Prima
Well-Known Member
This is kind of a joke, but kind of not...so I just went ahead and posted it here. If someone feels like moving it, go for it 
The full list is in my journal.
213 THINGS SKIPPY IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO IN THE U.S. ARMY
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever
or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic
Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters
Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'
God may not contradict any of my orders
May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty
The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody
Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in
Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'
Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once
I am not the atheist chaplain
I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states
Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations
The Giant Space Ants are not at the top of my chain of command
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz
Command decisions do not need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'
May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty
No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command
"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for"
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad
Nerve gas is not funny
Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that
I am not in need of a more suitable host body
Redneck Zombies is not a military training aid
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks'
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war"
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe
When saluting a leg officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir"
There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
Crucifying mice - bad idea
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them
I cannot arrest children for being rude
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases
Two drink limit does not mean first and last
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like
No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages does not imply that a Jack Daniels IV is acceptable
"Shpadoinkle" is not a real word
The Microsoft Dancing Paperclip is not authorized to countermand any orders
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove The Pen is Mightier than the sword
'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same
I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke
Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny
Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out
The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light batteries
Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
No, the pants are not optional
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance
Furby is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy)
We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'
PokÈmon trainer is not an MOS
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'
I am not the Emperor of anything
May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'
Must not make s'mores while on guard duty
Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot
The Masons and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command
I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born
My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined
'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration"
Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain
Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country
Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites
The full list is in my journal.213 THINGS SKIPPY IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO IN THE U.S. ARMY
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever
or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic
Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters
Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'
God may not contradict any of my orders
May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty
The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody
Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in
Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'
Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once
I am not the atheist chaplain
I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states
Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations
The Giant Space Ants are not at the top of my chain of command
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz
Command decisions do not need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'
May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty
No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command
"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for"
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad
Nerve gas is not funny
Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that
I am not in need of a more suitable host body
Redneck Zombies is not a military training aid
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks'
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war"
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe
When saluting a leg officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir"
There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
Crucifying mice - bad idea
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them
I cannot arrest children for being rude
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases
Two drink limit does not mean first and last
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like
No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages does not imply that a Jack Daniels IV is acceptable
"Shpadoinkle" is not a real word
The Microsoft Dancing Paperclip is not authorized to countermand any orders
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove The Pen is Mightier than the sword
'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same
I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke
Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny
Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out
The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light batteries
Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
No, the pants are not optional
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance
Furby is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy)
We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'
PokÈmon trainer is not an MOS
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'
I am not the Emperor of anything
May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'
Must not make s'mores while on guard duty
Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot
The Masons and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command
I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born
My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined
'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration"
Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain
Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country
Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites
