Unveiled Artist
Veteran Member
Don't worry guys, I am the one who is conflicted not anyone else who identifies as such. That, and this is a journal but I would like some opinion from Pagans, pagans, neopagans (people who identify within this practice please)... this has been bothering me as I am maturing in my practice as a solitary.
This may be pretty long. I type pretty fast so it doesn't seem like that until I'm finished. It takes a bit to get my point together; so, I will try to separate it. If you do read the whole thing, thank you. I rather you understand the context of what I am saying since it would be too much to actually reply to every content posted.
Note: Oh, I will be using specific words for convenience sake and saves on "paper"; so, I don't have to always list syn. for the same word. If there is a word you don't care for, think of a word that means the same thing that you would use. Context the same, word is different.
Background:
Okay. I never called myself a pagan before I came on RF. I actually just thought pagans mirrored those who believed in a lot of new age things I did not identify with. It is not right or wrong; and, that is just me. Coming on RF really made me think (and actually meet) pagans, who actually are polytheistic, worship the god and goddess, the greek gods, and so forth.
Even more so, many of us practice Craft. Months ago, I couldn't even talk about the Craft because everyone was very sensitive about sharing about it even in general. It was like everyone was holding a precious jewl (not the personal parts of the Craft just in general) and they don't want people to know they have on in the first place.
Anyway.
That's not the issue. Remember. This is a journal.
When I practice Craft daily, the more I am maturing in faith, the more I am drifting from "Craft". It's not naturalistic to me (as it would seem that way) sense I don't believe in the supernatural all is life, but I'm trailing from the correspondences, using the right colors, and things like that. I really like going to the heart of the matter in my view and finding the Craft in the objects I use. They are Craft not as symbolism but they are the actual Craft.
When I do that, it's not "pagan" anymore. It's not neopagan. It's not completely folk because there are modern things I do given we are allowed to do things on our own too, of course.
I loooovee labels. I love words. I love using poetry and writing to describe my feelings, how I see things, what I believe from chocolate to what I want to take up in school. To dolphins, to the Sapranos (you get the point).
I can define me in poetry but not in concrete words; I hate that. Finding the right words, to me, is that Big Fig Leaf. The Cross Roads. Etc. That's obvious.
The more I practice, the more I get to the opposite, what's the point?
I'm a Gypsy (I'm actually am but not from Romani). I wont find a definition even if I wanted to, could, I would never keep it. I'd just change it because that is life....its ever changing, its a cycle... not something we can keep static.
It's not "I am a Buddhist, that's it, case closed". We all change.
Anyway.
What's your point? You ask.
Actually, surprisingly, I have one.
We live in a world of so many labels. We may say we don't live by labels, but we do live by them even though we may not claim them or even give importance to it. You're a wife, a daughter, a sister....you're a Christian, a Buddhist, a Witch....you're a Chief...a Nanny....a Receptionist.. This makes up you. Labels are just briefs about yourself; they are not bad.
Anyway.
Taking away labels, writing, description, (aka having a loss of words or blank sheet of paper) is like a nightmare for me. It's a writer's worst moment when he has an idea, its there, but it just can't get it... it can't be lived...it's just there.. pushing.
I do want to keep the "Craft" part of my lifestyle. I do natural healing and cleansing and things of that nature. I don't call it conjure, though that is basically what half of it is.. or modern word, holistic.
Yet, I am pulled towards the Craft part because it makes the actual practice of living with the earth really living with it.
Yet, I don't want it to be superficial. I am straying from the Craft because I'm feeling it's becomes artificial. Yet, inside, I know it is not. I have this writer's block that, if I am doing, say a healing "spell", I would use natural healing (rather than Advil) and when I do it with Craft, then I think, will this help with the healing or is this fake? Is this like I see on the movies? Coming on RF and having the religious title makes me think of that. Changing titles doesn't mean we change who we are just how we define ourselves.
I just want my Craft, my holistic practice, and way of worship to be one. Yet, there is some things that are not balanced. I dont know what it is, really.
Questions:
Have you guys ever felt this way? That there is a sense of imbalance in your practice even though you are one hundred percent comfortable with it?
Do you struggle with that sense of artificalness even though you know what you are doing is real and it is from your heart?
I'm asking do you feel X even though you one hundred percent believe in Y.
Please read the italics.
I'm just exhausted. I'm depressed. I have too much things happening in my head and life right now and really need a lending ear from people who share in faith and practice. Aka.. I really do need a response from pagans (however you define yourself as one).
I'm just a conflicted pagan. Nothing more.
This may be pretty long. I type pretty fast so it doesn't seem like that until I'm finished. It takes a bit to get my point together; so, I will try to separate it. If you do read the whole thing, thank you. I rather you understand the context of what I am saying since it would be too much to actually reply to every content posted.
Note: Oh, I will be using specific words for convenience sake and saves on "paper"; so, I don't have to always list syn. for the same word. If there is a word you don't care for, think of a word that means the same thing that you would use. Context the same, word is different.
Background:
Okay. I never called myself a pagan before I came on RF. I actually just thought pagans mirrored those who believed in a lot of new age things I did not identify with. It is not right or wrong; and, that is just me. Coming on RF really made me think (and actually meet) pagans, who actually are polytheistic, worship the god and goddess, the greek gods, and so forth.
Even more so, many of us practice Craft. Months ago, I couldn't even talk about the Craft because everyone was very sensitive about sharing about it even in general. It was like everyone was holding a precious jewl (not the personal parts of the Craft just in general) and they don't want people to know they have on in the first place.
Anyway.
That's not the issue. Remember. This is a journal.
When I practice Craft daily, the more I am maturing in faith, the more I am drifting from "Craft". It's not naturalistic to me (as it would seem that way) sense I don't believe in the supernatural all is life, but I'm trailing from the correspondences, using the right colors, and things like that. I really like going to the heart of the matter in my view and finding the Craft in the objects I use. They are Craft not as symbolism but they are the actual Craft.
When I do that, it's not "pagan" anymore. It's not neopagan. It's not completely folk because there are modern things I do given we are allowed to do things on our own too, of course.I loooovee labels. I love words. I love using poetry and writing to describe my feelings, how I see things, what I believe from chocolate to what I want to take up in school. To dolphins, to the Sapranos (you get the point).
I can define me in poetry but not in concrete words; I hate that. Finding the right words, to me, is that Big Fig Leaf. The Cross Roads. Etc. That's obvious.
The more I practice, the more I get to the opposite, what's the point?
I'm a Gypsy (I'm actually am but not from Romani). I wont find a definition even if I wanted to, could, I would never keep it. I'd just change it because that is life....its ever changing, its a cycle... not something we can keep static.
It's not "I am a Buddhist, that's it, case closed". We all change.
Anyway.
What's your point? You ask.
Actually, surprisingly, I have one.
We live in a world of so many labels. We may say we don't live by labels, but we do live by them even though we may not claim them or even give importance to it. You're a wife, a daughter, a sister....you're a Christian, a Buddhist, a Witch....you're a Chief...a Nanny....a Receptionist.. This makes up you. Labels are just briefs about yourself; they are not bad.
Anyway.
Taking away labels, writing, description, (aka having a loss of words or blank sheet of paper) is like a nightmare for me. It's a writer's worst moment when he has an idea, its there, but it just can't get it... it can't be lived...it's just there.. pushing.
I do want to keep the "Craft" part of my lifestyle. I do natural healing and cleansing and things of that nature. I don't call it conjure, though that is basically what half of it is.. or modern word, holistic.
Yet, I am pulled towards the Craft part because it makes the actual practice of living with the earth really living with it.Yet, I don't want it to be superficial. I am straying from the Craft because I'm feeling it's becomes artificial. Yet, inside, I know it is not. I have this writer's block that, if I am doing, say a healing "spell", I would use natural healing (rather than Advil) and when I do it with Craft, then I think, will this help with the healing or is this fake? Is this like I see on the movies? Coming on RF and having the religious title makes me think of that. Changing titles doesn't mean we change who we are just how we define ourselves.
I just want my Craft, my holistic practice, and way of worship to be one. Yet, there is some things that are not balanced. I dont know what it is, really.Questions:
Have you guys ever felt this way? That there is a sense of imbalance in your practice even though you are one hundred percent comfortable with it?
Do you struggle with that sense of artificalness even though you know what you are doing is real and it is from your heart?
I'm asking do you feel X even though you one hundred percent believe in Y.
Please read the italics.
I'm just exhausted. I'm depressed. I have too much things happening in my head and life right now and really need a lending ear from people who share in faith and practice. Aka.. I really do need a response from pagans (however you define yourself as one).
I'm just a conflicted pagan. Nothing more.
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