A Madman

[Mark Dohle]

A madman​

It is a strange thing for me, how my faith is challenged not by the suffering in the world, nor the evil, for that I understand, or perhaps just used to it; though I wish the world were a better place. Although I know that if I had free reign in the process, I am sure that it would all turn out worse by far, than what it ‘seems’ often to be today.

No, what challenges my faith; tempting me to back away, is not the horrors of the world, for again it is simply the way things are, but the love that at times shows itself. The love of God can for me be a stumbling block. From time to time I read ‘Brennan Manning’, (a madman who is drunk on the love of God; in fact, his soul is drowning in it, he screams it from the rooftops, yes a mad man for God), he consoles me and at the same time challenges my faith, because the doubts that arise, show me that the God I worship is still a mean spirited idol.

I am now reading his new book “the furious longing of God”, and yet again I feel anxious when reading it. Am I ready for the freedom that comes from the certainty of God’s infinite love as manifested in Jesus? It is easier to look upon him as a strict judge; that way there is a Him and then, there is me. There is distance; I seem to be more comfortable with that. Yet in reading the scriptures, from my prayers and ponderings, I know this is false. There is no separation; there is oneness, unity, even if I am unaware in my present undeveloped state to be able to experience it. So much in my head, so little in my heart for it is often stone cold.

For years I have felt that I am on the verge of freedom, sitting on the edge of a precipice, looking down, freedom in just falling, letting go, filled with trust in God’s love. So I inch forward when perhaps it would be better if I simply ran screaming over the edge, like I did the first time when I actually got my nerve up to jump off the high dive in the pool at Fort Gulick, in Panama. Such an experience of both fear and joyous freedom, both perhaps needed for the experience to truly be felt in its fullness.

Yes, I am slow to believe, at least to believe big. I have the words; it is the actual letting go that is the problem. Only those with childlike trust can truly understand what the infinite of love God means, then there are those like me who overthink everything to the point of absurdity.

Christianity is still young, immature; perhaps that is why its yeast is spreading at such a slow pace, even within the Christian community. People want to think Jesus is coming soon, well St. Paul thought that also, but here we are. No, the seed has not yet taken root, for the faith is often anal, constricted, and yes at times hateful in how God is presented. Quoting scriptures can be done by anybody, to just about back up any claim, about what it means to be Christian; hence so many different sects and yes perhaps some dangerous cults. Yet, to allow Christ to live through us, within us, to move us, to expand our hearts, well that is another question altogether…..not to mention to see Christ in those we have contempt and hatred for..

The Christian face often presented to the world is one that is unyielding with condemnation, eyes beady, mouth turned down with open bible in hand; yet in the heart rejoicing that it is the rest of mankind that will be lost, only a few saved. Christ who died for us, for all, is rejected for the belief that in the end evil wins out, at least as far as souls go. For it is sad that many Christians, perhaps the majority, believe that hell is chocked full of good people who sought God, yet were either born in the wrong place, or had the misfortune of meeting Christians who made the faith seem very unattractive indeed. If we can’t manifest Christ love, the way he did when he lived, then perhaps quoting scripture is a waste of time.

Perhaps like Mary, we are supposed to birth Christ in our everyday lives, returning good for evil, love for hate, compassion in the face of indifference. If Christ is really in the least, how is it we can pass each other on the street and not see it? Again, I feel, it is because we are still young, our faith, for what is 2000 years, it is nothing. That is why I feel that we have many thousands of years to go. We are still part of the early, immature, struggling church, of which I am a prime example.

So yes, I shy away, when the mystery of God’s love becomes close, yet hopefully each time this approach happens, perhaps I will draw back a little less. Grace is gentle with me, and from that I deduce that it is the same for everyone. We are told not to judge for a reason, for in reality we only see in others what is in ourselves.

It is grace that knocks,
it is love that pursues,
when we fall
it is compassion that calls us,
when we lose our way
is the Good Shepherd
the lover of our souls
who picks us up,
for indeed love is grace,
we are all loved,
nothing can take that away.​

“My child, even if your father and mother forsake you, I will never leave you, for I have your name written in the palm of my hand”.-Br.MD