Phasmid
Mr Invisible
I appologise for the length of this thread... it kind of got away from me.
Recently I've had a bit of a change regarding the way I think. I'm nearing the end of a maths course and I've been revising in preperation. I'm beginning to really enjoy maths now and it's even started to change my outlook on life.
I've just got back from a holiday abroad. I'm not a huge fan of flying since I don't like the idea of being in a tin can 4 miles above the ground with no power to change anything should their be a problem. That's not to say I'm terrified of flying, it just makes me uneasy.
Being kind of jumpy about the flight and knowing my family were going to be there as well, I said a prayer asking god to let the flight go smoothly... then I said another... and another, and another, and another...
Praying, being religiously minded, believing... it made things worse. I realised, shortly after getting back, that I'm more nervous, self-defeating, self-conscious and less mentally stable when I'm in a highly religious frame of mind.
Believing god is listening to my prayers and watching my actions, having a plan for me... it's driven me insane. I have OCD. It takes (to a lesser degree these days) the form of praying when ever I think/see/hear something "bad". Basically if someone were to say, "The guy on that bike rides like an idiot. He'll get himself killed" I would pray that it doesn't happen. I have these set of prayers in my head, which I use for different circumstances. So basically, the prayers are like mantras I say when ever I see an event, which corresponds to them.
The point I'm making is that these prayers are merely stress relievers for me. They don't mean anything other than, "I'd rather this not happen".
Lately though, having surprised myself with my progress in maths, I've got a new way of thinking about the world around me. I realise that I can understand this world... my thoughts wont cause someone to fall off a bike, they wont cause the death of someone. They are merely electrical activity in my brain.
I feel so much more in control lately. I've been living in a way that doesn't suit me the past few years. Being a christian, contrary to my previous belief, has not made me stronger, it's brought me to my knees and made me despise myself.
It's only now I'm drifting away from religion and trying to understand things logically and factually that I'm beginning to like who I am. I'm beginning to care more about people, because I know that we're all equal. There are no "saved" and "damned". We all have so much potential.
I'm open minded about god. But at the moment I feel that I'd like to explore this new found rational outlook. Maybe some day I'll find a way to work it into religion... maybe not. Just thought I'd share this. Has anyone else experienced this kind of transition from one mindset to another?
Recently I've had a bit of a change regarding the way I think. I'm nearing the end of a maths course and I've been revising in preperation. I'm beginning to really enjoy maths now and it's even started to change my outlook on life.
I've just got back from a holiday abroad. I'm not a huge fan of flying since I don't like the idea of being in a tin can 4 miles above the ground with no power to change anything should their be a problem. That's not to say I'm terrified of flying, it just makes me uneasy.
Being kind of jumpy about the flight and knowing my family were going to be there as well, I said a prayer asking god to let the flight go smoothly... then I said another... and another, and another, and another...
Praying, being religiously minded, believing... it made things worse. I realised, shortly after getting back, that I'm more nervous, self-defeating, self-conscious and less mentally stable when I'm in a highly religious frame of mind.
Believing god is listening to my prayers and watching my actions, having a plan for me... it's driven me insane. I have OCD. It takes (to a lesser degree these days) the form of praying when ever I think/see/hear something "bad". Basically if someone were to say, "The guy on that bike rides like an idiot. He'll get himself killed" I would pray that it doesn't happen. I have these set of prayers in my head, which I use for different circumstances. So basically, the prayers are like mantras I say when ever I see an event, which corresponds to them.
The point I'm making is that these prayers are merely stress relievers for me. They don't mean anything other than, "I'd rather this not happen".
Lately though, having surprised myself with my progress in maths, I've got a new way of thinking about the world around me. I realise that I can understand this world... my thoughts wont cause someone to fall off a bike, they wont cause the death of someone. They are merely electrical activity in my brain.
I feel so much more in control lately. I've been living in a way that doesn't suit me the past few years. Being a christian, contrary to my previous belief, has not made me stronger, it's brought me to my knees and made me despise myself.
It's only now I'm drifting away from religion and trying to understand things logically and factually that I'm beginning to like who I am. I'm beginning to care more about people, because I know that we're all equal. There are no "saved" and "damned". We all have so much potential.
I'm open minded about god. But at the moment I feel that I'd like to explore this new found rational outlook. Maybe some day I'll find a way to work it into religion... maybe not. Just thought I'd share this. Has anyone else experienced this kind of transition from one mindset to another?