Amandi
Member
I thought I would write a blog basically about my life. If anyone wants to comment feel free.
From an early age I knew I was different. I am not going to say from birth or born with it because I have no proof of that. I just know from my earlies memories. When I was very young, around preschool or kindergarten age, I always enjoyed pretty clothes and wanted to wear them. I never did though. I was told they were for girls. I also enjoyed playing with dolls when around girls and preferred not to go play with the boys. I hated rough housing and getting dirty. At this time I just figured I would change as I get older. Other than when getting to play house when playing with girls the only time I ever tried anything was getting a babysitter to put fingernail polish on me. When my parents came home and they saw it, I was laughed at and told I was going to be diapered and dressed in dresses since I wanted to be a sissy.
As I moved up in elementary school, I learned to not express my likes of pretty clothes and girl activities. I still took advantage of playing with girl cousins when I could get away with it. This is when I really started to realise how different I was. As I moved through this time period I was always doing things that would get me called a sissy by my family. Crying over hurt feelings. I would even cry when other people got hurt feelings. I couldnt stand to see anyone hurting. I eventually learned to suppress this. The sissy baby wearing diapers and dresses threat still happened.
Middle school into high school finally made me realise I wasnt going to change. I was never going to be a boy. I still would hang around with the girls as much as possible. I only had 2 real friends who were boys through my entire school carreer. One was my cousin and I followed him around trying to "learn" to be a boy by copying him. The other was a boy that no one like. He was the one that always got on everyone's nerves. I was asked several times why I hung out with him. The truth was, I didnt have to act boyish around him.
All through my childhood, I never had a girlfriend. Why would a girl want to go out with a boy who didnt act like a boy? I was always their friends and knew the boys the liked. I was not like them so I never bothered asking. And if anyone is wondering, or even reading this, I never was attracted to boys.
From middleschool on I started dreaming about being turned into a girl various different way. I also started praying that God would do something about me. Would help me be a boy. It never worked. I would also pray he would make me a girl. That never happened either. I did keep this to myself though. I never seeked help. Who would I go to? My dad, the man who threatened me with diapers? The preacher who preached everything you did was going to send you to Hell? No, I didnt go to anyone.
After high school I went to college for a year then dropped out. I didnt have the dedication. I eventually joined the military. Bootcamp turned everyone into men right? Wrong. Bootcamp didnt magically change people the way I thought it did. No one came out of bootcamp any different then the way they went in mentally.
My first 6 years in the military was me just trying to exist. I was a good follower. I did what I was told but I was not a good leader. I just didnt have that something that made people do what you said. I had to always fall back on threats of writing them up.
Toward the end of this I met the woman who became my wife. We hit it off great. She latched on to my attention and that was awsome. Someone who finally liked my caring and heart. Believe it or not she was the first person I ever dated and that was at the age of 25.
Well I decided to get out of the Navy at the end of my enlistment 2 years later. We had 2 wonderfull children a daughter and a son. That brought on a whole new problem. I loved playing games with either but when my son wanted to wrestle I just always felt like I was faking it. I quickly realised I wasnt going to learn to be a man by having a son.
I am going to abbreviate this for now and cut to more modernt times. I will fill in the blanks with another blog entry or answering any questions that may happen.
Through my whole life I have sturggled with loneliness. I went to a therapist while in the Navy (after I was out for 4 years I went back in for 7 years) but she just wanted to concentrate on our sex life. This didnt seem right. Around 2008 I went to a Christian therapist. I saw him for about 2 months before I gave up on him. All he did was point out problems in my childhood but the only thing he ever said to help me was join a men's group. That didnt help. About a year ago I started researching why I alway felt like I should have been a girl but wasnt attracted to boys. I came upon some websites that explained the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation and learned there were therapists that specialised in this. I found one in my local area and started seeing her. She confirmed I had Gender Identity Disorder. Wanting to be fair, I went to see a second therapis and she determined the same thing.
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My path to consider myself a Christian who has liberal views is my life. I literally believed I was going to Hell from around the age of 12 to my mid 20s. At this time I became more agnostic and just worried about living as good of a life as possible and keep trying different churches.
I was raised in a very traditional Baptist church and I had things in my life that was a direct ticket to Hell. Mainly, but not only, I was effiminate. I prayed and prayed that God would help me become more boyish or manly. It never happened. I prayed for a teacher who would help me understand. That never happened either. As I studied and looked into the different denominations, I saw they could never agree on what the Bible was saying. Finally I came to the realisation that while the Bible contained the Word of God, every part of the Bible wasnt the word of God. Men wrote it and men translated it and men decided what was going to be Cannon. Now I have serious doubts about any part of the Bible that states something as bad that is only bad because the Bible says it is.
I also believe that God is wanting me to spread his love to the LGBT community and He is leading me to these discoveries. I have Christians who have more traditional views telling me it is the Devil or demons. I guess I have to acknowledge that could be true. If so, I dont see how anyone can know what is the Holy Spirit moving in them and what is the Devil because even Christians who are traditional dont agree on what the Bible says.
From an early age I knew I was different. I am not going to say from birth or born with it because I have no proof of that. I just know from my earlies memories. When I was very young, around preschool or kindergarten age, I always enjoyed pretty clothes and wanted to wear them. I never did though. I was told they were for girls. I also enjoyed playing with dolls when around girls and preferred not to go play with the boys. I hated rough housing and getting dirty. At this time I just figured I would change as I get older. Other than when getting to play house when playing with girls the only time I ever tried anything was getting a babysitter to put fingernail polish on me. When my parents came home and they saw it, I was laughed at and told I was going to be diapered and dressed in dresses since I wanted to be a sissy.
As I moved up in elementary school, I learned to not express my likes of pretty clothes and girl activities. I still took advantage of playing with girl cousins when I could get away with it. This is when I really started to realise how different I was. As I moved through this time period I was always doing things that would get me called a sissy by my family. Crying over hurt feelings. I would even cry when other people got hurt feelings. I couldnt stand to see anyone hurting. I eventually learned to suppress this. The sissy baby wearing diapers and dresses threat still happened.
Middle school into high school finally made me realise I wasnt going to change. I was never going to be a boy. I still would hang around with the girls as much as possible. I only had 2 real friends who were boys through my entire school carreer. One was my cousin and I followed him around trying to "learn" to be a boy by copying him. The other was a boy that no one like. He was the one that always got on everyone's nerves. I was asked several times why I hung out with him. The truth was, I didnt have to act boyish around him.
All through my childhood, I never had a girlfriend. Why would a girl want to go out with a boy who didnt act like a boy? I was always their friends and knew the boys the liked. I was not like them so I never bothered asking. And if anyone is wondering, or even reading this, I never was attracted to boys.
From middleschool on I started dreaming about being turned into a girl various different way. I also started praying that God would do something about me. Would help me be a boy. It never worked. I would also pray he would make me a girl. That never happened either. I did keep this to myself though. I never seeked help. Who would I go to? My dad, the man who threatened me with diapers? The preacher who preached everything you did was going to send you to Hell? No, I didnt go to anyone.
After high school I went to college for a year then dropped out. I didnt have the dedication. I eventually joined the military. Bootcamp turned everyone into men right? Wrong. Bootcamp didnt magically change people the way I thought it did. No one came out of bootcamp any different then the way they went in mentally.
My first 6 years in the military was me just trying to exist. I was a good follower. I did what I was told but I was not a good leader. I just didnt have that something that made people do what you said. I had to always fall back on threats of writing them up.
Toward the end of this I met the woman who became my wife. We hit it off great. She latched on to my attention and that was awsome. Someone who finally liked my caring and heart. Believe it or not she was the first person I ever dated and that was at the age of 25.
Well I decided to get out of the Navy at the end of my enlistment 2 years later. We had 2 wonderfull children a daughter and a son. That brought on a whole new problem. I loved playing games with either but when my son wanted to wrestle I just always felt like I was faking it. I quickly realised I wasnt going to learn to be a man by having a son.
I am going to abbreviate this for now and cut to more modernt times. I will fill in the blanks with another blog entry or answering any questions that may happen.
Through my whole life I have sturggled with loneliness. I went to a therapist while in the Navy (after I was out for 4 years I went back in for 7 years) but she just wanted to concentrate on our sex life. This didnt seem right. Around 2008 I went to a Christian therapist. I saw him for about 2 months before I gave up on him. All he did was point out problems in my childhood but the only thing he ever said to help me was join a men's group. That didnt help. About a year ago I started researching why I alway felt like I should have been a girl but wasnt attracted to boys. I came upon some websites that explained the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation and learned there were therapists that specialised in this. I found one in my local area and started seeing her. She confirmed I had Gender Identity Disorder. Wanting to be fair, I went to see a second therapis and she determined the same thing.
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My path to consider myself a Christian who has liberal views is my life. I literally believed I was going to Hell from around the age of 12 to my mid 20s. At this time I became more agnostic and just worried about living as good of a life as possible and keep trying different churches.
I was raised in a very traditional Baptist church and I had things in my life that was a direct ticket to Hell. Mainly, but not only, I was effiminate. I prayed and prayed that God would help me become more boyish or manly. It never happened. I prayed for a teacher who would help me understand. That never happened either. As I studied and looked into the different denominations, I saw they could never agree on what the Bible was saying. Finally I came to the realisation that while the Bible contained the Word of God, every part of the Bible wasnt the word of God. Men wrote it and men translated it and men decided what was going to be Cannon. Now I have serious doubts about any part of the Bible that states something as bad that is only bad because the Bible says it is.
I also believe that God is wanting me to spread his love to the LGBT community and He is leading me to these discoveries. I have Christians who have more traditional views telling me it is the Devil or demons. I guess I have to acknowledge that could be true. If so, I dont see how anyone can know what is the Holy Spirit moving in them and what is the Devil because even Christians who are traditional dont agree on what the Bible says.
