Any advice?

[groovydancer88]

I don't normally ask people I don't know well for advice like this, but there are a lot of beautiful souls on this forum, so I'm asking away. (Consider this a compliment!)

I have noticed that I am a very selfish person. There is not a single thing I do that isn't selfish - some good selfish, some bad. Let me clarify. I'm throwing a surprise party for my sister because it makes me feel good about myself... I consider this good selfish. But the majority of the time, I do a lot of bad selfish things... if I'm having a bad day, the world has to stop for me. If my sister isn't ready to leave for school on time, I don't stop for a second to think about the fact that she's going to be late too, I just worry about myself. I even feel insulted when people don't take the time to include me in certain situations that now I realize really didn't have anything to do with me at all.

This is not the kind of person I want to be. Anyone have any advice on how to change this behavior?

Thanks!

 

[Jaymes]

I find myself acting the same way a good bit of the time, though it makes me embarassed to admit it... I'd love to hear advice on this as well.

 

[Sunstone]

Don't try to change it. Just become aware of it. Completely aware of it. The awareness itself, if complete enough, will work changes.

 

[robtex]

If my sister isn't ready to leave for school on time, I don't stop for a second to think about the fact that she's going to be late too, I just worry about myself.
Thanks!

You do notice it but you notice your lateness first. That is natural. You interact with others how you choose to and if you decide your level of selfishness is kinda high you will adjust it. But if you feel you want to expite the process here is something I did when I broke up with an ex to help myself heal. The motive was different but I bet the it could apply for your situation.

Everyday my day didn't end until I did something nice for someone else with no expectaction of recipication. At first I gave rides to fellow employees with no cars and than somedays just looked for opportunites. Because it was on my "to do" list I was activtly looking throughout the day until one day it just seemed kinda natural.

If you are in a rut where you feel you are self centered maybe this idea can fly for. Everyday for the next (set your own time period) you will find one selfless thing to do for someone else with no expectation of a return favor. If you miss a day tomarrow you have two.

 

[groovydancer88]

A question about this just popped into my mind.

If you do something nice for someone else, not expecting anything in return, but you think to yourself, 'Wow, that was a really nice thing to do. Go me!', is this a bad thing? It seems to me that this is, in a way, making that action a selfish action... I did this, therefore I am a good person. Or is it good to think that way... is it kind of like a motivation for doing good deeds? What do you think?

 

[robtex]

I think its natural to feel good about doing kind things for others. If it didn't feel good I would be more worried than if it did. Patting your own back is defintly ok for this exercise. Just not trying to get them to pat you on the back. I can only say that if you try it for a few months the motivation will diminish and it will seem natural. that is what happened to me. I wasn't so self centered but i did become reclusive because i was hurt emotionally and i went from posititve interaction to no interaction and than used the above exercise to re-enstate my positive interaction. while the motive is differnt i am guessing the result will be the same. pat your own back and don't solict back pats (but dont reject them) from others..try it for a few weeks and if it doesn't fly for you no damage right?

 

[groovydancer88]

Gotcha coach. Definitely will try this! Thanks! :-D

 

[robtex]

all right their are journals on here...keep us in the loop you do gooder you

 

[groovydancer88]

Will do!

 

[linwood]

A question about this just popped into my mind.

If you do something nice for someone else, not expecting anything in return, but you think to yourself, 'Wow, that was a really nice thing to do. Go me!', is this a bad thing? It seems to me that this is, in a way, making that action a selfish action... I did this, therefore I am a good person. Or is it good to think that way... is it kind of like a motivation for doing good deeds? What do you think?

Mark Twain wrote short story about how no man does anything that is entirely selfless.
He made a pretty good case for it too.

He was wrong though, you just have to think of that person who will throw themselves on an explosive device in a crowd and his story is up in smoke.

The funny thing about Twain though is that once I had actually found an act that was truly selfless I had to wonder to myself if it was really his intent to argue for the total selfishness of mankind or if he really just wanted me to figure out that the assumption was wrong.

He was a strange one.

I have the story in text file I downloaded not long ago.
I`ll see if I can find the link, if not I`ll post my file somewhere.

It will interest you.

 

[Scuba Pete]

FWIW, I fully believe that God has given us both positive and negative feedback mechanism to help us navigate what to concentrate on. Some of us call this "Our Conscience". Too many people bruise and abuse their conscience to the point where it is callous and useless. Be grateful that you have a sensitive conscience! Do those things that bring you the inner joy, and realise that you were MEANT to feel that joy. It's God's way of getting you to repeat the action. For those things you don't feel good about? Well, try to avoid them by replacing them with GOOD things. If your sister is late, see what you can do to help her instead of just resenting her. She may not let you help, but you can feel good about trying.

 

[linwood]

Here it is.

"What is Man?"

If you get some time give it a read.
It`s interesting to say the least

http://www.textfiles.com/etext/AUTHORS/TWAIN/twain-what-42.txt

By the way the site I linked that from has a really nice library of literature by some really good authors, philosophers.

Textfiles.com

 

[mrscardero]

A question about this just popped into my mind.

If you do something nice for someone else, not expecting anything in return, but you think to yourself, 'Wow, that was a really nice thing to do. Go me!', is this a bad thing? It seems to me that this is, in a way, making that action a selfish action... I did this, therefore I am a good person. Or is it good to think that way... is it kind of like a motivation for doing good deeds? What do you think?

I never expect anything in return when I do something nice for someone. It's in my blood to do good. Sometimes I do so much that I forget wash my own plate. There is nothing wrong with saying to yourself..."Go Me!" If I had the time to say to myself, "Go Me!" and be able to pat myself on the back, I would. I guess now I do so I will.

*taps self on back and says, "Go Me! I helped out a lot of people today and I feel good."*

 

[Lightkeeper]

I think it's normal for someone in their teens to be self-centerred. That is a protective thing and is part of the growth process. You are watching others and yourself and making choices of what you want to be. Think of yourself as in a cocoon. The butterfly is emerging and you will take flight with colorful wings.

 

[Green Gaia]

I think if this is something you really want to change about yourself, you've already made the big leap forward in recognizing this behavior, even if it's after the fact. The more you work at it and want to change, you will recognize before you do something that might be selfish and will be able to stop yourself, not all the time at first, but you'll get there. Behaviors don't change overnight and take lots of work and reflection. Start keeping a journal of your daily activites and how you responded to different stress factors, and then write about how you would change your reaction, if you would. Recognizing what starts this behavior and how to keep those things from happening will help you alot.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

I think that you are really on to something when you say that you are self-centered. It is good for us to constantly review ourselves, because most of us are pretty selfish indeed. Most of us are living in a capitalist society (is there anyone who has access to the forum that's not?!) that is almost entirely individualistic and self-centered. One of the main goals of the Chrsitian religion is to deny self and follow Christ in daily life: living for the Other. Jesus taught us to love others, love the Other (the God who created everything, but is uncreated), and promised us an Other (the companionship of the Holy Spirit). This otherness must be balanced with good stewardship of our selves.

You are making great progress in your faith as you learn about yourself, and joining good company when you ask, "Is there any truly altruistic (selfless motivation) act?" Good going!!

EDIT: We all must congratulate you for your self-review!!! I am very impressed. You are definately going in the right direction.

 

[groovydancer88]

This is really good advice, everyone! *smiles happily* This is why I love RF. You guys are great.

Today I made a conscious effort to be as helpful and as friendly to other people as possible, not expecting anything in return, and you know what? I realized that whether I expect it or not, I really do get something in return. This was the best day of the week by far. Nothing particularly great happened to me, but my attitude had changed significantly, and I couldn't help but be happy. But of course, like Maize said, big changes don't happen overnight, so I'll continue to work at it.

One more thing... for anyone who's interested, my journal on RF is up and running... In order to keep myself on track I'm going to update it daily (hopefully) with the things I have done and the lessons I have learned. Yep.

Thanks again!

 

[robtex]

This is really good advice, everyone! *smiles happily* This is why I love RF. You guys are great.

What!! You are in love already!!! You just joined this month!!

 

[Dadball]

Don't try to change it. Just become aware of it. Completely aware of it. The awareness itself, if complete enough, will work changes.

I agree. If you have knowledge of a behavior, is to have power over that behavior. To not acknowledge it, allows it to have power over you.