Are Married Folk Loopy, Crazy Lunatics?

[Sunstone]

I've noticed that many married folk, in addition to the more standard vows they make to each other, also vow not to have close friends of the other sex besides their spouses. Women vow not to have close male friends, men vow not to have close female friends. The theory seems to be that these vows will protect the spouses from friendships developing into affairs, and endangering the marriage. I've heard of quite a few married couples who are making this sort of promise to each other. And even those who don't actually make it an official promise, often seem to act as if they were obligated to not have close friends of the other sex once they get married.

Therefore, I've been wondering: Have married folk gone loopy these days? Are they become moon struck lunatics incomprehensible to mere mortal single persons?

Is there anyting magical about marriage that suddenly means a person no longer needs friends, even passionate friends, of the other sex?

Isn't having friends life affirming? Doesn't it even improve our odds of living longer? Aren't friends necessary to us? And isn't it shallow and superficial to prohibit people from becoming our friend merely on the basis of their sex alone?

Does close friendship with people of another sex inevitably lead to affairs for heterosexuals?

Should all married folk be committed to insane asylums at once, or should we give them a year or so to come to their senses on this friendship issue? What do you think?

Please note: For the purposes of this thread, married couples are hereby defined as any pair bonded couple. That is, any couple that acts married, whether in a legal marriage or not.

Also please note, homosexuals and bisexuals are invited to give their views too. Just use common sense in recognizing that for a homosexual, an anologous relationship to that described above would be a close relationship with someone of the same sex other than one's mate. And so forth.

 

[Mathematician]

I've known many people who date and are forced to push away their friends of the opposite gender because of their partner's jealousy (and in most cases it is both partners who do this, not just one).

I wouldn't go so far as saying they're lunatics, , but I do believe if you can't trust your spouse, then why bother getting married? Plus, if your friend is truly a friend, he/she will not intrude on your relationship.

I think one common mistake is a lot of people, fueled by social taboo, assume a one on one relationship is what their seeking. Monogamous relationships aren't for everyone, in my opinion. That said, I'm not going to excuse anyone for cheating. I'm just adding a last minute paragraph of moral biase.

Is there anyting magical about marriage that suddenly means a person no longer needs friends, even passionate friends, of the other sex?

Personally, no. I do know people who might disagree with me.

 

[Bishka]

Have married folk gone loopy these days?

Yep

Are they become moon struck lunatics incomprehensible to mere mortal single persons?

Probably

Is there anyting magical about marriage that suddenly means a person no longer needs friends, even passionate friends, of the other sex?

In my situation, apparently yes. I have no friends, but I'm getting used to it. My only friends are my RF buddies.

 

[Krie]

most... heh heh.

 

[Melody]

I put other because I'm fence sitting on this one. From personal observation, most of the divorced I know occurred because a simple "friendship" (at work, online, held over from high school or college) turned into what they thought was love. They somehow got the idea that this other person was their soul mate because they understood them better. In reality their "soul mate" was supportive of them because they were only getting half the story.

If my husband started getting phone calls from a female colleague who he considered a friend and then it progressed to lunches, etc....yeah I'd have a serious problem with it.

If he wants to take a female to lunch, he can take me.

 

[evearael]

Therefore, I've been wondering: Have married folk gone loopy these days? Do you think I'm loopy?
Are they become moon struck lunatics incomprehensible to mere mortal single persons? Often times it seems so, though having a baby caused a much greater mass exodus away from us.

Is there anyting magical about marriage that suddenly means a person no longer needs friends, even passionate friends, of the other sex? Most of my friends are guys, without them I'd be lonely. Besides I'm bisexual, so a prohibition based on potential attraction should theoretically include both genders, and then I would be really lonely. If you can't trust your spouse to hang out with the opposite sex, then why are you married to them?

Isn't having friends life affirming? Doesn't it even improve our odds of living longer? Aren't friends necessary to us? And isn't it shallow and superficial to prohibit people from becoming our friend merely on the basis of their sex alone? I'm a very social person. I could be with someone who prohibited me from having friends. I adore my friends. Miss you Jewscout!

Does close friendship with people of another sex inevitably lead to affairs for heterosexuals? No.

Should all married folk be committed to insane asylums at once, or should we give them a year or so to come to their senses on this friendship issue? What do you think? The singles and the couples we knew both abandoned us after our daughter came, except for Jewscout. We bent over backwards to try to hang out with them, but they had no interest... so lock them up instead. Our priorities were just too radically different to sustain a friendship, which is sad, but that is life. The friendships we've built since we've gotten out here, with both singles and couples, are quite strong because our marriage and daughter were both present at the start of the friendship, so no accomodations and changes needed to be made.

 

[Draka]

I honestly have no problem with the person I'm with having women friends. Something my ex couldn't understand though, was that it should have gone both ways. I didn't care how many female friends he had, and he had several, but I was not given the same credit. I've always been a tomboy and most of my really good friends have been guys. However if I ran into one of them when my ex wasn't around and told him of it later then he automatically accused me of screwing around.

As a matter of fact, just tonight an old male friend of mine just turned up at the door to visit me. I invited him in, introduced him and Turk, and proceeded to chat for a while. Unless he's penting up jealousy, which is extremely unlike Turk, he didn't seem bothered in the least by the visit or by Dusti. Turk's old girlfriend still writes him and keeps in touch with him. No biggie.

Any relationship has a matter of trust to it. If you can't trust the one your with to be able to have friends and not cheat...then why the heck are you with them?

 

[Tannenisis]

My spouse and I both have friends of the opposite gender.
But seeing as how we trust each other, this just isn't an issue for us.
I will also second a previous post by saying that the mass exodus of friends occured for us when we became parents. I was honestly dissappointed by a few friends who believed that having a child was similiar to having a pet of some sort that you can leave at home whenever you feel like it.
Even if the marriage isn't the problem, having children will definately change the scope of friends that you have.

My two cents,
Tannenisis

 

[lunamoth]

Well, it's not so much that we would not allow each other to have friends of the opposite gender, and it's not so much a matter of trust (of lack of trust), but at this point in my life we have so precious little free time to spend on friendship (or doing anything besides working and raising our family) that we really need to spend that time with each other, rather than other friends. And as much as I like to open-minded, if he took some of that precious free time and used it to take another woman out (while I stayed home with the kids) I'd be a LOT less enthusiastic than if he took that time to play golf with some buddies.

It was different B.K. (before kids). At that time we did have time to have 'extracurricular friendships' and he had women who were friends as I had men who were. None of these friendships ever threatened our marriage (at least not to my knowledge!), but I also think that the only reason we had these was because the demands of our careers meant we were apart a lot so we had bigger social circles to fill in the gap. Better yet were the couple friendships we were able to develop.

Evereal, I hear you honey. Having kids drastically changes your social life, especially if like us you have kids later in life. We eat dinner at 5:30. We go to bed at 10 pm most nights. We just can't do the same things as people without kids or people with older kids can. Right now most of my 'mom-friends' are a decade younger than I am, not that that's a bad thing.

And oh, the answer to your question Sunstone is yes, married people are most definitely insane, especially if they have young kids.

luna-tic

PS, on an unrelated note, I have in my possession a new shade of lipstick by Esthe Lauder that is called "sunstone.' It is a whimsical coppery color with gold flecks. I go more for pinks, but this was a free sample. So my question is, are you getting royalties for the use of your name on this beauty product, and is Ms. Latex the inspiration for this color?

 

[zombieharlot]

I've noticed that many married folk, in addition to the more standard vows they make to each other, also vow not to have close friends of the other sex besides their spouses. Women vow not to have close male friends, men vow not to have close female friends. The theory seems to be that these vows will protect the spouses from friendships developing into affairs, and endangering the marriage. I've heard of quite a few married couples who are making this sort of promise to each other. And even those who don't actually make it an official promise, often seem to act as if they were obligated to not have close friends of the other sex once they get married.

Therefore, I've been wondering: Have married folk gone loopy these days? Are they become moon struck lunatics incomprehensible to mere mortal single persons?

Is there anyting magical about marriage that suddenly means a person no longer needs friends, even passionate friends, of the other sex?

Isn't having friends life affirming? Doesn't it even improve our odds of living longer? Aren't friends necessary to us? And isn't it shallow and superficial to prohibit people from becoming our friend merely on the basis of their sex alone?

Does close friendship with people of another sex inevitably lead to affairs for heterosexuals?

Should all married folk be committed to insane asylums at once, or should we give them a year or so to come to their senses on this friendship issue? What do you think?

Please note: For the purposes of this thread, married couples are hereby defined as any pair bonded couple. That is, any couple that acts married, whether in a legal marriage or not.

Also please note, homosexuals and bisexuals are invited to give their views too. Just use common sense in recognizing that for a homosexual, an anologous relationship to that described above would be a close relationship with someone of the same sex other than one's mate. And so forth.

Well, this is another thread that pertains to gender, and I think most everyone knows where I stand on that issue. I think it's all BS. If I got married and wasn't allowed to have female friends, I would probably be completely friendless because most every friend I've made for the past six or so years has been a female. And where I stand on this, I believe that if you can't fully trust your partner with their, then you probably shouldn't be with them. Yes, friends are necessary to us and promote longer life. Prohibiting your spouse's choice of friends IS completely shallow and superficial. Close relationships with the opposite sex may inevitably lead to an affair for some, but those are the ones you shouldn't be with.

 

[Sunstone]

Turk's old girlfriend still writes him and keeps in touch with him. No biggie.

It seems to me that, all else being equal, we should stay on good terms with our ex's. After all, most break ups are simply over incomaptibilities and not because one side or the other is evil. And an ex who's a friend can often help us understand ourselves better: I fine ex's can be very objective about their former partners.

 

[Ody]

I choose a poll question without looking at the OP but instead by looking at the poll question itself.

Lucky me.

 

[Draka]

It seems to me that, all else being equal, we should stay on good terms with our ex's. After all, most break ups are simply over incomaptibilities and not because one side or the other is evil. And an ex who's a friend can often help us understand ourselves better: I fine ex's can be very objective about their former partners.

Agreed, where possible. I have no problems with a few of my ex-boyfriends. If I were to run into Joe (one of my more serious relationships) out in town someday it would be fine. We still get along. Now, running into either of my ex-husbands would not elicit a "friendly" response. If you get what I mean.

 

[Ðanisty]

My spouse and I both have friends of the opposite gender.
But seeing as how we trust each other, this just isn't an issue for us.
I will also second a previous post by saying that the mass exodus of friends occured for us when we became parents. I was honestly dissappointed by a few friends who believed that having a child was similiar to having a pet of some sort that you can leave at home whenever you feel like it.
Even if the marriage isn't the problem, having children will definately change the scope of friends that you have.

Well, I can attest to this as a person who is no longer friends with anyone I knew who had children. I tried. I really did. However, I'm not having children so there is no interest whatsoever for me there. When people become parents they are incapable of separating their parent identity from the rest of who they are...it totally consumes their life. They cease to be the people I was friends with and there is nothing there to maintain the friendship. I wish it weren't this way, but this has been my experience every single time. Parents can not go through one conversation without talking about their kids and, frankly, I'm not interested in talking about anyone's kids. It's nothing against my old friends or the fact that they've chosen to be parents. I'm sufficiently happy for them. For me, however, it was like not even knowing them anymore.

Turk's old girlfriend still writes him and keeps in touch with him. No biggie.

I chat on AIM with my ex-boyfriend and my hubby doesn't care one bit. Why should he? I broke up with this guy 11 years ago because we just weren't right for each other. My ex certainly is a nice guy and we still share many interests. We make very good friends.

Overall, I'd say that anyone who gives up their friends for someone else has completely lost their minds. If I wasn't allowed to have male friends, I wouldn't have any friends and that's the way it's been my entire life. However, more important than that is that I am not going to allow my husband to tell me what I can and can't do. Thankfully, he has no interest in that anyway.

 

[eudaimonia]

I've noticed that many married folk, in addition to the more standard vows they make to each other, also vow not to have close friends of the other sex besides their spouses. Women vow not to have close male friends, men vow not to have close female friends.

You'll be happy to note that neither I nor my wife have made any vows like this.

However, she and I do tend to socialize with our friends together, though this isn't really a vow or rule of the relationship.


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[cardero]

Isn't having friends life affirming? Aren't friends necessary to us? And isn't it shallow and superficial to prohibit people from becoming our friend merely on the basis of their sex alone?

Yes to all, which is why it is important to obtain and secure written permission.

 

[michel]

I've noticed that many married folk, in addition to the more standard vows they make to each other, also vow not to have close friends of the other sex besides their spouses. Women vow not to have close male friends, men vow not to have close female friends. The theory seems to be that these vows will protect the spouses from friendships developing into affairs, and endangering the marriage. I've heard of quite a few married couples who are making this sort of promise to each other. And even those who don't actually make it an official promise, often seem to act as if they were obligated to not have close friends of the other sex once they get married.

Therefore, I've been wondering: Have married folk gone loopy these days? Are they become moon struck lunatics incomprehensible to mere mortal single persons?

Is there anyting magical about marriage that suddenly means a person no longer needs friends, even passionate friends, of the other sex?

Isn't having friends life affirming? Doesn't it even improve our odds of living longer? Aren't friends necessary to us? And isn't it shallow and superficial to prohibit people from becoming our friend merely on the basis of their sex alone?

Does close friendship with people of another sex inevitably lead to affairs for heterosexuals?

Should all married folk be committed to insane asylums at once, or should we give them a year or so to come to their senses on this friendship issue? What do you think?

Please note: For the purposes of this thread, married couples are hereby defined as any pair bonded couple. That is, any couple that acts married, whether in a legal marriage or not.

Also please note, homosexuals and bisexuals are invited to give their views too. Just use common sense in recognizing that for a homosexual, an anologous relationship to that described above would be a close relationship with someone of the same sex other than one's mate. And so forth.

Hmmmmmmmmm. "other" O.K in theory, not in practice. My way of thinking (logical I thought) that if I loved my wife and her taste, then it would automatically follow that I would like people she liked, and vise - versa.

We certainly had nothing 'on paper' about this, but it was a 'problem' at one stage in our marriage.

My wife had had a relationship with an extremely presentable guy whom I instinctively liked, the first time I met him (Totally by accident).

My wife was a friend of all of his friends (naturally), and we would often come across joint friends of their ex-relationship. He was a batchelor, and wanted to remain that way.

I had no problem with this whatsoever, and when the guy asked Marie out for a lunch one day I thought no more of it, and said "Sure, go".

But the same principle didn't work for me (which I can understand, to some extent). I had made no secret of a relationship I had that lasted ten years off and on; I had been infatuated at the beginning.

I guess all was still 'O.K' until my wife went away on holiday with her Mum, and I invited my 'ex' for coffee at our house one day.

Neighbours took great delight in telling my wife when she came back (I didn';t even honestly think of doing so); but I had to agree never to see her again; my wife felt insecure. She said "I trust you, but I don't trust her".........................

 

[Flappycat]

Well, in most marriages I've known that have actually lasted, the partners generally have a lot of common friends and aren't shy about introducing new friends to their spouses. My parents did this all the time. My mother meets somebody, my father meets him as well. My father has a good relationship with his office assistant, and my mother is good friends with her as far as she is able with her rare visits to the city he works in. They have different relationships with the same people at times, but they are generally open with each other about their social circumstances. Why? Simple. They trust one another. Completely. The thing about that kind of trust is that it is binding. There may be a big fight and harsh words over an affair, but the fact that they don't think that anything could truly threaten their relationship with one another is a strong protection in itself. They consider it the natural state and would gravitate back to it even in the event of something upsetting things.

And yes, Michel, they have had arguments about whom and whom not to trust as friends.