I have come here to this forum because I needed to vent. I am sorry if this is not the place to go to. I consider myself a christian though I cannot stand church itself. I feel like people corrupt and twist the word of god to make it mean what they want. Every church in my opinion is a form of someones opinion so I choose to have faith in my heart. I never share my life with anyone and for good reason. Today is different though and I feel I need community since my life path has led me to be almost completely alone. Now I have to go to a forum to feel a connection with humanity.
I wish to vent about my life and hope for feedback good or bad.
In my life I have sinned greatly. These sins are what I can remember… First off I’m gay and honestly I cannot say if I was born this way or not. I was molested by a kid just a couple of years older than me when I was 4 years old. I have memory of before I was born of heaven and saying good bye to people then being led to a hole that I jumped in and then the memory goes into the memory of my birth which includes being handed to my mother my the doctor. So by 4 years old I already had many memories. I can recall so much and experienced many things so I know by then I knew right from wrong. The thing about being molested is I knew it was bad to do those things. The kid said he would kill my parents in their sleep if I didn’t do what he said. So of course I did it but I have to wonder if I would have done it with out the threat. Even after the first time he continued to make me suck him and we had anal sex and I liked it. It was a bit of a game and it was exciting. This is me as a 4 year old and it went on for a long time after that. That kid had a lot of bad influence in my life but in the end it is ultimately my choice. I could have said no and endured being beat up but I am a coward.
Some of my other sins include but not limited to… lying to my parents, lying to my teachers lying to many people really thousands of times, stealing candy as a child, stealing money from an old lady as a teen, stealing drugs from my father the drug dealer, stealing stupid crap like pens or paper from work, stealing food when I used to cut meat for a living, I also killed a kitten once. I threw it over a fence and dogs ripped it apart. I sinned by scoring my friends drugs, over charging said friends in order to make a profit, selling a dangerous drug to one friend who actually died from it but was revived by doctors, being cruel to pet dogs on many occasions just for a laugh, blasphemy and resentment toward god for my life, hate toward my parents for not feeling love, having sex with my step brother and his friend when we were growing up. Ages 10-14ish at the time, we were all under age but I probably screwed up their heads with my perverseness. I had sex with my cousin many times when her family stayed with us for the summer because they were going through rough times. It wasn’t rape or anything like that. She wanted it to and asked me to “stick my weenie in her butt” which I did and more. I was a dirty kid growing up and that hasn’t gone away as an adult. I have never felt purity and walk with a dirty mind almost constantly. I think about letting guys have their way with me and me doing things to them. I post naked pictures of myself on the internet to see what dirty things other gay people will say to me and it turns me on. Even now as an adult my thoughts if I masturbate go to times when I was young having sex with my stepbrother and his friend. It’s practically pedophilia since I prefer the hairless sex of my youth to the adult stinky bodies I have experienced. I do not seek out sex with younger people but still it’s a thought I have. Anyone 15 or older is fair game in my opinion if they are willing. I have also invited demons into my heart and body to take over though this never happened that I am aware of I still assume this is a great sin. I mistreat people constantly and as I age I find that I am losing control of my emotions. I hate people for the most part, I live with my boyfriend who I treat like crap and the poor guy sticks with me no matter what. I am truly grateful for him but the way I treat him is a sin for sure.
I have sinned much more than this as I probably sin on a daily basis but those that I have listed are probably the worst. The entire time of my life I have searched for god and battled sin but I lose and I am very weak! I have been more of a plague on the planet more than anything. When I pray to god the prayers go unanswered. Once in a while I feel that they are answered but for the most part, over 90% of the time they don’t. I feel that god doesn’t love me and of course I understand why. I feel that I do not deserve redemption. I feel like I‘m going to hell. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I beg god to save me, to cleanse my heart and soul it never happens.
I can’t hold a job, I am a burden on everyone I know either financially or mentally and for some it’s both. I no longer talk to my parents and barely talk to my blood siblings. I do not understand how someone like me can be alive. When I was 8 years old I held a knife to my stomach in the middle of the night because I couldn’t stand life anymore. If I had killed myself back then then I would have spared my stepbrother and his friend, my cousin from the lust that surely thrives in their hearts today. I could have spared all those people the burden of my presence but as I said earlier I am a shameful coward.
I guess this all boils down to where do I go from here? What should I do with my life? If Jesus can’t save me and god doesn’t love me and with no family and only one person in the world who loves me what am I to do? My boyfriend has doubt about me and of course he should. I am a walking atrocity who is hopeless. My heart only feels pain the days I can feel it. The rest of the time I walk around angry, jaded or oddly enough full of compassion for those who live. I feel I am too broken to continue. Does it sound like I need to be dead to you? It does to me and it scares me. When I take my final breathe I will be damned to eternal hell fire. I will suffer night and day for ever and ever. I beg god to save me and I beg Jesus to save me. I forgive everyone and hope I can be forgiven too but really I walk around as an empty shell. I lie to myself to make it day by day.
Today I prayed with all my heart for Jesus to save me and to show me a way to support myself and my boyfriend financially because of course I am dirt poor. As if my horrid first half of my life wasn’t enough I have to struggle financially as well. I am unhealthy and tired all the time. I’m unhappy all of the time. I do not deserve grace so I think my time on earth is pretty much at an end. I want to stick around until 12/21/12 just to see what happens with the mayan prophecy but after that who knows what I may do. I feel as though I am the worst person walking the Earth. Sure I didn’t murder but murder isn’t the only sin in life.
I wish to vent about my life and hope for feedback good or bad.
In my life I have sinned greatly. These sins are what I can remember… First off I’m gay and honestly I cannot say if I was born this way or not. I was molested by a kid just a couple of years older than me when I was 4 years old. I have memory of before I was born of heaven and saying good bye to people then being led to a hole that I jumped in and then the memory goes into the memory of my birth which includes being handed to my mother my the doctor. So by 4 years old I already had many memories. I can recall so much and experienced many things so I know by then I knew right from wrong. The thing about being molested is I knew it was bad to do those things. The kid said he would kill my parents in their sleep if I didn’t do what he said. So of course I did it but I have to wonder if I would have done it with out the threat. Even after the first time he continued to make me suck him and we had anal sex and I liked it. It was a bit of a game and it was exciting. This is me as a 4 year old and it went on for a long time after that. That kid had a lot of bad influence in my life but in the end it is ultimately my choice. I could have said no and endured being beat up but I am a coward.
Some of my other sins include but not limited to… lying to my parents, lying to my teachers lying to many people really thousands of times, stealing candy as a child, stealing money from an old lady as a teen, stealing drugs from my father the drug dealer, stealing stupid crap like pens or paper from work, stealing food when I used to cut meat for a living, I also killed a kitten once. I threw it over a fence and dogs ripped it apart. I sinned by scoring my friends drugs, over charging said friends in order to make a profit, selling a dangerous drug to one friend who actually died from it but was revived by doctors, being cruel to pet dogs on many occasions just for a laugh, blasphemy and resentment toward god for my life, hate toward my parents for not feeling love, having sex with my step brother and his friend when we were growing up. Ages 10-14ish at the time, we were all under age but I probably screwed up their heads with my perverseness. I had sex with my cousin many times when her family stayed with us for the summer because they were going through rough times. It wasn’t rape or anything like that. She wanted it to and asked me to “stick my weenie in her butt” which I did and more. I was a dirty kid growing up and that hasn’t gone away as an adult. I have never felt purity and walk with a dirty mind almost constantly. I think about letting guys have their way with me and me doing things to them. I post naked pictures of myself on the internet to see what dirty things other gay people will say to me and it turns me on. Even now as an adult my thoughts if I masturbate go to times when I was young having sex with my stepbrother and his friend. It’s practically pedophilia since I prefer the hairless sex of my youth to the adult stinky bodies I have experienced. I do not seek out sex with younger people but still it’s a thought I have. Anyone 15 or older is fair game in my opinion if they are willing. I have also invited demons into my heart and body to take over though this never happened that I am aware of I still assume this is a great sin. I mistreat people constantly and as I age I find that I am losing control of my emotions. I hate people for the most part, I live with my boyfriend who I treat like crap and the poor guy sticks with me no matter what. I am truly grateful for him but the way I treat him is a sin for sure.
I have sinned much more than this as I probably sin on a daily basis but those that I have listed are probably the worst. The entire time of my life I have searched for god and battled sin but I lose and I am very weak! I have been more of a plague on the planet more than anything. When I pray to god the prayers go unanswered. Once in a while I feel that they are answered but for the most part, over 90% of the time they don’t. I feel that god doesn’t love me and of course I understand why. I feel that I do not deserve redemption. I feel like I‘m going to hell. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I beg god to save me, to cleanse my heart and soul it never happens.
I can’t hold a job, I am a burden on everyone I know either financially or mentally and for some it’s both. I no longer talk to my parents and barely talk to my blood siblings. I do not understand how someone like me can be alive. When I was 8 years old I held a knife to my stomach in the middle of the night because I couldn’t stand life anymore. If I had killed myself back then then I would have spared my stepbrother and his friend, my cousin from the lust that surely thrives in their hearts today. I could have spared all those people the burden of my presence but as I said earlier I am a shameful coward.
I guess this all boils down to where do I go from here? What should I do with my life? If Jesus can’t save me and god doesn’t love me and with no family and only one person in the world who loves me what am I to do? My boyfriend has doubt about me and of course he should. I am a walking atrocity who is hopeless. My heart only feels pain the days I can feel it. The rest of the time I walk around angry, jaded or oddly enough full of compassion for those who live. I feel I am too broken to continue. Does it sound like I need to be dead to you? It does to me and it scares me. When I take my final breathe I will be damned to eternal hell fire. I will suffer night and day for ever and ever. I beg god to save me and I beg Jesus to save me. I forgive everyone and hope I can be forgiven too but really I walk around as an empty shell. I lie to myself to make it day by day.
Today I prayed with all my heart for Jesus to save me and to show me a way to support myself and my boyfriend financially because of course I am dirt poor. As if my horrid first half of my life wasn’t enough I have to struggle financially as well. I am unhealthy and tired all the time. I’m unhappy all of the time. I do not deserve grace so I think my time on earth is pretty much at an end. I want to stick around until 12/21/12 just to see what happens with the mayan prophecy but after that who knows what I may do. I feel as though I am the worst person walking the Earth. Sure I didn’t murder but murder isn’t the only sin in life.
