Atheist Wedding

[science_is_my_god]

For all you atheists/non-believers out there, have any of you ever been married? If so, what was it like? If not, do you have any ideas how an atheist might hold a wedding? I ask because my girlfriend and I are both atheists, and we definately have a connection with each other, and, while I am still too young for marriage, I have always pondered what I would do for a wedding ceremony. Technically, we could just go down to the courthouse and draw up the paperwork, but being the romantic type that I am, that isn't good enough. Most of my family are devout roman catholics, and would be outright offended if I had absolutely no mention of god, but I would really be hard pressed to find a minister that would keep religion and theology low key. Does anyone out there know of any atheist "ministers" that would perform a wedding? Or am I just ganna have to suck it up and deal with the whole "god brings these two together" bullcrap?

 

[Storm]

If I'm not intruding, you might look into asking a UU Reverend. Tell them the situation and let them handle balancing your distatse with your family's expectations. It's tricky, but they tend to be good at it. (Kinda have to be. )

 

[Copernicus]

I do not know how a Catholic priest would react to marrying atheists nowadays. One of my great uncles was a Catholic who got a divorce (several decades ago). When he died, according to my father, he left a large sum of money to the church. For that, the priest allowed the casket to pass by the church. He went down the steps and sprinkled some holy water on the casket. So there is some flexibility there, and arrangements can always be made.

My own advice would be to contact a local atheist group. They probably have folks who are experienced in secular ceremonies.

 

[Rakhel]

You could try a judge or Justice of the Peace at the local courthouse.

 

[Alceste]

I'm not married, but I was engaged once and had a big ceremony planned. I had booked a secular justice of the peace and planned to write the vows with my fiance. We were going to have the ceremony at the lakeside cabin my grandfather built in the autumn, followed by a harvest-themed feast. There would have been a keg, a pig roasting on a spit and a bunch of Irish musicians playing acoustically (so that I could join them - no party is a party without a jam).

An atheist wedding is whatever you want it to be. You and your partner can express who you are and what your commitment means to you using whatever symbols and language you like. It's a good opportunity to be really creative and throw a huge party your parents will pay for.

Anyway, we didn't get married in the end, so I can't tell you how it went. We broke up right before the invitations went out and my dress was sewn, thank heavens.

 

[science_is_my_god]

Thank you everybody. I will have to look into a Justice of the Peace, although I live in Iowa. I don't think too many people at the courthouse will even know what I'm talking about. I guess the question I should have asked was: "How can we have an atheist wedding without discrimination and also have people take our marriage seriously?" Unfortunately, I think I'm asking too much out of humanity.

Anyway, we didn't get married in the end, so I can't tell you how it went. We broke up right before the invitations went out and my dress was sewn, thank heavens.

Oh, I'm so sorry. That's terrible...

It's a good opportunity to be really creative and throw a huge party your parents will pay for.

Unfortunately, my parents are Catholics. They won't pay for an atheist party...

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

I do not know how a Catholic priest would react to marrying atheists nowadays. One of my great uncles was a Catholic who got a divorce (several decades ago). When he died, according to my father, he left a large sum of money to the church. For that, the priest allowed the casket to pass by the church. He went down the steps and sprinkled some holy water on the casket. So there is some flexibility there, and arrangements can always be made.

I got married in a Catholic church. My wife's parish priest had to get authorization from the bishop ("petition for difference of cult", he called it) because I'm unbaptized.

AFAIK, most parishes will have restrictions on who they will and won't marry; for example, my wife's church requires at least one half of the couple to have been a member for at least a year. Also, from what I understand, in cases like mine where a Catholic is marrying a non-Catholic or non-Christian, priests and bishops have certain latitude to either approve or deny having the marriage in their church as they see fit.

My own advice would be to contact a local atheist group. They probably have folks who are experienced in secular ceremonies.

Yep. For instance, this is one directory of secular officiants for weddings, funerals and the like for my area: Toronto Secular Humanists

Thank you everybody. I will have to look into a Justice of the Peace, although I live in Iowa. I don't think too many people at the courthouse will even know what I'm talking about.

There are other options. For example, if you have a good friend who you'd really like to officiate, maybe you could approach him or her about being ordained as a Spiritual Humanist minister.

In many states, that's enough to let the person officiate at a wedding; some states may require some sort of government registration as well, and a small number don't recognize online ordinations like this. I'm not sure what the law is where you live, but the option might be there.

I guess the question I should have asked was: "How can we have an atheist wedding without discrimination and also have people take our marriage seriously?" Unfortunately, I think I'm asking too much out of humanity.

I think that depends on your individual situation. In my case, I think we would've gotten grief from my wife's family if we were married anywhere other than a Catholic Church in front of a priest. However, I've also been to quite non-religious weddings that people respected and appreciated (at least as far as I could tell).

 

[3.14]

just say skip to the i do part

 

[Rakhel]

science is my god
google "Iowa secularists". they have a first Friday meeting in Cedar rapids. they might be able to help you where you live. Its a place to start anyways

 

[Alceste]

Thank you everybody. I will have to look into a Justice of the Peace, although I live in Iowa. I don't think too many people at the courthouse will even know what I'm talking about. I guess the question I should have asked was: "How can we have an atheist wedding without discrimination and also have people take our marriage seriously?" Unfortunately, I think I'm asking too much out of humanity.Oh, I'm so sorry. That's terrible...

Oh, don't be sorry - it's water under the bridge. I'm very glad I caught on to his cheatin' ways before we tied the knot.

Your family will take your marriage seriously however you do it. What they might be is disappointed, but not dismissive. My fiance's Catholic mother was pretty heartbroken her son wouldn't be married in a Catholic church, but she also understood that it would have been dishonest, since I'm not a Catholic or even a Christian, and that it was OUR day, not hers. You shouldn't worry about your parents or your family - what matters is that YOU take your marriage seriously, and with me that never would have happened if our vows were sandwiched in a long, boring sermon about religious crap I don't believe in and a bunch of rituals and symbols that are meaningless to me.

Unfortunately, my parents are Catholics. They won't pay for an atheist party...

S'OK - the bride's parents are supposed to pay. Also, it's much cheaper to break the mold when it comes to weddings. Our wedding was only going to cost us 1 or 2 grand, most of which would be spent on food and beer - not 10 or 20 grand like the religious weddings I've been to. Once you get started with a "traditional" wedding, it's hard to stop. First it's just "we should do it in a church because that's what my parents want", then before you know it you have 5 bridesmaids in matching dresses and a fully catered hall, a thousand dollars worth of flowers, a ridiculous-looking dress you will only wear once in your life that cost more than any other garment you will ever own, an open wine bar and a professional photographer AND videographer.

BTW, I forgot to mention, my cousin got married in a brewery in 2007. No kidding. It was a really nice wedding, and the food was great. The beer was pretty good too. There was no question of people not taking it seriously - he and his wife are so obviously in love.

 

[linwood]

If I'm not intruding, you might look into asking a UU Reverend. Tell them the situation and let them handle balancing your distatse with your family's expectations. It's tricky, but they tend to be good at it. (Kinda have to be. )

This is good advice.

However try to remember, when you get married it is "your" wedding and while friends and family should be a consideration they are not the primary concern.
It`s your day.

Now a bit of advice from someone who did have more than a little trouble with family during the planning stages of his wedding....

Elope!

I`m serious.

 

[Magic Man]

My wife and I are both atheists. We got married about a year and a half ago. We had the wedding at a local mansion that rents out for weddings and other gatherings. I don't know where our minister came from, my wife found her, but she wasn't you normal Christian minister if she was even with the church at all. (I don't think she was) We picked out the readings we wanted and went over the whole ceremony in detail with her well before the wedding, which is the way she usually does it. We didn't really involve any kind of God talk or anything, although we tried to be ambiguous about it only because of our parents. My mom specifically asked me to have God in there, even if it wasn't obvious to make her feel better about it. (No, she's not as bad as that sounds) And her parents are extremely religious.

Anyway, you can do whatever you want. Basically, just think of it as a big party where you pledge your unending love for each other and get a license from the state. It doesn't have to involve anything religious at all. All you're doing is saying "I love you, and I will never leave you no matter what". There's nothing about God in there.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

There are a wide variety of non-religious wedding officiants to choose from. We got married last year, and we're both atheists.

I actually found a priest from a liberal catholic church (whatever that means), who was very professional, and had no problem not including any mention of god in the ceremony. We basically outlined the ceremony ourselves and included bits and pieces from various ceremonies we found.

I went with the priest, because it was difficult to find an officiant who didn't seem like a complete nutjob. He was the most experienced, professional, and flexible of all the people I interviewed.

 

[J Bryson]

I would also advise a Unitarian Universalist minister, if there's one in the area. They're good with atheist/humanist weddings.

Barring that, one of your friends can get ordained online through the Universal Life Church.

 

[Nepenthe]

My wife and I got married on Halloween in Vegas. I'm an atheist, she's an apatheist.

A Justice of the Peace, secular ceremony that took 3 minutes- left plenty of time for actually enjoying each others company and doing stuff together. Stuff you do in Vegas on your wedding day. That kinda stuff.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

My wife and I got married on Halloween in Vegas. I'm an atheist, she's an apatheist.

A Justice of the Peace, secular ceremony that took 3 minutes- left plenty of time for actually enjoying each others company and doing stuff together. Stuff you do in Vegas on your wedding day. That kinda stuff.

Ah yes, like watching the free circus acts at Circus Circus and winding your way through armies of pamphlet wielding Mexicans.

 

[Nepenthe]

Hey, even if we'd decided to have a ceremony in a church or temple or whatever, I still would've insisted on the pamphlet wielding Mexicans. How else am I going to find out about the best topless clubs in the area?!?!?!

 

[invisible chzbrgr]

We got married outside at the museum I worked at at the time, and we were married by one of my coworkers who was ordained by the Universal Life Church.

Yes, it is legal. I looked it up in the state laws, all it said was that the marriage is legal as long as the wedding participants "follow the rules of stated religion" lol. There are no rules for Universal Life Church, and you can get any one of your friends to sign up (basically name & email address = ordination) to marry you.

Universal Life Church

Hubby and I wrote our own vows; we put in bits from The Prophet, from the bible, from poetry, from things I've seen in movies, etc lol. Most family and friends said it was the best wedding they'd ever been to, and probably they never even knew it was secular. Or that our officiant was gay.

(I know, ULC is technically not secular, but who are we kidding here ... yes it is!)

 

[Nanda]

My husband and I were married at home by a Justice of the Peace in front of our families.

 

[whereismynotecard]

I've thought about this before. I guess you do whatever the law says you have to in order to be married, and do the rest however you want. You could do like they did on Friends, and have one of you buddies (like Joey) become a minister online and then marry you. That would be fun.

I once had a dream that I was getting married, but there was no groom (or second bride) what I mean is, it was my wedding and only my wedding. I was the only one getting married... It was just me, in my pretty dress... It was weird, but fun. I think I might have a wedding just for the heck of it.