Attending temple (or not)... something on my mind lately

[Jainarayan]

Though I encourage others who are new to Hinduism and uncertain to attend temple, I myself am having doubts about it (again). This has happened in the past. I've gotten over it, so maybe this is just a phase like the seasons or phases of the moon.

When I walk in, or leave, I get a feeling of "I don't belong here". I've actually parked, turned the truck off, turned it back on and pulled out. I've even gotten to the door, turned around, gotten in the truck and pulled out. Sadly, I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I admit it may be my social anxiety. Temple is the only place I break out into a sweat, which I find quite embarrassing. It feeds on itself... I begin to perspire, I wipe myself down, I worry about it, I perspire even more, wipe, repeat. I'm exploring remedies for it, but I'm not hopeful. My social anxiety and self-consciousness is making me more aware of looks and stares, especially from children but I get them from a variety of ages. Some seem to be out of curiosity, because then I make eye contact and smiles and a slight head nod ensues. Some looks I think are downright disapproval or at least questioning.

There are regular devotees I do not feel this discomfort with, or from the priests from whom I get smiles and greetings. Sometimes a person's curiosity will get the better of them and strike up a conversation. Booyah! I've made a friend. I understand it's God's house, and no one is (or should be) there for anyone else but him/her, but human nature being what it is...

Sometimes I think I should just hang back and be a spectator, a "regular visitor" rather than participating as I do. If I know a chant, I will chant it. After a long time and much practice, I can chant the full Mantra Pushpam. The next one I really want to learn is the Sri Suktam. Sometimes the full version of Mantra Pushpam is chanted by the priests, sometimes an abbreviated version. White boy can sing om jai jagadisha hare at aarti (in tune no less! ). I can't help thinking people think it's just grandstanding and not sincere.

My husband tells me I'm being silly (actually I think it's one of the few times he called me stupid), and that it is my imagination. I hope he's right, because I do like going to temple. It's funny that I feel kind of better having written this, but I can't shake the overall feeling of being out of place.

 

[sayak83]

Though I encourage others who are new to Hinduism and uncertain to attend temple, I myself am having doubts about it (again). This has happened in the past. I've gotten over it, so maybe this is just a phase like the seasons or phases of the moon.

When I walk in, or leave, I get a feeling of "I don't belong here". I've actually parked, turned the truck off, turned it back on and pulled out. I've even gotten to the door, turned around, gotten in the truck and pulled out. Sadly, I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I admit it may be my social anxiety. Temple is the only place I break out into a sweat, which I find quite embarrassing. It feeds on itself... I begin to perspire, I wipe myself down, I worry about it, I perspire even more, wipe, repeat. I'm exploring remedies for it, but I'm not hopeful. My social anxiety and self-consciousness is making me more aware of looks and stares, especially from children but I get them from a variety of ages. Some seem to be out of curiosity, because then I make eye contact and smiles and a slight head nod ensues. Some looks I think are downright disapproval or at least questioning.

There are regular devotees I do not feel this discomfort with, or from the priests from whom I get smiles and greetings. Sometimes a person's curiosity will get the better of them and strike up a conversation. Booyah! I've made a friend. I understand it's God's house, and no one is (or should be) there for anyone else but him/her, but human nature being what it is...

Sometimes I think I should just hang back and be a spectator, a "regular visitor" rather than participating as I do. If I know a chant, I will chant it. After a long time and much practice, I can chant the full Mantra Pushpam. The next one I really want to learn is the Sri Suktam. Sometimes the full version of Mantra Pushpam is chanted by the priests, sometimes an abbreviated version. White boy can sing om jai jagadisha hare at aarti (in tune no less! ). I can't help thinking people think it's just grandstanding and not sincere.

My husband tells me I'm being silly (actually I think it's one of the few times he called me stupid), and that it is my imagination. I hope he's right, because I do like going to temple. It's funny that I feel kind of better having written this, but I can't shake the overall feeling of being out of place.

Do you belong to a community of practicing Hindus with whom you are in reasonably regular contact? (Except us.. more face to face) Practicing alone can create such out of place feelings.

 

[Jainarayan]

Do you belong to a community of practicing Hindus with whom you are in reasonably regular contact? (Except us.. more face to face) Practicing alone can create such out of place feelings.

No, sadly I don't. You may be on to something, which I'll explain a little bit more.

The only Hindus I come into contact with are at work and the few people at temple I'm acquainted with. At work we can't spend a lot of time talking. Only occasionally in the kitchen do we have brief passing conversations about this festival or that. Even less about our individual practices. We do talk a lot about food. They get a kick out of my recent foray into Indian cooking. I don't have anyone to celebrate festivals with, I do puja alone (when I do it, as per my other thread),

I don't have anyone to attend temple with, either at home or at temple. It definitely adds to a feeling of isolation. And not a little bit of "sad envy", that is, I see others with their families and it makes me feel a bit sad that I'm alone. My husband respects my practices and beliefs but that's about it. I'm trying to get him to come to temple, and I think he wants to. So yeah, I feel alone in a crowd. At Sri Venkateshwara Brahmotsavam, if not for one of the very first ladies I met the first time I went to the temple, and her daughter, I would have felt totally isolated.I look forward to seeing them, it sort of grounds me in some familiarity.

 

[sayak83]

No, sadly I don't. You may be on to something, which I'll explain a little bit more.

The only Hindus I come into contact with are at work and the few people at temple I'm acquainted with. At work we can't spend a lot of time talking. Only occasionally in the kitchen do we have brief passing conversations about this festival or that. Even less about our individual practices. We do talk a lot about food. They get a kick out of my recent foray into Indian cooking. I don't have anyone to celebrate festivals with, I do puja alone (when I do it, as per my other thread),

I don't have anyone to attend temple with, either at home or at temple. It definitely adds to a feeling of isolation. And not a little bit of "sad envy", that is, I see others with their families and it makes me feel a bit sad that I'm alone. My husband respects my practices and beliefs but that's about it. I'm trying to get him to come to temple, and I think he wants to. So yeah, I feel alone in a crowd. At Sri Venkateshwara Brahmotsavam, if not for one of the very first ladies I met the first time I went to the temple, and her daughter, I would have felt totally isolated.I look forward to seeing them, it sort of grounds me in some familiarity.

Why not try a Hindu group to go to? Try meetup website for searching nearby groups maybe?

 

[Jainarayan]

Why not try a Hindu group to go to? Try meetup website for searching nearby groups maybe?

Hmm... I never thought of that. Good idea!

I might add that I've avoided going to the cultural events, and there's certainly no lack of them. I think I'd feel even more isolated because they're very family oriented. But smaller groups may be just the ticket.

 

[Vinayaka]

I still feel alone, not of the crowd, but then I LIKE feeling alone.

 

[Jainarayan]

I still feel alone, not of the crowd, but then I LIKE feeling alone.

Ironically, I am a bit of a loner. I like my own company. I always preferred solo bike rides (truthfully, I never felt comfortable in cycling group rides), walks and hikes, workouts, running, the beach. I like solitude but there's something different about this. Maybe I am making myself feel different.

 

[Vinayaka]

I think we all have some degree of social anxiety, but I really have no idea about the way you speak of it. Maybe you just need more practice, although that sounds rather simplistic.

 

[Jainarayan]

I think we all have some degree of social anxiety, but I really have no idea about the way you speak of it. Maybe you just need more practice, although that sounds rather simplistic.

It's a two-fold problem, one component being social anxiety, but it's mostly a feeling of being an outsider that I am having a problem with. I'm not sure why, because no one has ever been rude or unwelcoming. I may read too much into facial expressions and body language.

 

[Vinayaka]

It's a two-fold problem, one component being social anxiety, but it's mostly a feeling of being an outsider that I am having a problem with. I'm not sure why, because no one has ever been rude or unwelcoming. I may read too much into facial expressions and body language.

You have to understand that we (western Hindus) are unusual. Imagine yourself in a similar situation. (In a mall, some very tall man walks by, a woman wearing burka, etc.) Although we might not want to look, we probably at least steal a glance. I say it's time we got used to it.

 

[Jainarayan]

You have to understand that we (western Hindus) are unusual. Imagine yourself in a similar situation. (In a mall, some very tall man walks by, a woman wearing burka, etc.) Although we might not want to look, we probably at least steal a glance. I say it's time we got used to it.

No doubt, which is why I'm willing to give a big chunk of credence to it being mostly in my head and need to consider it probably no more than curiosity. Kids are naturally curious, yet sometimes shy. I've noticed it more so among Indian kids than western kids. If and when the time ever comes that someone actually says something, I'll deal with it then. Probably by running out crying like a schoolgirl (nah just kidding, that wouldn't be a pretty sight ).

 

[Islington]

At the local temple, I've had devotees (mainly Tamil) asking to take a picture of me (white people) so they could show it around their families. Some others are surprised to hear that I come every week. Or stare during the whole puja, clearly asking themselves what on earth are white people doing here.

It can get really uncomfortable but then, @JayaBholenath tells me often that it is the Indian way, to stare.
If it isn't considered rude, maybe they aren't aware of how uncomfortable we can feel.

Anyway, who stares at you? Do the devotees that should be used to seeing you still stare? Or are they people who do not come often and, therefore, might not know you?

 

[SalixIncendium]

@Jainarayan, I have yet to go to a Hindu temple for many of the reasons that you list. I agree wholeheartedly with @sayak83's suggestion to meet with a local Hindu group if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of going to a temple.

I just started meeting with a local Vedanta group and am becoming increasingly comfortable with them. The idea of going to a temple is becoming less intimidating with each meeting. I imagine at some point in the near future, I'll go, if not by myself, with members of the group.

 

[Jainarayan]

If it isn't considered rude, maybe they aren't aware of how uncomfortable we can feel.

That is very possible. We have a large Hispanic workforce at my company. It seems to be a thing with them too, to stare.

Anyway, who stares at you? Do the devotees that should be used to seeing you still stare? Or are they people who do not come often and, therefore, might not know you?

Mostly people I’ve never seen or have never seen me. Of course there are the strangers who give a big smile.

I can get past all that if I put my mind to it, but what I have a hard time shaking off is the feeling of not belonging. I feel like that most places but especially at the temple. Maybe because it’s so large, so much going on and so many people I’m overwhelmed. I could probably step back and not try to take it all in.

 

[Aupmanyav]

Sometimes I think I should just hang back and be a spectator, a "regular visitor" rather than participating as I do. If I know a chant, I will chant it. After a long time and much practice, I can chant the full Mantra Pushpam. The next one I really want to learn is the Sri Suktam. Sometimes the full version of Mantra Pushpam is chanted by the priests, sometimes an abbreviated version. White boy can sing om jai jagadisha hare at aarti (in tune no less! ). I can't help thinking people think it's just grandstanding and not sincere.

If the temple has Hinduism classes, teach what you know of it (and it is not that you do not know). Show that you are not a novice. Remove the hesitation. See how easy it is to become a guru.

 

[SomeRandom]

I agree with the suggestion to find yourself a social group of Hindus to chill with. Or find your little clique in your temple. Or cross the two, whichever works for you.
Going to temple expecting to encounter friends is always a much better experience than simply rubbing shoulders with other attendees. Indeed our temple visits are always treated as a social occasion.
And with Diwali coming up fast, go out. Find friends and eat as much as you can!
(I'm super pumped for all the Pera/Barfi and puri that will inevitably end up in my path!!)
Also remember that the etiquette and "body language" is different for Indians than Westerners. What may seem harsh to you may simply be an everyday casual thing to others. I find that Indian culture is sometimes seen as harsh when it's not really trying to be.

I am quite pale for a "half breed" so I often encounter the stares and the sense of being the other, even though I am a born Hindu. But because I grew up in the "group" I regard most of the temple regulars as family.

I am a lone wolf and clumsily avoid social contact as I am very awkward. But if you steel yourself before going in. Meditate upon your (favourite) form, ask for courage I'm sure the feeling may dissipate over time. Unless you think it severe enough to seek professional advice, of course. I do not know your situation.

 

[Jainarayan]

What may seem harsh to you may simply be an everyday casual thing to others. I find that Indian culture is sometimes seen as harsh when it's not really trying to be.

I think you’re right about that. I’ve said it myself but I’m not taking my own advice. Maybe it’s because English is so wordy and Americans talk more than they need to, anything else seems curt.

I think I am going to temple tomorrow night for Dhanalakshmi Puja. It’s her house after all. If I feel uncomfortable it’s like I’m suggesting she’s not a good hostess.

 

[SomeRandom]

I think you’re right about that. I’ve said it myself but I’m not taking my own advice. Maybe it’s because English is so wordy and Americans talk more than they need to, anything else seems curt.

Well that and "Brown folks" take no issue with warning, threatening and otherwise belittling their children. All for their own good of course. Not to mention their erm "concern for me." The amount of times I have been force fed a bunch of meals only for some "well meaning aunty" to kindly remind me that I might be getting fat after I gain like an ounce lol
What is seen a horrible way to speak to loved ones in many Western homes is simply a way of speaking nicely in ours.
For example

(note this is purely for comedic purposes. Disclaimer disclaimer)
Actually looking back at it, perhaps all mothers are the same.

I think I am going to temple tomorrow night for Dhanalakshmi Puja. It’s her house after all. If I feel uncomfortable it’s like I’m suggesting she’s not a good hostess.

Yay!

 

[Jainarayan]

Yay!

Yeah, I'm even dressed. Well, business casual: new polo shirt, dark blue chinos. I think a tie would be over the top. I do like wearing a tie occasionally, but the collar has to be loosened: that "devil-may-care" demeanor ... I can't stand anything around my neck.

I've been dressing better for work and gotten compliments from surprised coworkers. With the exception of last Friday's half vacation day it's been about 2 weeks since I've worn jeans and a t shirt. It's been nice slacks, collared shirts or polo shirts. I've also realized that part of my feelings of "inadequacy" at temple were most likely due to how I was dressing. Not disrespectfully, but just "not me".

 

[Aupmanyav]

Good to hear that.