Authormatic - Create your own best seller!

[Bastet]

I just found this totally by accident - but it's a crack up!! :biglaugh: http://www.valmcdermid.com/pages/authormatic.html
Here's the first story it 'generated' from my list of words (victim's name changed to protect the innocent):

The Christmas Nose

Nobody down at the station was expecting THAT Christmas present. This year, like every other, they all put in a small gift, wrote names on pieces of paper and drew out the corresponding present.
"What did you get Sarge?" Asked Carol.
"F**k me! Gov, You'd better take a look at this." There was a severed nose and a note, which read, 'You're next.'
Meg, who was very drunk and was attempting to remove and photocopy the duty solicitor's g-string, started dancing round the photocopier shouting. "Anyone lost this nose?"
"Not funny, Meg", said Carol, "okay everybody, party’s over.."
"**** me! It's Frank's nose," gasped young Bill (Old Bill's son), "I'd know that enormous nose anywhere."
"Tony, can you take a look at this," said Carol, "this filthy business is top priority. Any ideas?"
On closer inspection Tony finds a small part of an airfix modeling kit stuck to the nose.
"Humm, If I’m not mistaken, this is the rear tip of a 1942 Lancaster bomber, these little bits stick to anything but what they're supposed to. Looks to me like our killer used a modeling table to lay the body out on."
"What can you tell us about the killer Tony?" Asks Carol.
"Age, between 45 and 60, bit of a loner or trapped in a bad relationship, needs to be in control but feels like everything is falling apart. You’ll probably find the toothpick used to kill Frank is, like as not, back in its place in an 'Ikea' storage solution. Also, the killer spends much of their limited spare time on the toilet. Losing the rear tip of the Lancaster could be what tipped them over the edge.."
"Any idea what the this individual does for a living?" askes Carol.
"Police officer"
"Are you sure?"
"Quite sure, if you look at the note you’ll see that it is written on police internal memo paper from this very station!"
"Young Bill," says Carol, "go and get that newly trained police cat, it’s time to put it to the test."
The cat went straight to Meg and indicated strongly that this was the killer.
"How on earth?" said Young Bill.
"Simple, it's the smell of the airfix glue," said Tony. "It never goes away"
"You’ll never make it stick!" shouts Meg.

THE END

 

[Feathers in Hair]

Here's mine! (Sorry, NetDoc, you became the murderer, since you were the person I would least suspect!)

CHAPTER ONE
Stuart shivered as the freezing wind forced its way through his thickest pants. His first visit to Glasgow for eight years and even the cold tweaked his nostalgia buttons. The tenement blocks he was passing had not been his childhood home, that had been a miniscule neat house in the library, but his Gran had lived in one till a fall in the street had forced her into a home in the early 80’s. He realised he was humming into his turned-up collar and smiled as he identified the tune as "Oh you canna shove your granny off a bus". With an effort he pulled himself back to the present, he had a murder to investigate: a murder that had been written off by the local police as the suicide of a distraught gay musician after an unhappy love affair. But what musician would commit suicide on the eve of the release of their first CD? What Glaswegian would kill themselves with an English whack-a-mole mallet in that ugly fashion?

A movement caught Stuart’s eye, it was a feral ferret, one of the many in the square mile surrounding Saucihall Street. The ferret squeezed through the partly open door of a boarded up shop. Seized by a sudden hunch Stuart followed.

"Dear Heavens!!" an expression of surprise dating back to his schooldays escaped him. The room he found himself in was completely papered in photos of Sideshow Bob, the musician killed exactly a week before two streets away. All the hairs on his buttockal regions bristled.

"So, Mr Clever Dick, top of the class detective. You’ve come back from your goofy Sassenach University to show us Scottish plods how this detective work is done have you?"
The accent was very local, the voice strangely familiar. Stuart spun round to see a 20-year-older version of a face he knew all too well. NetDoc, old classmate, ex school bully, now respectable head of the Glasgow murder squad.

 

[Bastet]

The tenement blocks he was passing had not been his childhood home, that had been a miniscule neat house...

Oooh...in one of the other times I did this, I got this scenario and I'd used "miniscule" as the 'size' word too! :areyoucra

 

[Feathers in Hair]

Hehee, it's one of my favorites!

 

[kiwimac]

Mine:

Tony "Squid" vicious was found On the Banks of the ohio. There was no doubt about it Tony "Squid" vicious was dead! The body was naked except for the Willie warmer which looked Thundering in the moonlight.
Suddenly a sound shattered the calm and before they could jump aside it was on them. It was a humungous Elephant and this Elephant sure was mean looking.
"Oh my giddy aunt!" shouted Carol. "Where the hell is Tony when you need him?"
Tony scratched his left armpit. Something had caught his eye, it might be nothing, but on the other hand, what was the Tuba doing here On the Banks of the ohio? Poor Tony "Squid" vicious, what a way to go..
Tony was shaken out of his musings by shouts coming from where Carol and her team were working..
"Get over here quick, Tony" shouted Carol, "a mean Elephant has just attacked our fibres expert, Trevor "Datafield" Nosehairs IV."
Carol wrestled the Elephant to the floor and found a name tag round its neck bearing the name Tony "Squid" vicious. "What’s going on Tony?"
"Carol," said Tony, "by the look of the humungous injuries sustained on the body, especially those to the left armpit area, I would say that the victim’s death was caused by the Tuba I've just found. Tony "Squid" vicious was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. We have had a series of murders in this area - each body has been left wearing just one piece of clothing. The Willie warmer left on this latest body completes the set. The killer has been building an outfit - one item of clothing per body. Clothes are very important to this person, I think that the killer might have been connected in some way to the fashion industry. Could be a frustrated designer."
"What about this Elephant with the name tag? Why did it attack Trevor "Datafield" Nosehairs IV?" asked Carol.
"Because Carol, this Elephant was a witness to the crime and recognised the killer!"
"But how can we know that Trevor "Datafield" Nosehairs IV is the killer?"
"Two things Carol. Firstly, Trevor "Datafield" Nosehairs IV is left handed and this is a left handed Tuba and secondly, if you look closely at the Tuba it says, 'this belongs to Trevor "Datafield" Nosehairs IV'.
"Brilliant", sighs Carol.

Kiwimac

 

[kiwimac]

No2, in whihc I play the part of an corpse.

CHAPTER ONE
After a while the torch beams of the other searchers turned into distant flashes of light and the voices became an occasional call carried on the wind and not definitely identifiable as animal, let alone human. Inspector Wicks looked up from the boggy ground in front of his feet as the moon came out from behind a black scurrying cloud.
"Well, paint me red!!" His boot slipped sideways pitching him forwards. Not only did he now have wet knees and a wet sock but he had managed to hit the only rock between here and Sheffield and he struggled to his feet ruefully rubbing his sore left leg. He was dog-tired. What a night, what a really dirty night, one which had actually started well, on his settee with a takeaway and a can of lager in front of the TV and should have ended a couple of hours later in bed with a large tot of his favourite single malt on the bedside table. Instead here he was tramping a particularly inhospitable part of the moor, looking for a lost kid called Kiwimac whose most recent school photo had covered the front pages of all the papers for the last two days. He groaned; damn this job; damn Crimewatch; damn the busybody public with their farfetched anonymous tip-offs. If only he was in bed, if only he was on the roller coaster, if only he was anywhere else.
Another thick curtain of cloud was drawn across the leering face of the moon, accompanied by a high-pitched whistle. Was that the signal? Had something been found? He struggled to avoid imagining what that something might be, instead his mind produced a sudden image of the big stegosaurus that had stalked his night hours in childhood, he squashed that thought too, a childish terror but not one to conjure up in the present circumstances. He deliberately formed an image of his own small son fast asleep in that terraced house in South London, under the blue dolphin duvet cover that …… blue, something had been blue. He swung back the torch beam, retracing the path it had taken, a child’s blue hat. Probably been there for weeks, blown away on a summer picnic. It looked new. Reluctantly but methodically he directed his torch over a 6 metre circle surrounding the blue hat. This time white, the white curve of a small bent leg, a tangle of arms, neck twisted sideways, life-sized but not life-like, surely an abandoned doll, let fall and forgotten at the day’s end: and beside the doll, incongruously, partially obscuring its face, an all too real-looking Glass ferret remover.

Kiwimac

 

[FyreBrigidIce]

Here is mine. It is titled LUCKY G-STRING. ROFL

"Carol, it’s Tony. The killer has just notched up number four."
""Wait just a dard-burned, cotton-picking minute"! "I’ll be right over. Was the body..?"
"Yes, another one In a cave."

Carol dressed quickly but not so quickly that she forgot to wear her lucky G-string. It all started as a coincidence really. Just happened that three times in a row she wore her favourite G-string and managed to solve the case within 24 hours. Carol isn’t particularly superstitious but why risk it?

Damn, the Snow Owl hasn't been fed. "Sorry old thing, I'll feed you the minute I get back." Said Carol to her Minute pet. With that Carol hurried out of the house.

"We've got to nail the *******, and soon." Said Tony. "This latest attack shows a marked escalation."
"Is this the murder weapon Tony?" Asked Carol.
"Yep, I reckon it is."
"How could anyone use this Bomb on someone's Brain. I’ve seen some Majestic things in my time but.."
"Do we have any ID on the body Carol?"
"Yes, the victim’s name is Ossama Bin Laden, but we've not much else at the moment, the guys are working on it."
"Wait a minute," said Tony, "I've seen this Bomb before, yes it was back when I did my stint as a soldier. I had this mate back then, in the army, we used to get together and sing. We were pretty good too! Anyway, my mate found this Bomb when we were out on manoeuvres, he brought it back because it was so Majestic, yep it's definitely the same one."
"There's a pattern emerging here," said Carol. "Each murder weapon is getting nastier than the last, each victim is getting more injuries.. Yes, first victim one main injury, second two injuries and so on.."
"Never mind all that Carol," said Tony, "my mate sold the Bomb to a really dodgy character called Mr. Snuffalupigus who works in the officer's mess. Let's go! Nice G-string by the way."

THE END

FBI