Being Alive

[Darkdale]

Experiencing Life

Have you ever closed a book in the middle of a chapter or walked out of a theater in the middle of a movie to use the restroom or get a drink? I always feel an abrupt collapse or a fracturing of the make-believe reality I was entertaining. But at the end of a movie or at the conclusion of a book, I walk out of the theater or close the book and I feel focused, delighted by the story I just experienced; and as I walk away with the message and meaning of the story I feel a sense of clarity, a sense of clarity that slowly disappears with each step I take. There is something about a story that is black and white, that is specific.

In a book, as in any story, there is an introduction, rising action, a climax, falling action and finally the denouement. It’s complete, specific; a story was told, a meaning was delivered and at the end you walk away with a sense of satisfaction. But in life, there is no one introduction, there are thousands. We are experiencing many rising and falling actions, climaxes and denouements all at the same time. There are many stories being experienced all at once and if you aren’t careful, you can lose your focus. At least, I find that I am always losing focus.

Some people tell you to “live in the moment”. What does that mean exactly? By the time I realize I’m in a moment, there is always some required reaction, which is usually a distraction form the purity of the moment before hand. Each antecedent experience is blurred by a hundred contextual interpretations and by the time you figure out the importance of a single moment, it’s gone. Life is confusing. In one moment you feel life rushing by you like scenery at seventy miles an hour and in the next it’s as if time has stopped all together.

I try to place a finger on the meaning of the moment, to figure out what part of the story of my life I am in and I feel miserable, totally dejected. In stories, the message is presented with the intent of the author, who knew the ending before he even began writing the introduction. Life is not that way at all, but I guess this explains why so many people hold on to a faith in the idea that God has a plan for their lives, that the story of their life was written by the author Divinity and that they have a purpose. I don’t have that faith.

So here I am, in the falling action of this little composition, sharing my feelings as I feel them, trying to present some little insight into the chaos of the human soul and the sensation of whirling about that one feels when they stop and look around; time stops and the world flies by at seventy miles an hour. I try to figure it out, but I can’t. It’s too chaotic for me to order. It’s too big for me to put it in a box. It’s too wild for me to tame. Life.

I try to draw some conclusion, I try to end these sentences with something I can leave you with, to establish denouement… but I can’t; because life really is a million stories all happening at once, and no one is wise enough to see how they all fit together and no one can figure out exactly where they are in this long chain of human events. Maybe that is why so many people are restless. Maybe the people who are calm are the people who don’t worry about the meaning of it all and who just go from moment to moment, taking it all in and are simply happy just being alive and getting a chance to go along on the ride.

*That was something I just wrote on a private blog of mine and I thought I would share it here. I'm not sure what kind of responce I am looking for, but I hope you can take something meaningful from it.

 

[michel]

That's a lovely piece of writing, and so true; it reminds me of when I was younger and went each Saturday, to watch a cowboy fil at the cinema. When I came out late in the afternoon, I would swagger down the street, a gun belt with two colt 45's, looking all around for the bad guy..........


Living the moment; that is quite an art. I spent six months taking classes in learning how to do things mindfully. That is the same principle.

Ever driven down the road, and before you know it, you are half way to work ? - the car has driven itself for at least twenty minutes, with apparently no input from you ......... I am sure we have all done it.........walking away from the house..."Now did I lock the front door ?" - or, worse still, your wife says "Did you lock the front door ?" - you know you did; you always do.....but you need to go back and check...just in case.

Walk down the street mindfully; drink a cup of coffee mindfully. eat a grape mindfully. Try it. Take the grape; feel the texture of the skin, feel the suppleness of the fruit; how does it feel in between your fingers? sure there are noises around you, and you cannot help but notice them, as you will those little hap hazzard thoughts that you have generated yourself........but you pay no attention to them - you treat them as you would a train that speeds through a station - in, through and out - with no lingering feelings. You are concentrating on the grape. You will put it in between your teeth, and touch it with your tongue; what does that feel like ? - are you aware of your posture while you are doing this ? sitting, or standing? - the tension in the muscles around you neck........the beat of your heart....there is only you and that grape.

When you eat it, you give your mind 110% to that grape - it will be the first time you have really tasted a grape; it will be a totally new experience.

Try it ; do it walking down the street - concentrate on exactly what your feet are doing; you'll be surprised....... That is the start. When you are good at this, apply it to everything in your life, and it all takes on a different meaning. You will LIVE your life - instead of being a passer by, occasionally having glimpses of yourself rushing about.

 

[Majikthise]

eat a grape mindfully. Try it. Take the grape; feel the texture of the skin, feel the suppleness of the fruit; how does it feel in between your fingers? sure there are noises around you, and you cannot help but notice them, as you will those little hap hazzard thoughts that you have generated yourself........but you pay no attention to them - you treat them as you would a train that speeds through a station - in, through and out - with no lingering feelings. You are concentrating on the grape. You will put it in between your teeth, and touch it with your tongue; what does that feel like ? - are you aware of your posture while you are doing this ? sitting, or standing? - the tension in the muscles around you neck........the beat of your heart....there is only you and that grape.

When you eat it, you give your mind 110% to that grape - it will be the first time you have really tasted a grape; it will be a totally new experience.

Try it ; do it walking down the street - concentrate on exactly what your feet are doing; you'll be surprised....... That is the start. When you are good at this, apply it to everything in your life, and it all takes on a different meaning. You will LIVE your life - instead of being a passer by, occasionally having glimpses of yourself rushing about.

Wow! You've pretty much described what it's like to be stoned Mich. Are you sure you're not a closet toker?:biglaugh:

 

[Darkdale]

ahhh, yes. I've tried it. I can't stick with it. I am like a cat or a dog. I'll be walking along, living moment to moment and then a leaf moves or a chipmunk darts across my path and I'm off to the races. I'm one of those people that has a goal in mind, but is totally happy throwing everything away for a roadtrip to Georgia, Berlin or Baltimore. I'm one of those people that wakes up in the morning with one set of goals and goes to bed accomplishing something quite different. The only plan I've ever seen to the end was my college degree and I'm about to go get another one. Seems like it's the only thing I can start, that I can also finish. Moments are blurry. Doesn't mean I'm not living life, it just means I'm not paying attention. What I am really waiting for is a reason to pay attention to something, anything. I read or watch a story... I pay attention, all the dull parts are left out. Life is mostly dull, at least for me. Nothing to be sad over, I suspect most people live ordinary lives. I just find no comfort in being ordinary, nor any reason to be extraordinary.

Grapes are great, don't get me wrong, but so are leaves, fires, beers, fist fights, flowers, movies about Christmas, West Wing, Playstation, walks along a lake, walks along a beach, walks along a rocky riverside and a coffee in a shop with some friggin' atmosphere. My greatest problem... nothing is better than anything else. Everything affects me just about the same. It's not that I'm not living in the moment, it's that moments are like rocks... you've got to look at a lot of them till you find one actually worth noticing.

As out of focus as my life is, I do have one intuitive virtue. In the end, I have no attachment to regret, to wishes, to desires, to possessions or to anything else. In the end, all I really care about, are my friends and my family. Outside of that... everything is a total and utter blur.

 

[Ormiston]

Sounds like you are blessed to me. Perhaps the trick is to collect all of those "precious" rocks and revisit them frequently. Don't give any of them up because they are so hard to come by. Spend more time with your best friends and less time with your aquaintances. And when trying to get a grasp of the world as it races by, try focusing on a single spot (like looking into the woods out the side window of a car) instead of holding any single element in your sight. Probably just a bunch of double-talk but there might be something useful here.

 

[Hope]

Darkdale, thanks for sharing your thoughts and insight. I actually can relate very well to many things you said. Only, I have a different reaction. To me, nothing in life is random. And that is what makes each and every moment precious to me. In the present, I can never understand why certain things happen. But, when I look back on the circumstances and happenings in my life, I begin to see patterns, and I begin to understand why certain things happened, why I met certain people, etc. When viewed in retrospect, things gain more clarity, make more sense. It's kind of like looking at a tapestry, or some other piece of artwork, through a magnifying glass. When seen closely, all one sees are the individual threads, or the individual strokes. It's only in stepping back, and looking at the whole picture, from a distance, that one can appreciate the work's true beauty and significance. One can see how each strand, or each stroke, connects with the others, and contributes to creating something beautiful. This is how I see my life. Everything in my life is meaningful---even the dark, difficult bits---because I know every little thing is like a stroke added to a painting. One day the painting will be complete, and everything will make sense. How beautiful my 'painting' ultimately becomes depends simply on how I react to my circumstances. I want to be a willing 'brush' in the hands of the Divine Artist so that my life---His artwork---will turn out as it was meant to.

This is how I see things.....

 

[Shadow Wolf]

It takes an exciting life to live in the moment. I miss the days before all my friends moved, and the days before gas was too expensive to do excesive traveling, and before I tore my ACL. For now, my days of excitement, and new daily experiences are gone. Wrestling, playing in a band, causing trouble, living are things I am trying to bring to the present again. Now my life is what Micheal described, you do everything automatically, not even thinking of it. I don't even have to think of my drive to work. I could probably do in my sleep. I don't even pay attention to it most of the time. The only friends I have left here are too paranoid to do anything that would be frowned upon.

 

[michel]

Wow! You've pretty much described what it's like to be stoned Mich. Are you sure you're not a closet toker?:biglaugh:

I'm not, I promise - and I'll tell you something else; my way of experiencing this is a) a lot cheaper than yours b) not addictive c) has no side effects.

Darkdale, thanks for sharing your thoughts and insight. I actually can relate very well to many things you said. Only, I have a different reaction. To me, nothing in life is random. And that is what makes each and every moment precious to me. In the present, I can never understand why certain things happen. But, when I look back on the circumstances and happenings in my life, I begin to see patterns, and I begin to understand why certain things happened, why I met certain people, etc. When viewed in retrospect, things gain more clarity, make more sense. It's kind of like looking at a tapestry, or some other piece of artwork, through a magnifying glass. When seen closely, all one sees are the individual threads, or the individual strokes. It's only in stepping back, and looking at the whole picture, from a distance, that one can appreciate the work's true beauty and significance. One can see how each strand, or each stroke, connects with the others, and contributes to creating something beautiful. This is how I see my life. Everything in my life is meaningful---even the dark, difficult bits---because I know every little thing is like a stroke added to a painting. One day the painting will be complete, and everything will make sense. How beautiful my 'painting' ultimately becomes depends simply on how I react to my circumstances. I want to be a willing 'brush' in the hands of the Divine Artist so that my life---His artwork---will turn out as it was meant to.

This is how I see things.....

How true that is ! So many times have I had something horrid happen, that in retrospect were actually building blocks for a positive outcome. What a beautiful way of expressing yourself...........

 

[michel]

Grapes are great, don't get me wrong, but so are leaves, fires, beers, fist fights, flowers, movies about Christmas, West Wing, Playstation, walks along a lake, walks along a beach, walks along a rocky riverside and a coffee in a shop with some friggin' atmosphere. My greatest problem... nothing is better than anything else. Everything affects me just about the same. It's not that I'm not living in the moment, it's that moments are like rocks... you've got to look at a lot of them till you find one actually worth noticing.

As out of focus as my life is, I do have one intuitive virtue. In the end, I have no attachment to regret, to wishes, to desires, to possessions or to anything else. In the end, all I really care about, are my friends and my family. Outside of that... everything is a total and utter blur.

Oh, I know what you mean - as you say, picking up a leaf from the ground, feeling it's texture, looking at the tree from which it fell, touching the trunk - gnarled and hard; oh, I agree, nothing is better than anything else - except maybe for new-born life.........

Like you, I am very fortunate, in that I have no regrets, very few wishes and desires (none of which are unnatainable).....like you, I care about my family (I haven't many friends).

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

Most people can see. it is easy, we can all do it.
he problem is we see very little, we spend very little time actually looking and understanding what we see.
The same is true about doing things. We do the things we know how to do. Which leave the experience of most things strangers to us.
I have always believed that if I want to, I can learn to do anything. and I am sure its true not just for me but most others as well.
There comes times when for some reason you can no longer do what you have been able to before, because of an accident or some such.
It still leaves a huge number of interesting things you can learn to do.

Terry__________________________________
Blessed are the merciful, mercy shall be shown unto them.

 

[Darkdale]

Like you, I am very fortunate, in that I have no regrets, very few wishes and desires (none of which are unnatainable).....like you, I care about my family (I haven't many friends).

Is there something more though? Something I am missing?

1. Love your family and friends.
2. Do Good.
3. No regrets.

Is there a deeper meaning to life?

 

[Ormiston]

Is there something more though? Something I am missing?

1. Love your family and friends.
2. Do Good.
3. No regrets.

Is there a deeper meaning to life?

Perhaps, to search forever for a deeper meaning to life. Seriously though, what deeper meaning could there be? We ARE life. We belong to the group of things that are alive. "The Meaning of Life" MUST be defined by each of us (IMO). What I mean is, there isn't a universal goal; not even survival (suicide, risking your life for another, etc.).
-
Now 'No' sucks as far as answers go. It's too easy. So, I'd like to take a stab at a different answer, regardless of what I believe. Perhaps we are MEANT FOR searching. We seem to be good at it. We seem to like it. And we seem to always be doing it, whether it be searching for a good time or searching for enlightenment. Now to go deeper, what could be so important that our very existance is to look for it? God? Happiness? Knowledge? I don't think any one of them is good enough myself. What about "The Truth"? What if the deeper meaning of life is to search for the truth? What does this even mean? If we are searching for the truth, then what we've already found is either a lie or only a partial truth. Assuming what we know or see is only the partial truth; does this mean that there is more to see, more to know, more to experience? Of course there is! And what if it is all a lie or a deception or an illusion? I, for one, would certainly like to know the truth; the whole truth. It goes to follow, as well, that if we are meant for searching for the truth, once we find it, we will either be different or we will be useless. Perhaps we will no longer be meant to search for the truth, but will be meant to show others the truth. In any case, it's still subjective. Nobody has to search for anything (perhaps they are the useless ones though).

 

[Darkdale]

I don't want to search. I like the simplicity. I don't like the distractions of searching for more... it detracts from the clarity; though I must admit, it seems to be instinctual nonetheless.

 

[Ormiston]

I don't want to search. I like the simplicity. I don't like the distractions of searching for more... it detracts from the clarity; though I must admit, it seems to be instinctual nonetheless.

How about 'contentment' then?

 

[Darkdale]

How about 'contentment' then?

I've always looked at contentment as a virtue, like moderation, but I've never really experienced either. I think I just have a restless soul.

 

[Ormiston]

I've always looked at contentment as a virtue, like moderation, but I've never really experienced either. I think I just have a restless soul.

As do I. I grew up with a friend of mine who was the most content person I've ever met. Never spoke of ambitions, was very tight with his family, just never cared for what was to come. He's very successful now, and I'm still coping with problems like alcoholism and financial trouble. Go figure. I wouldn't switch with him though. I'm attached to my restless soul.

 

[Darkdale]

As do I. I grew up with a friend of mine who was the most content person I've ever met. Never spoke of ambitions, was very tight with his family, just never cared for what was to come. He's very successful now, and I'm still coping with problems like alcoholism and financial trouble. Go figure. I wouldn't switch with him though. I'm attached to my restless soul.

My family is filled with ambitious people and I've never really understood it. Hopefully I'll figure out something I like someday, but until then... I don't know... just keep working and hanging out.

Maybe one day I'll see something in life worth really going after, but society being what it is... lol I just don't see that happening.

 

[michel]

Hi Darkdale

I've always looked at contentment as a virtue, like moderation, but I've never really experienced either. I think I just have a restless soul.
My family is filled with ambitious people and I've never really understood it. Hopefully I'll figure out something I like someday, but until then... I don't know... just keep working and hanging out.

Maybe one day I'll see something in life worth really going after, but society being what it is... lol I just don't see that happening.

It is quite 'scary' - a lot of that resonates with me in my life; I have never had ambitions. I often feel like the only thing I have to offer the world is the care for my family, and keeping them safe. I actually 'need' very little for myself - like you, I have a 'restless soul' I feel as if I am always about 'to be called' for something special, but that never happens..........as I grow older and more disabled, I fear the idea that I won't be fit enough to do whatever it is I am supposed to do.

 

[Darkdale]

Hi Darkdale


It is quite 'scary' - a lot of that resonates with me in my life; I have never had ambitions. I often feel like the only thing I have to offer the world is the care for my family, and keeping them safe. I actually 'need' very little for myself - like you, I have a 'restless soul' I feel as if I am always about 'to be called' for something special, but that never happens..........as I grow older and more disabled, I fear the idea that I won't be fit enough to do whatever it is I am supposed to do.

Well, I suspect I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. I think what I have to do is to become comfortable with restlessness and content with just kind of chilling out through life. If it wasn't for the fact that I see ambitious people running around all day, it would never cross my mind that being unambitious was wrong. It's just, ambitious people are so gosh darn successful lol, and they have more "stuff" and can do more activities... but we are blessed, I think, because we both seem to be quite happy reading a book, sitting by a fire, watching the leaves change, listening to an album and enjoying time with our friends and families... so really, there is nothing "wrong" or "bad" about it. But we are still restless, because we see all this damn hustle and bustle, these people creating billion dollar corporations, starting militant religious groups and fighting the west or wacky geniuses playing poker for a living and it's like, "wow... that's amazingl". But honestly, as amazing as it is, I don't want to do it myself. I want to sit by a fire with a book and a beautiful woman and that's about it!

 

[michel]

Well, I suspect I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. I think what I have to do is to become comfortable with restlessness and content with just kind of chilling out through life. If it wasn't for the fact that I see ambitious people running around all day, it would never cross my mind that being unambitious was wrong. It's just, ambitious people are so gosh darn successful lol, and they have more "stuff" and can do more activities... but we are blessed, I think, because we both seem to be quite happy reading a book, sitting by a fire, watching the leaves change, listening to an album and enjoying time with our friends and families... so really, there is nothing "wrong" or "bad" about it. But we are still restless, because we see all this damn hustle and bustle, these people creating billion dollar corporations, starting militant religious groups and fighting the west or wacky geniuses playing poker for a living and it's like, "wow... that's amazingl". But honestly, as amazing as it is, I don't want to do it myself. I want to sit by a fire with a book and a beautiful woman and that's about it!

I'm not sure that the ambitious are successful though; oh, sure, some maybe so, but I doubt that the majority are.

I heard a man say once that most reasonably ambitious people in careers end up doing a job one level too difficult for them - beyond their capabilities, and end up drained, and unsuccessful. It makes sense, when you think about it, always wanting to reach that next rung up the ladder - you only know you are one rung too high when you are on that rung.

Billion Dollar corporations are often held up by massive mortgages and loans; I have some experience of seeing the full story from behind the banking desk..........I would never have wanted to be in some of my customer's shoes. Even though I made it as a manager of a small branch, luckilly that was only for a short time; I had skills that had long been dispensed with (because of centralization), and when the bank realized they had made all the legal guys redundant, I was pulled out of the main firing line. I was glad; the whole system was immoral.

I think once you can accept that 'importance' and 'status' are not everything, and accept that you can be happy as a simple 'cog' , life gets better.

I sit by the fire with a laptop and a beautiful woman.....