Being excluded from work social event's/networking

[AsianActivist]

So let me preface this by saying that I am a white-passing person in an East Asian country that is to say that I look kind of white but I'm not.

I work in a small company with about 80 people. Half of us are local's, the other 1/2 are expat's. Also by the way I don't fully consider myself an expat as I think an expat is someone who just arrived here whereas I've been here almost 7 years.

My Team Lead is a local hire. Besides my Team Lead, there is me, 2 local guys, a white girl, and a local Asian girl. Often the Team Lead invites everyone out but he will invite everyone BUT me to events. In this country networking is highly important and it's considered a good thing to spend time with your team members if you get invited but I never get invited. There is also a Instant Messaging group that has everyone except me, even though I've asked to join it they always say they will send me the link but never do. I've only gotten fake invites, once where they were going for beers for TL's birthday (can't drink due to medical issues) and another when they went to a BBQ joint and TL knows I'm vegan, another when they were going for Indian food and they know I don't like spicy stuff. I've suggested non-food things like comedy clubs, escape rooms, movie night, and so on but TL always says "I'll get back to you" and then ignores me.

I talked to HR about it and they refuse to do anything and said they can't force my TL to go to a comedy club or escape room. Yet I feel that the lack of networking could be detrimental even if I don't continue working here because again they often go there to network. I have a reason to believe it's based on a combination of race and gender yet nobody will see it that way.

Anybody been in this situation? What would you do?

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

You know, you can go to a bar or whatever and not drink alcohol.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

So let me preface this by saying that I am a white-passing person in an East Asian country that is to say that I look kind of white but I'm not.

I work in a small company with about 80 people. Half of us are local's, the other 1/2 are expat's. Also by the way I don't fully consider myself an expat as I think an expat is someone who just arrived here whereas I've been here almost 7 years.

My Team Lead is a local hire. Besides my Team Lead, there is me, 2 local guys, a white girl, and a local Asian girl. Often the Team Lead invites everyone out but he will invite everyone BUT me to events. In this country networking is highly important and it's considered a good thing to spend time with your team members if you get invited but I never get invited. There is also a Instant Messaging group that has everyone except me, even though I've asked to join it they always say they will send me the link but never do. I've only gotten fake invites, once where they were going for beers for TL's birthday (can't drink due to medical issues) and another when they went to a BBQ joint and TL knows I'm vegan, another when they were going for Indian food and they know I don't like spicy stuff. I've suggested non-food things like comedy clubs, escape rooms, movie night, and so on but TL always says "I'll get back to you" and then ignores me.

I talked to HR about it and they refuse to do anything and said they can't force my TL to go to a comedy club or escape room. Yet I feel that the lack of networking could be detrimental even if I don't continue working here because again they often go there to network. I have a reason to believe it's based on a combination of race and gender yet nobody will see it that way.

Anybody been in this situation? What would you do?

It's hard to tell if they are truly neglecting you or if it's only your perception based on this post alone. I'm inclined to think that the invites they did give you were genuine, but you were limited from going. Like Saint Frankenstein said, you can go to a bar without drinking. I also would assume Indian restaurants would have less spicy choices, and maybe there would be food suitable for your diet at a BBQ or you could just eat beforehand and go only for the social aspect.

On the other hand you were not invited to the Instant Messaging group, and it sounds like sometimes the Lead hosts events that he doesn't invite you to. One thing I can think of is: you might have gotten off on the wrong foot with them by being choosy with their past invitations (assuming those two things happened since you denied the requests to BBQ/bar/Indian food). So, I guess it's important to ask, which happened first?

One place that you could look into for a start is your relationship with them at the workplace, if it isn't so good there then I think making the relationship better there would make them more likely to include you in these events.

 

[EinGeheimkonto]

I thought in a previous post you claimed that you were Chinese? Now you're claiming to be white? In any case, my guess is that since you already rejected them a number of times, they probably just gave up on inviting you - and not necessarily because of your ethnicity. I had a colleague who had several food allergies and was a picky eater to boot. We stopped inviting him to dinner events because most of the time he'd just say no, or on the event that he said yes, there'd be nothing that he could eat.

On another note, I've lived in many cities around the world including Asian ones. In one Asian city, I noticed that the expats at the company where I worked had their own de-facto union (it was an Employee Resource Group) but in practice they had collective bargaining. They hosted events all the time to which basically none of the locals were invited. So it cuts both ways.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I had a colleague who had several food allergies and was a picky eater to boot. We stopped inviting him to dinner events because most of the time he'd just say no, or on the event that he said yes, there'd be nothing that he could eat.

Yup, the food thing is pretty much on them as you choose to be a vegan knowing that it's a difficult and highly restrictive diet. Also, not all Indian food is spicy. I'm not saying that the coworkers are without fault but OP isn't really making it easy. Eating and drinking are the go-to activities for coworkers to partake in outside of work, because they're ultimately about relaxing. Going to a movie or escape room? Not so much.

 

[AsianActivist]

I thought in a previous post you claimed that you were Chinese? Now you're claiming to be white?

I'm half Chinese and half white-passing. Most people here just assume I'm an ordinary white guy. Not that it should matter. Your comment sounds very gate-keepy, the same kind of tone that many evil, bigoted totalitarians through history have used to dictate who belongs and who doesn’t. It’s infuriating how people cling to these rigid ideas of identity as if you can only be one thing. Why does it matter if my skin tone doesn’t fit your stereotype? Asia is a big continent, Asians are white, Black, and Brown & every shade in between, in addition to being "yellow". My experiences, my heritage, and my struggles are just as valid, regardless of how I look.

In any case, my guess is that since you already rejected them a number of times, they probably just gave up on inviting you - and not necessarily because of your ethnicity.

On another note, I've lived in many cities around the world including Asian ones. In one Asian city, I noticed that the expats at the company where I worked had their own de-facto union (it was an Employee Resource Group) but in practice they had collective bargaining. They hosted events all the time to which basically none of the locals were invited. So it cuts both ways.

Seems very much like a gas-lighting tactic. If you read my post there is an Instant Messaging group that everybody BUT me was invited to.

On another note, I've lived in many cities around the world including Asian ones. In one Asian city, I noticed that the expats at the company where I worked had their own de-facto union (it was an Employee Resource Group) but in practice they had collective bargaining. They hosted events all the time to which basically none of the locals were invited. So it cuts both ways.

This is completely different. A manager inviting everybody but one person is different than a collective group of private individuals not inviting people from outside the group. Employee Resource Groups are supposed to work for the group rights of minorities who work at a company, in this case, non-Asian people. They don't have to invite anyone as they are a private group whereas if you're a manager ostensibly acting as a representative of the company it's not right to exclude someone.

When a manager excludes someone for any reason, it sends a message that not only is that individual unworthy of inclusion, but also that the company condones this kind of behavior. It’s a failure of leadership to foster an environment of respect and collaboration. Managers should be setting the tone for inclusivity, not excluding people. On the other hand you have an ERG which exists for the exact reason of promoting diversity through allowing minorities a voice. They are not the same.

 

[Wu Wei]

What East Asian Country? it make a difference

You say they invite everyone else, does that include the 2 local guys, the white girl, and the local Asian girl?

You already put restrictions on this by the way, no drinking and no spicy food...

 

[AsianActivist]

What East Asian Country? it make a difference

It's China. Shanghai to be exact.

 

[Wu Wei]

It's China. Shanghai to be exact.

ok what about this question

You say they invite everyone else, does that include the 2 local guys, the white girl, and the local Asian girl?

and are you fluent in at least Mandarin?

 

[AsianActivist]

ok what about this question

You say they invite everyone else, does that include the 2 local guys, the white girl, and the local Asian girl?

and are you fluent in at least Mandarin?

Yes, it basically includes the 4 other people and my immediate supervisor (the team leader).

Also I mentioned that I suggested we go to an escape room/comedy club/watch a movie. They've done some of those things since I've suggested them.

No I'm not fluent in Mandarin I know a little bit but being fluent in Mandarin isn't required to work with my current employer as it's an international company. The white girl isn't really fluent either and her English also isn't great as it's not her first language, so language isn't the issue here.

 

[EinGeheimkonto]

Yup, the food thing is pretty much on them as you choose to be a vegan knowing that it's a difficult and highly restrictive diet. Also, not all Indian food is spicy. I'm not saying that the coworkers are without fault but OP isn't really making it easy. Eating and drinking are the go-to activities for coworkers to partake in outside of work, because they're ultimately about relaxing. Going to a movie or escape room? Not so much.

If it's Indian food, most Indian restaurants around the world have vegetarian/vegan options since India is a Hindu country. Also, there are plenty of non-spicy Indian dishes like you said.

I've been working both corporate (internationally) and public sector jobs (in the states) and 9/10 times our get-togethers are food/drink related. I also don't drink myself but I just about every bar I've been to these days has a mocktail section. Even in pre-pandemic days when I lived in Japan where there's a big after-work drinking culture, I just would just be up front and about it and get a non-alcoholic beverage. Most of the time nobody would care.

For the record, I've also lived in Shanghai as an expat (who happens to be half-Chinese and half-Mexican), and I didn't have trouble making friends with local people or my immediate work group. It was in fact the other American and Western expats who seemingly held a grudge against me and excluded me from their events, even though my only citizenship was- and still is - American.

 

[Nakosis]

So let me preface this by saying that I am a white-passing person in an East Asian country that is to say that I look kind of white but I'm not.

I work in a small company with about 80 people. Half of us are local's, the other 1/2 are expat's. Also by the way I don't fully consider myself an expat as I think an expat is someone who just arrived here whereas I've been here almost 7 years.

My Team Lead is a local hire. Besides my Team Lead, there is me, 2 local guys, a white girl, and a local Asian girl. Often the Team Lead invites everyone out but he will invite everyone BUT me to events. In this country networking is highly important and it's considered a good thing to spend time with your team members if you get invited but I never get invited. There is also a Instant Messaging group that has everyone except me, even though I've asked to join it they always say they will send me the link but never do. I've only gotten fake invites, once where they were going for beers for TL's birthday (can't drink due to medical issues) and another when they went to a BBQ joint and TL knows I'm vegan, another when they were going for Indian food and they know I don't like spicy stuff. I've suggested non-food things like comedy clubs, escape rooms, movie night, and so on but TL always says "I'll get back to you" and then ignores me.

I talked to HR about it and they refuse to do anything and said they can't force my TL to go to a comedy club or escape room. Yet I feel that the lack of networking could be detrimental even if I don't continue working here because again they often go there to network. I have a reason to believe it's based on a combination of race and gender yet nobody will see it that way.

Anybody been in this situation? What would you do?

People bond over their commonalities. Food and drink are the easiest to socialize over. You have to find what you have in common with your team mates to bond over. It should be the job of a good TL to find ways to bond the team together. Maybe food and drink are their normal tactics, which hasn't worked in your case.

Perhaps your TL either doesn't know how to or doesn't care. So far, it looks like you won't be able to depend on them for this. You may be left on your own to find ways to bond. This means you'll need to find out what you have in common with each of your team mates and find ways to strengthen those common bonds.

 

[Koldo]

So let me preface this by saying that I am a white-passing person in an East Asian country that is to say that I look kind of white but I'm not.

I work in a small company with about 80 people. Half of us are local's, the other 1/2 are expat's. Also by the way I don't fully consider myself an expat as I think an expat is someone who just arrived here whereas I've been here almost 7 years.

My Team Lead is a local hire. Besides my Team Lead, there is me, 2 local guys, a white girl, and a local Asian girl. Often the Team Lead invites everyone out but he will invite everyone BUT me to events. In this country networking is highly important and it's considered a good thing to spend time with your team members if you get invited but I never get invited. There is also a Instant Messaging group that has everyone except me, even though I've asked to join it they always say they will send me the link but never do. I've only gotten fake invites, once where they were going for beers for TL's birthday (can't drink due to medical issues) and another when they went to a BBQ joint and TL knows I'm vegan, another when they were going for Indian food and they know I don't like spicy stuff. I've suggested non-food things like comedy clubs, escape rooms, movie night, and so on but TL always says "I'll get back to you" and then ignores me.

I talked to HR about it and they refuse to do anything and said they can't force my TL to go to a comedy club or escape room. Yet I feel that the lack of networking could be detrimental even if I don't continue working here because again they often go there to network. I have a reason to believe it's based on a combination of race and gender yet nobody will see it that way.

Anybody been in this situation? What would you do?

Hmm...
Can I be really really sincere with you? I am not going to cut any slack.
If not, ignore the rest of my post. If yes, check the spoilers.

Spoiler

You come across as being insufferable. That's the top 1 reason as to why you would be excluded from those activities. Not to mention you have made, given your post, a grand total of zero effort to join the group when the opportunities showed up. They invite you to a BBQ? Eat the salad. Indian food? There are non-spicy alternatives. Getting some beer? Order a non-alcoholic drink. Maybe, just maybe, once they get to know you better, it is going a lot easier to get them to do the things you want.

 

[Wu Wei]

Yes, it basically includes the 4 other people and my immediate supervisor (the team leader).

Also I mentioned that I suggested we go to an escape room/comedy club/watch a movie. They've done some of those things since I've suggested them.

No I'm not fluent in Mandarin I know a little bit but being fluent in Mandarin isn't required to work with my current employer as it's an international company. The white girl isn't really fluent either and her English also isn't great as it's not her first language, so language isn't the issue here.

Could it be something you did, or an attitude you project?

 

[Alien826]

Yes, it basically includes the 4 other people and my immediate supervisor (the team leader).

Also I mentioned that I suggested we go to an escape room/comedy club/watch a movie. They've done some of those things since I've suggested them.

No I'm not fluent in Mandarin I know a little bit but being fluent in Mandarin isn't required to work with my current employer as it's an international company. The white girl isn't really fluent either and her English also isn't great as it's not her first language, so language isn't the issue here.

I suggest that you ask the TL to lunch or some place where you can talk privately. NOT his office as he will be constrained in what he says. Tell him that you feel excluded and explain why and ask him to explain. If he tries to say it's all in your imagination, repeat your examples and press him for an answer, emphasizing that you want to know regardless of whether the answer is critical of you. Hopefully you will get an honest answer to why you are being excluded and give you a chance to change your behavior if that's the problem.

 

[EinGeheimkonto]

Could it be something you did, or an attitude you project?

I'd honestly be willing to bet dollars to donuts this is the reason. The fact that there is another white person who gets brought along is proof it's likely not about race.

In general Asian people are pretty polite and forgiving when it comes to "foreigners" not understanding social norms. Also if the other people wanted you there, they would invite you. My colleagues did this when there was a guy that the boss didn't like; some people invited him anyways and since other people wanted him there the boss couldn't really say anything without looking like a jerk.

So, my guess is that OP might really rub others in the group the wrong way.