Butterfly Inn

[Heneni]

I use to have a journal on another forum which has now been closed down. So i figured I could start journaling here.

I consider my life as a kind of metamorphosis.

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Went to a work function tonight. Met two lovely women called vanessa and sheryl. All three of us have been visitors at heartbreak hotel. Sheryl who is 52 married a dictator, divorced him after many years of abuse. Vanessa married a man who likes to flirt. Im sure he flirted with me tonight as well. Their marriage went through a bad patch, but they are back together.

We talked about so many things. Religion was mostly the topic. I came home tonight with my spirits lifted.

Sheryl wants to help the elderly and i told her to sign me up. We want to go to old age homes and care for the elderly in simple ways. Weelchair them to a phone, go to the shop for them, comb their hair, give them foot massages and/or read for them if their eye sight has deteriorated without being able to afford new specs.

The food was nice. I parked close to the entrance in order to make a quick getaway if i wanted to. Dont like work functions to much. I ended up staying till ten o clock.

Tomorrow i have to hand in my plannning for next year. Have done the budget. Dont think ill be around to use the money though.

Vanessa's husband is a pastor. He offered to get me something to drink. I said, anything with alcohol.

A distant friend wants to buy my volkswagen beetle....i dont want to part with it, but i might have to if herbie gives me more trouble.

The doggies are sleeping safe and sound here next to me. They awake when they hear the fridge door. *Killing me softly* is playing on the radio.

Need to go to simon tomorrow to deliver his weekly newspapers. Simon is a black zimbabwean, who helps me when my car gives me trouble. I met him quite by chance. I was walking to the store when i noticed a sign 'car repairs'. I was met by a young man with ski-pants on, and he ushered me to the back of the repair shop, where i met simon. I bought him some KFC the other night. Its amazing how thanful people who are use to little can be.

Heneni

 

[3.14]

good luck

 

[Heneni]

Things were rather quite at work today.

And it rained buckets ! Yippie! Its overcast just the way i like it.

After work i went to the video shop and got myself five videos, after which i went to the library and got myself 8 books.

Just going to laze about this weekend and do absolutely nothing i dont want to.

So while i was at the library i noticed a book titled 'Italian in twenty lessons'. Yeah right. One lesson will take twenty days at least. I figure the first thing i need to learn how to say in italian is...'is your wife italian?'

Here goes....E italiana sua moglie? :flirt:

Thats rich coming from a whore HE HE...It seems Panda, whom i observed in a kilt today....noticed i became a frubal whore, thanks to willemena who pushed me into whoredom. Its a miracle! The kilt i mean.

I think ill start with one of the other books....Great cases of scotland yard.

I couldnt resist taking out for the third time...two of my favourite books regarding queens.

The one is called 'grandmama of europe' which gives an in detail expose on all the Queens of europe from the ancetral line of queen vicotria (1819-1901), the other is called 'Queens of Britain'.

Also took out a book on bodylanguage and the history of Israel.

After the library i popped in at the local supermarket and bought some gerkins. You know...named after the famous gerkin looking building in London..or is that the other way around? Its the other way around. And a bottle of wine.

I thought i lost my cell phone today...at least i didnt put it on the car roof and drove off with it still there. Not this time. I found it thankfully.

 

[Heneni]

Note to self....

Reduce RF time considerably!

and get mosquito repellent before they carry you away alive!

I have been thinking about my mother. What a beautiful women she was. I actually understand my mother better as i get older. I understand her struggles better, they have in a way become my own.

The last time i was at her grave i promised her that i would be strong for both of us. That i would amend the wrongs of the past, and make sure that my generation overcome the difficulties that seemed to bog down hers.

I really only got to know her well, three years before she died. One of those years i spent in the UK. I remember being in the bath, and feeling very concerned about her. I prayed 'dear god, have mercy on my mother, and protect her, and look after her'.

The next evening i got an email....my mother had died. Our last words were pleasant. Im gratefull for that. I knew that my prayer had been answered, and that my mother is safe, and protected, and in the safekeeping of the almighty. I prayed that god ease her suffering, and so he did.

The other day i was in the hardware store, and when i turned around i saw what looked like my father. I wanted to rush to him and say 'HI DAD!'

That actually surprised me....it proved to me, that i had forgiven my father. And that by god grace and mercy i have let that hurt go.

I have so much to be thankfull for. So much goodness in my life. I have little, that is good. I have love, i want more.

I really have been thinking about a real big change in my life. I really feel like packing up and hitting the road into the unknown. With me and my god and my suitcase. But where shall we go? What do i hope to find? I dont actually know. But it beckons me. Calls to me to move forward. I think that this feeling i have is because god is really moving me on. I dont know where, and its not necessarily a physical move, but its probably a spiritual move. Everyday i hope for his return.

I have always thought that i wont live long. I dont imagine myself growing old. Yes it sounds terribly morbit, but i cried the day i was born, and everyday shows why. I know that i am fallen ruins and i sense my saviour beckoning me upward.

I have searched everywhere i could for the knowledge and wisdom that i need to walk my path. I have found them many, and when ive lived them they lead me back to me. Here within my body dwells the living god, here within me, i can find him. Yet still i long to see him, and I long to see beauty and experience peace. I dont deserve anything good, yet its bestowed on me lavishly without restraint. I am blessed beyond what my imagination could conceive, yet im stricken down and tired. Who will save me from this wrethced body of mine. The instrument of death? Jesus will.

I long for my glorified body. I long to return home.

Its my prayer that when i see my lord, he will say...well done they good and faithfull servant. I dont presume to think that i please him, i dont even consider the possiblity, but i know that it pleased him to choose me, and though i dont understand it, it humbles me greatly and inspires me to love.

I have no comparison for his love. I cannot even compare it to anything i have ever humanly experienced. I cannot reduce such a love to a mere image. I cannot even completely comprehend this love, its so great and awesome that my frail humanity can barely process it. My heart alone tells me the truth of his love, and my heart alone can make me reach out to him.

Because he loves me...i live. Because he loves me, i have wings, i have hope and i have grace.

This metamorphasis is long due...and i have been many butterflies, but this one will fly away into eternity and be re-united with the love of her life. The saviour of her soul. The great almighty king. I am frail. I am a flower in a hurricane, Im a flickering candle in a mighty wind. Still im his. And safe. In this world i am of no use. I cannot play the pipe well enough for them to dance.

Yet i am the beloved, and his desire is for me to be happy, and i have no happiness outside of him. I have found no treasures but in his hand. I have found no love, but in his heart.

The world incubates luscious words of wisdom, its sweet when you read it, and when you hear it, but when you eat (live) it, it turns bitter in your stomach.

I am the vine you are the branches. All a branch does is hang. HE HE...I love to hang around with god. He's my best friend, hes my food, and who doesnt like a good meal? That reminds me....im hungry. But its too late to eat. And i need to wash my hair, and paint my nails for tomorrow. The doggies are happy, they are asleep. The music is on. Life is good.

Heneni

 

[Heneni]

English is such a beautiful language. Been reading the book 'The grandmama of Europe'.

During the golden jubilee of queen victoria, the book uses luscious language to describe what the men and women were dressed like during the historic event.

'The men were luxuriantly bewhiskered, superbly uniformed and dazzlingly bemedalled. The women were eleborately coiffured, tightly corseted and generously bustled.'

They have such a way with words....

I found this. A rather different take on pious words. These words dont exist of course they were made up. I particularly find the word beezelbug funny.

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

3. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

4. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

6. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

11. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

12. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

13. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The direct descendants of Queen Victoria occupy, or have occupied, ten European thrones. Quite impressive. I watched the movie 'The Queen' tonight. Very good movie in my opinion. The movie focusses on the queen and her handling of the rather delicate situation of Diana's death. It is an emotionally honest movie, and leaves you feeling compassion not only for Diana, but also for the Queen.

 

[Heneni]

Its the weekend! WHOOWOOO!

This weekend i need to do some spring cleaning. Starting with my clothes and getting rid of clutter.

Been reading the great cases of scotland yard. The first story is about Thomas Neill Cream, the poisoner.

He posed as a doctor and roamed around the 'nymphs of the pavement', looking for his prey very near to scotland yard during 1891. He came over from north america and docked at liverpool. He spend his last ten years in jail in america. His father died while in prison and left him a considerable inheritance.

He poisoned his victims by giving them with strychnine in the form of capsules. He would stop his victim in the street and offer them a drink laced with the poison, or if he met them and they had a slight cough or a skin condition, he would offer them medicine. Since he liked to roam the pavements he found many prostitutes whom he murdered. The thrill was in reading about it in the newspapers, and everytime he would hear about what he did, and when people talked about it, it would send his mind into a sort of ethopia where he would get great satisfaction from the description of the final hours of the victim.

Usually the poison would take a while to start working. When it did, the body would go into spasms, and the back would arch involentarily. The screams from the victims would be nervewrecking. They would sweat and become nearly 'white' in appearance. At intervals the body would relax, only to be thrown into convulsions spasmodically.

He chose his victims wisely. One of his victims were incorrectly treated for alcohol poisoning by another doctor, and seeing the opportunity he poisoned her so that there would be no suspicion on him. Her death was put down due to respiratory failure after the supposed alcohol poisoning.

He was, like most serial killers able to blend in. He was tall, smartly dressed altoghether very gentlemenly.

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My friend brought me some mango's. Yummy.

Because i live in south africa, our power switches off well....randomly.

Today at just after 12 in the afternoon, there was a power failure in our area. Five hours later the power came back on. All the while i could not get the car back into the yard, because, the electric gate wouldnt work.

I guess its not as bad as whats been happening to the people in the inner city of gauteng. (previously Johannesburg) They have been without power for five days.

An underground electric fire have caused serious damage and to make it worse, while the engineers were repairing the problem, the copper thiefs went into action and stole some of the wire! HE HE HE...only in africa.

Copper can sell for a LOT on the black market. In fact it is so popular that if you have a lock on your gate made of anything but plastic (useless plastic), it will be removed for the sake of selling the metal! HA HA......oh dear. If there ever was a tap outside, its propably been removed and sold as well. I know they have been removed from the outer buildings where i work. These metal thieves are
ruthless.

We have been having a lot of rain. I love the rain.

The financial commitee at work wants me to give them a project plan for an idea i have for next year. Thats nice. My boss cant be too pleased. She would rather I curl up and die, not get the opportunity to run a project. Im sure she wont make it easy for me either way.

Its all good. I'll give them the detailed plan, but i suspect i wont be around to implement it.

On a local radio show here in south africa, they have a competition on where contestants can win tickets. They call it 'lick it for a ticket'. The contestants have to lick all sorts of REALLY terrible stuff in order to get a ticket to the Maroon 5 concert this weekend. Everyday this week various contestants licked stuff from, used socks, rotten onions, used boxing gloves, used underpants, used nasalspray dispensers....ewwww....


I have found some really cool digital art. Im trying 'purple power' for my avatar this weekend.

I have been thinking about what direction i should go in next. The UK has been and I think always will be my home. Its where my heart is.

Perhaps the spring cleaning and the desire to pack my suitcase as light as possilbe has something to do with each other.

I know that we are not suppose to run away from difficulty. But i think there comes a point where the difficulty becomes so boring, that it no longer serves it purpose. There will be difficulty everywhere. No matter where i go there will be challenges. Perhaps im just looking forward to new ones. Or maybe ive had so much of it, that im paralyzed into non-action. Ive become familiar with my current troubles. Its put me in some sort of comfort zone. Youd think id run as fast as my legs can carry me from it, but instead, it has become a sort of comfort zone. Hmmm....how easy it is to become addicted.

 

[Heneni]

Hurricane tasmanian devil has hit my dwelling place. Its just papers and clothes and baggage everywhere. Sorted my office out. Well i put the papers away and a pile of papers i need to throw out is all around my feet.

The chicken was nice. When it finally cooked. Another power cut took place right in the middle of the cooking process. We are living back in the dark ages. HE HE...

I looked like the cave women with my drumstick in hand.

I think ill open that bottle of wine now.

On saturday nights the local radio station plays 94 hits in a row. Its really cool, its not stop and the songs are mixed together in a really professional way. You just need a few friends, move the furniture out of the way, and you have a party DJ. I hope the neighbours dont think im evil for the noise.

Have also managed to get my xmas cards sorted. Need to post them monday. The postal system is in dissarray. Early bird gets their post there in time.

 

[Heneni]

Have managed to sort clothes out. That which i'm keeping for winter, fits nicely into one suitcase.

As per request from the financial commitee i have done my project proposal.

Have rented a few videos again. Will entertain myself with them tonight.

Have washed the dishes, done the laundry and now all thats left is to wash the kitchen floor, and finish the bottle of wine.

Need to pop into the local supermarket quickly. Its 6:14 pm here. its still light outside. Its such a beautiful day. I love Cumulonimbus clouds, they look like fluffy balls of cotton. I live near the airport and the planes come over every 7 minutes....like clockwork. Some take off, some land.

Bugs are buzzing outside, the radio is playing softly in the background. This is a beautiful moment. Looking out my window, im amazed at creation.

Ive been waiting my whole life for my dreams to turn into something i can believe in....words from a song on the radio, dont know who.

 

[Heneni]

I watched....

Carla and Connie last night. A story about two women who pretend to be drag queens to escape death. Funny.

The patriot...which i skipped over most of it. I have seen it before, and it didnt quite grab my attention again.

I have to renew my library books.

My boss chased me out of her office today.

She was standing at the door pointing her finger down the corridor, and told me to get out.

I lingered around for a few seconds, i contemplated sitting down instead, but i had work to do.

When i talked to her i called her by her name, she told me she wants me to call her MRS. I said that is fine, id like her to call me by my name. She said she wont she wants to keep things professional.

Yehh...ok. Here is professional for you...

She had been sitting with a report for two weeks. And now the report has to be posted to head office, yet there is one signature missing from the report, and that person is not here this week. She is trying to pin this bloob on me. I wrote a letter explaining why there isnt a signature on the report, and she basically had a fit. The letter stated that she had the report for two weeks and should have done something about it, before the last day. She had another fit.

Hence the little tif in her office.

One thing i shouldnt have said though ...when she said call me MRS...i said....'if it will make you feel more important'

She asked me to leave twice before she finally jumped up heading for the door and pointed the finger.

I said...are you chasing me out like a child...

She said...if you wanna behave like one... and I said

as i was leaving.....'im not the one acting like a child here'

Five minutes later...the bosses boss was around...you can imagine what im in for next......

It gives her great pleasure to see me grovel and beg for her mercy. Perhaps ill do that again this week. Who knows.

 

[Heneni]

Truth be told afterwards i felt liberated. Little old me, had the boss all up in arms...at the door...loosing her cool..and making an indiot of herself.

I am going to congratulate myself for about a day, and next time, i will try to stand my ground without the emotion.

We are rarely in each others pressence alone, so today was really confrontational.

I just wish she'd get the dagger in and get it over with, im tired being her punching bag. Cant she just get me fired for pete's sake! What must i do?

Physically assault her?

She knows that unless she makes life terribly difficult for me know, she has lost significant ground. If she doesnt get me fired today or by the end of this week or month, she's going to look like a looser. All puffed up and no real support.

Ah well...all i want is peace. Peace peace peace.:thud:

 

[Heneni]

God spoke to me yesterday. Its always sort of uncomfortable yet liberating when he does. He doesnt tell me what i want to hear, but rather what i need to hear.

Im going to think long and hard about what he said. When god speaks, you can live on his words for months.

But i have hope. God is working on me. Thats a relief, but its usually the same as open heart surgery. But his words are life. And i need to live by them. His words came just in time as well. I was ready to quite self-control, and get my own version of justice.

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Bought an indian pear today. We dont often get foreign fruits here in this area.

Lionel Richie is 'live' in south africa. The people were singing along at his concerts to such an extent, he could hardly be heard. At one point, he asked the audience...'you do want me to sing this song dont you?' He said on the radio, that he was hoping it would be a sort of karaoke concert.

South african crowds are just of the charts when celebrities come here and do concerts.

Lionel Richie said we are the friendliest bunch of people in the world.

Cool...that is appart from those who are not friendly. We have one of the highest crime rates in the world. :run:

94 hits in a row on the radio again. Fabulous stuff!

 

[Heneni]

I ate the Indian pear today. What a strange texture it has! Its juicy and crispy. Odd. More like the texture of an apple. Not really sweet.

My boss was up to old tricks again today. She called in the artillery. I want to be cremated thanks.

HE HE….i don’t have to watch TV, (I don’t have one), I can only go to work for my daily….DAYS OF OUR LIVES….I remained calm. She thought she humiliated me today, but she just appeared terribly unprofessional.

Watched the movie ‘Lady in the Water’. Not my cup of tea

Watched ‘Failure to Launch’….cliche upon cliché

Watched ‘Mean Creek’ …..that makes you think a little.

Watched ‘notes on a scandal’…..good story line, emotionally truthful.

Then…there was ONE really good thing that happened today. I found a place where I can live in the UK. That means that if I get all the other ducks in a row, I can get my application in for a visa. A good friend of my deceased mother has offered to put me up for a while, until I can get more settled. There is still tons more to do…but that was the biggest hiccup. But…that hick-up has sorted itself out miraculously.


Oh merry men!


These ducks HAVE to march now!

Have to do ooooohhh thousands of things!

Application HAS to be in before the end of this year. I have a sneaky suspicion, those immigration rules are going to change again! They usually do, just before I apply. HA HA..Hopefully I can be one step ahead this time.


Wake up….. little suzie…wake up! DO DOO DO DOO DO DOO…..


Heneni

 

[Heneni]

I tried to send a moneygram to the UK today. What is suppose to be quick and easy turned out to be a two hour nightmare.

*insert 'clean' swear word*:rainbow1:

Next, i have to get to home office and get my passport renewed. I was suppose to do that ages ago. In the morning before the doors open the cue is halfway around the block.. *Will save next swear word for the day i go*

Its weekend. 'Its raining men, halleluja'.......

Time to boogie, and frustrate the neighbours. Im being terribly christian today.

Changed my avatar, its a bit risky for a christian women to have such an avatar. Behold...'its sexy'..is nowhere to be found in scripture, so im on my own here.

Its a weekend thing....and well...i like her tatoo! Maybe i should put a black stripe over her headlights....NAAAA.

Heneni

 

[Heneni]

A christian is required to believe. What that means is hardly something anybody can put their finger on exactly. In the born again scenario, i sometimes wonder if I wasnt born breech.

Because we are creatures of the flesh, we loose patience with anything that does not manifest itself on our terms. One can easily find oneself in no mans land when trying to pull god down to our world.

For anyone looking for a 'sign', the dissapointment of god not manifesting himself in the way our preconcieved mind wants him too, is huge. Possibly fatal.

But god, unlike in the OT, where he frequently manifested his power on this earth, must have realised soon enough, that no amount of manna from the sky, coloumns of fire, or splitting of red seas, will bring anybody closer to him.

It seem that today, god has gone into hiding. No signs out there, at least for the most of us.

But gods desire is to pull us out of the physical and into the spiritual. Whereas some would want to pull him out of the spirtual world into the natural.

He desires that we 'come up higher'. He dwells in high places. And he who hides under the wings of the almighty, will find shelter. We must not try to pull god down to us. As long as we are trying to pull god down into the natural world, the frustration of not being able to move the rock, should perhaps be a clue that we should stop pulling, instead we are rather tempted to give up hope, that he is not there.

If we let god do the pulling, the drawing, we will find ourselves souring on the wings of eagles, and we will meet him on the spiritual mountaintops.

It is only with wonder, that we can grasp onto the god who pulls us higher. If we wont let go, and let him pull, we will never 'come up hither'.

The opposite of faith is not doubt. It is fear.And when tests and trails come our way, very often the fear of sinking, the fear off the storm, takes our eyes of him, and we start to sink.

God will stretch our relationship with him to the limits, probably to the point of breaking. But what does not kill us will make the relationship stronger.

There is no gaurentee in this life that we wont be facing these storms. And mostly what i have found the central theme of almost all lessons that god teaches me is this.... TRUST HIM.

Abraham on his way to sacrifice his son, Job scratching his boil under the sun, david hiding in a cave, elijah moping in the desert, moses pleading for a different job description, all these people decided to take the high road of trust. Whatever happens...they would trust god. Yes maybe wine a little, but still trust.

Some people base their trust on IF. Other base their trust on THOUGH.

If god will make me succeed...i will trust him.
If my sister gets healed ...i will believe
If im happy....ill know that god loves me.

But others have trust based on THOUGH.

Though evil prospers
Though I sweat in Getsemane
Though things around me fall to pieces
And as job says THOUGH he slay me

YET ....will I trust in him.

Heneni

 

[Heneni]

Have we gone mad?

Whenever somebody makes us feel like they want us to be like them, we boldly declare ...I am not the same as you! ( i am an individual)

When somebody makes us feel like they are about to take something away from us, or not give us what we want.....we say...im no different to you, im the same as you, and if you can have it so should i.

We are confused since we are not all the same when it suits us, yet we are no different when it suits as too.

Whatever we want, we think we deserve it.

Mankind...interesting race...what is so KIND about mankind?

 

[Heneni]

If knowing the answers to life's questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey. You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowables - of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensibles, and most of all, things unfair - Madame Guyon.

How do we know that we love god? What can we do to prove our love to him. I dont think that there is any particular 'work' that we can do, to prove our love for him. But perhaps this is proof...those we love, we credit for good things, and not try to blame them for bad.

Consider a spy operating behind enemy lines, who suddenly looses contact with his forces. He will start to wonder after a while, have they abandoned me, cut me off? However if he trusts his goverment he will always have hope. If that is what human trust can do, how much more can god be trusted?

A christian will have times in arid spiritual places. Where gods presence seems to have dissapeared.

I was at heathrow airport and just about to get on the plane, when god told me as clear as he could possilby do so without thundering down from heaven. He said..you have to learn to trust me again.

And ive come a long way. But im only a pilgrim on a journey. Not yet fully there, but willing to go the long haul with him. And this is love...that HE loves me.

The bible contains 365 references to 'fear not'. One for each day of the year? Fear not, little ones, for its the pleasure of god..to give you the kingdom. Our tears will be wiped away, our joy will never be removed.

There is no fear in love...for love drives out the though of punishment. The trails dont come because he does not love us, and we need not fear the trials. We must not think that the trails come because he does not love us. The trials come because he loves us. And what an opportunity to say, in the heat of the trial..... I love you lord. I dont blame you for my suffering, i dont hate you for my troubles. I can see nothing wrong in you.

There is only one happiness: to please Him. Only one sorrow, to be displeasing to Him.

I admire people who understand the simplicity of holiness. The utter abandonment of self, the freedom of being you, in the presence of the almighty god, yet with the assurance that you will not be consumed, but rather loved and cherished, and pushed, and challenged and tested, and proven to be as pure as gold. With humility...like forrest gump. Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you will get next. The lesson in that movie is profound. Our reasoning skills, our intellect will trip us up. If we just let life happen, and trust god...we too shall sit at the bustop of heaven, and regail others with our stories of hope and faith and victory.

Like a feather in the wind...we must be picked up and blown from the ground of security into the air of uncertanty. But never shall we fall or rise without him knowing. Without him being there. Without the wind of the spirit gently tugging on us.