Corporal Punishment

[Misty]

My paternal 'born again' grandmother constantly beat religion in her six children screaming, "Spare the rod and spoil the child!" My parents weren't so violent but one could expect a thrashing for stepping out of line. To be fair in my youth it was normal for parents, of all faiths and none to beat their kids, and it would have been unusual to have gone through childhood without corporal punishment. Similarly schools were permitted to cane children, and I have seen children beaten black and blue by our head teacher, just because he didn't like them!

I admit to smacking my children when they were small, not of course in a violent way. I think sitting children on the 'naughty stair' or removal of privileges better punishments, and what I use on my grandchildren if they misbehave.

Nowadays in the UK a parent is permitted to administer a mild slap to their child, but if they leave a mark they could well see themselves up in court. There have been several prosecutions. Corporal punishment of any kind is not permitted in any school, even grabbing hold of a pupil could be construed as a physical assault, which is a little over the top.

How do you discipline your children?

 

[Kathryn]

My children are now grown - and so far, so good as far as their lives go (the jury's still out on my 22 year old wild child, but he's young, single and childless, so he's got some wiggle room!).

I went with "Let the punishment fit the crime." What I mean is that if a child's wrong doing could be constructively corrected, that's what I went with. If they hit another child on the playground, the discipline was that they needed to apologize in person, and then we had a discussion about how that could have been handled better. If they didn't finish a homework assignment on time, the discipline would be to complete it anyway, turn it in, and do more research on the topic from home and possibly a report to be turned in to me (in other words, they'd actually learn the subject matter as well as the lesson that sometimes procrastination creates even more work!).

The goal of my discipline was always to do whatever possible to right the wrong (restitution) and to actually LEARN a moral principle in the process.

On occasion I spanked my kids but it was rare, and reserved for just outright defiance and disrespect. I am not a person who angers easily, and I am very much in control of my emotions. Never having been a person inclined toward physical violence, I never had a problem with lashing out physically at a child, and I never hit my children in anger.

I take that back - one time my daughter spit medicine right in my face, and I did pop her in the mouth when she did it! Not hard, and it certainly didn't injure her - but it got her attention, I think because she was so shocked (and so was I!). She immediately opened her mouth and drank the next spoonful of medicine with not a word but eyes as big as saucers.

I never did it again - and neither did she. The experience was unnerving to both of us.

 

[Misty]

My children are now grown - and so far, so good as far as their lives go (the jury's still out on my 22 year old wild child, but he's young, single and childless, so he's got some wiggle room!).

I went with "Let the punishment fit the crime." What I mean is that if a child's wrong doing could be constructively corrected, that's what I went with. If they hit another child on the playground, the discipline was that they needed to apologize in person, and then we had a discussion about how that could have been handled better. If they didn't finish a homework assignment on time, the discipline would be to complete it anyway, turn it in, and do more research on the topic from home and possibly a report to be turned in to me (in other words, they'd actually learn the subject matter as well as the lesson that sometimes procrastination creates even more work!).

The goal of my discipline was always to do whatever possible to right the wrong (restitution) and to actually LEARN a moral principle in the process.

On occasion I spanked my kids but it was rare, and reserved for just outright defiance and disrespect. I am not a person who angers easily, and I am very much in control of my emotions. Never having been a person inclined toward physical violence, I never had a problem with lashing out physically at a child, and I never hit my children in anger.

I take that back - one time my daughter spit medicine right in my face, and I did pop her in the mouth when she did it! Not hard, and it certainly didn't injure her - but it got her attention, I think because she was so shocked (and so was I!). She immediately opened her mouth and drank the next spoonful of medicine with not a word but eyes as big as saucers.

I never did it again - and neither did she. The experience was unnerving to both of us.

I remember our middle daughter doing that to me once when she was about five, I believe my hand made contact with her backside rather harder than usual!

 

[Wannabe Yogi]

My children are now grown - and so far, so good as far as their lives go (the jury's still out on my 22 year old wild child, but he's young, single and childless, so he's got some wiggle room!).

I always say don't judge the way the child turned out till they turn 30.

 

[Misty]

I always say don't judge the way the child turned out till they turn 30.

Using that criteria mine have turned out well!

 

[Zadok]

My paternal 'born again' grandmother constantly beat religion in her six children screaming, "Spare the rod and spoil the child!" My parents weren't so violent but one could expect a thrashing for stepping out of line. To be fair in my youth it was normal for parents, of all faiths and none to beat their kids, and it would have been unusual to have gone through childhood without corporal punishment. Similarly schools were permitted to cane children, and I have seen children beaten black and blue by our head teacher, just because he didn't like them!

I admit to smacking my children when they were small, not of course in a violent way. I think sitting children on the 'naughty stair' or removal of privileges better punishments, and what I use on my grandchildren if they misbehave.

Nowadays in the UK a parent is permitted to administer a mild slap to their child, but if they leave a mark they could well see themselves up in court. There have been several prosecutions. Corporal punishment of any kind is not permitted in any school, even grabbing hold of a pupil could be construed as a physical assault, which is a little over the top.

How do you discipline your children?

I believe a person must discipline themselves before they can effectively help others learn discipline their selves. It is always foolish to expect others to learn discipline from you when you are unwilling to so discipline yourself. My parents were clear that I would never be punished for trying to do what they do – but anything I took upon myself I must be willing to suffer or pay whatever consequence.

If I wanted something it was expected that I would figure the means to acquire it honestly. Even though my father was wealthy I was expected to earn my own money when I reached 8 years old and purchase my own things – such as school clothes. He wanted me to be thankful for anything given to me.

Such attitudes are harder to instill in today’s society when such is almost considered abusive. It would appear that society is does not value this kind of parenting

Zadok

 

[ChristineES]

My daughter, when she was about 18 months old started biting me. This is California, so I couldn't well bite her back (my mother's suggestion). I used to put her in her high chair each time she bit, and after a couple weeks she stopped biting. It was tiring, but it did work in the long run.

 

[Eliot Wild]

I must qualify my response at the outset. I do not have children and could think of fewer more horrible states in which to place a child than to give them up to my care and custody. As a matter of fact, left in my protection, house plants routinely die.

However, that being said, I don't see how physical punishment is ever a necessary mechanism of influence to guide a child's development.

Of course, with that being said, I am arguably the absolute worst influence in the lives of my neices and nephews. So it goes.

 

[Smoke]

From what I can tell, there's not that much difference between training humans and training dogs, and hitting is rarely the best approach in either case.

 

[Aqualung]

I don't have children, but my parents always used really rational punishments. "Clean your room!" "Waaaah, but I don't wanna." "Well, in that case, I guess I'll just never come into your room to give you a good night kiss or play any games with you."

"Do your homework!" "But I don't wanna!" "Well in that case, I guess we won't be going to see that movie tomorrow night. Homework is more important than movies, so if the homework isn't done we won't be able to go out."

That's how I hope I'll be. I hope I will never ever have a situation in which I'm asking my child to do something and the only response I can give as to why is "Because I said so" or "because I'll spank you if you don't".

 

[ChristineES]

I hate to admit it but sometimes I get tired of explaining to my kids why they need to do things over and over so much that I will finally just say "because I said so". Not the best approach, but parents are human, too.

 

[Zadok]

From what I can tell, there's not that much difference between training humans and training dogs, and hitting is rarely the best approach in either case.

In a way you are right. However, just like there are many different personalities in dogs so also are there different types of humans. As a youth I worked in a dog kennel and there were some dogs that required physical handling in their training. These were usually known as the alpha males. If a puppy snapped, growled or challenged authority non physical responses usually were ineffective.

Dogs are social animals and if one watches how dogs are treated by dominant dogs within their society you can understand their instincts better.

But then people are not dogs. Yet each person has different personalities and often the learning process of children can vary drastically. What worked in one family for some children will seldom work in all families for all children. My wife and I raised 5 children. The main thing I learned is that there were no methods that worked the same for all my children. Seldom would a method that worked continue to work for very long, especially with my more challenging children.


Those parents that eliminate vast method types before assessing the needs and personalities of their children are as effective as they could be. Perhaps the most important aspect in my mind is engaging a plan and assessing its effectiveness rather than trying to think up or respond on the spot – especially if something being tried is not working.

I am also concerned with the parent that responds like a robot to their children void or any personal emotion. I believe that a frustrated parent that communicates their frustration honestly has a much better chance of honest exchanges with their children. Honesty and consistency are both good things – but as I said before a parent that cannot discipline themselves have no hope in disciplining intelligent or even semi-intelligent children.

Zadok

 

[Kathryn]

"Because I said so" isn't always inappropriate. There will always be a higher authority in a person's life, and we are not always "owed" an answer to our questions of "Why?" Sometimes answering the question to our satisfaction is a luxury that the moment doesn't allow. Therefore it's important for kids to learn the concept of authority.

By authority, I don't mean heavy handed, abusive authority. But - when a cop pulls you over and asks you to step out of your car, it may not be wise to petulantly demand to know WHY and expect an immediate answer. When your sergeant tells you to move to a battlefield position as quickly as possible, you don't stop and ask why.

Kids need to know that we reserve the right to command when necessary - and they better obey when we do so.

 

[Aqualung]

"Because I said so" isn't always inappropriate. There will always be a higher authority in a person's life, and we are not always "owed" an answer to our questions of "Why?" Sometimes answering the question to our satisfaction is a luxury that the moment doesn't allow. Therefore it's important for kids to learn the concept of authority.

I disagree. People should never, ever follow somebody just because they are in authority. They should only follow people because they know what they're talking about.

 

[Smoke]

But - when a cop pulls you over and asks you to step out of your car, it may not be wise to petulantly demand to know WHY and expect an immediate answer.

It's never wise to be petulant with the cops, but you're always within your rights, if an officer stops you, to ask why -- and to expect an immediate answer.

 

[Misty]

Kids need to know that we reserve the right to command when necessary - and they better obey when we do so.

Young children feel more secure when they realise the adult is in control of the situation. However when they get to be teenagers it is no good the parent demanding they do something, 'because I said so", they have to have a reasonable explanation for why the kids should comply, or the parent loses all credibility.

 

[Kathryn]

I disagree. People should never, ever follow somebody just because they are in authority. They should only follow people because they know what they're talking about.

I'm not saying they should follow people BLINDLY.

Say you're an attorney and you're in court. The judge tells you to stop a line of questioning. You don't say, "But WHY?" You stop the line of questioning - because the judge has the authority to call the shots in the courtroom. As an attorney, you have placed yourself under the authority of that judge.

 

[Kathryn]

It's never wise to be petulant with the cops, but you're always within your rights, if an officer stops you, to ask why -- and to expect an immediate answer.

That may be the case, but you best get out of the car, or produce your license, registration and proof of insurance BEFORE asking why.

Within most systems, we do have the right to ask "Why" and eventually receive an answer. But we don't always have the right to receive an immediate answer. That's my point. Children need to be obedient to their parents without constantly challenging their authority by demanding to know why BEFORE they obey. It's all well and good for parents to be respectful of their childrens' innate dignity by gracing them with explanations - but they don't owe children explanations on demand and immediately.

 

[Smoke]

Kids need to know that we reserve the right to command when necessary - and they better obey when we do so.

Young children feel more secure when they realise the adult is in control of the situation. However when they get to be teenagers it is no good the parent demanding they do something, 'because I said so", they have to have a reasonable explanation for why the kids should comply, or the parent loses all credibility.

I don't think "because I said so" is really an adequate explanation at any age, but I can understand that parents get tired and impatient, especially now that they are blamed for being irresponsible if they let their children out of their sight for a minute.

 

[Smoke]

Within most systems, we do have the right to ask "Why" and eventually receive an answer. But we don't always have the right to receive an immediate answer. That's my point.

The abuse of authority by policeman is another subject, and probably one we shouldn't get sidetracked on.

Children need to be obedient to their parents without constantly challenging their authority by demanding to know why BEFORE they obey. It's all well and good for parents to be respectful of their childrens' innate dignity by gracing them with explanations - but they don't owe children explanations on demand and immediately.

I don't know if we have to view parent-child relationships as quite so adversarial. What's your motivation, as a parent, for withholding an explanation?