Dating ,romance and sexism and men journal

[Riders]

I had to miss Thanksgiving. My restless leg syndrome kept me up all night the night before and all I could do was sleep.

I stayed up all night Thursday night too. So I ended up sleeping all day today try to get caught up on my sleep.

It's just been rough. Next week I'm going to try to get another prescription for my doctor.

But I'm prepared if it doesn't work.
My sister says I should try walking more than I am and see if that doesn't work it out.

I'm going to try to start a new fitness program with my walking .. Instead of just walking for 3 minutes a day :

I'll try 3 minutes then another three and another three until maybe I can get up to 15 or 21 minutes maybe more. If I could get up to 30 or 40 minutes hopefully that would put me right sleep.

The goal is to walk enough so that it wears me out for bedtime and I'm so sleepy that the restless leg syndrome doesn't bother me.

We'll see if it works. If anyone wants to put how their Thanksgiving way you can put it up here.

I ate a lot I got two plates from my sister regular food and desserts.

For desserts I just got to desserts but they were good. I got my sister's homemade banana pudding and chocolate pie from a store pie.

It was good.. Now it's time to get ready for Christmas. I will be there for Christmas unless weather prevents me and hopefully I will be able to walk better by then.

 

[Riders]

Well I think I was taking too many pain relievers when I couldn't sleep and my legs were in pain.
So that kept me sleepy for a few days.
I'm awake now and I'm feeling better.
But I have to have a new plan for my restless leg syndrome.

The doctor is supposed to call me this week and make an appointment to call me about my blood results. I will talk to him about it then and see if you can put me on another medication.

If he can't do anything to help me then I'm just going to have to start trying to put in a good hard exercise program.
I can only walk 3 minutes so maybe I could do 10-3 minutes walks a day.

I've been planting on putting a thread up and help on this for a while.

But shockingly enough I did not get fat until I was 15.
As a kid, I did eat plenty of junk food but my mom didn't have enough money to let me and all my sisters just binge so we ate more of a normal amount.

However, my sister swear up and down that I did overeat more than I think.

But they agree with me on this.
We didn't have computers or video games or videos or cable TV or anything like that. I was very active.

So I used to go outside and play. It's odd because I was never an athlete but I sure did enjoy it.

Sometimes I would get into sports, games at school, or soccer or something like that. But I played badly every time but I enjoyed it.

Also, I used to walk everywhere and my bicycle, I took a lot, I went roller skating every other weekend. I would skate my brains out.

Also, I liked getting in the swimming pool even though I never really learned how to swim; but I love the pool and the water.

So I definitely worked out all the time and I just worked off all of my food.

When I went to psychiatric wards it was way different I mean I was laying in a bed for several months strapped down.

And when I was 15 I went to Timberlawn. We had a lot to eat there, it was a private hospital back then in the '80s. We used to get chips and dip for snacks and we had a deli that we could go to and get seconds. I mean I just ate a lot up there.

We had a gym class that made us walk two miles a day 3 days a week. But it just wasn't enough to take off all the food I was eating up there and so I gained weight.

I got up to 160 lbs. But when I went to Terrell State hospital for 4 months I took off 20 lbs.

And so I was only 140 lb when I was 16 for a while, and by the time I turned 17 I was up to like 170 or 180 and it went up from there.

But I think today's kids and today's teens are cheated out of exercise and physical activity by having all those electronics they get to have.

We never had any of that stuff so.

We'll see how it all works. I'd like to think that I could start out a love for her activities as I used to that would be great.

I just love to move when I was a kid.

 

[Riders]

Anyway my legs are hurting some tonight but they're not jumping or jerking around like they do when I'm in bad pain.

So I've got them propped up on pillows.
But if it gets really bad and I start jerking around I'll get up and walk around for a while and see if that helps.

Today my nurse came. She said my wound had gotten bigger. He said it was in part because I ran out of my Nystatin powder to put on it.

So I had neglected it. But I told her about the night that I had to stay up all night this last week due to my restless leg syndrome.

She says that could have affected it so she wants me to talk to my doctor about getting me another medicine for it.

I hope that he'll give me one.
I'm getting sick and tired of this wound.

Maybe it's because I've been overeating too much this month.
I really need to get on my food plan and I plan on that this week.

I'm just frustrated with myself for now.
But I"ll live.

 

[Riders]

Okay that's enough talk about my legs. I've been really bad I'm worried that the doctor may not know why they're doing that but
If I incorporate exercise when I start having problems maybe that'll help.

They're not bothering me so much tonight a little bit but not a lot. Usually when I have a really bad run two or three bad days I get a break from it for a few days. Hopefully I'll have a few days of piece .


When I don't know what's going on with my body I tend to have anxiety attacks.
I'm worried about death and sickness.

I am alone in this apartment I need to have that bracelet I ordered turned on. I got one of those medical alert systems but I haven't turned it on yet.

Well I'm watching spiritual and religious stuff on TV. Like the Hillsong saga mega church exposed.

It's comforting to hear people talk about religion.

 

[Riders]

Well I walked 6 minutes today. Not too bad for my first day. I did two three minutes sets. I was watching Rocky 1 in the background that always helps.

I only like Rocky 1, 2, and 3. Rocky Balboa the latter one was okay.

But mainly one two and three.

I did not like Creed.
My sister only likes one and two.
I like Rocky 3 because it's got Mr t on it.
I pity the fool. I also like you ain't so bad.

Yep I like Mr t and also like liked the wrestler on it he was cool.

I didn't really like Rocky 4, it was kind of stupid, but I did like the training montage in it.

Rocky 5 was stupid. And I didn't understand Creed and what was going on in it.

I ate binge foods today but I haven't really overeaten. So today is a good day. I'm going to put my bench foods up and see if I can keep them without eating them this week.

I may have to throw them away though.

Today my home health aide went grocery shopping for me. I got most of my money in today so that's always a temptation to start out with a really big grocery list.

I still have whole wheat spaghetti left over from last week. I might make some of that this week. Anyways I was just checking in.

 

[Riders]

Well I am having panic attacks and leg pain all day today.I got nothing done. I did order CBD pain killer pills.I hope it helps my pain a lot.

I.will walk tomorrow. Anxiety comes from being afraid to die from my obesity .I need to kick up a notch and start losing again.

That would help me. And I'm also using spirituality. I've got Catholic monks chanting music. It's calming me down.

Also Buddhist amongst chanting does.
And I need to pray I've been praying some praying and meditation is good.

And I'm getting back on my OA meetings tonight too. That should help hopefully I will sleep good tonight.

 

[Riders]

I know this is strange but I always found this song By KISS to be spiritual.

 

[Riders]

I am on a happy high now. I think my bipolar is kicking in. I stayed up all night and till 2 pm today with restless leg syndrome.

It was very painful and I am still exhausted. I think my high comes from getting rid of my knee jerks and the pain. But it may be back tomorrow.

I have a dentist coming here Monday to pull my tooth out. So I am hoping for a couple of days without the knee jerks. I walked yesterday more than I usually do and it did nothing for me.

I am getting the CBD pills next week. I am hoping they will make a difference for me.

 

[Riders]

I had another rough day. I stayed up all night with insomnia and then restless leg syndrome that was very painful kept me up all day.

It was rough. But I remembered when I used to be in half a yoga that sometimes they would say it's good to change positions if you're uncomfortable and see if you're body can adjust to a different position.

So I started experimenting with sitting in different positions and I think I might have a position that started working.

I'm going to work with it and see if it helps.

Meantime I'm still waiting for my CBD meds.
I gained 2 lb. So I got to get back into my routine and food plan.
I still have 31 lb of weight loss for this year.
So I'm still feeling good about OA.

 

[Riders]

Well, I slept curled up with legs bent on my right side then my left side instead of my back with legs stretched out reclining back. It came back and my knees started to jump then I switched sides. It seems to be working, laying on my side does.

I still have leg pain though. I am waiting for my cbd to get here. I am starting fresh on my diet this week. My home health aid made me some low-fat ground turkey with sloppy joe sauce in it.

 

[Riders]

So I took CBD pill with the sleep agent that came in it last night. My arm and hand is cramping up tonight.

The CBD worked but it worked a little too well. I take one pill and I slept for 10 hours last night and then I tried to get up today and I slept most of the day.

Wow. I don't know if I want to take one tonight but we'll see.

My diet has not been that good but I haven't had a lot of junk lately so we'll see how it be this week.

 

[Riders]

So let's talk about The Stones. They are my second favorite band, The Beatles are number one. So I watched the biography of Mckenzie Phillips, she is the daughter of one of the members of The Mamas and the Papas.

He Dad went to the grocery store to get Mayonaise on her 18th birthday.

I won't finish the story but I am sure you can figure out what Mick did when he was alone with her. The guy I a complete creep, he is a jerk!
But I do not base my love of music on the private lives of performers.

When he gets on the stage and I watch him I love his voice the dancing the craziness all of it, I am in love with Jaguar when he is on stage. So here are a few favorites.

 

[Riders]

Heres another one I like.

 

[Riders]

Here is another one

 

[Riders]

I have had issues the last several months with food hoarding. Not hoarding, hoarding I mean my apartment is clean. Doesn't look anything like my old house did it's nice fresh clean. I have a home health aide who helps me with that.

But I've been keeping too much food in my pantry.
I don't think it's from wanting to overeat because a lot of it I don't even eat.

I just feel better with more food in my apartment and I don't know what the psychological thing is with that.

I'm sure it's got something to do with my eating disorder.

Anyways I'm not taking my CBD pill tonight I'm going to see how I do without it.
I tried to cut it in half today with a knife and I couldn't do it. Their liquid gels. They are expensive. I paid $60 for a bottle.

Next month if I use CBD I'm going to try to find something cheaper.

 

[Riders]

I still have not gotten out to walk down the sidewalk to see my sister's house.
I'm going to try to do that this week.

I need to be up and out. But it's hard on my sister because my grand niece was just born. She had to go to the hospital today.
So Kathy could not come. I see CBD pill made me sleepy again today. I may skip it tomorrow.

It works well though. Just a little too well right now.

 

[Riders]

Well I still feel lonely. But I found some new chat rooms among the chat rooms that I was using. I found one for mental illness and also one for Catholic leaders to chat.

I've been asking them questions about the trinity and a few other things about Christianity including mother Mary.

So that's interesting.

I don't know if I will return Christianity or not.

I'm not completely close to it because I don't depend on science or history to prove my religion would be right.

I wouldn't hold it in a steam over other religions and say it's the one right religion for everyone.

The only proof that I would need that it was right for me as if my higher power leads me to that if I felt led to it then it might be a different thing.

Then and only then could I say it was right for me.

But if I can get some interesting questions in Catholic leadership and the better understanding of the Trinity that might help me.

Anyways it's all good at least that's a couple of more chat rooms I can go to.

Hopefully it takes away some of the loneliness.

Last night I had restless leg syndrome again it came back with the vengeance.

It was so bad it was keeping me up all night and I couldn't walk it off.
So I ended up taking two of the Cbds.
Thank God I had the CBDs here.

 

[Riders]

Well it was a good guy Brandon on Beverly Hills 90210. The series from the '90s. Yeah I'm talking about Jason Priestley. He still is a hottie.

But back when he was on Beverly hills 90210 I really think they messed up after they turned them into a bad guy by making him into a gambling addict.

I don't think it worked for him.
He was better off when he was being bad with Christine Elise who played Emily van one time and also when he was with Kelly.

Also when he was by himself he did okay.

But making him into a gambler just didn't work for me.

He was a nice guy from the beginning.

Dylan was a bad boy. He died recently. Luke Perry died of cancer unfortunately.

It was good as the bad boy though in Beverly hills 90210.

 

[Riders]

This says it all!

 

[Riders]

I have been asked by a couple of folks why I would want to return to church since I've had so much trauma there in the past with Pentecostals.

The truth is that in my twenties and early 30s I was sort of a freak because I was a religious freak.

Then when I got out of church all of a sudden I was a freak for dating and falling in love and then having sex and then I became a sex addict so I was a sex freak for a few years.

Being raised in alcoholics Anonymous of course I went into recovery for that and it worked.

I realized that having been in a cult-like setting I was just searching for normalcy and a sense of spirituality and God.

I was also searching for a way to be normal after having been in psychiatric wards a way to feel grounded and to feel stable.

So of course old tiny Pentecostal Church what's a bunch of strict rules which could help me settle down and find the right direction to seemed right.

But then I turned into a freak like that until big old religious fanatic.

The music then love then romance hanging on to romance and Men to again balance me out and make me feel grounded to make me feel like there was something stable in my life.

Then it turned into sex.

I guess now that I feel like I have been recovered of that I do feel like I want to settle down and just be in a more stable normal environment.

Well it's true I didn't like the church my parents raised me up in because my mom had problems with the Baptist Church: I am an American:

the Christian church is a good place to find good people to possibly find spirituality and if I decide to become a Christian it would be a good place to find my way to God.
But I do feel like I'm serving God now the Jewish Muslim God. I want to read the Old Testament.

But I'll check out the churches for a while and see if I feel good about it.

I've only got teachers I would be interested in going to and that would be either the United Methodist or the Lutheran Church which is liberal about gays and lesbians.

They have to be liberal as far as the glbt community goes because they wouldn't be liberal with me if they weren't.

But both churches are. We'll see if I do any good there.

Churches are nice quiet respectful places to pray and hear a good sermon and meet good people.

It's truly nice. But it is to be seen whether or not I get led into Christianity. It also has to be a church that won't mind me embracing the Zen Buddhist way of meditation and maybe Yoga should I go that path.

This is from my childhood and gives me warm feelings like the church does