Dating, sex, and marriage

[Trailblazer]

I am very disheartened and disillusioned by what I have discovered on online dating sites, but I am not going to allow myself to get depressed over this, because I have finally realized that if I don’t get married again it won’t be the end of the world, and maybe it is better that I remain single.

I cannot find any men who share my values and interests, and most men have interests that I don’t care about. Most men in my age bracket are already retired and close to retirement, and all they look forward to doing for the rest of their lives is enjoying themselves by engaging in outdoor recreation and traveling around the world. There is nothing wrong with that, and I might want to engage in those activities, but my purpose in life is not tied in with enjoying myself in worldly activities. I only have so much time left and I want to spend it on my spiritual growth and helping others.

I joined a dating site called Spiritual Singles, hoping I could find a man with spiritual aspirations. That was a step up from the other dating sites because at least most of the men have spiritual aspirations, but the problem I am having is that these men not only want to be spiritual, they also want to be sexual, and sex is a big part of what most men want in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that but that is not what I want, so it is going to be difficult if not impossible to find a man.

I understand that most people want to have sex with a partner, but I cannot reconcile spiritual with sexual, as to me spiritual is all about sacrifice of self and worldly pleasures for a higher purpose, and sex is about self and desire and attachment to worldly pleasures. Sex is a problem for me because I don’t want to be attached to worldly pleasures, but also because I am not interested in sex anymore.

I used to think sex was very important and I had to have it, but I never want to be like that again. I worked too hard to get where I am today to risk falling back into that trap. I am not interested in any activities that ‘might intervene’ between me and God, and sex is one activity that has intervened between me and God in the past.

Men will say that sex is necessary for “bonding” but I don’t see it that way because I think that couples can be bonded together in love without sex. Sex is not love. It would not bother me so much if men would just admit that the reason that they want sex is for physical pleasure, because at least that is honest. Granted, men might also want sex to feel bonded to a woman, but I don’t need sex to feel bonded to a man. Moreover, I do not need sex for physical pleasure and I do not want that kind of pleasure anymore. Been there, done that, as the old saying goes.

All that said, I might be willing to have sex or I might even want sex with a man if I fall in love and get married, but I don’t want sex to be the primary focus in the relationship. Maybe a man will come into my life who can understand and respect that, or maybe not. I have made myself available and now it is in God’s Hands.

 

[Secret Chief]

You live with cats. Anything else is a bonus!

 

[ChristineM]

What i get from this is, it takes 2 to tango. You don't seem willing to meet man half way.

And speaking as one who has had sex both in love and not in love i can assure you that sex in love is a lot more than physical pleasure, it has an emotional bull dozer

 

[Trailblazer]

You live with cats. Anything else is a bonus!

You can say THAT again.
And the cats are a nonnegotiable part of any relationship I might have.

 

[Polymath257]

I am very disheartened and disillusioned by what I have discovered on online dating sites, but I am not going to allow myself to get depressed over this, because I have finally realized that if I don’t get married again it won’t be the end of the world, and maybe it is better that I remain single.

I cannot find any men who share my values and interests, and most men have interests that I don’t care about. Most men in my age bracket are already retired and close to retirement, and all they look forward to doing for the rest of their lives is enjoying themselves by engaging in outdoor recreation and traveling around the world. There is nothing wrong with that, and I might want to engage in those activities, but my purpose in life is not tied in with enjoying myself in worldly activities. I only have so much time left and I want to spend it on my spiritual growth and helping others.

I joined a dating site called Spiritual Singles, hoping I could find a man with spiritual aspirations. That was a step up from the other dating sites because at least most of the men have spiritual aspirations, but the problem I am having is that these men not only want to be spiritual, they also want to be sexual, and sex is a big part of what most men want in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that but that is not what I want, so it is going to be difficult if not impossible to find a man.

I understand that most people want to have sex with a partner, but I cannot reconcile spiritual with sexual, as to me spiritual is all about sacrifice of self and worldly pleasures for a higher purpose, and sex is about self and desire and attachment to worldly pleasures. Sex is a problem for me because I don’t want to be attached to worldly pleasures, but also because I am not interested in sex anymore.

I used to think sex was very important and I had to have it, but I never want to be like that again. I worked too hard to get where I am today to risk falling back into that trap. I am not interested in any activities that ‘might intervene’ between me and God, and sex is one activity that has intervened between me and God in the past.

Men will say that sex is necessary for “bonding” but I don’t see it that way because I think that couples can be bonded together in love without sex. Sex is not love. It would not bother me so much if men would just admit that the reason that they want sex is for physical pleasure, because at least that is honest. Granted, men might also want sex to feel bonded to a woman, but I don’t need sex to feel bonded to a man. Moreover, I do not need sex for physical pleasure and I do not want that kind of pleasure anymore. Been there, done that, as the old saying goes.

All that said, I might be willing to have sex or I might even want sex with a man if I fall in love and get married, but I don’t want sex to be the primary focus in the relationship. Maybe a man will come into my life who can understand and respect that, or maybe not. I have made myself available and now it is in God’s Hands.

What, specifically, are you looking for in a man? Are you looking solely for a fellow explorer in spirituality? is there any aspect of 'worldly activities' that you are searching for?

What do you bring to the table that would inspire some man to want to be with you? You seem to have a lot of requirements for the man, but what do you offer in return?

And can you be happy on your own? Have you considered getting a pet? Ooops, just saw that you have cats. Nothing more is required, then.

 

[Trailblazer]

What i get from this is, it takes 2 to tango. You don't seem willing to meet man half way.

I am willing to meet a man halfway, as I said in the last paragraph of the OP.

"I might be willing to have sex or I might even want sex with a man if I fall in love and get married, but I don’t want sex to be the primary focus in the relationship."

However, if a man wants sex to be the primary focus of the relationship, then he is not the man for me. He can find another woman who wants that kind of relationship. I already had sex as the focus and now I want God to be the focus of any relationship I have.

And speaking as one who has had sex both in love and not in love i can assure you that sex in love is a lot more than physical pleasure, it has an emotional bull dozer

I do not doubt that 'sex in love' can be that as I have had it many times before, since I was in love with my husband.

 

[sun rise]

Men will say that sex is necessary for “bonding” but I don’t see it that way because I think that couples can be bonded together in love without sex. Sex is not love.

Being in a loving bonded relationship without sex is indeed possible.

To me you are being very wise in understanding yourself and remain true to your understanding of what works for you.

 

[Subduction Zone]

If you don't want sex then perhaps you could consider a female companion that feels the same way. For almost all men sex is a very important part of a relationship at almost any age. The men that do not care that much about sex are probably the men that you do not want. I don't think that you are too likely to find the man that you want.

 

[Secret Chief]

You can say THAT again.
And the cats are a nonnegotiable part of any relationship I might have.

Naturally! If they are not an ailurophile it's just not happening!
I too used to find sex a significant part of certain relationships, but haven't for a long time.

 

[ChristineM]

It's not just the sex, although relatively little time is spent in sex it does account for an awful lot of attachment, feeling, emotion, bonding. If i must is really not the way to go.

I am willing to meet a man halfway, as I said in the last paragraph of the OP.

You spent much of the op saying what you don't want in a man.

 

[Subduction Zone]

It's not just the sex, although relatively little time is spent in sex it does account for an awful lot of attachment, feeling, emotion, bonding. If i must is really not the way to go.



You spent much of the op saying what you don't want in a man.

And sex is important for many women of all ages. Earlier in another thread I posted the humorous song "Viagra in the Water". To be humorous there needs to be an element of truth to a joke. The song tells the tale of a poor truck driver that lost control of his semi and it ended up in the city reservoir. His load, Viagra of course. The last joke is the revelation that it was the city's women that caused the accident in the first place and they were willing to do it again. In other words men aren't the only one that enjoys a good romp. I am not sure if she got it.

 

[Trailblazer]

What, specifically, are you looking for in a man? Are you looking solely for a fellow explorer in spirituality? is there any aspect of 'worldly activities' that you are searching for?

I am looking for a man who has God as his focus, because that is my focus. I am also looking for a man who would offer love, companionship, and emotional support, and I would offer the same.

I enjoy some worldly activities such as bird-watching, outdoor recreation, walking and hiking in nature or on the beach, and I would enjoy traveling short distances and sightseeing as long as I did not have to do the driving. I would even enjoy traveling long distances but that is difficult because I have eight cats and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a pet sitter, not right now.

What do you bring to the table that would inspire some man to want to be with you? You seem to have a lot of requirements for the man, but what do you offer in return?

I do not have a lot of requirements of a man, just what I noted above. It would also be nice if he was willing to share in household chores, and if he knew how to maintain the house and yard that would be a bonus.

What I have to bring to the table is love, companionship, and emotional support, and I would also be willing to have sex with a man if I loved him. I also have a lot by way of material wealth, so no man who married me would ever have to work again. I have a lot of cash in the bank, a very large stock portfolio, and three houses that I own in full. One of them is a ocean view house I could live in if I wanted to (although it is presently a monthly rental.) I plan to keep my financial assets separate if I ever get married again, but any man who married me would get my social security and my pension if I died first, and that alone is more than enough to live on, in good style.

Of course, I will never make the mistake of telling any man on a dating site what I have by way of wealth again, since that is food for the con men. I made that mistake a few times so I learned never to do it again. I was too trusting but now I have gone in the other direction.

I don't want a man to marry me for my money, and no self-respecting man would do that. Most men I have conversed with on dating sites have their own houses and financial assets, but if I happen to find man I love and who loves me who does not have a house or any financial assets, I could offer him a place to live and financial security.

And can you be happy on your own? Have you considered getting a pet? Ooops, just saw that you have cats. Nothing more is required, then.

I don't know if I can be happy on my own since I have never lived alone, except once for about a year before I got married. But I have decided that I would be better off alone than in a bad relationship, so I am going to be very careful who I marry if I marry again. I think I will know if a man is right one for me to marry, just as I knew the first time.

Meanwhile, I have eight cats so I am not all alone.

 

[F1fan]

Im not sure why you think sex can’t be part of a spiritual relationship. In eastern thought there is kama sutra which explores spiritual life through sex. Might be worth your time exploring that possibility rather than closing the door on something quite typical for intimacy in romantic relationships.

 

[Guitar's Cry]

I am very disheartened and disillusioned by what I have discovered on online dating sites, but I am not going to allow myself to get depressed over this, because I have finally realized that if I don’t get married again it won’t be the end of the world, and maybe it is better that I remain single.

I cannot find any men who share my values and interests, and most men have interests that I don’t care about. Most men in my age bracket are already retired and close to retirement, and all they look forward to doing for the rest of their lives is enjoying themselves by engaging in outdoor recreation and traveling around the world. There is nothing wrong with that, and I might want to engage in those activities, but my purpose in life is not tied in with enjoying myself in worldly activities. I only have so much time left and I want to spend it on my spiritual growth and helping others.

I joined a dating site called Spiritual Singles, hoping I could find a man with spiritual aspirations. That was a step up from the other dating sites because at least most of the men have spiritual aspirations, but the problem I am having is that these men not only want to be spiritual, they also want to be sexual, and sex is a big part of what most men want in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that but that is not what I want, so it is going to be difficult if not impossible to find a man.

I understand that most people want to have sex with a partner, but I cannot reconcile spiritual with sexual, as to me spiritual is all about sacrifice of self and worldly pleasures for a higher purpose, and sex is about self and desire and attachment to worldly pleasures. Sex is a problem for me because I don’t want to be attached to worldly pleasures, but also because I am not interested in sex anymore.

I used to think sex was very important and I had to have it, but I never want to be like that again. I worked too hard to get where I am today to risk falling back into that trap. I am not interested in any activities that ‘might intervene’ between me and God, and sex is one activity that has intervened between me and God in the past.

Men will say that sex is necessary for “bonding” but I don’t see it that way because I think that couples can be bonded together in love without sex. Sex is not love. It would not bother me so much if men would just admit that the reason that they want sex is for physical pleasure, because at least that is honest. Granted, men might also want sex to feel bonded to a woman, but I don’t need sex to feel bonded to a man. Moreover, I do not need sex for physical pleasure and I do not want that kind of pleasure anymore. Been there, done that, as the old saying goes.

All that said, I might be willing to have sex or I might even want sex with a man if I fall in love and get married, but I don’t want sex to be the primary focus in the relationship. Maybe a man will come into my life who can understand and respect that, or maybe not. I have made myself available and now it is in God’s Hands.

Without knowing much about your spiritual journey, I would suggest that participating in spiritual activities might be more helpful than simply seeking a relationship. Putting yourself in social situations with like minded people would expose you to relationships (romantic or otherwise) that may provide the companionship you seek.

There are men out there who don't put sex on a pedestal, but add that in to a select spiritual perspective and age group with other requirements and that does make for a difficult task, especially since if you find someone who meets those requirements, you may not even be compatible. Letting a relationship grow organically without checking things off a list may be a more practical and fulfilling strategy.

Best of luck!

 

[Secret Chief]

But I have decided that I would be better off alone than in a bad relationship,

This is key I think. If I was single again, I would happily remain single.

 

[Trailblazer]

If you don't want sex then perhaps you could consider a female companion that feels the same way. For almost all men sex is a very important part of a relationship at almost any age

No, I would not like living with a woman, as I get alone much better with men. I always have since I was closer to my father than to my mother. There are some exceptions such as @Sgt. Pepper and @JustGeorge who are my friends, but my best friend @Truthseeker is a man.

Yes, I am well aware that for almost all men sex is a very important part of the relationship, so I am looking for the needle in the haystack.

That just reminded me of a man I met when I first joined an online dating site. He asked me if we were married would I allow the cats in the bedroom and I told him of course I would! That was a deal-breaker for him and I can only guess why. Needless to say, we parted ways cordially since he knew that sex was not something I cared much about and he did.

Cats in the bedroom was never a problem when I was married. We had a California King canopy waterbed with mirrors and there were cats everywhere, but that never interfered with any 'activities.' Cats are smarter than you think.

The only reason men are able to have sex in old age now is because of Viagra and Cialis. In the old days men had to just face the cold hard reality when they got older.

The men that do not care that much about sex are probably the men that you do not want. I don't think that you are too likely to find the man that you want.

No, those are the men that I do want, the men who care more about God than sex. I admit that is a tall order, but that does not mean such men don't exist. I have my eye on one right now and I am waiting to hear from him. He is not a religious man but he is spiritual. I have not yet verified his position on sex, but I am going on my gut instinct and the fact that he did not say sex was 'Extremely Important' in the list of profile questions, as most men do. He said it was 'Important' and that is okay. I can work with that as long as he is spiritual.

 

[Trailblazer]

Naturally! If they are not an ailurophile it's just not happening!

Sheesh, I just learned a new word!
When I first joined Silver Singles, there as a man who loved cats. He only had one photo of himself, one photo of his horse, but all the other photos were of his cats and kittens. He had four cats and they had kittens. I really liked that man and we exchanged e-mails for a while, but unfortunately he got sick and went into the hospital and i lost track of him. Since then I have not found another man who is a cat lover, they are all dog lovers.

 

[Trailblazer]

It's not just the sex, although relatively little time is spent in sex it does account for an awful lot of attachment, feeling, emotion, bonding. If i must is really not the way to go

Yes, sex does account for an awful lot of attachment, feeling, emotion, and bonding, but sex is not the only way to have those things. My best friend @Truthseeker has been married for 40 years and he has all those things but he hasn't had any sex since they first got married. They are bonded together in love for God and each other.

You spent much of the op saying what you don't want in a man.

Yes I did, but what I closed with is what I would be willing to accommodate, and I even said I might like it, if I was in love. I would like it if I loved him and he liked it because I would want him to be happy.

 

[Trailblazer]

And sex is important for many women of all ages. Earlier in another thread I posted the humorous song "Viagra in the Water". To be humorous there needs to be an element of truth to a joke. The song tells the tale of a poor truck driver that lost control of his semi and it ended up in the city reservoir. His load, Viagra of course. The last joke is the revelation that it was the city's women that caused the accident in the first place and they were willing to do it again. In other words men aren't the only one that enjoys a good romp. I am not sure if she got it.

You can post that video on this thread if you want to. It was soooooo funny, but also so true.

 

[Trailblazer]

Im not sure why you think sex can’t be part of a spiritual relationship.

I did not say it couldn't be for other people, I only said it wouldn't be for me.
Of course it is always possible that could be different if I got married again.
BTW, my attitude towards sex does not come from the Baha'i Faith, it is derived from my personal experiences.

In eastern thought there is kama sutra which explores spiritual life through sex. Might be worth your time exploring that possibility rather than closing the door on something quite typical for intimacy in romantic relationships.

Yes, I know there are many kinds of sex. There are a lot of men who are into eastern thought and many men are looking for tantric sex on Spiritual Singles.