Dealing with anger

[Phasmid]

I was in a game today with my friends over the Internet.

We had a few bad games and after an hour or so of hearing my friends swear, citicise and generally act like pre-schoolers I became quite angry.

I just said, "Look, calm down it's just a game..." to which my friend, who does game design at university, charged in with, "I hate it when people say that, it's not JUST a game" "Yes, it is. It's something to entertain... nothing more" "I'm the one who studies gaming emersion blah, blah, blah"...

I still tried to get my point across that it's no reason to get so worked up (one of them was going slightly insane with rage). Of course this just made things worse and so the criticism of me began... so in anger I basically said in a level tone, "Look, it's meant to be an enjoyable way to spend your time; not something to stress you out. All this swearing and anger is passing onto me and, to be honest, it's really getting on my nerves... grow up".

As you can imagine that went down really well and so the argument continued.

I refrained from going nuts and shouting etc. but I was still quite mad... and didn't know what to do with it all. I decided it'd be best not to play back what they said in my mind... so I just listened to some classical music to calm down and just take my mind off of it. Well... I suppose it's kind of worked. I don't feel angry now... I actually feel like my friends aren't quite as mature as I first thought... as big headed as that sounds.

Anyway, my concern is that this way of dealing with anger isn't good. I keep thinking, "Well... maybe if I don't swear and shout then my anger won't really go away... maybe it'll stay inside me and one day I'll just fly off the handle and... well...".

So I was wondering what's the most effective way you know of dealing with anger, without letting it overcome you in that moment, or in the future.

I'm quite an angry person and I really want to stop it.

 

[ChristineES]

If people act childishly while playing, I just don't play with them the next time. I don't get angry- since some people are very competitive.
But about the question- Holding in your anger is not a good idea. I am certainly not saying that you should deck people who make you angry. Just stating that you are angry with the way people are acting and then leaving it can make a big difference. I am not going to criticize how you handled the situation, but I will say that if it had been me, I would have walked away. Just remember that when people are criticized, they sometimes take it personally and will at times take offense. It really does no good to angry at them or to criticize them because it will not change anything. Sometimes walking away is the only choice. And tell them why you are walking away for your own sanity. If they get angry at you, that is their own problem.

 

[Dezzie]

I don't play with sore sports either. When people get all hyped up over winning, it drives me crazy. It is no way to live your life... If anyone is the type that feels they always need to be the winner, you're up for a rude awakening. It will hit you hard. It'll come back to you...

 

[sandandfoam]

So I was wondering what's the most effective way you know of dealing with anger, without letting it overcome you in that moment, or in the future.

Exercise generally and running specifically

 

[zenzero]

Friend Phasmid,

Try watching the MIND or become *aware* when it is getting you *angry*; it will fizzle out.
Love & rgds

 

[The Neo Nerd]

So I was wondering what's the most effective way you know of dealing with anger, without letting it overcome you in that moment, or in the future.

I'm quite an angry person and I really want to stop it.

I'm studying counselling and this type of thing often comes up in class.

Self analysis of your emotions goes a long long way.

First of all you ask 'what am i feeling'

Then you ask 'Why am i feeling this way'

Do this enough and you will start be able to recognise when you are feeling angry. A lot of the time it will be because of an external source and your anger reaction is is built upon illogical assumptions or something you have no control over. Once you get better at it you can even start to see when people are deliberately pushing your buttons, and theres is nothing stupider than letting someone manipulate you into anger.

Another thing is to keep a journal, just write down whats been making you angry and look for patterns etc.

and if you are far too angry to be able to calmly analyse your emotions try exercise, go for a run, beat the crap out of a punching bag.

While i know this sounds like touchy feely crap. It works.

-Q

 

[blm2007]

When I get angry I just sit back,keep silent for sometimes to cool my head,then go for a shower,and after that I feel cool and fresh and all my anger goes away.That's how I deal with my anger.

 

[Kathryn]

I am 47 years old and I regret to admit that I only learned the truth I'm about to explain a couple of years ago. But it has really helped me get control over many areas of my life.

"Seek first to understand."

This works sort of like counting to ten. When confronted with a situation that evokes a visceral response in myself, I have disciplined my mind to take a step back and (you got it) seek understanding first. This usually defuses most situations on the front end.

I have also learned that, when in a potentially confrontational situation, try to leave the other person with a sense of dignity. In other words, even if you are 90 percent right and they are 90 percent wrong, even if you can annihilate them with facts and reality, don't loose sight of the fact that they are a person made in the image of God - that they believe whatever it is they're spouting off based on their life and their experiences. Respect that even if you don't respect their beliefs or actions.

Now, personally, I don't internalize much at all. When I feel anger rising, I want that out of my system - because it's a poison. I step away from the situation - to another room, outside, whatever, and I walk through the scenario in my mind, seeking to understand. Once I've quieted myself and put things into perspective, I can usually disarm a situation with calmness and low key humor (or empathy, if the situation calls for it).

Then I go home and have a glass of wine and laugh about it with my husband!

 

[Ghostaka]

So I was wondering what's the most effective way you know of dealing with anger, without letting it overcome you in that moment, or in the future.

I'm quite an angry person and I really want to stop it.

Besides the 10 other things Muhammad (PBUH) tells us to do when angry, I think these three would fit you the best (and yes, it is quite detailed ):

(1) Keeping silent:​

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:​

"If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027).​

This is because in most cases, the angry person loses self control and could utter words of kufr (from which we seek refuge with Allaah), or curses, or the word of divorce (talaaq) which would destroy his home, or words of slander which would bring him the enmity and hatred of others. So, in short, keeping silent is the solution which helps one to avoid all that.​

***​

(2) Not moving:

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

"If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down."

The narrator of this hadeeth is Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him), and there is a story connected to his telling of it:

He was taking his camels to drink at a trough that he owned, when some other people came along and said (to one another), "Who can compete with Abu Dharr (in bringing animals to drink) and make his hair stand on end?" A man said, "I can," so he brought his animals and competed with Abu Dharr, with the result that the trough was broken. [i.e., Abu Dharr was expecting help in watering his camels, but instead the man misbehaved and caused the trough to be broken]. Abu Dharr was standing, so he sat down, then he laid down. Someone asked him, "O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then lie down?" He said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: . . ." and quoted the hadeeth. (The hadeeth and this story may be found in Musnad Ahmad, 5/152; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 694).

According to another report, Abu Dharr was watering his animals at the trough, when another man made him angry, so he sat down . . . (Fayd al-Qadeer, al-Manaawi, 1/408)

Among the benefits of this advice given by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is the fact that it prevents the angry person from going out of control, because he could strike out and injure someone, or even kill - as we will find out shortly - or he could destroy possessions and so on. Sitting down makes it less likely that he will become overexcited, and lying down makes it even less likely that he will do something crazy or harmful. Al-’Allaamah al-Khattaabi, may Allaah have mercy on him, said in his commentary on Abu Dawud: "One who is standing is in a position to strike and destroy, while the one who is sitting is less likely to do that, and the one who is lying down can do neither. It is possible that the Prophet (may Allaah be pleased with him) told the angry person to sit down or lie down so that he would not do something that he would later regret. And Allaah knows best." (Sunan Abi Dawud, with Ma’aalim al-Sunan, 5/141)

*** (The one below is rather a reflection of the Scholar who posted the article)
​

(3) The angry person should think about himself during moments of anger:

If the angry person could see himself in the mirror when he is angry, he would hate himself and the way he looks. If he could see the way he changes, and the way his body and limbs shake, how his eyes glare and how out of control and crazy his behaviour is, he would despise himself and be revolted by his own appearance. It is well-known that inner ugliness is even worse than outer ugliness; how happy the Shaytaan (Satan) must be when a person is in this state! We seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan and from failure.

NB: In Islam, we believe that anger is something Satan uses to fuel people to transgress or to make them do something they would regret later.

Phasmid, if you think this isn't enough then look here. It is where I found the advice above as well.

Peace be upon you.

 

[Phasmid]

Thanks Ghostaka, that's good stuff. I'll give it a go next time.

I think that sitting or lying down works on another level as well as just stopping physical outbursts. I think it's a way of keeping control over oneself. You're basically saying to yourself, "I will not be overcome by anger, I'm going to take control and do this instead".

 

[Ghostaka]

Thanks Ghostaka, that's good stuff. I'll give it a go next time.

I think that sitting or lying down works on another level as well as just stopping physical outbursts. I think it's a way of keeping control over oneself. You're basically saying to yourself, "I will not be overcome by anger, I'm going to take control and do this instead".

You're welcome.

Yes I agree about that hadith. I find it works pretty well for myself lol!

Peace be upon you.

 

[Heneni]

Im only human. Oh, and male testosterone has something to do with it as well. And then there could be underlying pshycological problems but thats the last resort. I think the answer you are looking for depends on who's adive you trust most. Which source. Praying for you. Heneni