How many religions have you tried, and why do you practice what you do today? Please try to be as detailed as possible.
Detailed? its gonna be very long ..
... sorry i am not a native speaker. So if i sound under educated forgive me.
Childhood:
- Born confessionless, Lost dad at 3, Really no big family or that stuff. Just me and my mom.
- I got "molested" at 6 from an older person. Maybe 12 or older. As a child i assigned love with someone's attention towards me. And i replied doing what was asked from me "voluntarily" or "without a better knowing". Later mom and i moved to a new city. I never told anyone and i simply had accepted it.
- I meet someone when i was 10 who was soon going to die. Someone who believed my heart can save this one to heaven. I just have to give my heart voluntarily. For a reason i seriously thought must be love.
- Then i was seeking for a God who resides in this heaven which this someone told me will be there.
- I had no book or church to go.
- I tried to live the way how i heard it in in the religion lessons at school, or when i had to visit a church with the other kids. Be kind. Be peaceful. Be selfless. My only wish was to save someone into heaven. And if possible, meet again.
- The pastors and the religious teachers who i met through school quickly ignored me by hearing that i am confessionless. "Pagan" i once heared them saying about me to each other - it sounded pejorative. So i got pushed back to stay without community. But I always felt very happy when i had the possibility to be in a church or hearing stories from this book through school. It made me sense love. I couldnt understand the other kids making fun about this.
- All of these attributes; Love, kindness, honesty, selfless, etc .... went into my self-teaching.
- I learnt how easy it was to cut my desires that i dont need to have any wordly things.
- But when something gets into the subconsciousness, it pretty easy to oversee. So i forgot what had happened to me. I notified it for accepted and moved on.
Youth:
- I lived 30% of it. The other 70% i tried to make up how much of the bible stories i heard belongs to me. Always reviewing what i did and what happened to me as i was growing into relationships with others. I seemed to seek for someone who truely loves me. Simply teenager stuff. Someone's Loves' attention instead of sexual attraction was in how i was following it.
Grown-up:
- I found out that i always seeked in the future was to find someone who i already i had known at 10. My memory took me a year to remember all the things which we'd talked. So, now its ok.
- But it still makes me stunning in how much i followed it unconsciously and how something in me tried to make me remember it.
- A while ago i thought: I dont practice what i believe in, how can i truely believe if i dont practice these rituals. Praying, attending church, and stuff like that. I realized that to obey this God is to practice being good. To practice peaceful love to others. To practice to cut my desire to the basic needs. To practice to share these resources with others. All i know is love is not for myself to have. Its the sharing of the present time where i am able to be with others. This is true creation. Evidenced in futurely times. Evidence which shows it was absolutly true and pure. Even if God is not true and is a definition for humans to lay it at rest for what they suffering for that they are able to be alive again, I still believe in this place where someone who had spoken with my heart was leaving into. A heart which i can call on my side now.
I remember that as a child i believed in powers of the human's heart. Thus i can make a wish and ask it from my heart. Well, I shouldnt had wished to make myself disappear into heaven, right? I shouldnt have wished from God to resurrect someone else for me. I literally forced my heart to fulfill that. Now i know God gave me life but i make it somewhat less of life ... still waiting for this someone.... Waiting for anyone who bring this someone back or who sends me there. Or a little small evidence that we had been.
Well, i guess i have no religion as a community. I live in an totally atheistic world with a lot of people who require humanity as to be the top notch. From people who seen religions is that they are merely supress the individual circumstance. And that is i dont see as wrong or untrue. But i also see which part they are missing out. And i see the part which the religino is missing. ....
So i'll stay a confessionless person with a certain believe in God who gave me life to live and awakens me in the consciousness of love. There is no other God who can take it away from me.