Domestic Abuse

[Green Gaia]

On another forum I belong to, there are constantly new threads from women seeking advice on how to leave an abusive relationship. It makes me very sad and angry to see this women go through this, and many times have children who go through the same treatment. Do you think that we as a society are doing enough to stop this violence? What can we do better as a society to stop this from happening?

 

[Lightkeeper]

The obvious is to stop violence on TV and in the movies. We need to teach our children not be violent. That means we have to teach by setting an example. Children learn by example. If we hit the children or they see us hitting, they will most likely do the same. There are many forms of abuse, i.e. verbal abuse, passive-aggressive abuse, etc. I had a relationship, where there was verbal, passive-aggressive and physical abuse. I have learned to see the signs. I think sarcasm and so called "put-down" kidding are forms of verbal abuse. The domestic violence people will tell you that these two are steps leading to stronger violence.

 

[Pah]

While I do see the effects of the generational passing on of abuse, I also see re-inforcement in the continuation of partriarchal sturctures in the family

 

[BIG gibb]

The obvious is to stop violence on TV and in the movies. We need to teach our children not be violent. That means we have to teach by setting an example. Children learn by example. If we hit the children or they see us hitting, they will most likely do the same. There are many forms of abuse, i.e. verbal abuse, passive-aggressive abuse, etc. I had a relationship, where there was verbal, passive-aggressive and physical abuse. I have learned to see the signs. I think sarcasm and so called "put-down" kidding are forms of verbal abuse. The domestic violence people will tell you that these two are steps leading to stronger violence.

stopping violence on TV will stop the way that men act (usually men) towards their wives/girlfriends. give me a break. this goes back to men having all the say in relationships in the 50's and it just carries on. As a male i have taken some college courses on this issue to find otu exactly what type of personw ould do this and why.

through my research i have come to the conclusion that its the women now a days that cause a lot of this. not saying its their fault but they cause it because they are tryign to be independent. i agree they should be independent and have the same control as the male in the relationship. but this is threatening to the male so a lot of the time they come down on the women.

i personally dont understand why anyone would care that a women has her own life and controls her own possesions because in the 1 long relationship i was in (6 1/2 years) i never once even questioned where my my girlfriend was or what she was doing. it was none of my business unless she wanted to let me know...

so anyway back on topic...in japan they have even more violence on their TVs but have less crime and obviously that includes less domestic abuse. so the violence on TV bit doesnt work in this situation.

 

[Lightkeeper]

BIG gibb said - stopping violence on TV will stop the way that men act (usually men) towards their wives/girlfriends. give me a break. this goes back to men having all the say in relationships in the 50's and it just carries on. As a male i have taken some college courses on this issue to find otu exactly what type of personw ould do this and why.

through my research i have come to the conclusion that its the women now a days that cause a lot of this. not saying its their fault but they cause it because they are tryign to be independent. i agree they should be independent and have the same control as the male in the relationship. but this is threatening to the male so a lot of the time they come down on the women.

i personally dont understand why anyone would care that a women has her own life and controls her own possesions because in the 1 long relationship i was in (6 1/2 years) i never once even questioned where my my girlfriend was or what she was doing. it was none of my business unless she wanted to let me know...

so anyway back on topic...in japan they have even more violence on their TVs but have less crime and obviously that includes less domestic abuse. so the violence on TV bit doesnt work in this situation.

If you will notice, I didn't mention men or women in my post. You jumped to conclusions. Here is a website with statistics and info on domestic abuse.


http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/features/doms_abuse/articles/0,9632,37672,00.html

 

[Bastet]

I think the biggest problem with domestic abuse, is that other people all too often turn a blind eye to it. They don't call the police. They don't think it's their business, so they don't get involved. They'll listen to it happen, they'll watch it happen, and they'll give you a sympathetic eye after the fact. But they don't help, and it's totally the wrong response (although I'll admit, not an easy one to change). People in abusive relationships are so cut off from their family and friends (sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally), and they may very well lie through their teeth about where they got bruises, etc. They'll probably deny that anything is wrong...at first. But if nobody reaches out to them, then they're stuck...because abuse lowers their self esteem so much that they begin to think they deserve it.
Like Lighthouse, I am also talking from personal experience. With my ex, it was a learned behaviour, from years of abuse as a child. Knowing that didn't really make it any easier on me. Passive-aggressive became verbal, which in the end became physical...which is what it took for me to get out. My neighbours knew what was going on, and after I threw my partner out, one even said she'd worried about me...but did she so much acknowledge it before then? No. My friends all told me terrible stories about things they'd heard from others about my ex...did they tell me while I was in the relationship? No. My family told me that they'd worried about me, and about the fact that I had all but cut myself off from them (not by choice)...but did they tell me that before I ended it? No. My family and friends at least were there to help me pick up the pieces of my life and get it back on track. Not everyone has that, which is why it's so important for neighbours, workmates, etc. not to ignore signs of abuse in others. Even if you don't think it's your business, GET INVOLVED! You could save someone's life.
Another problem I see with domestic abuse, is the lack of counselling - both for victims, and the abusers themselves. So many abusers were abused themselves...if they'd had adequate counselling in the first place, I believe that a lot of future violence could be avoided. Counselling and anger management don't help everyone, but it would go a long way to helping the situation.

 

[Sunstone]

Lightkeeper,

I agree with you regarding the importance of TV. Every study in that area that I’ve heard of collaborates the notion that TV violence begets real violence.

I cannot recall having ever heard of a study, however, that directly links TV violence with domestic violence. If you could steer me to such a study, I would appreciate it.

Maize,

I think on the whole society is doing a fairly good job addressing domestic abuse. I’d give it a B+. It might shock you that I can feel that way about it – given how much abuse there is and given the costs of it. But please keep in mind that what we commonly recognize as abuse today wasn’t even recognized by the medical community until beginning in the 1960’s. I’m trying to cheer you up here. When you get down from considering how much there is yet to be done to eradicate abuse, maybe it can help to also consider how much has already been done – and continues to be done. We’ve come a long way since the 1960’s. And the momentum is on our side in the battle against abuse.

Of course, we could do more. One thing I would like to see is a national or international campaign to eradicate the culture of denial that helps to keep so many people in abusive domestic relationships.

Big gibb,

If I understand you correctly, you are saying that the changing status of women (e.g. women becoming more independent) has led to increased domestic abuse. Maybe. But don’t forget how routine domestic abuse was back when women were more socioeconomically dependent on their husbands than they are today. From what I’ve learned of abusers, the more dependent you are on them, the more they take advantage of that dependency to abuse you – so, I would suppose that dependency facilitates abuse, rather than decreases it.

Incidentally, Japanese society is notorious for its most popular form of pornography: depictions of bound, battered, and heavily bruised women. And it is not at all obvious that Japan has lower incidents of domestic abuse than other countries – although it might have lower reported incidents than other countries. As much as possible, the Japanese prefer to handle all forms of crime outside of the criminal justice system.

I applaud how you personally respected your girlfriend’s privacy and independence. The world needs more men like you.

 

[Bastet]

Sunstone, your comments about progress have just reminded me of something. The last couple months or so, I have noticed ads here (in Australia) on tv, specifically aimed at reducing domestic violence and sexual assault. Things have progressed from the 1960s, but there is still that wall...and I guess it'll have to be broken down piece by piece, and not blown to smithereens as some more impatient people like myself would like lol.

 

[Sunstone]

Bastet writes,

"Sunstone, your comments about progress have just reminded me of something. The last couple months or so, I have noticed ads here (in Australia) on tv, specifically aimed at reducing domestic violence and sexual assault. Things have progressed from the 1960s, but there is still that wall...and I guess it'll have to be broken down piece by piece, and not blown to smithereens as some more impatient people like myself would like lol."
___________________________
I'd much rather hear you wanted to blow that wall to smithereens, Bastet, than ever hear you'd become discouraged! But, yeah, I think it's going to be change bit by bit --- I mean, we are talking here about whole societies changing how they handle intimacy and the abuse of intimacy. Perhaps turning around a society can't be done much faster than it is being done. And there's a backlash to worry about too. Some people are saying here Stateside that "the fuss about abuse" is being overblown. I see that as part of the denial that accompanies abuse. Those people who don't want to recognize the problem try to downplay it. But the momentum is on our side. And I'm heartened to hear of the ad campaign going on in Australia!

 

[civilcynic]

One area of domestic abuse that hasn't been addressed in this thread is what Churches can do about domestic violence. In Christianity, divorcing is a big no-no. Often abusive couples stay together simply becuase they don't want to go against Church teachings/doctrine. In many religions, the role of women is submissive and 2nd class which often leaves certain men with the belief that they have every right to do what they want and women believing that they either have no rights or that they must deserve the abuse somehow.

Knowledge about domestic violence has come along way in recent years but it still a subject that society, religion and people in general feel uncomfortable and inadequate to deal with.

 

[BIG gibb]

Lightkeeper i told you i have taken classes on this. that page told me nothing more then i already knew. in fact there are 4 more categories of abuse not listed there.

it still supports my post even if you take out the men from the equation...

very very little has to do with the media like so many peopel think

 

[Sunstone]

Just in case anyone reading this is wondering whether they are themselves in an abusive relationship, here’s a quiz you can take (answer “yes” or “no” to the following statements):

I am afraid of my partner.

I cannot express my opinion or my feelings without being afraid of my partner’s reaction.

I always ask my partner for permission to see family or friends, to spend money, or buy something for myself.

I constantly manipulate myself, my children and my environment in order to make things “just so” for my partner.

I try and try to please my partner only to be criticized again.

I sometimes feel like I am living with two different people, a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.

I am confused about the difference in the way my partner views our relationship and the way I see it.

I am beginning to believe all the terrible things my partner says about me and accuses me of. Sometimes I’m not sure what is real anymore. Maybe I am going crazy.

If you answer “yes” to just half those questions, you are being abused, and you should contact an abuse hot line or similar service for further information and to plan what to do about it. There is no legitimate reason you deserve to be abused.

 

[Lightkeeper]

Thank you Sunstone, that is a valuable list.

 

[Sunstone]

One area of domestic abuse that hasn't been addressed in this thread is what Churches can do about domestic violence.

I’ve wondered about that myself, Civilcynic. I’m not especially in touch with what the churches are doing about domestic violence and abuse, if anything. Are they taking on the issue? Ignoring it? Glossing over it? Putting anti-abuse programs in place? What have they been up to regarding it? Can you give me any information on that?

 

[Runt]

I hate to say it, but sometimes I think religion helps perpetuate domestic abuse. Not all religions, mind you, but some. I know some believers of Islam and some believers of Christianity are taught in church that men are superior to women and women should be subservient. This can lead to sexism and female "victim" attitudes (people who think they are weak, unworthy, etc, can sometimes exude a "victim attitude" that other people may react negatively to. It is easiest to see in school with kids. A child gets the idea, somehow, that they are "geeky", "uncool", and as a result they actually exude these characteristics to other children, some of whom may react cruelly. Adults are just large children.) Sexism and female "victim" attitudes can lead to domestic abuse.

Again, I am not saying that ALL religions, or even all Islamic and Christian religions, are guilty of this... but I think SOME are and thus it is a relevent thing to point out.

 

[Sunstone]

What, if anything, is your church doing about domestic violence and abuse? Does it have any programs in place? Does it provide counseling? I'm very curious about this.

 

[Runt]

My church? I dunno; I'm pretty new to the UU church despite having been raised Unitarian. I know we have a Women's Circle at my church, but I don't know if it has anything to do with support or domestic amuse. I know the UU church is big on community service, but I don't know how much community service is geared right toward preventing and educating about domestic abuse.

 

[Bastet]

And I'm heartened to hear of the ad campaign going on in Australia!

I was cleaning off my coffee table the other day (it happens maybe once a month ), and I found the booklet that was sent out as a complement to the ads. It's part of a national campaign to "eliminate violence against women". It has stories and pictures from real people - women who had been in an abusive relationship, friends of abused women, teenagers who committed date rape (there's a section on "No means no"), parents teaching their son to respect women. It was a pretty good read, had a Helpline for people to call who are in need. Since it was a government initiative (there is $73.2 million committed to addressing domestic and family violence and sexual assault in Australia), it would have been sent out to every household. Hopefully it does some good... http://www.australiasaysno.gov.au/

 

[sisjadie]

There are too many "sour relationships" out there. My younger sister just recently got out of one. I honestly don't know if he hurt her physically (I don't think he did) but he wasn't too kind with his words. He also made it clear he didn't like my family, and since he was a man, my sister had to be at his beck and call 24-7. She had my husband so worried he went and talked to her about her relationship one night and her boyfriend was furious that she would even THINK of talking to another man. The fact he is her brother-in-law never crossed his mind I guess. Either way I thought I would post a quote I found on the topic as to how my faith community handles these types of situations.
~J

"In Case of Suspected Child Abuse or Domestic Violence
An Assembly should consult with a couple if there is suspected child abuse or domestic violence. In the case of abuse or child neglect the matter of protection is paramount and could have legal ramifications
which might require the intervention of the civil authorities.
Should an Assembly determine that a Bahá'í's behavior is contrary
to the Bahá'í standards of conduct, it may consult with the person
and offer appropriate advice. Such abuse is strongly condemned
in the Faith and might lead to removal of Administrative rights."

(Compilations, NSA USA - Developing Distinctive Baha'i Communities)

 

[civilcynic]

I’ve wondered about that myself, Civilcynic. I’m not especially in touch with what the churches are doing about domestic violence and abuse, if anything. Are they taking on the issue? Ignoring it? Glossing over it? Putting anti-abuse programs in place? What have they been up to regarding it? Can you give me any information on that?

Unfortunately, I am no longer associated with any specific Church or denomination so I really don't know. From my perspective, it seems that this issue may be being addressed on a very individual basis at some Churches but I have not seen and heard of anything on a large scale basis such as you see in regards to issues like the abortion issue.

As a former Catholic, I guess a recent statement by the Catholic Church describing feminism as evil is somewhat telling on how the Church views women's rights. With this type of attitude by the Church Hierarchy, why would any woman involved in a domestic violence situation ask for or expect any help, support or compassion from the Church?