Ends and Beginnings

[1137]

My relationship of 4.5 years ended today, one of the worst days in my life. I did and do truly love her, but she wants to have kids and her dreams lay elsewhere, and I do not want children and my dream lay here. What sucks is that it wasn't something that can be worked on, after working on so much. I could never let her give up dreams for me, especially both children and career which are two of the biggest. I do truly hope she goes, meets someone, and gets the children she wants.

Meanwhile it's back home for me, we're halfway through a lease and if worse comes to worse I guess I'll just pay those months. Ate a Disney trip too, but it's all so minor in comparison. I just can't wrap my head around how the right decision can lead to nothing but misery.

But that's how it goes for me, all downhill all the time you know? I'm fully prepared to return to the endless rejection of four years ago, I mean I know what I'm dooming myself to here. It would be easier to just lie to myself, give in, get married, have kids. But I guess that's just not who I am, and that's not real happiness for either of us. At least this way she has a chance at what she wants you know?

I'll be here though, lost in my science and philosophy, a lonely hermit at a young age. Sucks for you guys

 

[metis]

Sorry to read this, but let me just chime in on something that I seem to be picking up. I'm getting the impression that you are not willing to compromise, but compromise is necessary for any long-term relationship. That's the "vibes" I'm picking up, so maybe you're demanding too much? I'm grasping at straws, but I am picking something up here.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but if so, I'm sorry.

 

[1137]

Sorry to read this, but let me just chime in on something that I seem to be picking up. I'm getting the impression that you are not willing to compromise, but compromise is necessary for any long-term relationship. That's the "vibes" I'm picking up, so maybe you're demanding too much? I'm grasping at straws, but I am picking something up here.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but if so, I'm sorry.

Not at all, I appreciate the input. But the problem is I compromise too much in life, then overcompensate online. Look at my recent atheism thread for example. It's not that I don't stand by it, but I'm far more mature and intelligent than that. Besides, it was a me not you thing. I always knew no kids was a deal breaker, I just didn't always know I didn't want kids.

On the topic, we can't always judge online personalities as real world personalities. In fact, it seems to me there is something about written communication that allows us to be the worst of ourselves. One thing I won't deny is I have a long way to go, but one thing I also won't deny is that you wouldn't even recognize me 5, 10 years ago. It's been a long journey for sure, and there's much to come.

But no, I needed to compromise less perhaps. Hell I spent like 3 years convincing myself just to have kids so I could be with her.

 

[VioletVortex]

Sorry to hear. Think of it this way. You said that her intentions lie apart from yours. Isn't the main idea behind a romantic relationship that of finding two concurrent paths and sort of "merging" them, or maybe to use a better term, solidifying a concurrence that was present beforehand. You will eventually find another woman who better fits your profile. Sorry if that all sounded cold and heartless, I hope it didn't.

 

[Mindmaster]

But that's how it goes for me, all downhill all the time you know? I'm fully prepared to return to the endless rejection of four years ago, I mean I know what I'm dooming myself to here. It would be easier to just lie to myself, give in, get married, have kids. But I guess that's just not who I am, and that's not real happiness for either of us. At least this way she has a chance at what she wants you know?

I'll be here though, lost in my science and philosophy, a lonely hermit at a young age. Sucks for you guys

If you are both 100% all in with each other then yeah you're being a tad unreasonable. It's not always about what you want - most women expect their SO to build their family with them. You should presume that is on the table even if you don't want it now or she's not even talking about it yet. Women have their best chances to have children between 25 and 35, so don't expect them to waste time with you while their ovaries rot. A lot of them will see it as though you have problems fully committing to them, and I tend to agree... That takes half the available women out of running and the rest are probably neurotic cat herders.

Honestly, I recommend you reconsider because it is easier to deal with exactly what you dislike about children than it is to find non-psycho life mates. Is it the work? The obligation? The money? Figure out what the _real_ reason you have against it is, and deal with that. People with terrible parentage tend to feel they will be terrible as well, even though that isn't true. Some of this is probably a bit personal for a forum, but you have to know - we don't. Just figure that crap out... If that bit of introspection isn't on your schedule, then you should take it as a sign to move the hell on anyway - you're just wasting her time and yours.

 

[Brickjectivity]

...I just can't wrap my head around how the right decision can lead to nothing but misery....

I know the feeling.

 

[1137]

I always wondered how she said yes, I'm not a guy ladies say yes to. Basically ever. Of course I was her first real boyfriend so I guess she had no comparison. I remember telling everyone that if her and I didn't work I'd just give up, maybe it's actually a good idea. Since yesterday I've studied a great deal into the concept of unsatisfaction and suffering in Hinduism and Buddhism, giving up on an SO is probably a decent place to start letting go of the temporal.

 

[Deidre]

Break ups are so tough, sending you peace and hugs.