Everyday I see the face of God. As Lord Krishna; as Lord Shiva; as Sri Devi; as Lord Narasimha. They look back at me in the form of statues and icons.
It is said that these images are homes to the essence and spirit of the Gods when we sing to them. When we perform puja. When we chant and offer food. They come to us while we praise and honor them.
Yet, all I see are images. I don't feel their presence while I've done any devotion. I haven't even done devotion in weeks. Maybe months. It is my duty to uphold dharma and to worship them, but often I don't see them as God. All I see are empty pictures. In turn I feel an emptiness when I am in their presence for worship.
"Just pray more" I am told. "Chant more and be among devotees." "When you go to India it will be real and not just mere information". "Just have more faith"
The faith is there, but where are the warm fuzzies which I'm told comes naturally with worshiping Krishna, the all attractive one? Where is the power I'm supposed to feel when I see the powerful Durga on her tiger destroying Mahishasura? To whom am I supposed to surrender my sins and karma?
Faith is something that's said to be a gift. Something which brings hope and comfort, but where is it? Can it be bought and sold on clearance? The faith is there, but all I can ever feel is an empowering sense of dread and sadness. Nothing will get better. Nothing changes. I see the thread around my body and the shikha on my head and I feel disappointment and dissatisfaction for myself. "These feelings of uselessness are your karma and what you have brought with you" I hear my reflection say back to me.
Honestly, my life would probably be better if I just gave it all up and went back to non-belief. At least then things were simpler. No duties, no regulations, no pesky sins to think about, and no gods to watch over and judge.
Yet, I can't.
While I'm unhappy now, I was just as unhappy then. Believing that there is nothing out in the vastness of the universe was just as terrifying as what I feel now. The struggles of faith are strong, but it is something that I just can't give up. I would rather believe that I'm doing a bad job at spirituality with the possibility of another try after death, than disappearing into a cold void of non-existence.
Belief in a divine presence is something that I inherently have. Even if it isn't always kind or good to me. I can't give up believing that there is something out there. Even if it causes stress and dread, it's better than the alternative.
Nothingness.
Darkness.
A void.
Therefore, I will continue to look at my statues and icons. Singing and offering them light, incense, and food. Continuing to look into their empty, beautiful eyes.
It is said that these images are homes to the essence and spirit of the Gods when we sing to them. When we perform puja. When we chant and offer food. They come to us while we praise and honor them.
Yet, all I see are images. I don't feel their presence while I've done any devotion. I haven't even done devotion in weeks. Maybe months. It is my duty to uphold dharma and to worship them, but often I don't see them as God. All I see are empty pictures. In turn I feel an emptiness when I am in their presence for worship.
"Just pray more" I am told. "Chant more and be among devotees." "When you go to India it will be real and not just mere information". "Just have more faith"
The faith is there, but where are the warm fuzzies which I'm told comes naturally with worshiping Krishna, the all attractive one? Where is the power I'm supposed to feel when I see the powerful Durga on her tiger destroying Mahishasura? To whom am I supposed to surrender my sins and karma?
Faith is something that's said to be a gift. Something which brings hope and comfort, but where is it? Can it be bought and sold on clearance? The faith is there, but all I can ever feel is an empowering sense of dread and sadness. Nothing will get better. Nothing changes. I see the thread around my body and the shikha on my head and I feel disappointment and dissatisfaction for myself. "These feelings of uselessness are your karma and what you have brought with you" I hear my reflection say back to me.
Honestly, my life would probably be better if I just gave it all up and went back to non-belief. At least then things were simpler. No duties, no regulations, no pesky sins to think about, and no gods to watch over and judge.
Yet, I can't.
While I'm unhappy now, I was just as unhappy then. Believing that there is nothing out in the vastness of the universe was just as terrifying as what I feel now. The struggles of faith are strong, but it is something that I just can't give up. I would rather believe that I'm doing a bad job at spirituality with the possibility of another try after death, than disappearing into a cold void of non-existence.
Belief in a divine presence is something that I inherently have. Even if it isn't always kind or good to me. I can't give up believing that there is something out there. Even if it causes stress and dread, it's better than the alternative.
Nothingness.
Darkness.
A void.
Therefore, I will continue to look at my statues and icons. Singing and offering them light, incense, and food. Continuing to look into their empty, beautiful eyes.
