Family advise...

[InChrist]

I am sorry, this sounds like a sad situation. Your wife is not only undermining respect for herself and your as your son's father, but also respect for any authority in general. This may very well cause them problems for the rest of their lives.... jobs, relationships, the law, etc. Her attitude and lack of concern over the behavior and attitudes of her sons demonstrates a lack of love on her part and an unwillingness to invest in what is beneficial for their lives at present and for their future.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

I have discussed this issue with my friends and family. I have gained new insights but still remain with lack of action. I thought I'd ask it here to see other opinions.

I am having issues with my step-son (18). He was busted for marijuana awhile ago. His mother had to drive him to drug classes twice a week. His reply was, "I won't do it again". After his mother and I got serious, we had our own places. I noticed some missing things in her apartment that I had brought over. She searched his room and wondered why the aluminum foil and lighter for the candles was under his bed. I found pot seeds on the balcony and told her. His reply, "I won't do it again".

After all these talks by the mother, our marriage, and his living with us and rules stated to him along with consequences:

I found his pipe, empty pot bag, and lighter by the balcony. I let my wife handle it.... NOTHING HAPPENED BUT, "I won't do it again".

He is 18, his mother refuses to punish him, and I am at the end of the line. I let her handle it, which I know will lead to more disrespect of my wife and OUR home. I talked to her and told her that next time = consequences. Yet, I know she will refuse to punish him. Where do I go from here?

(more to the story - but I'm sure you see the situation) NOT IN OUR HOME!

I agree that things need to be worked out as a team, but it also seems as if the team spirit means everybody has to be in line with what you want. I smell a communication breakdown. She isn't saying what she wants because she knows you'll tell her she's babying her kids (and honestly, who wants to hear that repeatedly?). So it seems to me that she agrees with you to keep an argument from happening and then is a mother on her own time in a way she wishes. On your end, you're not being heard because you have standards you wish to have in your home that nobody is really hearing, and you're communicating in a more and more heavy handed way so that hopefully SOMEBODY will take you seriously.

I suspect pointing the finger at the rest of the family for not respecting you isn't the best approach. They have their stories too that are just as realistic and should be as considered as yours.

I think there's more to the story on why she continues to protect her kids from adulthood. We have a 19-year-old who wanted to move out ASAP and not go to college (which was my wish). He's since lived his life in ways that make me and his dad for days on end, but he's not our responsibility anymore. I guess I could rant and rave at him and his father for not respecting my wishes for him to go to college, and that having a clear goal of earning a degree might save him some of his proclivity toward activities that I wish he wouldn't engage in, but it's his life. And accusing his dad of pushing him out of the nest too soon would not be productive to our family or our marriage.

Try this: you married your wife for many reasons. She's got brains, a heart, and loves her kids. She married you for many reasons too. I think it's best to approach each other not as adversaries who might be getting in each others way, but as friends. Listen to her and what she really wants.....what she REALLY wants....and it may take time before she tells you that she doesn't just think you want to hear. But once you listen to her about what she REALLY wants more than anything with you and with the kids, you will have a better picture on the whole situation.

Families are messy. I wish you luck. And welcome back!!!

 

[methylatedghosts]

She has stated that she doesn't want the kids to make "me leave". I will not, she is my wife and has the only "contract" with me: our marriage. Yet...? I won't leave. She won't let them stay and do nothing, but she does nothing to help correct the situation....

No, I wasn't meaning in terms of you leaving, but something like this has the potential to push three two of you apart emotionally, no? Bridges, rather than walls, ya dig?

Also, listen to Mystic in the post above. She knows better about these things than a lot of people I know

 

[methylatedghosts]

Just yesterday I came home and told him I'd be up to drive him to school for his one day a week meeting (after working the night shift and giving up sleep as I have always done to take him). His reply? "Today is Tuesday? S#@!, I have two weeks of homework to do now in 4 hours". His mother's responce? "I'll call him in so he will have another week to do it". My responce? "HELL NO, he knew he had school and if he doesn't complete the homework then maybe the teacher/advisor will get on him as I am trying to do!!!"

He'll be in for a surprise when he has 4 Weeks of work to catch up on in university or at his new job.....

 

[dawny0826]

I have discussed this issue with my friends and family. I have gained new insights but still remain with lack of action. I thought I'd ask it here to see other opinions.

I am having issues with my step-son (18). He was busted for marijuana awhile ago. His mother had to drive him to drug classes twice a week. His reply was, "I won't do it again". After his mother and I got serious, we had our own places. I noticed some missing things in her apartment that I had brought over. She searched his room and wondered why the aluminum foil and lighter for the candles was under his bed. I found pot seeds on the balcony and told her. His reply, "I won't do it again".

After all these talks by the mother, our marriage, and his living with us and rules stated to him along with consequences:

I found his pipe, empty pot bag, and lighter by the balcony. I let my wife handle it.... NOTHING HAPPENED BUT, "I won't do it again".

He is 18, his mother refuses to punish him, and I am at the end of the line. I let her handle it, which I know will lead to more disrespect of my wife and OUR home. I talked to her and told her that next time = consequences. Yet, I know she will refuse to punish him. Where do I go from here?

(more to the story - but I'm sure you see the situation) NOT IN OUR HOME!

Hi Brian,

Your wife might need some tough, but still tender, love from you. As you've stated, this is YOUR joint home and the reality - her sons' actions could have negate consequences for the two of you as well, if they are bringing illegal activity into your home.

Reiterate the things that you've stated here to her, as to how much you do genuinely care for her sons. The oldest has paved his way, but the youngest has the opportunity to make better choices and succeed. In order to support this, you have to discipline or place ultimatums on him, when he does things that places himself or you and your wife in jeopardy of legal repercussions. And you have to do this TOGETHER. It's only going to cause drifts in your relationship if one doesn't support the other and provide consistent messaging to the boys.

I recommend family/marriage counseling. It sounds cliche, but, your wife may act more positively to recommendations from a third party and she's going to need support. There are reasons why she won't discipline and this should be addressed. It's not easy taking ownership of the fact that there's something wrong with your children and that perhaps your own failure to discipline may be a contributing factor. Additionally, why is the son repeatedly turning to drugs? Is this keeping him from leading a successful life? Are the drugs merely recreational or posing a genuine problem to his productivity?

If your wife will not go to counseling with you, I still recommend that you go to counseling. You can learn a lot about others and the way that they process and it might help you better handle situations with her sons and better support your wife.

Whatever you do, this isn't an easy situation and I wish you the very best! You're one of my favorites, you know!

 

[Reverend Rick]

Be a man! Your issue is with your wife not the kids. Get counseling and tell her if she does not get tough or cannot, you will take over the situation.

I would say, it does not matter who does this, but it has to be done, no excuses.

Grow some balls man, but get a counselor to make sure what you do is appropriate.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Putting your foot down, IMO, will have the best chance of working in the short term. But I tend to think that continuing to pull rank continuously will result in bitterness and resentment on the part of people who are on the receiving end.

Especially when they are all adults in the house.

 

[Reverend Rick]

Putting your foot down, IMO, will have the best chance of working in the short term. But I tend to think that continuing to pull rank continuously will result in bitterness and resentment on the part of people who are on the receiving end.

Especially when they are all adults in the house.

I'm sorry Heather, just because a kid turns 18 does not make them an adult.

I don't care if they are 40, who's house is it?

This is a husband and wife issue that needs to be worked out. Thats why I recommend counseling so there is no rank pulling.

I went through the whole thing with my children when they turned 18. They would come home late in the night and wake me up. I told them they will come home at midnight during the week. They told me they where an adult and could do as they like.

I told them that the car they where driving would be taken away if they did not respect my wishes.

This is not a rank thing, it is a respect thing which should be a two way street.

If my wife tells me to not leave the toilet seat up, that is not pulling rank that is asking for respect, just as me wanting to not be woke up at all hours of the night.

If you want to smoke pot, smoke it in your own home.

What if I went to my fathers house and lit up a Marlboro in his home?

I'm friggin 60 years old but my age has nothing to do with respecting my fathers wishes in HIS HOME.

 

[chinu]

I have discussed this issue with my friends and family. I have gained new insights but still remain with lack of action. I thought I'd ask it here to see other opinions.

I am having issues with my step-son (18). He was busted for marijuana awhile ago. His mother had to drive him to drug classes twice a week. His reply was, "I won't do it again". After his mother and I got serious, we had our own places. I noticed some missing things in her apartment that I had brought over. She searched his room and wondered why the aluminum foil and lighter for the candles was under his bed. I found pot seeds on the balcony and told her. His reply, "I won't do it again".

After all these talks by the mother, our marriage, and his living with us and rules stated to him along with consequences:

I found his pipe, empty pot bag, and lighter by the balcony. I let my wife handle it.... NOTHING HAPPENED BUT, "I won't do it again".

He is 18, his mother refuses to punish him, and I am at the end of the line. I let her handle it, which I know will lead to more disrespect of my wife and OUR home. I talked to her and told her that next time = consequences. Yet, I know she will refuse to punish him. Where do I go from here?

(more to the story - but I'm sure you see the situation) NOT IN OUR HOME!

What would you have done, if this boy would have been your REAL SON ?

 

[NIX]

Going and getting a job and renting a room somewhere else would most likely be best for everyone. Including the boy. It will force him to become a young man- at least a bit.

 

[chinu]

Going and getting a job and renting a room somewhere else would most likely be best for everyone. Including the boy. It will force him to become a young man- at least a bit.

Than will you marry him ?

 

[MysticSang'ha]

I'm sorry Heather, just because a kid turns 18 does not make them an adult.

I don't care if they are 40, who's house is it?

This is a husband and wife issue that needs to be worked out. Thats why I recommend counseling so there is no rank pulling.

I went through the whole thing with my children when they turned 18. They would come home late in the night and wake me up. I told them they will come home at midnight during the week. They told me they where an adult and could do as they like.

I told them that the car they where driving would be taken away if they did not respect my wishes.

This is not a rank thing, it is a respect thing which should be a two way street.

If my wife tells me to not leave the toilet seat up, that is not pulling rank that is asking for respect, just as me wanting to not be woke up at all hours of the night.

If you want to smoke pot, smoke it in your own home.

What if I went to my fathers house and lit up a Marlboro in his home?

I'm friggin 60 years old but my age has nothing to do with respecting my fathers wishes in HIS HOME.

Here's the thing though, Rick. It's a family Comet married into, and not very long ago either. It isn't as if the adult sons grew up with him as "dad", but as far as they're concerned, he's a man who married their mom and moved in with them. A blended family, and especially with adult children, and specifically a family that is experiencing a minor crisis at the moment, isn't as cut-and-dry as a family where parents and children established a family structure for many years.

I'm inclined to agree more with YmirGF. And it isn't HIS home. It's HIS AND HIS WIFE'S home.

 

[Reverend Rick]

And it isn't HIS home. It's HIS AND HIS WIFE'S home.

You are exactly right. I meant it is both their home and the adult children should respect their wishes.

The wife does not want pot smoked in her home right?

 

[Reverend Rick]

Another thing is, I would not marry a woman and move into a home that she and her children lived in before I got there. The dog would have more seniority in a situation like that.

I was not aware that was the situation before I posted. Hell, the ex-husband most likely knows where to find things in the home better than him.

Not a healthy situation at all.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

You are exactly right. I meant it is both their home and the adult children should respect their wishes.

The wife does not want pot smoked in her home right?

That's my guess. Where you and I agree wholeheartedly is that what needs attention more than anything is the communication between husband and wife if anything is to be done effectively.

Another thing is, I would not marry a woman and move into a home that she and her children lived in before I got there. The dog would have more seniority in a situation like that.

I was not aware that was the situation before I posted. Hell, the ex-husband most likely knows where to find things in the home better than him.

Not a healthy situation at all.

I agree. This is complicated. Blended families are more likely to take many more steps toward unity in their activities and decisions than families that are not blended. What would concern me more if Comet were to kick the kids out is that his wife might continue agreeing with him to his face and travel outside the home to rescue the adult children. Nothing changes except there's more time and very likely more money put into rescuing the kids.

The way they solve problems together needs to be addressed pronto, and it'll have to take a very deep look at how and why one party is pulling away more and one is pushing harder. It looks like the kind of communication breakdown that is a self-perpetuating cycle.

 

[Revoltingest]

My advice to Comet:
- Listen to the posters (except me...I'd just tell you to rub bacon on it.)
- Consider which advice will work for you.
- Persevere.

 

[Comet]

Boy, one day of school and I am behind on this now. Mystic, good points and thank you. Rick, good points and thank you. My wife and I BOTH agree that there will be no pot smoking in our home. This is strike 3 for the kid smoking pot and strike 2 in OUR home. I opt for tough love, she opts for nothing or he'll be worse. As for the father: he got out of jail a couple of years ago for meth dealing. He still smokes pot and lives with his parents. There is no help from the father and the mother is used to doing nothing. She and I have talked about all this and she knows the path our son is heading down. She wants to change the situation for him and to make him understand but is more concerned with being a friend to him than a mother. She hates the disrespect, hates his actions, and knows both boys walk all over her. Yet? She fears they will not love her or become worse if she puts her foot down.

The 21 year old has already been to jail for dealing drugs, then skipped his court date. She knows he WILL GO BACK TO JAIL and she can't protect him from that. I have been trying to make her see the younger one is headed down the same path and WE CAN do something about it. Mystic and others are right, I have gotten more "heavy handed" and I should not let myself fall prey to such actions that affect our marriage. Yet, Rick is right that it is OUR HOME and we have a right to put an end to the disrespect. My wife and I are on the same page in principle, but we differ in action. I wish to take action and all means neccesary to make both boys understand actions have consequences: better by mom and I than the law. She prefers to think that since he said he wouldn't do it anymore for a 4th time, that all will work out wonderfully. Track record says it won't but I see that a heavier hand says "I don't believe IN him" rather than "I don't believe his words"

PS- my wife and I communicate well and we do about THIS subject often. I think she gave up long ago and doesn't know what to do. I think WE can do something and help the younger one - and the older one once he reaps his consequences beyond our control. I don't want to give up!

 

[Comet]

Going and getting a job and renting a room somewhere else would most likely be best for everyone. Including the boy. It will force him to become a young man- at least a bit.

We agree on that and the mother has talked to him about that. Yet, why would a lazy pot-smoker with no regard for responsibility do that when he gets what he wants and does what he wants already with no consequences? Yup... talk is talk and no action will come from either boy without US forcing their hand. It is time to grow up and learn to be "a man".... the problem is the boys have never had an example of how to be a man before and mom will just clean up after them, drive them around, and bail them out... no responsibility and no consequences for their actions = bad news for the future I think.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Boy, one day of school and I am behind on this now. Mystic, good points and thank you. Rick, good points and thank you. My wife and I BOTH agree that there will be no pot smoking in our home. This is strike 3 for the kid smoking pot and strike 2 in OUR home. I opt for tough love, she opts for nothing or he'll be worse. As for the father: he got out of jail a couple of years ago for meth dealing. He still smokes pot and lives with his parents. There is no help from the father and the mother is used to doing nothing. She and I have talked about all this and she knows the path our son is heading down. She wants to change the situation for him and to make him understand but is more concerned with being a friend to him than a mother. She hates the disrespect, hates his actions, and knows both boys walk all over her. Yet? She fears they will not love her or become worse if she puts her foot down.

Sounds like an extension of what she probably went through with her ex-husband. Perhaps even her own father. I don't know, since this is just speculation on my part. But it really sounds like her worst fear is abandonment and being left alone.

The 21 year old has already been to jail for dealing drugs, then skipped his court date. She knows he WILL GO BACK TO JAIL and she can't protect him from that. I have been trying to make her see the younger one is headed down the same path and WE CAN do something about it. Mystic and others are right, I have gotten more "heavy handed" and I should not let myself fall prey to such actions that affect our marriage. Yet, Rick is right that it is OUR HOME and we have a right to put an end to the disrespect. My wife and I are on the same page in principle, but we differ in action. I wish to take action and all means neccesary to make both boys understand actions have consequences: better by mom and I than the law. She prefers to think that since he said he wouldn't do it anymore for a 4th time, that all will work out wonderfully. Track record says it won't but I see that a heavier hand says "I don't believe IN him" rather than "I don't believe his words"

PS- my wife and I communicate well and we do about THIS subject often. I think she gave up long ago and doesn't know what to do. I think WE can do something and help the younger one - and the older one once he reaps his consequences beyond our control. I don't want to give up!

Of course you don't. You're that type of person. :hug:

Drug use and drug abuse - unfortunately IMO - is considered a crime. I personally would like to see it be a health care issue rather than a criminal issue. This definitely is yours and your wife's home, and you should decide whether or not you want pot allowed in your house. But what this family has seen year in and year out is an abuser and an enabler/co-dependent who both need help distinguishing between what they can control, and how to trust others. And with so much lack of trust embedded after years and years of substance abuse and prison time, there's a deep wall that needs to be cracked through. They'll all have to face what probably is their biggest inner demon....the one that whispers in their ears that they're not lovable.

Thanks for being so candid with your family issues, Comet. You are not alone, and there are a lot of families - especially blended families - that are going through many of the same things you are. I'd start with family counseling, tbh. Because it really sounds like there are far deeper issues that haven't been discussed and that need to be brought to the surface. My advice would be to stop trying to be Knight in Shining Armor trying to save this family yourself. The best IMO that you can do is to introduce an interventionist to place clear boundaries with outside support coupled with family counseling where everybody can discuss what's REALLY going on in their heads, and then love them all through it.

This is where professional help ought to be brought in. Good luck! Love you bunches!

 

[Comet]

My wife's dad is a good man and is on the same page as me... lol. He won't put up with it either, which is why the kids won't go live there if it came to it. I know I am not alone for I am always with myself. My wife knows she is no longer alone for I would gladly walk through the gates of hell with her. The boys don't have a clue about much of anything. They hate the dad, but he sells them drugs to sell and use. He uses them, they use others. It is what they were taught. I really only want to teach them another way, but that is a tough row to hoe when you've never had to do anything for yourself before.

I think you know I've never had a problem saying what is. I have no trouble sharing or discussing issues that others avoid. Perhaps others who deal with such things and don't ask will find some solice in this thread. Thank you all again.