Family v. Your S/O

FreeThinker619 · May 25, 2013

Hypothetically speaking, say your family/ close friends didn't like your girlfriend/boyfriend would you still stay with them or leave them alone? Would you risk your relationship with your family for something that can be long term?

Pastek · May 25, 2013

Depend why they don't like the person.

Little Darwin · May 25, 2013

I think that family is less important than your mate. There will always be ties with your family, but at some point the focus should be on your mate, since you will spend your life with them. Giving priority to friends and family early in a relationship may make sense until the point where you have decided that he/she is the right person for you.

Parents and siblings are critical to children, but when you grow up, their role becomes secondary. A parent's responsibility to their children is significant, but even then, I think the priority relationship in a nuclear family (whether traditional or otherwise) is for the relationship with the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with (i.e. partner/spouse). Likewise, if you feel a stronger need to make friends happy than your partner, you have possibly picked the wrong mate or have skewed priorities.

However, with that said, early in a relationship, I think it is critical to consider what your friends and family think, because they may be able to see things worth considering that aren't clouded by hormonal influences. But if after you have taken the time to determine that this person is the one for you, they should be your priority.

Just so that it is clear, I am not advocating a relationship where you spend no time with anyone else, nor that you should support everything your partner says or does blindly... I just suggest setting priorities appropriately.

MysticSang'ha · May 25, 2013

Since I could remember, we've had an incredibly diverse family. Different political views, religious beliefs and lack thereof, different job choices, different hobbies, etc. I've never heard of anybody not liking a new addition to the extended family just because of differences.

The only time I've ever known family to step in is when a new addition is being hostile or abusive to another family member. We have made it clear that abuse is a red flag.

If I had to choose between family and a new addition, I would trust that it's because the new addition is hostile or abusive to any number of us in the clan. I would choose family, if I were in that position.

Wirey · May 25, 2013

If my family didn't like my girlfriend it would say a lot about how nice she was.

ChristineES · May 26, 2013

I agree with this. A person's friends could dislike the person just because they're jealous that the friend is spending more time with him or her.

Penumbra · May 26, 2013

We don't pick our family, but we pick our significant other. A significant other is therefore more important to me.

My living mother and deceased father are/were fine, but most of the rest of my family is racist, so if they don't like the person it could be as simple as they view the person to be of the "wrong" race for me. They're also grossly misinformed in other areas.

As far as I'm concerned, that in and of itself disqualifies them from having any valid opinions about my life. From my point of view, I care about their well-being, but they've forfeited the right to be worth listening to on anything important.

idea · May 26, 2013

yeppers.

BSM1 · May 26, 2013

I had the opposite problem. My family liked and still likes my girl friend/wife better than they like me.

Draka · May 26, 2013

I've been in that position. With my second husband I got along better with some of my in-laws than I think he did. In arguments (that eventually led to our divorce) I had members of his own family coming down squarely on my side and getting in his face about his behavior. Heck, even though he's moved out-of-state now, after the divorce, I was still on very close friendship terms with my brother-in-law and last I heard he still was none-too-pleased with his brother.

Draka · May 26, 2013

I think it really depends on your family as to their opinions. You don't choose your family, so unless you are blessed enough to have a really good family with good insights and truly the best intentions at heart, you may not really care what they say. Friends, truly good, close friends, however, might be a different matter.

People on the outside of a relationship see things differently. They aren't "blinded by love" to automatically disregard the bad things that you just don't want to see. Sometimes it can be hard to hear these things, and more often than not, when you do, you want to just assume that it comes from some place of hate or jealousy and you want to ignore it and maybe even push the person it came from out of your life in favor of the partner. while it is possible it may be coming from those roots, you have to consider the person/s these things are coming from. Are they the jealous and trouble causing type? If yes, then fine, ignore them. If they aren't usually the type of person to pull that kind of thing, then why are you doubting them? ...Because you don't want to admit there may be something wrong with your judgment.

It all comes down to the SOURCE of the "opinions". What kind of people they are and what their possible motive could be for telling you.

Rakhel · May 26, 2013

My family wasn't too happy with my choices. But that was for several reasons. I made a few mistakes and mom never really liked men, so I was screwed on so many levels. I just had to trust my instincts with yosi. My family eventually came around.
His mother still has problems accepting me. She tolerates me because she gave him an ultimatum and lost, but still prefers one of his exs over me.

Revoltingest · May 26, 2013

I'd pick my sig other over family.
I have better judgement than they do.
Besides, not all the family would be opposed....just the ones I despise.

FreeThinker619 · Sep 4, 2013

this true.

Tarheeler · Sep 4, 2013

My mother and I didn't speak for close to five years after my wedding because she chose to insult my wife. My loyalty is to my wife and our children.

Everyone else can take a number.

Kilgore Trout · Sep 4, 2013

Heck, I'd choose a new pair of socks over my family.

Iti oj · Sep 4, 2013

Chances are if they are good enough to be my significant other then my family will not have a problem with them.

HiddenDjinn · Sep 4, 2013

That pretty much sums it up. Mom gave me a choice between my wife and child or access to her and my sister(My dad, grandfather, and brother didn't care one way or other regarding the ultimatum,) and I chose my daughter and wife over her. We didn't speak for two years after that, and I only called the family to notify regarding the birth of a son. One of my ex's still talks regularly to my mom and that is a contributing factor to the distance between the family I have and the one of my origin.

sandandfoam · Sep 4, 2013

My parents said if I moved in with my girlfriend I needn't bother coming home. My family and I didn't speak to each other for almost two years. My girlfriend and I are now happily married for many years. I picked girlfriend. Happy I did.

4consideration · Sep 4, 2013

My family is very accepting of people, and not likely to get involved in the choices of spouse or S/O that we made or make. Prior to my marriage, I dated and had a long term relationship with someone of a different race (more than one different race boyfriend.) I was not given any problem by them for that.

If there was something expressed in the way of dislike, I would think it a personality observation, and I would pay really close attention to what they were saying. I would not necessarily take a family member's opinion over my own, but I would listen and take their thoughts into consideration. Why they don't like the person would be of significant importance to me in whether or not I thought their objections had any merit.

I am happy that my family loves my spouse. It makes things nice to see that kind of relationship when our extended families get together.

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