Feedback needed for religious-based short story

[Särah Nour]

I've attached my short story, A Naga in Eden. This story is for all ages and addresses Buddhism and Christianity. Any and all feedback is welcome.

 

[epronovost]

Good short and snappy dialogues. The girls do sound like children which is a plus. Maybe some more characterisation or description of speech pattern or tone could help flesh the two of them a little bit more though. If it's just a short story though, I wouldn't put a lot more to avoid making the text too heavy.

 

[Samael_Khan]

I've attached my short story, A Naga in Eden. This story is for all ages and addresses Buddhism and Christianity. Any and all feedback is welcome.

I loved this story!

It has so much depth if one knows Christianity and has left it and has studied other religions.

I like how the story is starts from the snake (symbolic of Satan to the christian girl) and then she ends up liking it, as if she was tempted. So it could be that the Christian girl is being deceived through tricky reasoning or the fact that the snake is seen as a good thing in hinduism shows that hinduism is representative of Satan because it honours the snake (satan).

This story really reveals how religion can affect someones view of something or someone and that the basis is merely on tales. Also, the way these girls react is similar to how many religious people react to people react to ideas, people, religions, etc, that their religion has stigmatised and shows their child like ignorance when it comes to the world and their religion. They have a childish mentality when religion is involved. Interestingly enough Jesus said that Christians should be like children when it comes to their faith.

Also the giant cobra with seven heads also seems to be a reference to Satan in Revelations if one looks at it from a Biblical perspective. From a Hindu perspective it doesn't have that relevence.

This is a very fascinating story as I love the way it makes me think and has its roots in two religions and is comparative between the two. I also love the symbology.

Do you have a link to any other stories you might have written?

 

[whirlingmerc]

I've attached my short story, A Naga in Eden. This story is for all ages and addresses Buddhism and Christianity. Any and all feedback is welcome.

My opinion...

It advocates a Buddhist view but consistently too dismissive of a Christian view, weakly representing it. Be honest enough to present various views as the believers in them would.

Eden means delight and part of the delight is walking in fellowship with God. The only point of agreement is that the snake looks friendly - but as we know looks can be deceiving. Was the snake there to trick them or was he the real deal. That was unexplored.

God being uncreated and an uncaused cause was caricatured and demeaned. I would rewrite those parts and let the Christian girl stand up for her views. It is no defect of a great fountain that it overflow sometimes, a quote from Jonathon Edwards on the creation of the world would be good. The universe is like a peanut God carries around in his pocket and takes out from time to time is a good quote from John Piper on the infinity of God.

The snake is hardly confined in the Bible to Eden and is a motif in the Bible first to last book. The pharaoh wears a snake headdress. King Saul defeats the serpent king. Moses lifts a bronze snake in the wilderness for all who were bit by the snake to look to and live and pointing to Jesus being lifted on a cross so all who look to him will live.

Most importantly, the snake will bite the heal of the seed of the woman will crush the head of the snake Also fulfilled in the death and resurrection of Jesus

Most importantly I would have the Christian girl say God create us for His glory and to go from dust to glory, where believers become 'the bride of Christ" in a forever relationship where God is their crown and they are his crown. She was too passive and hollow in the story.

I would change the title if you leave it as is: A Buddhist view of the Naga in the garden of Eden.

OR

Make two endings in the minds of each girl.

One where the snake tries to bite the girls and a friend comes and crushes it's head with his heal
or maybe have the Christian girl wonder if that's what might happen

One where the snake takes the girls on a magical journey or make the Buddhist girl wonder if that would happen

End asking the reader which they think.

 

[stvdv]

I've attached my short story, A Naga in Eden. This story is for all ages and addresses Buddhism and Christianity. Any and all feedback is welcome.

I read a lot when I was 25-35 (only spiritual books), now I don't read much anymore (I feel like Obelix). So, I really did not want to start reading this. Then I did start, and I liked it a lot; I did not even stop till I finished. If I like reading it, it must be good.

Note: It said "Don't copy". Nowadays there are free simple software programs that created a PDF that can't be copy/pasted.

 

[Brickjectivity]

I've attached my short story, A Naga in Eden. This story is for all ages and addresses Buddhism and Christianity. Any and all feedback is welcome.

I like the message.

How is 'Puja' pronounced? This minor detail could make reading less smooth than is ideal. Children don't like if two different people read the story differently. They like the story to be predictable no matter who reads it to them.

Try adding dramatic irony and a moral dilemma. There is no where for the child to think that someone in the story needs the child's input, nowhere for them to imagine themselves in the story, no where for them to say "They should be doing this instead." Let me give you as an example three very famous children's stories. In The Poky Little Puppy there is a problem that the child instantly knows the answer to and just has to wait for the pokie little puppy to solve. They can see that puppy is about to get into trouble and why. The same goes for the 3 Little Kittens. They keep having problems because they are irresponsible. The resolution of their problem is to obey their mother, something that children already know the kittens ought to be doing. In The Little Hen, the hen is doing all the work while her friends the animals won't help, and at the end they justly get none of her delicious bread.

 

[Kenny]

That's a deep subject or it can be very superficial. Would be happy to share but... something more specific?

 

[Kenny]

That's a deep subject or it can be very superficial. Would be happy to share but... something more specific?

amber this is a good starting point?

Buddhism vs Christianity - Difference and Comparison | Diffen

let me know if you have any questions.

 

[Särah Nour]

That's a deep subject or it can be very superficial. Would be happy to share but... something more specific?

That's a deep subject or it can be very superficial. Would be happy to share but... something more specific?

I'd like to know if I'm portraying both religions in an accurate, balanced, and positive way. I want to know if the dialogue is believable for children aged 6 or 7. I want to give the impression that the girls find their differing worldviews jarring, but are curious and ultimately accepting.

 

[Kenny]

I'd like to know if I'm portraying both religions in an accurate, balanced, and positive way. I want to know if the dialogue is believable for children aged 6 or 7. I want to give the impression that the girls find their differing worldviews jarring, but are curious and ultimately accepting.

You have a beautiful way of writing.. well done.

Just a couple of points (not sure how exact you want to be) -

1) it doesn't say "apple" in the Bible. (I used to think that too)

It was just that the fruit of the tree, of which we don't know what kind of fruit it was, This issue was the point of submission to God who had given them everything else to mankind.


2) I can see in the eye of my imagination how a child could react to snakes. My brother almost got bitten by a rattlers. but, yes, it is assumed that Satan entered into a snake.

 

[Kelly of the Phoenix]

I LOVE it. As you can tell from my avatar, I have a thing for reptiles, LOL. I try never to kill one. Bad things tend to happen to me if I do. Maybe 'cause I was born in the Chinese year of the snake, LOL.

I could imagine doing this as a kid. I loved going into the woods and following animals and such.

 

[Kelly of the Phoenix]

It advocates a Buddhist view but consistently too dismissive of a Christian view, weakly representing it. Be honest enough to present various views as the believers in them would.

I mean, they're kids, though, not theologians.

 

[whirlingmerc]

I mean, they're kids, though, not theologians.

True but the Christian kid didn't say similar back, like "oh you don't know" or "that doesn't make sense" so i think the conversation was lopsided

Even the "oh you don't know" is more like a conversation shutdown than discussion. The Christian girl could have said "he might be tricking you" or something or they could discuss some Bhuddist views that the source of all evil and strife is emotions, even love and she could answer "even love???" "If thats Nirvana I don't want it. I don't want to live in a world without love"