Funerals and spirituality

[Kapalika]

Around noon or so today (11/6) my Nana died. She was always a very spiritual person. She considered herself a Christian of sorts but had a lot of Native American spiritualism, kinda witchy and was always on the magical side. In the summer when she was still mostly there, she had given me some stuff she had gotten on a vision quest years ago and a little goddess figure which she said was enchanted.

She was one of the few influences in my life that showed me real spirituality growing up and in some ways she was more of a parent to me when I was young than my actual parents were.

My family is talking about a green funeral to honor her wishes, but I'm more concerned about what anyone speaking there might say. I have concerns myself and I'm more worried my family might not do due diligence if they have a minister speak or might try even themselves to push their own ideas into how or what she believed.

My family isn't particularly Christian or anything. Actually my one aunt and some of her family have some strong Buddhist inclinations. So I'm not worried about them intentionally doing anything.

Ya, talking with them might be a good idea, but it's hard to talk to all of them and I don't want to tick anyone off in this time of grieving/stress. My family is somewhat prone to arguments, depending on who's involved.

As far as grieving, I think I'm okay. She kind of said goodbyes some time ago, and the last two weeks was drawn out. I'm just glad she's not suffering or hopped up on morphine anymore. It's over and she's gone.

Anyways do you guys have any experience with this? As far as funerals go? She was spiritually unique and I don't think it would be an honest honoring of her memory to insert something that isn't there as part of her beliefs.

EDIT: I guess, I always kind of "got" her in terms of how she approached things, spiritually. Maybe my family didn't as they just were not as into spirituality in general. I don't know. I just know I'm the only one who seemed to get where she was coming from.

 

[Scott C.]

I'm sorry to hear about your Nana. I have a few thoughts which you can take with a grain of salt. I would make your feelings and concerns known the best way you know how to those who are deciding on the funeral details and speakers. Perhaps you could speak at the funeral and express yourself concerning your Nana and how her spirituality helped your life. I believe your Nana will be very pleased with whatever happens, knowing that her loved ones were there and did the best they could.

 

[Jeremiah Ames]

Your wonderful story about your experience with your Nana makes me believe you will no doubt say all the right things. I think maybe you shouldn’t be concerned with what others may say, and I ‘m not sure it would be wise to attempt to influence what they say.
My one funeral experience showed that the many speakers spoke from the heart.

 

[Milton Platt]

Around noon or so today (11/6) my Nana died. She was always a very spiritual person. She considered herself a Christian of sorts but had a lot of Native American spiritualism, kinda witchy and was always on the magical side. In the summer when she was still mostly there, she had given me some stuff she had gotten on a vision quest years ago and a little goddess figure which she said was enchanted.

She was one of the few influences in my life that showed me real spirituality growing up and in some ways she was more of a parent to me when I was young than my actual parents were.

My family is talking about a green funeral to honor her wishes, but I'm more concerned about what anyone speaking there might say. I have concerns myself and I'm more worried my family might not do due diligence if they have a minister speak or might try even themselves to push their own ideas into how or what she believed.

My family isn't particularly Christian or anything. Actually my one aunt and some of her family have some strong Buddhist inclinations. So I'm not worried about them intentionally doing anything.

Ya, talking with them might be a good idea, but it's hard to talk to all of them and I don't want to tick anyone off in this time of grieving/stress. My family is somewhat prone to arguments, depending on who's involved.

As far as grieving, I think I'm okay. She kind of said goodbyes some time ago, and the last two weeks was drawn out. I'm just glad she's not suffering or hopped up on morphine anymore. It's over and she's gone.

Anyways do you guys have any experience with this? As far as funerals go? She was spiritually unique and I don't think it would be an honest honoring of her memory to insert something that isn't there as part of her beliefs.

EDIT: I guess, I always kind of "got" her in terms of how she approached things, spiritually. Maybe my family didn't as they just were not as into spirituality in general. I don't know. I just know I'm the only one who seemed to get where she was coming from.

First, and most importantly, I am very sorry for your loss. At the age of 67, I have been in your shoes more than once.

It is important to remember that funerals are for the living, not the dead. That is why funerals sometimes head down unsuspected or unintended paths. My personal opinion is that it is okay for others to "insert" their own viewpoints. It is part of their own grieving process. But then you should stand up for her at the end of it all and speak for her. I would like to think that she would like that.

 

[siti]

Hi @Kapalika - sorry to hear about your Nana.

We had a similar dilemma (only different) when my Dad passed away a few years ago. My Dad was not a religious person but he did have his own ideas about God etc. which were very different from mine and most of my religiously divided family. We decided collectively to have a humanist minister conduct the funeral (even though there was not a single professed humanist among us then - though I might be close to that now) and he did a brilliant job, kindly encapsulating my Dad's life story and inviting everyone to remember him in their own way. I chose not to speak personally, but my brother spoke and two of Dad's grandchildren and one of his best friends. It was very moving and respectful. I don't know how practical that is for your situation. Grief is a very personal thing and we all remember our loved ones in our own ways. I'm sure your Nana's memory will be honored - but if she was anything at all like my Dad, she really was different things to different people and each will treasure their memories of her in their own unique ways.

 

[Vinayaka]

Around noon or so today (11/6) my Nana died. She was always a very spiritual person. She considered herself a Christian of sorts but had a lot of Native American spiritualism, kinda witchy and was always on the magical side. In the summer when she was still mostly there, she had given me some stuff she had gotten on a vision quest years ago and a little goddess figure which she said was enchanted.

She was one of the few influences in my life that showed me real spirituality growing up and in some ways she was more of a parent to me when I was young than my actual parents were.

My family is talking about a green funeral to honor her wishes, but I'm more concerned about what anyone speaking there might say. I have concerns myself and I'm more worried my family might not do due diligence if they have a minister speak or might try even themselves to push their own ideas into how or what she believed.

My family isn't particularly Christian or anything. Actually my one aunt and some of her family have some strong Buddhist inclinations. So I'm not worried about them intentionally doing anything.

Ya, talking with them might be a good idea, but it's hard to talk to all of them and I don't want to tick anyone off in this time of grieving/stress. My family is somewhat prone to arguments, depending on who's involved.

As far as grieving, I think I'm okay. She kind of said goodbyes some time ago, and the last two weeks was drawn out. I'm just glad she's not suffering or hopped up on morphine anymore. It's over and she's gone.

Anyways do you guys have any experience with this? As far as funerals go? She was spiritually unique and I don't think it would be an honest honoring of her memory to insert something that isn't there as part of her beliefs.

EDIT: I guess, I always kind of "got" her in terms of how she approached things, spiritually. Maybe my family didn't as they just were not as into spirituality in general. I don't know. I just know I'm the only one who seemed to get where she was coming from.

I too am sorry for your loss.

It really depends a lot on who is in charge. If she left anything in writing like a personal directive, then that might give you some guidelines. There soen't need to be anything religious at all, and you don't need anyone to guide a service. My father was an atheist, and we had his funeral in the Royal Canadian Legion hall. My brother was the master of ceremonies, and I was the main eulogist, with a cousin also contributing. There was no religion in it. Basically we had a fun day telling silly stories of his well-lived life.

My mother's was similar, but a very liberal United Church minister did the service, but left almost all religion out of it.

Recently friends who had more or less adopted a Down Syndrome person had her pass. The funeral service was shared by a Christian minister, and because the friends were Hindu, I was asked to speak, and add the Hindu perspective, so I did. None of the staunch |Christians seemed to mind, as they were just grateful to my Hindu friends for taking their loved on on at all. She had been 'rescued' from a group home where she wasn't doing well.

We also once had a non- religious service at the school I worked at. A student had died tragically, and I (her teacher) and her uncle shared the eulogies, but no minister was involved.

Having said all that, in my youth, we had a close friend pass tragically in a pipeline accident, and the family was so shocked they just did the first thing that came to mind, and got a fire and brimstone preacher who had no idea about the idea about of the deceased, and tore into all of us, including the deceased for being a 'free spirit. So yes, it can go horridly wrong. My advice is to take charge yourself as much as you can. You've already indicated you're handling the grieving well, so that should help you on a personal level. Best wishes with it all, hope you have a joyous day of fond memories.

 

[Aupmanyav]

Anyways do you guys have any experience with this? As far as funerals go? She was spiritually unique and I don't think it would be an honest honoring of her memory to insert something that isn't there as part of her beliefs.

Sorry for your loss. Yeah, it won't be honest. I am in process of writing up how I want my body to be disposed. A funeral with logs under an open sky. There is a problem here. The person who does that is generally uneducated and mumbles a few regulation mantras of which he does not know the context or meaning with atrocious pronunciation. That is foolish. I wish it does not happen to my body. I do not want any after-death rites. We have a whole lot of them. Initially for 11 day, then for each month of the year, then the six months observance, then the year-end observance, and finally an yearly remembrance day. I do not want any of them. I do not want my photograph to be put on a wall as is usually done with a sandal-wood garland, which eliminates the need to change garlands every day. But I do want my ashes/bones to be immersed in River Ganges in Haridwar, where those of my forebears of three generations have gone.

 

[Hockeycowboy]

Around noon or so today (11/6) my Nana died. She was always a very spiritual person. She considered herself a Christian of sorts but had a lot of Native American spiritualism, kinda witchy and was always on the magical side. In the summer when she was still mostly there, she had given me some stuff she had gotten on a vision quest years ago and a little goddess figure which she said was enchanted.

She was one of the few influences in my life that showed me real spirituality growing up and in some ways she was more of a parent to me when I was young than my actual parents were.

My family is talking about a green funeral to honor her wishes, but I'm more concerned about what anyone speaking there might say. I have concerns myself and I'm more worried my family might not do due diligence if they have a minister speak or might try even themselves to push their own ideas into how or what she believed.

My family isn't particularly Christian or anything. Actually my one aunt and some of her family have some strong Buddhist inclinations. So I'm not worried about them intentionally doing anything.

Ya, talking with them might be a good idea, but it's hard to talk to all of them and I don't want to tick anyone off in this time of grieving/stress. My family is somewhat prone to arguments, depending on who's involved.

As far as grieving, I think I'm okay. She kind of said goodbyes some time ago, and the last two weeks was drawn out. I'm just glad she's not suffering or hopped up on morphine anymore. It's over and she's gone.

Anyways do you guys have any experience with this? As far as funerals go? She was spiritually unique and I don't think it would be an honest honoring of her memory to insert something that isn't there as part of her beliefs.

EDIT: I guess, I always kind of "got" her in terms of how she approached things, spiritually. Maybe my family didn't as they just were not as into spirituality in general. I don't know. I just know I'm the only one who seemed to get where she was coming from.

I'm sorry for your loss. Cherished memories can warm our hearts, I hope yours will.

What will happen in the future, may be surprising to you both, and give you much happiness!

Wish you the best.

 

[Kapalika]

Thanks everyone. I've thought about it, and trying to see if I could speak for part the eulogy I think would solve a lot of the issues. Although convincing my family might be a nightmare, or it might not. I don't know how it's going to be handled.

That aside, I guess my real fear was this idea of some minister using it as a chance to preach. I've seen that happen before and I hate it. My Nana wasn't part of any church but my family was Episcopalian if anything when they were growing up, so I think their choice of minister would be solid as they aren't preachy in my experience. So I'm probably worrying about nothing.

I don't really know the details of what's going to happen though. I might be worrying about nothing. I guess in the absence of information I'm just wildly guessing. Tomorrow I'll call family and see what everyone is saying and sort it out.

I feel a little embarrassed about making this topic but I guess it's because of the spiritual component and wanting to make sure I'm thinking about all of this rationally. It's hard to explain, but something was there that most people just didn't see. Everyone always thought she was unsure of her beliefs but to me it more seemed her beliefs were just something beyond words. I didn't see uncertainty so much as I saw someone open minded who could see things from different perspectives.

I could always relate to that, although I got much better at expressing it over time than she did. She was maybe more eclectic than syncretic whereas I'm just syncretic. So maybe it's just as simple as that. I know what she believed, at least during my life time. There isn't a word for what she believed. It just was what it was.

Anyways. Ya.

 

[Epic Beard Man]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[pearl]

Around noon or so today (11/6) my Nana died.

Shalom

When experience that last goodbye we may be overcome with sadness at our loss, but your 'Nana' seemed well prepared to move on. No matter who conducts a funeral service it ought to be thought of as a celebration of your nana's life and how much she has enriched yours and others lives.

A poem, author Anonymous

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone! "Gone where?" Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There she is gone" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

 

[Hockeycowboy]

I'm sorry to hear a member of your family died but if you happen to be human I would first question why? Human population is quite high, those who are following Christianity make me puzzled too. When hunters kill predators they take the skin off and dump their bodies out but putting them in nature is respectful as it serves as a meal to others but it should really be eaten by the one who took it's life. Why the need to bury her after filling her with chemicals. Is it really that important to not let any non human animal touch a human, maybe eat them to provide back to nature or is that somehow taboo?

TROLL!!

Everyone ignore.

 

[Silverscale derg]

TROLL!!

Everyone ignore.

Ha what a leftest. Can't even have a civil conversation. Just calling me troll. How immature of you

 

[Kapalika]

Small update. I talked with family on the phone to see what was planned. Seems I was worrying for nothing. My family has done very well in respecting her wishes and beliefs. They made very sure with the guy that was going to speak. I'm relieved. Sometimes I get overly anxious about stuff. Mostly everyone is okay with all the specifics.

I do find it interesting though, how interfaith matters are handled at funerals. For some people in another situation, others might not be so understanding but then some are very understanding with much more diverse beliefs.