Growing frustrated with our local church

[sugnim]

My family & I have been members of our local UU Fellowship for the past 2 years. I love the UU ideas & principals, but I am growing increasingly frustrated with our local church. We are a small fellowship of about 30 people. We have no minister, and are lay-led. This means that members take turns offering Sunday services, and many of our committees are comprised of the same people. I love the idea of a small, community church. But, at our church, there is a small group of 5 people who have been very close friends for years and who are in charge of everything. This means that they are very cliquey, and the church tends to run just the way they want it. It feels exclusionary, and I have seen people leave the church after not experiencing a welcoming sense of community. I have tried to be a part of the church, but I feel I need more. Today, we visited our local UCC church. It was Christian, to be sure, which felt a little odd since I am not Christian. But, the feel of the building and the congregation was warmer and more welcoming than the UU church. And now I'm torn. Do I stay at our UU church based upon my religious values, or do I move to another church that espouses different values, and retain my UU identity, essentially staying as permanent visitor? Has anyone else had a similar experience?

 

[It Aint Necessarily So]

What are you looking for? If it's direction, go with what feels most trustworthy.

If it's community, go where you feel most at home.

 

[Buddha Dharma]

My family & I have been members of our local UU Fellowship for the past 2 years. I love the UU ideas & principals, but I am growing increasingly frustrated with our local church. We are a small fellowship of about 30 people. We have no minister, and are lay-led. This means that members take turns offering Sunday services, and many of our committees are comprised of the same people. I love the idea of a small, community church. But, at our church, there is a small group of 5 people who have been very close friends for years and who are in charge of everything. This means that they are very cliquey, and the church tends to run just the way they want it. It feels exclusionary, and I have seen people leave the church after not experiencing a welcoming sense of community. I have tried to be a part of the church, but I feel I need more. Today, we visited our local UCC church. It was Christian, to be sure, which felt a little odd since I am not Christian. But, the feel of the building and the congregation was warmer and more welcoming than the UU church. And now I'm torn. Do I stay at our UU church based upon my religious values, or do I move to another church that espouses different values, and retain my UU identity, essentially staying as permanent visitor? Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Oh you have no idea how much this describes my local UU congregation.

 

[sugnim]

What are you looking for? If it's direction, go with what feels most trustworthy.

If it's community, go where you feel most at home.

Thanks. What I'm looking for is a solemn experience that will provide space and substance for meaningful, reflective thinking about spiritual and philosophical ideas and ways of being. Community is also nice.

 

[Brickjectivity]

My family & I have been members of our local UU Fellowship for the past 2 years. I love the UU ideas & principals, but I am growing increasingly frustrated with our local church. We are a small fellowship of about 30 people. We have no minister, and are lay-led. This means that members take turns offering Sunday services, and many of our committees are comprised of the same people. I love the idea of a small, community church. But, at our church, there is a small group of 5 people who have been very close friends for years and who are in charge of everything. This means that they are very cliquey, and the church tends to run just the way they want it. It feels exclusionary, and I have seen people leave the church after not experiencing a welcoming sense of community. I have tried to be a part of the church, but I feel I need more. Today, we visited our local UCC church. It was Christian, to be sure, which felt a little odd since I am not Christian. But, the feel of the building and the congregation was warmer and more welcoming than the UU church. And now I'm torn. Do I stay at our UU church based upon my religious values, or do I move to another church that espouses different values, and retain my UU identity, essentially staying as permanent visitor? Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Similar but not in a UU church. If it is small, and there are a small number of people you will tend to have that tiny little board that handles things and invites visitors and maintains contact with other bodies. I am being frank here that some people are very gifted in speech, and that gift sometimes comes along with the temptation of getting one's own way all of the time. It is unfortunately as common as many other issues. The up side is that it can be used for good. Such people need way to use their powers positively. Imagine that you could talk circles around just about anyone. What would you do with that power? For that reason I suggest you try to find a way to stay and be at peace and somehow wrangle the situation. If you can't then you can't. If you can then you are doing a good deed. If its just a small irritation then stay.

 

[blü 2]

Do I stay at our UU church based upon my religious values, or do I move to another church that espouses different values, and retain my UU identity, essentially staying as permanent visitor? Has anyone else had a similar experience?

How much do you care?

If you care, and if you know like-minded folk in the congregation, then the solution may simply be to get them together, and develop a solution ─ not just, We have a problem, but, We should try A, and B, and if that goes well, C.

Then you can arrange a friendly meeting between your group and the five (rather than a confrontation) and see whether progress is possible.

Or you can just quietly walk away, of course.

 

[Srivijaya]

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

What I'm looking for is a solemn experience that will provide space and substance for meaningful, reflective thinking about spiritual and philosophical ideas and ways of being.

That kind of thing happens everywhere. In my town there are two Buddhist groups I avoid for very good reasons (I won't go into detail) and lately my independent peer-to-peer group has morphed into a talking shop. I suggested we study meditation and the four noble truths but people want to discuss things like; Buddhism's views on racism, abortion, science, women's rights, environmental protection, animal welfare, alien life (yes even that) etc etc etc.
I'm seriously doubting the desire of most people to find the 'sacred space' in their lives.

I'm becoming convinced that this innate desire is similar to the doctrine of Theosis. Some people experience this longing, others never get past disputation, theorizing, legalism and speculation.

 

[Buddha Dharma]

In my town there are two Buddhist groups I avoid for very good reasons

Believe it or not, me and my Tibetan Buddhist roommate co-founded our own group that emphasizes applied lay Buddhism and encourages a traditional understanding. We're non-denominational, but are trying not to promote secular cafeteria Buddhism. Meaning we are open to Theravada and Mahayana members, is more what we mean. We started a group for similar reasons to what you're saying.

 

[Srivijaya]

Believe it or not, me and my Tibetan Buddhist roommate co-founded our own group that emphasizes applied lay Buddhism and encourages a traditional understanding. We're non-denominational, but are trying not to promote secular cafeteria Buddhism. Meaning we are open to Theravada and Mahayana members, is more what we mean. We started a group for similar reasons to what you're saying.

Spot on. I have one close friend who is in this league and we occasionally get together to swap notes. Unfortunately the group we're both in was one we helped to found but the dynamic has taken on its own direction. I still attend and meditate but don't have much to contribute to these topics as you can imagine. My occasional attempts to mix in more 'relevant' material are greeted with incomprehension. I'm regarded as a deep, quiet, esoteric type, that no one quite understands. Whereas, I'm like, this is actually way more simple than you realize guys - it's doable. Oh well...

 

[PureX]

I would suggest trying to improve things where you are, first. "Be the changes that you want to see happening in the world around you", so to speak. If that doesn't work, then perhaps it's time to go somewhere that will allow you to be a positive contributor.

 

[Rival]

Is there nowhere else you can go? Neither sound particularly appealing for your situation. If you keep attending the Christian one it is highly likely that you will eventually succumb to some of their beliefs even without realising; and the clique sounds no better.

Thanks. What I'm looking for is a solemn experience that will provide space and substance for meaningful, reflective thinking about spiritual and philosophical ideas and ways of being. Community is also nice.

Is a community an essential for you?

I would suggest private prayer and meditation without accompanying voices.

But then I forget that not everyone lives in the rural paradise like I do.

Your room at night can be as beneficial as a congregation.