Harder heart, less judgey

[lewisnotmiller]

@Sunstone asked me to extrapolate on a comment I made claiming to be generally harder, but less judgemental. It's hard to accurately convey whilst typing on a phone on the train, but...this was my response.

Note, this is kinda rambly, and I could give examples in different spheres (work/family/etc). But let's run with this to start...

This is all incremental, but I was a fairly naieve boy when I went to Uni. One of those kids everyone said was mature, but in truth I knew very little about the world. Just how to act, I guess. I came from a working class background, but had a stable home life. I wasn't an immigrant, a woman, an aboriginal, directly effected by drugs. I was 'normal' (Hah!! Seems a weird concept now) and felt sorry for those less fortunate than me, whilst also figured there were lucky people born to wealth who didn't have it as tough as me.

Over time I became a little harder than my left-leaning Uni self. Politically I slid more to the centre, as I had more to lose, and had worked my way up economically. Pretty cliche, but there's a reason for that.

I also saw true poverty in a global (rather than first world) sense, and saw situations where people had no support or chance to improve themselves. That's confronting and tough to deal with. I also realised real whether I was sorry or not mattered little, apart from at a very low/personal level, and even then less than we'd care to believe.

That's not as much the case in Australia, so in some ways I became harder when I came home. It's difficult to see homelessness here (for example), realise that many people have options and are choosing homelessness (is how I saw it), and not feel a little jaded at the large amount of tax going to welfare.

Personally, I think our society doesn't do anywhere near enough to help people improve their own situation. Free education seems a worthwhile investment that would meaningfully help kids in poor socio-economic situations, as would school breakfast programs, cheaper child care, etc. Straight out welfare is a more neccessary evil than good thing.

Regardless, somewhere along the line I stopped connecting the individual in front of me with the pattern or stereotype in general.

After all, I'm a white, middle class male who wears a suit, travels for work, like sports and beer. I know darn well I'm not typical, but from a distance I'd sure appear to be.

So that homeless person? I know nothing of their tale, and I know more than enough real stories now to know they run the full gamut. Drug addiction can be both cause and symptom. Mental illness. Abuse by others. Abuse by self.

Who am I to judge? Have I walked a mile? Heck, a metre?
At the same time, feeling sorry for that person, or even handing them $20...is there a point? Am I trying to assuage guilt? Where does that come from?

Now I just give money to groups I think can better allocate and use it rather than the person before me. Some would see that as dodging responsibility, and to an extent that's true. But the hardness comes from me not caring about appearances. There is a pragmatism I didn't have in my youth, even whilst I am much more tolerant and open-minded about differences.

Hmmm...that's a start. Feel free to ask away, though. It's somewhat cathartic.

 

[Sunstone]

Thanks, Dave. That's a very intriguing story. It raises all sorts of associations with me.

For instance, I used to have a policy of running a personal cash-flow analysis once a week on Mondays. I'd project my funds and expenses out to six weeks. Among my expenses, I had a category, gifts. Basically, I budgeted the amount of money I could give away with no strings attached.

If someone -- anyone -- asked me for money beyond a buck or two, I'd consult my analysis and give them up to their request or my budget, whichever came first. I never questioned what they were going to use it for -- although they always told me one story or another, of course.

I did it that way -- not for them -- but for myself. I felt a need to give back to the community something of what the community had given to me. And I had no desire to worry myself about whether the money I gave was put to what I might consider a good or bad use. I felt it was enough to give something, and that concerning myself with the use it was put to was unnecessary and a burden I didn't want.

I also felt most strongly that judging whether someone was making a good or poor use of the money was to deprive the recipient of their dignity as an adult.

I don't know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing for others. But it worked fine for me.

 

[PureX]

As a recovered alcoholic living in the inner city of Chicago for many years I was often confronted by addicts and alcoholics asking for money. And at first it was a bit of a quandary deciding if giving it to them was me enabling their addiction. But in the end I realized that most of them will die in their addiction, and if my giving them a few dollars helps them find some comfort, even if it's from their drug of choice, then so be it. Once I stopped trying to 'play god' in my mind by assuming that I was or could be in control of their lives, then it just came down to helping alleviate the suffering of others, however and whatever that means.

I had friends in AA that used to only buy these people a sandwich, so they couldn't buy drugs or booze with the money. Which I understood, but I always felt it was insulting and condescending to the people asking for help. And presumptive, too, in thinking that one knows better than someone else what's "good for them".

 

[Mock Turtle]

I have given money to those begging in the poorer countries I have visited, and it was rather a shock to me at the time - many tears actually, but not just because of the poverty - since it just seemed such a natural thing to do. I probably didn't do much thinking as to where it might be spent. However, when the same has occurred in the UK, often being those quite young, I have invariably resisted, although occasionally I have relented when I tended to believe whatever sob story they gave me. Just too many begging now to know if it is right or wrong.

I do try to be as non-judgmental as possible.

 

[Technologicalsociety]

I don't think we do enough here in America to help the poor. Man-made systems will never be able to do the job people must want to do for themselves but at the same time I don't think we are honest at all about the reality faced by those living in poverty. Unless you have lived it you should not assume to know the day to day struggles. My father never met his dad, dropped out of school in the 6th grade and wandered the streets while occasionally living in government housing with his mother and siblings. By the grace of God he was inclined to return to school and in highschool met a good man was placed in his path who took him under his wing and showed him mechanics and carpentry. My father met my mother soon after and they had me at a very young age. My father's life is certainly no fairy tale but I live my life knowing these details and I am grateful for the blessings my family has shared. We are all one and we must always keep those who suffer and carry a heavier burden than ourselves in our hearts and minds. Withholding negative judgement and opposing the spread of it in daily conversation with heartfelt discourse, I feel, is a neglected opportunity for many of us to make a very big difference. Most people don't know better and just go with the crowd's attitude but people have a heart and the heart can be touched with passionate words.

Thanks for your post. It was very uplifting to read. Take care.