I try to thank and praise God for everything good in my life! I jumped off a three story building, and I can still walk! I thank God every day for that grace to walk, because being confined to a wheel chair is hell!
Ten weeks in a wheel chair was more miserable than I thought it would be. Some have it for life. I woke up with tubes coming out of my throat and couldn't talk, couldn't pee with a full bladder until they surgically removed the scar tissue blocking the urethra, leading to urination of blood clots larger than marbles (total agony), fed through a tube going into my stomach for a while!
But still, all thanks and praise to God, I could have been in a wheelchair the rest of my life like my best friend in high school, who had an injury and became a quad, where he couldn't move anything below his neck!
I thank God every day I haven't been a victim of rape from a male (but lots of other types of abuse and repeated beatings and stabbings however).
I thank God I haven't been bombed or buried under rubble in an earthquake!
Praise God I have received many signs and coincidences that to me were obviously a sign from the other side , and more than coincidence!
But still, almost 35, never had a relationship with a female that was healthy, and the one that I loved more than all others combined , with many signs she was a person of Divine Providence, and still my true love, turned into a total nightmare worse than death. So, I will likely never have a happy marriage!
Every job has been a total disaster!
I live in the ghetto in total poverty and have a stalker who actually shows up at my place and has swung on me before and stolen from me. I invited him into my apartment once and he started masturbating, (so I don't allow homeless people into my apartment anymore unless they are female or have a girlfriend with them.)
I have also been violently mugged (it caused my arm to come out of socket one of the 5 times that happened).
But I live in total poverty by American standards, will likely never pay the fines to get my license back! Every job I have had was a miserable disaster! School is possible with the exception of mathematics, physics, and certain forms of science I guess, but with my criminal history and mental illness factors, not sure if I could be the history/religion/philosophy professor or mental health worker I'd like to be!
So, life simply has been a nightmare, and probably always will be. I can't make it a year without a mental institution or trip to jail it seems! And I pray every day for grace to do so, but stuff keeps happening, that all the effort in the world isn't working!
God simply doesn't show himself to be love! I am not seeing evidence of this at all! I believe God wants all this misery and drama!
Is being a Father who watches children get cancer, be born missing limbs, be born with HIV or raped by HIV positive people, or watching children tortured to death, trafficked to be raped by 20 people a day as someone makes money off it, and offer no help, what a loving Father would do??
Is leaving women so impoverished in so many countries they must resort to prostitution, something a loving Father would do?
Is leaving the world in agony, letting people be burned from head to toe in fiery car crashes, taken to burn units, their scabs scrubbed, and all that painful stuff done to burn victims, and remain silent, offer people so little comfort, the loving thing to do?
Is remaining silent, refusing to speak clear messages to people, leaving people blind and confused, like you aren't there, like you don't care about them, the loving thing to do?
Is letting your chosen people, six million of them be killed in very terrifying painful ways like the Holocaust, or any body die in genocide, the loving thing to do? Is letting so many children become orphaned , or letting so many parents lose their children, and not let them stay in touch from Heaven to earth, the loving thing to do?
I see a God who could ease the world's misery and suffering in countless ways and end confusion, but he insists that confusion and misery is better, because that is what he chooses and insists on! He could give us good just leaders and refuses!
But praise God! He has in many ways been more kind to me than the average person. I give thanks where I see it due! Maybe there is great reward for those whose lives were nothing but pain on earth?
Have I been unfair to God?
