Help Me

[huajiro]

I have seen other people create posts when they are going through a difficult time. I am going through one of the most difficult of my life.

My wife and I (up until recently) have had about the most perfect relationship you can imagine. I come from a background of failed relationships, so really wanted to do it the right way when I met her.

I have always stressed love, understanding, communication, trust, honesty, etc. She always knows where I am, and that I am thinking of her. We spend every moment together. I have sacrificed everything for her to know how much she can trust me and believe in me.

We started having problems with my ex causing problems (I had to have contact with her because I have a child from her). I went to court and after a lengthy battle, have gotten my child's mother out of the picture.

We started having problems with her relationship with my child. That is something I will never accept. My son is my number one priority, she backed off.

She has always been jealous, and has made comments to test me. I ignored them always, as I knew that I would never do anything wrong. We were planning a trip to Las Vegas on Thanksgiving, and to go introduce her to my family. I had to let my son's mother know about it, as I was going to have to miss a couple days with him (something I normally would refuse to do, but was trying to avoid problems with her). When she found out that I had contacted my ex, she went nuts. She yelled at me, threw things at me etc.

Throughout our relationship, I always kept my cool. I never yelled at her, and even accepted that I was wrong, even when I knew I was right just to avoid problems. That day I was so mad about her mistreating me that I yelled back. She got so upset that she attacked me. She punched my head as I was driving and scratched up my face.

I was so hurt (not physically as much as emotionally) that I didn't speak to her for days. She finally broke through to me after crying for so many days. I gave in.

When we were planning the trip, I mentioned that I had invited my nephew to go visit his mother (who we were planning to see). She started acting weird again. After getting into an argument again, I decided I was going with my nephew alone. She begged me to take her. I told her that I needed time to think after what had happened the other day. She totally overreacted to the point that I told her it was over....she got on her knees and begged me to take her. My heart was cold at that point.

I went...but returned a few hours later for her, but she was gone. I called her cellphone over and over, but nothing. I called her during my trip and she didn't answer.

When I got back, all my money from my checking account was gone. I called her and nothing. She finally called me to tell me that she was on a train to North Carolina to live with a friend.

I told her that I was willing to forget everything and take her back and start from scratch. Her comment was "what did you do wrong on your trip"? I had done nothing but think of her, but that comment finalized it for me.

When I decided to give up and get a divorce....I get a call, and she wants to come back, but my heart is cold. I mentioned in a post that I give people one chance in a relationship, and only one. It is the truth, I have no friends because of this. My family gets all the chances they want, but theyre family. She had 3 chances and I feel that she blew it.

The other night I broke down and told her that I would try, but no part of me wants to. In my heart it is over. If you hit someone and then steal from them, how can you say that you love them? I never did anything to hurt her, nothing.

Would you accept her back?
How can I live with her after what happened?

I honestly feel that a relationship is fragile....that is why I am so careful. We had problems before, it will never work now.

 

[Runt]

I honestly don't feel I know enough about the situation to tell you what you should or should not do. I'm only 19 and have never had a serious relationship of my own, let alone a marriage.

However, I have seen what bickering parents can do to a family, so some things to consider:

1. She sounds very insecure about her place with you. I don't think she will ever get over it.

2. Your child needs a stable home. By "stable" I don't mean he needs a mother, father, a nice house, and a dog. I mean that he needs to be in an environment where his parents (or, in this case, his father and his stepmother) are not constantly fighting. It must already be hard on him to have to deal with whatever bickering might exist between you and your ex, without adding on the extra stress of seeing and hearing the unhappiness between you and your wife.

3. You need to do what makes you happy. From what I heard in your post, you are not happy, and you do not think this marriage will make you happy.

4. Finally, a marriage takes work. It really does. As I said, I have never had one, but I've watched my parents go through all levels of unhappiness until they finally reached peace and contentment. There is a chance, if you want it, that your marriage can work but if that chance it to exist, it will take a lot of work on your part, and a lot of work on your wife's part.

I hope things go better for you!

 

[jewscout]

Dude if she's going to be acting that crazy you should not be in this relationship. You've given her plenty of chances and she threw it back in ur face, and that whole thing w/ ur son?:sarcastic Man in my opinion your children always come first, period!

My wife and I (up until recently) have had about the most perfect relationship you can imagine.

My mother always told me if something seems perfect there is something really wrong. Nothing is perfect.

 

[HelpMe]

your story sounds so much like a co-worker of mine's.

We had problems before, it will never work now

i hate to give a uniform answer, but honestly, i don't see how it would work if either party has that attitude.i hope she offers some sort of potential to you, otherwise i don't see how you could overcome this skepticism.

sorry i couldn't help more.i wish you the best.

 

[Pah]

You have to follow your heart but I truthfully believe any permanent separation should not be based on the number of times you have been hurt but on your capacity to heal and forgive. That, of course, relates to the degree of committment you have or had with your wife. Any reconciliation is an exercise in deciding how much hurt you are willing to suffer in the future.

No one call tell you what is best for you but many of us have been there at one time or another or will be again. So, there is an empathy involved - I understand the simular pain of making a life-altering decision but I can't tell how much it hurts you.

You'll be in my thoughts

Bob

 

[Lightkeeper]

Two clues I picked up on in your post were, your son comes first and foremost, and you have a forgiveness problem.I think these two things may be causing this great insecurity in your wife. Sometimes we think a relationship is "perfect", but we are not really listening to the other person. I would say give her a chance, really listen to her. Really try to hear what she has been telling you. Just listen quietly and don't comment, let her talk. Or have her write a letter to you about what she thinks is wrong in the relationship. I have learned from previous posts that you are very much there for you son and you should be. It sounds, though, that you may be excluding your wife. You might need to find a balance there. You say you have done nothing wrong, but every relationship takes two people. Truly listen to her and try to see what you have done in the relationship. If you can't work this out together, then you might want to seek counselling. It sounds from your post that your wife feels left out and neglected. Let us know how it turns. I am sorry you have to go through this, however it may turn out to be a great learning experience and in the long run strengthen your relationship.

 

[robtex]

Huajiro you sound, from your posts really expierenced at the dating game and relationship game. I bet you already have a strong angle on this but wonder if your emotions are too hard to overcome. I have to confess that the extreme difference made in this post from a perfect relationship to a psycho woman means that in the beginning it wasn't so perfect. Kids make the dating game really tough. I don't have any but I have dated woman with kids and I know from that it is complicated. I bet there is more to this then we have in this single post but if I may I have a couple of observations.

1) any partner willing to strike or hurt another one with physical force is a deal breaker for me. I can see no justification (even an affair) for that. The fact that it was over an arguement is even worse. I couldn't imagine ever hitting any woman I have ever dated and I bet you could not either...but she didn't seem to take long from imagining it to doing it. It rasies questions.

2) You left and the first thing she thought about was your money. I see that you are in sales and I am wondering if you make a nice chunk of change and if so, is that what sold her on the marriage. As shallow as it is to acknowledge ones financial worth is part of the bargining tool in a relationship and her going for the "gold" makes me wonder what your biggest asset to her is in this relationship. I don't know but since I saw that I wanted to throw it out for you to look at.

3) From my oberservation and one time experience I have noticed that when a gf spouce whatever plays the cheating card over and over that he/she is thinking about it. I have noticed that that partner unless you are doing some really guilty looking things, is thinking about it alot for some reason. I had a gf cheat on me once a long long time ago for months and at the time (I was younger) I kept thinking what am I doing to make her think that. As it turned out I was doing nothing..she was thinking about it all the time and sleeping around on me. I have seen it more than a few times in other relationships and can tell you for me, at this point a partner playing the cheating card over and over without you doing things to prompt it means it is on her mind alot and for me its an autored flag.

Runt is right about your kid. Its gotta be really tough on him. I worked for probation for a while and saw that alot. Broken homes make broken kids. That is just reality.

Look I am sure you made a list (even if mentally) as to why you decided to marry her and what she had to offer but did you ever make the reverse list? If not I bet without asking her you know the answer to that question....at least most of it. Why did she marry you? Map it out and factor it into your decision.

 

[huajiro]

I honestly don't feel I know enough about the situation to tell you what you should or should not do. I'm only 19 and have never had a serious relationship of my own, let alone a marriage.

However, I have seen what bickering parents can do to a family, so some things to consider:

1. She sounds very insecure about her place with you. I don't think she will ever get over it.

2. Your child needs a stable home. By "stable" I don't mean he needs a mother, father, a nice house, and a dog. I mean that he needs to be in an environment where his parents (or, in this case, his father and his stepmother) are not constantly fighting. It must already be hard on him to have to deal with whatever bickering might exist between you and your ex, without adding on the extra stress of seeing and hearing the unhappiness between you and your wife.

3. You need to do what makes you happy. From what I heard in your post, you are not happy, and you do not think this marriage will make you happy.

4. Finally, a marriage takes work. It really does. As I said, I have never had one, but I've watched my parents go through all levels of unhappiness until they finally reached peace and contentment. There is a chance, if you want it, that your marriage can work but if that chance it to exist, it will take a lot of work on your part, and a lot of work on your wife's part.

I hope things go better for you!

I had a similar childhood, that is why I only give it one chance (most of the time). My son has never seen us fight or argue, I refuse to subject him to that. You have great advice for having lived only 19 years, I appreciate it.

 

[huajiro]

Dude if she's going to be acting that crazy you should not be in this relationship. You've given her plenty of chances and she threw it back in ur face, and that whole thing w/ ur son?:sarcastic Man in my opinion your children always come first, period!

My mother always told me if something seems perfect there is something really wrong. Nothing is perfect.

Good point...I thought the same thing.

 

[huajiro]

your story sounds so much like a co-worker of mine's.
i hate to give a uniform answer, but honestly, i don't see how it would work if either party has that attitude.i hope she offers some sort of potential to you, otherwise i don't see how you could overcome this skepticism.

sorry i couldn't help more.i wish you the best.

That is the problem, she won't give up. I wonder if it is because I support her and give her a great lifestyle she would not have on her own. Unfortunately, I think that has a lot to do with it.

 

[huajiro]

You have to follow your heart but I truthfully believe any permanent separation should not be based on the number of times you have been hurt but on your capacity to heal and forgive. That, of course, relates to the degree of committment you have or had with your wife. Any reconciliation is an exercise in deciding how much hurt you are willing to suffer in the future.

No one call tell you what is best for you but many of us have been there at one time or another or will be again. So, there is an empathy involved - I understand the simular pain of making a life-altering decision but I can't tell how much it hurts you.

You'll be in my thoughts

Bob

Thank you for that, I don't know if I can forgive her, that alone will ruin the relationship.

 

[huajiro]

Huajiro you sound, from your posts really expierenced at the dating game and relationship game. I bet you already have a strong angle on this but wonder if your emotions are too hard to overcome. I have to confess that the extreme difference made in this post from a perfect relationship to a psycho woman means that in the beginning it wasn't so perfect. Kids make the dating game really tough. I don't have any but I have dated woman with kids and I know from that it is complicated. I bet there is more to this then we have in this single post but if I may I have a couple of observations.

1) any partner willing to strike or hurt another one with physical force is a deal breaker for me. I can see no justification (even an affair) for that. The fact that it was over an arguement is even worse. I couldn't imagine ever hitting any woman I have ever dated and I bet you could not either...but she didn't seem to take long from imagining it to doing it. It rasies questions.

2) You left and the first thing she thought about was your money. I see that you are in sales and I am wondering if you make a nice chunk of change and if so, is that what sold her on the marriage. As shallow as it is to acknowledge ones financial worth is part of the bargining tool in a relationship and her going for the "gold" makes me wonder what your biggest asset to her is in this relationship. I don't know but since I saw that I wanted to throw it out for you to look at.

3) From my oberservation and one time experience I have noticed that when a gf spouce whatever plays the cheating card over and over that he/she is thinking about it. I have noticed that that partner unless you are doing some really guilty looking things, is thinking about it alot for some reason. I had a gf cheat on me once a long long time ago for months and at the time (I was younger) I kept thinking what am I doing to make her think that. As it turned out I was doing nothing..she was thinking about it all the time and sleeping around on me. I have seen it more than a few times in other relationships and can tell you for me, at this point a partner playing the cheating card over and over without you doing things to prompt it means it is on her mind alot and for me its an autored flag.

Runt is right about your kid. Its gotta be really tough on him. I worked for probation for a while and saw that alot. Broken homes make broken kids. That is just reality.

Look I am sure you made a list (even if mentally) as to why you decided to marry her and what she had to offer but did you ever make the reverse list? If not I bet without asking her you know the answer to that question....at least most of it. Why did she marry you? Map it out and factor it into your decision.

You hit the nail on the head. She is in another state, without a job. Not a very good position. I have taken very good care of her and she is used to that. I wonder how much has to do with love and how much has to do with that.

 

[robtex]

You hit the nail on the head. She is in another state, without a job. Not a very good position. I have taken very good care of her and she is used to that. I wonder how much has to do with love and how much has to do with that.

Don't wonder map it. Look at all the times she showed u the greatest amount of affection or love and if it was a reaction to something you did find what tended to predicate that response and you have your answer.

I will give you an example I write poetry and have a book of about 250 of them. I had a gf that was crazy about that and when I wrote one I (pavlov's dog or what? ) got a lot of affection and attention from her. If I wrote her one than the level of affection really went up. My creative outlet made her feel affection for me.

My bro had a gf and my bro makes a big chunk of change. She did the same thing when he bought things for her. Her motivation was his money.

Neither one said the above. It was just a matter of looking for a patten. When your wife showed u a lot of affection what preceeded that from you?

And of course map out what you think she would find you bring to the table in the marriage. This is the time to acknowledge to yourself why she married you. And it could have been for very pure reasons but at this point I bet you know . I bet you know not only that but what specifically she does not like about your relationship to your ex if she has thought about cheating on you and why specifically she scratched you that one day.

Grab a piece of paper and write it down. Anything you put on paper is going to go a long way to qualifying it. Stuff that is far fetched on paper looks reasonable when its just in your head. Map it out and if you comfortable post it ..but to be honest if it were me I could not post that........

 

[huajiro]

I know that I want the relationship to end regardless....I just know how to do it...I mean I do worry about her well being.

 

[huajiro]

She is back in town today....her mother called me and asked me to take her belongings to her. I don't know if I am ready for this. I feel like my whole being aches....I just wish I could run back to her and make everything go away. Unfortunately it has happened, and I must move on

 

[robtex]

I really feel for you. Hope talking about it on here helps and clears your head a bit. My thoughts are with you.

 

[huajiro]

Thanks Robtex....I am taking it better than I should, and as weird as it seems, that is what is confusing me most. I know I love her, I know I must leave her, I am too d-mn old for this!!!!!!!

 

[Feathers in Hair]

I know that I want the relationship to end regardless....I just know how to do it...I mean I do worry about her well being.

Although I'm going through a relationship wherein I need to take my own advice, there comes a point where you need to acknowledge that yes, you're worried about their wellbeing, but that it isn't, or at least shouldn't be, the most important thing in your life. Your wellbeing has to come first.