• Welcome to Religious Forums, a friendly forum to discuss all religions in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Access to private conversations with other members.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

Hot, Sexy, Sexual Resumes! Get Yours Before They Melt!

Sunstone

De Diablo Del Fora
Premium Member
RESUME OF DRAKA

JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexually inquisitive and open-minded, the applicant urgently seeks an unusually resolute partner to help her break through the carved-in-stone Iowan sexual rules and boundaries. It is absolutely crucial the partner be in excellent health, possess exceptional energy, and have the strength of will necessary to join her in blowing past the deeply ingrained local custom of pessimistically discussing the year's corn crop as foreplay. Desire for actual intercourse is optional.

QUALIFICATIONS: The applicant is a middle-aged woman currently peaking in horniness. Only the August corn grows faster than her thriving desires. --- Ooops! We weren't going to talk about corn. --- She is enthusiastically open to experiment, has reached the age of sexual confidence, is a considerate lover, and brings to the table (or to the bed, the living room carpet, the local park, the downtown rooftops, the occasional alley, and, of course, the dark movie theaters) a mischievous nature sufficiently moderated by her good sense, kindness, and high ethical standards.

WORK HISTORY:

Padawan, Uncle Sunstone's Cyber-Gakkou and Sex Scam: The applicant's demanding responsibilities include the crucial task of frequently making Uncle Sunstone just as firm and fully engorged as a bursting ear of Iowa corn. --- Oh, sorry, that corn reference just slipped out. I'm absolutely not thinking of foreplay. --- Significantly she is also entrusted with intercepting and diverting to the toxic waste bin any deep-fried macaroni and cheese that Uncle Sunstone has generously cooked for the padawans. She has performed her assignments with such competence and enthusiasm that Uncle Sunstone once sought to pin a medal of commendation on her, but could find no clothing to pin it to.

Counselor, Davenport Shelter for Persons Emotionally Traumatized by Sexual Foreplay: The applicant achieved unprecedented rates of client recovery through her creation and implementation of the brilliant "Davenport Method", which seeks to restore enthusiasm for foreplay by encouraging the client to unwaveringly focus their imagination on the alluring and timeless attraction of slowly running their hands through a sheep's wool whenever they feel a desire to discuss the year's corn crop.

EDUCATION:

Iowan Institute of Psychotherapy and Agriculture. Wrote her senior thesis on the theoretical possibilities of substituting soybeans for corn during foreplay without thereby destroying any hope an Iowan would naturally have of becoming excited.

Deep Soil Institute of Keokuk. Graduated with High Honors in Mud Wrestling.

REFERENCES:

Steve Porkenson, Director, Iowa Refuge and Asylum for Persons Severely Traumatized by the Davenport Method.

Werner Yerklestop, Chief Rescue Officer, Cults and Clans Division, Davenport Police Department, Sunstone Investigation Squad.
 

Draka

Wonder Woman
RESUME OF DRAKA

JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexually inquisitive and open-minded, the applicant urgently seeks an unusually resolute partner to help her break through the carved-in-stone Iowan sexual rules and boundaries. It is absolutely crucial the partner be in excellent health, possess exceptional energy, and have the strength of will necessary to join her in blowing past the deeply ingrained local custom of pessimistically discussing the year's corn crop as foreplay. Desire for actual intercourse is optional.

QUALIFICATIONS: The applicant is a middle-aged woman currently peaking in horniness. Only the August corn grows faster than her thriving desires. --- Ooops! We weren't going to talk about corn. --- She is enthusiastically open to experiment, has reached the age of sexual confidence, is a considerate lover, and brings to the table (or to the bed, the living room carpet, the local park, the downtown rooftops, the occasional alley, and, of course, the dark movie theaters) a mischievous nature sufficiently moderated by her good sense, kindness, and high ethical standards.

WORK HISTORY:

Padawan, Uncle Sunstone's Cyber-Gakkou and Sex Scam: The applicant's demanding responsibilities include the crucial task of frequently making Uncle Sunstone just as firm and fully engorged as a bursting ear of Iowa corn. --- Oh, sorry, that corn reference just slipped out. I'm absolutely not thinking of foreplay. --- Significantly she is also entrusted with intercepting and diverting to the toxic waste bin any deep-fried macaroni and cheese that Uncle Sunstone has generously cooked for the padawans. She has performed her assignments with such competence and enthusiasm that Uncle Sunstone once sought to pin a medal of commendation on her, but could find no clothing to pin it to.

Counselor, Davenport Shelter for Persons Emotionally Traumatized by Sexual Foreplay: The applicant achieved unprecedented rates of client recovery through her creation and implementation of the brilliant "Davenport Method", which seeks to restore enthusiasm for foreplay by encouraging the client to unwaveringly focus their imagination on the alluring and timeless attraction of slowly running their hands through a sheep's wool whenever they feel a desire to discuss the year's corn crop.

EDUCATION:

Iowan Institute of Psychotherapy and Agriculture. Wrote her senior thesis on the theoretical possibilities of substituting soybeans for corn during foreplay without thereby destroying any hope an Iowan would naturally have of becoming excited.

Deep Soil Institute of Keokuk. Graduated with High Honors in Mud Wrestling.

REFERENCES:

Steve Porkenson, Director, Iowa Refuge and Asylum for Persons Severely Traumatized by the Davenport Method.

Werner Yerklestop, Chief Rescue Officer, Cults and Clans Division, Davenport Police Department, Sunstone Investigation Squad.

:biglaugh:
"bursting ear of corn"? :p lol

Hilarious! Oh...and one ever important question...how did you know about the mud wrestling?
 

Debater Slayer

Vipassana
Staff member
Premium Member
RESUME OF BADRAN

JOB OBJECTIVE:
Desperately hypersexual Egyptian undergraduate looking for ways to satisfy his urges besides sodomizing pillows, humping fish in the Red Sea, and French-kissing tortoises on the beaches of Alexandria. Special preference is given for experienced applicants.*

*Due to a probation order from the Egyptian Association for the Protection of Wildlife, camels and Arabian horses need not apply.

QUALIFICATIONS: Outstanding experience fondling and caressing the flora and fauna of Egypt, especially in the desert. Has handled rattlesnakes, tarantulas, jackals, camels (prior to serving jail time and subsequently being placed on probation), papyrus plants, cottonseeds, and sugarcane. Survived two hospitalizations after botched contact with cacti. Currently blacklisted in 345 animal rights organizations in 150 different countries.

WORK HISTORY:

Apprentice Archaeologist at the Egyptian Association for Heritage and Culture — Spent some time leading tourists around landmarks and photographing the nonexistent genitalia of 30-feet-tall ancient Egyptian statues. Left the job after getting warned that consistent humping may completely erode the Sphinx by 2057.

Secondary Lifeguard at the Alexandria Beach for the Sexually Deprived — Rescued at least 60 people from drowning due to going after tortoises into the sea. His tendency to get swallowed by blue whales and get intimate with their internal organs earned him fame respectively as "Badran magna cum laude" and "The Sexiest Man in the Mediterranean (Below Sea Level)". Was arrested and served jail time for negligence following an incident when he got too busy swooning over a shark to rescue an old man who drowned after chasing a school of fish underwater.

EDUCATION:

Currently striving to earn a degree from the Cairo University for the Sexually Reformed to become a Professional Ninja to compensate for his fatal mistakes during his work as a lifeguard.

REFERENCES:

UNICEF (filed at least 40 lawsuits against him to get him pursued by the Interpol for permanently damaging the Sphinx, all to no avail)

Mr. Balaenoptera Musculus, Jr. (internally sodomized blue whale)

PETA (one of the leading animal rights organizations in which his name is blacklisted)
 
Last edited:

BeckyRose1998

PICKLES THE KID
RESUME OF BADRAN

JOB OBJECTIVE:
Desperately hypersexual Egyptian undergraduate looking for ways to satisfy his urges besides sodomizing pillows, humping fish in the Red Sea, and French-kissing tortoises on the beaches of Alexandria. Special preference is given for experienced applicants.*

*Due to a probation order from the Egyptian Association for the Protection of Wildlife, camels and Arabian horses need not apply.

QUALIFICATIONS: Outstanding experience fondling and caressing the flora and fauna of Egypt, especially in the desert. Has handled rattlesnakes, tarantulas, jackals, camels (prior to serving jail time and subsequently being placed on probation), papyrus plants, cottonseeds, and sugarcane. Survived two hospitalizations after botched contact with cacti. Currently blacklisted in 345 animal rights organizations in 150 different countries.

WORK HISTORY:

Apprentice Archaeologist at the Egyptian Association for Heritage and Culture — Spent some time leading tourists around landmarks and photographing the nonexistent genitalia of 30-feet-tall ancient Egyptian statues. Left the job after getting warned that consistent humping may completely erode the Sphinx by 2057.

Secondary Lifeguard at the Alexandria Beach for the Sexually Deprived — Rescued at least 60 people from drowning due to going after tortoises into the sea. His tendency to get swallowed by blue whales and get intimate with their internal organs earned him fame respectively as "Badran magna cum laude" and "The Sexiest Man in the Mediterranean (Below Sea Level)". Was arrested and served jail time for negligence following an incident when he got too busy swooning over a shark to rescue an old man who drowned after chasing a school of fish underwater.

EDUCATION:

Currently striving to earn a degree from the Cairo University for the Sexually Reformed to become a Professional Ninja to compensate for his fatal mistakes during his work as a lifeguard.

REFERENCES:

UNICEF (filed at least 40 lawsuits against him to get him pursued by the Interpol for permanently damaging the Sphinx, all to no avail)

Mr. Balaenoptera Musculus, Jr. (internally sodomized blue whale)

PETA (one of the leading animal rights organizations in which his name is blacklisted)
Tortoises bite. I learned the hard way.
~Gwen Tortoise Bites Friend's Finger~ - YouTube
That's my finger. :facepalm:
 

The Neo Nerd

Well-Known Member
RESUME OF Quaxotic



JOB OBJECTIVE Busty redhead who has a clothing optional policy. Must be intelligent, strong willed and not take me seriously.

QUALIFICATIONS: Tall, strong and furry. Having pleasured more than one woman at the same time (on multiple occassions) and fully satisfying a nymphomaniac, i believe i am the perfect man to make your eyes roll into the back of your head.

WORK HISTORY See above

EDUCATION: Learnt by experimentation ;)

REFERENCES: Any women looking dishevelled and walking stiffly is likely to be able to help you with a reference.
 

Sunstone

De Diablo Del Fora
Premium Member


How you managed to pull off such a thing given my limited errr... material, is beyond me. Patriotic erection every time I see HM on the telly - hahaha!

Ah man, where do you get this stuff?! :D

I'm so glad you liked it! I honestly don't know where this stuff is coming from. Like much other writing, it's ultimately a mystery where the words come from. I suppose though, that some of it might be from jokes I've across long ago and have all but forgotten. That's happened to me at times, I think.
 

Sunstone

De Diablo Del Fora
Premium Member
For someone who has never been to England you did a pretty good job with both CV's. I actually thought you may have visited before.

I don't suppose I'm quite yet an anglophile, but there's much I admire about the English. Certainly not the native cuisine, though. I think Cecil Rhodes might have spoken for me when he said something along the lines of, "People say I left Britain for the chance to earn my way in the world. In truth, it was to escape the bloody cold lamb."
 

Wherenextcolumbus

Well-Known Member
I don't suppose I'm quite yet an anglophile, but there's much I admire about the English. Certainly not the native cuisine, though. I think Cecil Rhodes might have spoken for me when he said something along the lines of, "People say I left Britain for the chance to earn my way in the world. In truth, it was to escape the bloody cold lamb."

yeah, the good old dodgy pub lunch we are so famous for.
 
Top