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How are you doing right now?
- Thread starter Spiderman
- Start date
Deathbydefault
Apistevist Asexual Atheist
I'm doing about normal, don't know if it's good or bad.
Had a delicious breakfast, played some morning games, got my sister up to shower before school.
All in all, I say it's been pretty okay, might catch some sleep later on before work.
I've waken up at 5:00am for ECT again. So far ECT is indescribable but it seems to be helping. I'm very fond of the barbiturate they give
Shock therapy, was it? Does it work out well? I've been told it's effects are fairly long lasting.
Its 12:20 pm UK time and I just got back from the dentist. I need a filling and a scaling and I'm actually ok with that.
However, I'm pissed because the less than five minute conversation with the dentists is the first "adult" interaction I've had in months where I am both expected and in a position to make my own decisions. It just highlights how much I am infantialized by my parents and yet expected to bend over backwards for their every panic, anxiety, compulsion and tantrum in an environment where I can't make decisions at all because they will sabotage it with the pathological toxicity of their "good intentions" and so I involuntarily bury my own anger only for it to come out in my politics or intellectual life.
I know its an abusive relationship but the alternative is homelessness or involuntary confinement in mental institution. The other options would involve getting taken away from them by social services if that is possible. But that only makes it worse, not better. No job. No independent source of income. No freinds. No social life. No ability to travel unless I either have money for the bus or get my parents to drive me with the car. No ability to express my own opinions or emotions without it being treated as aggression. No ability to act independently without prior consultation with my ****wit parents so it fits in their schedule. I'm barely in a position to chose what I eat unless I buy it for myself upto a week in advance. And now I will spend the next few months wondering why I feel so miserable and extreme because I will go back to "pretending everything is fine" and repress the anger because the only "improvement" to this is getting a job locally in a dead end rural dung heap which I'm massively over qualified and paid minimum wage. Getting benifits only ties my hands with the government and reduces my options further to figure out how to manage the mental symptoms and causes of depression.
The desire to hit them over the head with a shovel will pass. So Just another average day fighting what I politely call "depression".
However, I'm pissed because the less than five minute conversation with the dentists is the first "adult" interaction I've had in months where I am both expected and in a position to make my own decisions. It just highlights how much I am infantialized by my parents and yet expected to bend over backwards for their every panic, anxiety, compulsion and tantrum in an environment where I can't make decisions at all because they will sabotage it with the pathological toxicity of their "good intentions" and so I involuntarily bury my own anger only for it to come out in my politics or intellectual life.
I know its an abusive relationship but the alternative is homelessness or involuntary confinement in mental institution. The other options would involve getting taken away from them by social services if that is possible. But that only makes it worse, not better. No job. No independent source of income. No freinds. No social life. No ability to travel unless I either have money for the bus or get my parents to drive me with the car. No ability to express my own opinions or emotions without it being treated as aggression. No ability to act independently without prior consultation with my ****wit parents so it fits in their schedule. I'm barely in a position to chose what I eat unless I buy it for myself upto a week in advance. And now I will spend the next few months wondering why I feel so miserable and extreme because I will go back to "pretending everything is fine" and repress the anger because the only "improvement" to this is getting a job locally in a dead end rural dung heap which I'm massively over qualified and paid minimum wage. Getting benifits only ties my hands with the government and reduces my options further to figure out how to manage the mental symptoms and causes of depression.
The desire to hit them over the head with a shovel will pass. So Just another average day fighting what I politely call "depression".
Doing good birthday ed for 2 days now,
just a little tipsy, good scotch ...
time to crawl into my cosey waterbed
just a little tipsy, good scotch ...
time to crawl into my cosey waterbed
Looking forward to a bit'o sun today!
Luciferi Baphomet
Lucifer, is my Liberator
Just woke up now because of my daughter lol.
It is 6:14am right now.
It is 6:14am right now.
Spiderman
Veteran Member
Shock therapy works. It doesn't work miracles but it does help depression and psychosis
Spiderman
Veteran Member
Is your daughter a devotee of Lucifer?
Spiderman
Veteran Member
I'm sorry to hear that...I on the other hand am homeless and my parents are in another state. I haven't seen them in years. I've got the opposite problem as you
After replying to the thread, I was so angry I got the bus to the nearest market town and closed a savings account down and moved the money into my current account. My dad gave that money to me in the savings account as an emergency fund in case both of my parents died to cover expenses before the wills would go through after a health scare. It was a rare moment of charity but is primarily so my dad could control events after his own death basically. Its a really twisted kind of "giving" with conditions attached so its not as "loving" as if first sounds. it is legally my money so I've moved it without telling him.
If/when he finds out, I'll deal with the row as it comes, but right now the "chains" feel a little bit looser. Its the difference between having to consult with my dad about jobs, etc and him therefore all but deciding what I can do and being able to do it myself. Its effectively the only solution I can think of at present. Getting a job is next up the list. Moving out comes after.
I'm sorry there isn't as simple way for you to get out the situation you are currently in. But if it helps, you posting this thread got me off my *** to do it and I bought myself a nice sandwich as a treat after. So thanks. I didn't let it go to waste. Its the little things that get us through.
P.s. Big hug btw.
Jumi
Well-Known Member
It sucks the life from you being dependent on handouts. Do you have any vocational programs there you could get into?
Spiderman
Veteran Member
((Hugsss)) Glad I could help. It is sad to me that such a fine person should be a communist, howeverAfter replying to the thread, I was so angry I got the bus to the nearest market town and closed a savings account down and moved the money into my current account. My dad gave that money to me in the savings account as an emergency fund in case both of my parents died to cover expenses before the wills would go through after a health scare. It was a rare moment of charity but is primarily so my dad could control events after his own death basically. Its a really twisted kind of "giving" with conditions attached so its not as "loving" as if first sounds. it is legally my money so I've moved it without telling him.
If/when he finds out, I'll deal with the row as it comes, but right now the "chains" feel a little bit looser. Its the difference between having to consult with my dad about jobs, etc and him therefore all but deciding what I can do and being able to do it myself. Its effectively the only solution I can think of at present. Getting a job is next up the list. Moving out comes after.
I'm sorry there isn't as simple way for you to get out the situation you are currently in. But if it helps, you posting this thread got me off my *** to do it and I bought myself a nice sandwich as a treat after. So thanks. I didn't let it go to waste. Its the little things that get us through.
P.s. Big hug btw.
I hope you find the happiness you are seeking.
So I'm confused because...
I claim welfare as I can't find work. I recently recieved a letter saying that my money is going to be stopped because I didn't fill in and return this letter/form they sent. There's a reason for that: they never sent one. So at the top of this letter it says my money payment is stopping, but at the bottom it says my money payment may be stopped if I don't send back the form they never sent by the 19th February.
Just another day at the DWP.
I claim welfare as I can't find work. I recently recieved a letter saying that my money is going to be stopped because I didn't fill in and return this letter/form they sent. There's a reason for that: they never sent one. So at the top of this letter it says my money payment is stopping, but at the bottom it says my money payment may be stopped if I don't send back the form they never sent by the 19th February.
Just another day at the DWP.
No. I'm a graduate so I'm effectively over qualified and the fact its a really rural area limits whats avaliable greatly. I did try that route a few years ago and ended up in an interview for the local planning authority. They actually said I was overqualified for it (and this was before I finished my degree with the open university) If I had got it I would have actually been poorer as the money from the internship wouldn't even cover the bus fare.
((Hugsss)) Glad I could help. It is sad to me that such a fine person should be a communist, however
As your homeless, I think perhaps you may understand how much effort it is getting through one day to the next. Depression is the same. It takes an inhuman willingness to keep going almost to the point of cruelty. You have to get up off the ground after you take a hit. You can't stay down even if you just want it to end there and then. You have to ignore what other people think and say when they put you down even when you want their support and want them to like you. You have to tell yourself your life matters more than what people think of you. Every day you keep going and survive, or even find something that makes you happy. By doing so you defy societies expectations and you have to essentially believe in miracles to do it.
If I'd been realistic or rational I would have committed suicide many years ago, especially if you told me I was going to be in this limbo for over eight years. Here I am and I still keep going. I am mentally ill but being crazy was necessary. Sanity wasn't good enough. Perhaps under different circumstances, I would have been religious and I know the similarities are there. But I came out a communist. It just hit the spot for making me feel empowered and giving me that dellusional level of self belief to ignore reality and get theough the day. As a belief system Its ugly, its evil, its probably not for everyone and it may not even be true- but telling yourself you have to keep going is more important. Communism isn't great and I know its limitations after so many years but its weathered me through the storms. It was just the psychological life raft I had at the time. Wanting to keep going is too important to be realistic. You'll probably know what I mean.
Luciferi Baphomet
Lucifer, is my Liberator
She is only 1.
Luciferi Baphomet
Lucifer, is my Liberator
What is that?
Spiderman
Veteran Member
Yessir! Very insightful! I'm drawn more to fascism as practiced in Spain by Dictator Franco. In the end communists go so far left and fascists go so far right I think they meet eachotherNo. I'm a graduate so I'm effectively over qualified and the fact its a really rural area limits whats avaliable greatly. I did try that route a few years ago and ended up in an interview for the local planning authority. They actually said I was overqualified for it (and this was before I finished my degree with the open university) If I had got it I would have actually been poorer as the money from the internship wouldn't even cover the bus fare.
As your homeless, I think perhaps you may understand how much effort it is getting through one day to the next. Depression is the same. It takes an inhuman willingness to keep going almost to the point of cruelty. You have to get up off the ground after you take a hit. You can't stay down even if you just want it to end there and then. You have to ignore what other people think and say when they put you down even when you want their support and want them to like you. You have to tell yourself your life matters more than what people think of you. Every day you keep going and survive, or even find something that makes you happy. By doing so you defy societies expectations and you have to essentially believe in miracles to do it.
If I'd been realistic or rational I would have committed suicide many years ago, especially if you told me I was going to be in this limbo for over eight years. Here I am and I still keep going. I am mentally ill but being crazy was necessary. Sanity wasn't good enough. Perhaps under different circumstances, I would have been religious and I know the similarities are there. But I came out a communist. It just hit the spot for making me feel empowered and giving me that dellusional level of self belief to ignore reality and get theough the day. As a belief system Its ugly, its evil, its probably not for everyone and it may not even be true- but telling yourself you have to keep going is more important. Communism isn't great and I know its limitations after so many years but its weathered me through the storms. It was just the psychological life raft I had at the time. Wanting to keep going is too important to be realistic. You'll probably know what I mean.
Spiderman
Veteran Member
they knock me out with barbiturates and zap me till I have a grand-mal seizure