How do/would you practicaly perceive adultery for your personal life?

[Smart_Guy]

Hello again. Time to throw more of my weird threads at you. It's a serious matter to me tho.

Let's start with a definition. According to your friend Google, adultery is defined as: "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse."

Let's say you're married and your spouse wants to have explicit sex with total/random strangers, or maybe wants to be a porn star performing in hardcore sex. Do you take it as acceptable or unacceptable, as in be fine with it or not? Would you openly be fine with it as in admitting it to others, normally socializing with the chosen adultery partners of your spouse with all cards clearly uncovered, see your spouse in a hardcore porn video with someone knowing the performer is your spouse and normally talk about it, etc?

On the other hand, would you do it, as opposed to being fine with your spouse as said above, and would you consider the feelings of your spouse beforehand?

In case of already having blood children, would it be different?

Is it actually happening with you already? You think you can share the experience with us? Simple yes or no question are enough here.

Thank you for sharing.

Edit:
I voted "unacceptable" by the way.

Edit:
Please keep in mind that this thread heavily concerns "married" status.

 

[Sunstone]

I would not get into anything less than an open relationship. I have little or no desire for myself, or my partner, to be stifled and suffocated by monogamy.

 

[Kori]

Don't some consider adultery to be also be sex outside of marriage? I do not find it acceptable while married. Loyalty is needed, loyalty is a must.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Don't some consider adultery to be also be sex outside of marriage?

As in two single unmarried people, to each other or anyone else, have sex? That more of fornication. Adultery happens to married people, as far as I know.

 

[Kori]

As in two single unmarried people, to each other or anyone else, have sex? That more of fornication. Adultery happens to married people, as far as I know.

If I was with a woman that had no problem with another woman joining in at the same time then it would be ok for me because my wife not only wouldn't mind but enjoy it. But if it was done in secret and it was betrayal then it is not ok. Keep in mind in the West and to Pagans like me we are more open about sex than others. It can be complicated. Plus people that are bi also makes things complicated.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Unacceptable. I expect monogamy and to be exclusive life mates with someone. Otherwise, I will just be alone.

 

[LuisDantas]

I used to live for about two decades in a place (I refuse to call it a city) where adultery was more common than boy scouts, and arguably an actual necessity.

I have some trouble with the OP and the thread itself. As usual, I am just not very good with dichotomic polls. But let's go for some specifics.

- First of all: marriages are not all equally valid, far from it. Some are arrangements of beauty and mutual blessing, nothing short of sacred. Some are unholy arrangements of mutual offense and intentional misery. A very large territory exists between those two extremes, and a lot of marriages are found somewhere there.

- Many situations that are technically adultery are at a closer look almost or even entirely mutual agreements. An unfortunately high number of marriages ends up becoming deadlock situations where neither person quite manages to either dissolve the partnership for good nor to heal it into a nurturing, worthwhile relationship. When that happens, it is common for some sort of (usualy informal) boundaries to be established so that both people have some measure of personal space and can keep their sanity. Those are often very difficult situations and IMO almost impossible for someone in the outside to truly understand. I don't doubt that some of those are genuinely happy, if still complicated or at least complex.

- While "serial adulterers" do exist, they are not necessarily typical. Many other forms of adultery exist, with varying degrees of intent, self-control and conflict. It is not too unusual to find or at least learn of couples that are at least superficially quite ok with it and even find it exciting to the point of actively pursuing it in full cooperation with each other. I don't think that it is a particularly safe or healthy way of living, but I assume that it will vary a lot from one situation to the next.

- The degree of secrecy in adultery will also vary considerably. Most people seem to want to make it a secret, at least from their own children. But even that is not a safe assumption.

- Adultery is actually something of a marriage-saver, although it can clearly also destroy marriages. People who betray their marriage vows and learn from it enough to reevaluate their goals and priorities and even make a failed marriage worth keeping are so common that the scenario has become something of a cliche. I am not saying that it is a safe activity, quite on the contrary. But it may be helpful in some not circunstances that are not at all rare.

 

[LuisDantas]

Don't some consider adultery to be also be sex outside of marriage? I do not find it acceptable while married. Loyalty is needed, loyalty is a must.

Far as I know, that is the difference between fornication and marriage. By definition, adultery can only happen when at least one of the people involved is married.

 

[LuisDantas]

Do you take it as acceptable or unacceptable, as in be fine with it or not?

I do not find it acceptable while married. Loyalty is needed, loyalty is a must.

it would be ok for me because my wife not only wouldn't mind but enjoy it. But if it was done in secret and it was betrayal then it is not ok.

These remind me of an important consideration: betrayal of trust between spouses is very much a serious matter. That may easily mean that sexual intimacy with other people is a big deal, but that is not always or necessarily the case. There are other, perhaps more significant, forms of betrayal of trust, and there are people who don't always mind lacking exclusivity on sexual intimacy with their spouses.

Loving, respectful physical intimacy with one's spouse can be a marvelous, sublime thing. But couples won't always find that the most important thing between them, nor will they always find exclusivity a necessary or even desirable quality of that intimacy.

For the most part, that is their call to make. People will feel what they feel.

 

[Smart_Guy]

I used to live for about two decades in a place (I refuse to call it a city) where adultery was more common than boy scouts, and arguably an actual necessity.

I have some trouble with the OP and the thread itself. As usual, I am just not very good with dichotomic polls. But let's go for some specifics.

- First of all: marriages are not all equally valid, far from it. Some are arrangements of beauty and mutual blessing, nothing short of sacred. Some are unholy arrangements of mutual offense and intentional misery. A very large territory exists between those two extremes, and a lot of marriages are found somewhere there.

- Many situations that are technically adultery are at a closer look almost or even entirely mutual agreements. An unfortunately high number of marriages ends up becoming deadlock situations where neither person quite manages to either dissolve the partnership for good nor to heal it into a nurturing, worthwhile relationship. When that happens, it is common for some sort of (usualy informal) boundaries to be established so that both people have some measure of personal space and can keep their sanity. Those are often very difficult situations and IMO almost impossible for someone in the outside to truly understand. I don't doubt that some of those are genuinely happy, if still complicated or at least complex.

- While "serial adulterers" do exist, they are not necessarily typical. Many other forms of adultery exist, with varying degrees of intent, self-control and conflict. It is not too unusual to find or at least learn of couples that are at least superficially quite ok with it and even find it exciting to the point of actively pursuing it in full cooperation with each other. I don't think that it is a particularly safe or healthy way of living, but I assume that it will vary a lot from one situation to the next.

- The degree of secrecy in adultery will also vary considerably. Most people seem to want to make it a secret, at least from their own children. But even that is not a safe assumption.

- Adultery is actually something of a marriage-saver, although it can clearly also destroy marriages. People who betray their marriage vows and learn from it enough to reevaluate their goals and priorities and even make a failed marriage worth keeping are so common that the scenario has become something of a cliche. I am not saying that it is a safe activity, quite on the contrary. But it may be helpful in some not circunstances that are not at all rare.

Sorry, I tried to make the poll as straight forward as possible. I assure you tho that the thread is about wanting to know how other cultures are different than or relate to mine, or other people to myself.

 

[LuisDantas]

Sorry, I tried to make the poll as straight forward as possible. I assure you tho that the thread is about wanting to know how other cultures are different than or relate to mine, or other people to myself.

That all goes without saying, and I find both the subject matter and the effort to probe into it very much worthy and well done.

It just turns out that real life is often difficult to even describe or classify in an accurate matter.

I sort of wish life would conform to simple yes/no questions. But the fact remains that it largely does not.

 

[Kori]

Sorry, I tried to make the poll as straight forward as possible. I assure you tho that the thread is about wanting to know how other cultures are different than or relate to mine, or other people to myself.

The one thing about the West and other Religions are they can have honor and loyalty, or not. Some places it is more acceptable to be a Tom Cat. Some places it is fine for even a woman to sleep around, maybe it's culture, maybe the husband just doesn't care. The whole world can be loving or screwed up. It depends.

 

[LuisDantas]

Come to think of it, I feel that much of the loss from adultery are the needs for secrecy and lies.

A loving relationship is a precious conquest. Something to be celebrated and shared. Couples should not feel hesitation to openly display their attraction and enthusiasm for each other, albeit with an eye to how confortable onlookers might feel.

Having to keep a secret of such warm feelings is quite a downer and IMO unhealthy. Actually having to lie about it is even worse.

Those are good reasons to question the wisdom of making a taboo out of adultery.

 

[Jumi]

Depends on what the married couples agreed to. If either one was forced into marriage, the contract is null and void to my mind. They have no responsibility towards the other, because they didn't get married of their own will anyway. But if they've agreed to honoring it then it's no one's business to try disrupt them.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Depends on what the married couples agreed to. If either one was forced into marriage, the contract is null and void to my mind. They have no responsibility towards the other, because they didn't get married of their own will anyway. But if they've agreed to honoring it then it's no one's business to try disrupt them.

The thread is about one's own life and their opinion in it actually, and naturally with normal cases, but good info to share tho

 

[Jumi]

For myself only I'm monogamous and not interested in adultery.

 

[ADigitalArtist]

I have no problems ideologically with open relationships but I'm not interested in one. My partner and I are both clear with each other that we desire monogamy.

 

[Madhuri]

I think that like many things, adultery is not so black and white. There are instances where I can understand why someone would have an affair. However, for the most part, I think it is a terrible thing.

Other than the fact that I highly value monogamy for myself personally, I consider trust to be extremely important in a relationship. If my partner is not trustworthy, I do not want to be in a relationship with him. I also do not want to risk getting infections and diseases which are becoming more and more rampant (seriously, it's really scary how common they are).

The only instance in which I think that it is ok to not be monogamous is when the couple have an open relationship. This means there is no breaking of trust. However, I think that this sort of relationships can only work for some few people. For many, it leads to complications which ultimately destroy the relationship.

I voted "unacceptable" because it is something I could not enjoy doing and something I could not tolerate in a partner doing.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

I don't think I'd be comfortable to have an open relationship with a man under male supremacy, as I don't believe it's an even playing field.
(But I'm not interested in dating men anyway)
I would consider having an open relationship with a woman, only open to other women if that's what she wanted. I'm willing to have an open dialogue about what both of us are comfortable and uncomfortable with. When I'm besotted with someone I find it's quite easy for me to be monogamous so I'm flexible depending on my partner's needs.

 

[LuisDantas]

Depends on what the married couples agreed to. If either one was forced into marriage, the contract is null and void to my mind. They have no responsibility towards the other, because they didn't get married of their own will anyway. But if they've agreed to honoring it then it's no one's business to try disrupt them.

Don't you mean that they have no responsibility towards the expectations of whoever forced them?