How Do You Personally Process Romantic Feelings?

[Debater Slayer]

Throughout my life, I have had romantic feelings for three people, all of whom had been close friends with me beforehand. I'm still close friends (even closer than before) with two of them, but I'm no longer friends with the third one, for reasons that are unrelated to the feelings I had.

One thing that I assumed was the norm up until a few years ago was my tendency to completely move on when I saw a logical reason that a relationship wouldn't work out, such as unrequited feelings, physical distance (e.g., living in two different countries), personal incompatibilities, a lack of interest in a relationship from either of us, etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this tendency is almost robotic in its detachment, to the point where I've discussed it with my last two therapists to try to understand it more. Essentially, seeing a reason that things wouldn't work out is like a switch for me: once it is hit, I simply move on, and that's it. This is a large part of why I'm still close friends with two of the people for whom I had such feelings.

For better or worse, it's rare for me to have romantic feelings for anyone in the first place, but even when it happens, I don't become emotionally dependent on them or attached to the point of being heartbroken if things don't work out. I have no doubt that part of this is due to having spent many years without any close friends and having to be emotionally self-sufficient. Nowadays, I have several close friends, and I treasure their friendship, but we're in each other's lives because we want to be, not because we would be devastated or dysfunctional if we weren't.

Both therapists I've talked to about this have said that it is a combination of my background (which I elaborated on above) and having a thinking pattern that is extremely oriented toward analytical and logical reasoning, sometimes to a fault (e.g., when it feeds into overthinking). Still, sometimes I wonder whether this detachment from and ability to move on from romantic feelings is overall a positive or a negative. It's not that I wouldn't cherish a romantic partner; it's just that I wouldn't be devastated if things didn't work out.

I just wanted to share this in a journal and perhaps get some thoughts on it. I'm also interested to know how other members process romantic feelings as well as moving on from those.

 

[JustGeorge]

I'd say the way you process romantic feelings is a positive.

They're hard, if not impossible, for many folks to turn those feelings off, even when its detrimental to their life in general.

 

[ChristineM]

I've only had romantic feelings for 2 (perhaps 3) people. My husband and a lover. I was heartbroken when lover and I split, although it was amicable and we still visit each other it was damn hard on me.

I don't know how you do it but it sounds ideal to me.

Oh, the third was a woman that i only knew for a few months, not really a romantic relationship though i loved her deeply. She had beautiful mind, I was heartbroken when she died.

 

[PureX]

Throughout my life, I have had romantic feelings for three people, all of whom had been close friends with me beforehand. I'm still close friends (even closer than before) with two of them, but I'm no longer friends with the third one, for reasons that are unrelated to the feelings I had.

One thing that I assumed was the norm up until a few years ago was my tendency to completely move on when I saw a logical reason that a relationship wouldn't work out, such as unrequited feelings, physical distance (e.g., living in two different countries), personal incompatibilities, a lack of interest in a relationship from either of us, etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this tendency is almost robotic in its detachment, to the point where I've discussed it with my last two therapists to try to understand it more. Essentially, seeing a reason that things wouldn't work out is like a switch for me: once it is hit, I simply move on, and that's it. This is a large part of why I'm still close friends with two of the people for whom I had such feelings.

For better or worse, it's rare for me to have romantic feelings for anyone in the first place, but even when it happens, I don't become emotionally dependent on them or attached to the point of being heartbroken if things don't work out. I have no doubt that part of this is due to having spent many years without any close friends and having to be emotionally self-sufficient. Nowadays, I have several close friends, and I treasure their friendship, but we're in each other's lives because we want to be, not because we would be devastated or dysfunctional if we weren't.

Both therapists I've talked to about this have said that it is a combination of my background (which I elaborated on above) and having a thinking pattern that is extremely oriented toward analytical and logical reasoning, sometimes to a fault (e.g., when it feeds into overthinking). Still, sometimes I wonder whether this detachment from and ability to move on from romantic feelings is overall a positive or a negative. It's not that I wouldn't cherish a romantic partner; it's just that I wouldn't be devastated if things didn't work out.

I just wanted to share this in a journal and perhaps get some thoughts on it. I'm also interested to know how other members process romantic feelings as well as moving on from those.

I am curious if you're looking to try and change this about yourself or not. Does it make you unhappy?

I'm past the age where this sort of thing matters much. I'm very emotionally self-sufficient and content. So friendships are my main concern. And I feel this is a positive achievement. Not something I need to fix or surpass.

 

[metis]

There are two women who I loved dearly and who changed my life. One was when we were sophomores at Western Michigan University whereas we went together for 5 months but then she dropped me. However, fate brought us back together during our senior year, and we both fell very much in love with one another. However, I had another girlfriend I loved very much, and I had no clue how this was going to work out.

Mother Nature decided for us.

However, I still love them both, and they changed my life in ways I could never have anticipated.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I am curious if you're looking to try and change this about yourself or not. Does it make you unhappy?

No, it doesn't make me unhappy at all. I've wondered whether it would be more helpful or unhelpful if I wanted to pursue a relationship, though. I'm aware that some people might feel like I didn't really love them because of the emotional independence. I suppose the perception could depend on how the other person evaluated this specific trait.

I'm past the age where this sort of thing matters much. I'm very emotionally self-sufficient and content. So friendships are my main concern. And I feel this is a positive achievement. Not something I need to fix or surpass.

Friendships are my main concern, too. I deeply value them and find that they make life much more enjoyable and fulfilling.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I've only had romantic feelings for 2 (perhaps 3) people. My husband and a lover. I was heartbroken when lover and I split, although it was amicable and we still visit each other it was damn hard on me.

I don't know how you do it but it sounds ideal to me.

Oh, the third was a woman that i only knew for a few months, not really a romantic relationship though i loved her deeply. She had beautiful mind, I was heartbroken when she died.

I'm sorry for your loss. That must have been difficult.

I don't actively try to move on or anything of the sort, because I have never needed to; it happens on its own once I become convinced that things wouldn't work out. As I said, it's literally like a switch, with an almost robotic consistency to it.

 

[PureX]

No, it doesn't make me unhappy at all. I've wondered whether it would be more helpful or unhelpful if I wanted to pursue a relationship, though. I'm aware that some people might feel like I didn't really love them because of the emotional independence. I suppose the perception could depend on how the other person evaluated this specific trait.

Friendships are my main concern, too. I deeply value them and find that they make life much more enjoyable and fulfilling.

I think that as you know this about yourself, the key is to simply be upfront and honest about it with others. Some people would greatly appreciate having an analytically-minded friend while others may not. And you can let that be their choice.

 

[Revoltingest]

Eat bacon til they go away.
No romance needed.

 

[JustGeorge]

Eat bacon til they go away.
No romance needed.

Was your wife the woman who sat down and consumed bacon with you?

 

[Revoltingest]

Was your wife the woman who sat down and consumed bacon with you?

Oh, I was much younger then.
And I had....uh....what were they
called....hormones....yes, that's it.

 

[Koldo]

Throughout my life, I have had romantic feelings for three people, all of whom had been close friends with me beforehand. I'm still close friends (even closer than before) with two of them, but I'm no longer friends with the third one, for reasons that are unrelated to the feelings I had.

One thing that I assumed was the norm up until a few years ago was my tendency to completely move on when I saw a logical reason that a relationship wouldn't work out, such as unrequited feelings, physical distance (e.g., living in two different countries), personal incompatibilities, a lack of interest in a relationship from either of us, etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this tendency is almost robotic in its detachment, to the point where I've discussed it with my last two therapists to try to understand it more. Essentially, seeing a reason that things wouldn't work out is like a switch for me: once it is hit, I simply move on, and that's it. This is a large part of why I'm still close friends with two of the people for whom I had such feelings.

For better or worse, it's rare for me to have romantic feelings for anyone in the first place, but even when it happens, I don't become emotionally dependent on them or attached to the point of being heartbroken if things don't work out. I have no doubt that part of this is due to having spent many years without any close friends and having to be emotionally self-sufficient. Nowadays, I have several close friends, and I treasure their friendship, but we're in each other's lives because we want to be, not because we would be devastated or dysfunctional if we weren't.

Both therapists I've talked to about this have said that it is a combination of my background (which I elaborated on above) and having a thinking pattern that is extremely oriented toward analytical and logical reasoning, sometimes to a fault (e.g., when it feeds into overthinking).

The key part here though is that you are very pragmatic on this part of your life. If not for that, you wouldn't turn out this way. Because no ammount of emotional self-sufficiency and logical thinking pattern, in themselves, is going to make the romantic feelings go away. Just to clarify: This is not meant as criticism, just an observation given what you have expounded. If anything, your approach just might be ideal.

Still, sometimes I wonder whether this detachment from and ability to move on from romantic feelings is overall a positive or a negative. It's not that I wouldn't cherish a romantic partner; it's just that I wouldn't be devastated if things didn't work out.

Have you ever been in a long-term relationship? If yes, has your partner ever mentioned you seem detached from the relationship?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

One thing that I assumed was the norm up until a few years ago was my tendency to completely move on when I saw a logical reason that a relationship wouldn't work out, such as unrequited feelings, physical distance (e.g., living in two different countries), personal incompatibilities, a lack of interest in a relationship from either of us, etc. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this tendency is almost robotic in its detachment, to the point where I've discussed it with my last two therapists to try to understand it more. Essentially, seeing a reason that things wouldn't work out is like a switch for me: once it is hit, I simply move on, and that's it. This is a large part of why I'm still close friends with two of the people for whom I had such feelings.

I wonder how much of this is certain vs how much of this is a presumption? For example, how certain can you be that there would be unrequited feelings, or that the personal incompatibilities would weigh greater than the compatibility? Have you ever attempted dates with these people you've had feelings for and came to these conclusions? If so, I would say that if you still have feelings for them after and it is only logic telling you that it wouldn't work out, I would personally say that when it comes to love, feelings:logic ratio can vary from person to person, but I can't help but think feelings will have the higher ratio and to logically make it work has a lot to do with effort and adaptation, and what fuels that effort and adaptation is the feeling of love.

I don't have much experience in romance. I dated someone for a month, I've talked with various women and some I still talk to as friends, one of which i message every day. Like you, I don't get feelings for people often, and I often don't see the relationship going anywhere so I don't put as much effort into it in even the beginning talking stages.

There's probably a balance between getting hung up on someone and being detached, but imo when it comes to romance, it isn't a bad thing to let our feelings guide us, as long as we are being mindful of our well being as well.

 

[Guitar's Cry]

When I was in high school I had some intense romantic interests in a couple of girls. One of them ended up with a significantly older man who got her pregnant and they got married. I was pretty heartbroken, and I sometimes still have intense dreams of her. We are still on friendly terms, but have only seen each other a handful of times.

The other I dated after I graduated high school. What I discovered was romantic interest doesn't always follow into a romantic relationship. I enjoyed being with her, but never really loved her like I felt when I was crushing on her.

We broke up when I met my current spouse who, even 20 years later I am head over heels for.

The lesson from the other girl was that the intensity of feelings I have may not translate into what I need in a relationship. This is a useful thought for me when I am pining for a relationship that is not to be.

 

[Debater Slayer]

The key part here though is that you are very pragmatic on this part of your life. If not for that, you wouldn't turn out this way. Because no ammount of emotional self-sufficiency and logical thinking pattern, in themselves, is going to make the romantic feelings go away. Just to clarify: This is not meant as criticism, just an observation given what you have expounded. If anything, your approach just might be ideal.

You're right that I'm pragmatic about it, because I know it would be a painful waste of time to try to pursue a relationship when I knew it wouldn't work out, and if the other person were clearly not interested, it would also be disrespectful toward them and their boundaries.

Have you ever been in a long-term relationship? If yes, has your partner ever mentioned you seem detached from the relationship?

I haven't, mainly because, as I said, I rarely have feelings for anyone, and when I did, there were multiple factors that precluded a relationship.

That said, none of my close friends have ever told me that I've seemed detached. I openly express my feelings with most of them, even. I know that friendships, even close ones, are different from relationships, but my point is that the feedback I've gotten from people in my closer friend circle hasn't remotely indicated that I've seemed to them to be detached.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I wonder how much of this is certain vs how much of this is a presumption? For example, how certain can you be that there would be unrequited feelings, or that the personal incompatibilities would weigh greater than the compatibility? Have you ever attempted dates with these people you've had feelings for and came to these conclusions? If so, I would say that if you still have feelings for them after and it is only logic telling you that it wouldn't work out, I would personally say that when it comes to love, feelings:logic ratio can vary from person to person, but I can't help but think feelings will have the higher ratio and to logically make it work has a lot to do with effort and adaptation, and what fuels that effort and adaptation is the feeling of love.

It depends on the situation. In the three times I've had feelings for someone so far, I've been certain about the incompatibilities every time, partially because I talked about them with the other person and we mutually decided a relationship wouldn't work out. In every case, there were clear reasons precluding a relationship, such as living too far away from each other and being unable to meet at all except maybe years later (if even then).

I wouldn't expect to make a relationship work with "logic only," of course. If that could even be done, I would probably find such a relationship unfulfilling and too dry for my liking. I would want to openly share affection and express feelings with my partner, and vice versa. It's just that if I'm logically convinced that a relationship wouldn't work—even if for an emotional reason such as unrequited feelings—that's all it takes for me to be able to move on.

I don't have much experience in romance. I dated someone for a month, I've talked with various women and some I still talk to as friends, one of which i message every day. Like you, I don't get feelings for people often, and I often don't see the relationship going anywhere so I don't put as much effort into it in even the beginning talking stages.

There's probably a balance between getting hung up on someone and being detached, but imo when it comes to romance, it isn't a bad thing to let our feelings guide us, as long as we are being mindful of our well being as well.

I agree that there's a balance, although I think I should clarify that by "detached," I don't mean being uninterested; far from it. I mean being interested but not needing a relationship with them, which is a sentiment I've seen a lot of people express toward their romantic partners. I've never felt that way toward anyone. I know I will keep going with or without them, and I know my life will go on.

In a nutshell, I would describe it as the difference between wanting to be with someone and feeling like I need to be with them.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It depends on the situation. In the three times I've had feelings for someone so far, I've been certain about the incompatibilities every time, partially because I talked about them with the other person and we mutually decided a relationship wouldn't work out. In every case, there were clear reasons precluding a relationship, such as living too far away from each other and being unable to meet at all except maybe years later (if even then).

I wouldn't expect to make a relationship work with "logic only," of course. If that could even be done, I would probably find such a relationship unfulfilling and too dry for my liking. I would want to openly share affection and express feelings with my partner, and vice versa. It's just that if I'm logically convinced that a relationship wouldn't work—even if for an emotional reason such as unrequited feelings—that's all it takes for me to be able to move on.



I agree that there's a balance, although I think I should clarify that by "detached," I don't mean being uninterested; far from it. I mean being interested but not needing a relationship with them, which is a sentiment I've seen a lot of people express toward their romantic partners. I've never felt that way toward anyone. I know I will keep going with or without them, and I know my life will go on.

In a nutshell, I would describe it as the difference between wanting to be with someone and feeling like I need to be with them.

I was once very obsessed with a former coworker of mine, and it was the first time I've ever felt like 'needing' to be with someone. She was with someone at the time, and I was a bit sloppy at showing affection anyways, and down the line I even ended confessing because I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. She rejected me, and still for a long time after I still felt like I needed her. But at the same time I knew, logically, that I would be fine because I had no choice but to get over it.

And, you're right, a lot of people talk about romance that way. I hear it in so many songs for example, across various genres. I've heard it in real life stories, of people's lives being turned around by their partner and their partner becoming the center of their life. It's safe to say that romance often feels like this.

But I don't think it's necessary. I've never felt the same way about anyone again so far, and I wonder if it's because I learned from that experience to not rely on others for happiness. And I think that's a very healthy thing. It prevents you from sticking with someone who isn't good for you out of attachment, it means you're self reliant, it means you will enjoy time away from your partner as much as time with your partner, and so many more positives.

It all comes down to whether or not you feel, in the moment, the relationship is worth trying for or not, and how far you want to go with it is also how you feel in the moment. I don't think there's a right way or a wrong way.

Just my opinion.

 

[Koldo]

You're right that I'm pragmatic about it, because I know it would be a painful waste of time to try to pursue a relationship when I knew it wouldn't work out, and if the other person were clearly not interested, it would also be disrespectful toward them and their boundaries.

Sure, but pursuing a romantic relationship with someone and nurturing romantic feelings towards them are separated, although related, things. The latter can happen without the former, and I dare say it more easily happens without the former.

I haven't, mainly because, as I said, I rarely have feelings for anyone, and when I did, there were multiple factors that precluded a relationship.

Got it.

That said, none of my close friends have ever told me that I've seemed detached. I openly express my feelings with most of them, even. I know that friendships, even close ones, are different from relationships, but my point is that the feedback I've gotten from people in my closer friend circle hasn't remotely indicated that I've seemed to them to be detached.

I am asking because I wonder if you are also this pragmatic within a romantic relationship, where while still healthy might cause problems.