I could use some advice with regards to my mother if you have the time

[Phasmid]

My mum seems to be quite a lonely person despite having a family. She seems to work or do chores obsessively to... I don't know... feel like her life has some meaning?

Even if I say, "Don't worry I'll do that" I'm either told not to bother or I'll get on with the chore and she'll find another to do.

I know this probably sounds like a typical mother but I'm worried.

She's meant to be going on a holiday with my dad in early September. She told me today that it probably won't be enjoyable because my dad's planned 2 days diving (my mother doesn't do that). So she feels she'll be left out... and I suppose that's the crux of it all... she's left out in everything.

Her sister's got a boyfriend she spends time with rather than with my mother (they used to spend a lot of time together), my sister has too much of an active social life to spend with my mum, and my dad has his own hobbies like diving. It seems all my mother does is cook, clean and generally keep herself busy. When she's not busy she often says she's unhappy... and it really breaks my heart. I don't want her to be that way... when I'm at university, I often think, "I bet she's sat there alone right now feeling sorry for herself"... it's just... really upsetting to think that she's been lonely for so long in her life and now it's continuing, just in another guise. She's one of those people you instantly want to hug because they seem so vulnerable. She's just this little woman who works her heart out and is almost completely invisible to everyone.

Well, I want to change that. But I don't know how. I want my mother to have a happy life. I've decided that when I next get a moment alone with my dad, I will talk to him about the holiday and tell him my concerns.

Other than that I really don't know what to suggest... my sister won't spend any time with her and I'm always about the house anyway... and when I'm not I'm over 100 miles away. I think she should get a hobby where she can spend time with my dad. Or just something where she can meet other people.

Any suggestions? Anyone else have a similar story?

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

It sounds like your Mom has a lot of energy and nothing to focus it on so it all goes to work which can wear a soul down in my opinion. She needs a hobby she can devote her energy to, something she enjoys. This can be hard though because if she is in a pattern or routine she may see this as taking away from work that she thinks is important and she will feel guilty. Start slow, in converstation see if you can discover some things she liked to do when she was your age. Try and collect several ideas for what she might like to do as a hobby before actually bringing the subject up and even then try to ease into it. Something like, "Hey Mom, remember the other day you said you used to like to go hiking, why don't you try that again. I saw some local groups on the internet that go out once a month." She will say no at first and it is important to let it go and just say "Ok, it was just an idea". But the seed will be planted and you ask again in a week or so to see if the seed has grown at all. If not, try a different seed.

I know that sounds like a slow process but getting someone to change a habitual behavior takes a long time and a good bit of effort. Best of luck, I hope my daughter is as thoughtful about her parents as you are about yours. :yes:

 

[.lava]

My mum seems to be quite a lonely person despite having a family. She seems to work or do chores obsessively to... I don't know... feel like her life has some meaning?

Even if I say, "Don't worry I'll do that" I'm either told not to bother or I'll get on with the chore and she'll find another to do.

I know this probably sounds like a typical mother but I'm worried.

She's meant to be going on a holiday with my dad in early September. She told me today that it probably won't be enjoyable because my dad's planned 2 days diving (my mother doesn't do that). So she feels she'll be left out... and I suppose that's the crux of it all... she's left out in everything.

Her sister's got a boyfriend she spends time with rather than with my mother (they used to spend a lot of time together), my sister has too much of an active social life to spend with my mum, and my dad has his own hobbies like diving. It seems all my mother does is cook, clean and generally keep herself busy. When she's not busy she often says she's unhappy... and it really breaks my heart. I don't want her to be that way... when I'm at university, I often think, "I bet she's sat there alone right now feeling sorry for herself"... it's just... really upsetting to think that she's been lonely for so long in her life and now it's continuing, just in another guise. She's one of those people you instantly want to hug because they seem so vulnerable. She's just this little woman who works her heart out and is almost completely invisible to everyone.

Well, I want to change that. But I don't know how. I want my mother to have a happy life. I've decided that when I next get a moment alone with my dad, I will talk to him about the holiday and tell him my concerns.

Other than that I really don't know what to suggest... my sister won't spend any time with her and I'm always about the house anyway... and when I'm not I'm over 100 miles away. I think she should get a hobby where she can spend time with my dad. Or just something where she can meet other people.

Any suggestions? Anyone else have a similar story?

a mother serving entire family and being left alone...that sounds so familiar if you ask me. it is great she has you

i am not an expert on this subject but i would like to share what comes to my mind. love is the main thing. i would tell my om that i love her and i would do things to make her happy. simple things are enough because mothers could see it. i would also talk my sister about the situation because imo when we were kids it was only our parents who took care of us. i believe after we reach certain age it is our turn to take care of our parents. so we could make plans like my sister visits her on Wednesday and i visit her on tuesday. that would change her routine. and when we do that, we should not let her serve us. she should be the one who's served. if she likes pets and if it is not going to be a burden to her, i could have bought her a cat for example. since we are grown ups now maybe she is feeling useless because there is noone depend on her existance. a pet could cure that i think. other than that any kind of hobby could break the chain of her daily routine. talking to my father might not work perfectly but he would try to make changes. yet i would not expect him to skip diving. seems like that kind of hobby is the main thing that's missing. a nice bok to read on holiday sounds good.

well, that's all i can think of. that's sad and i understand how you feel. but seriously, she is so lucky that she has you. so make yourself obvious. i do not know nature of yur mother but maybe telling her how you feel could be good idea. if she is direct, she might tell you what she needs. i hope you find a way out. i feel for you.




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[.lava]

i was expecting to find more answers from wise and mature members of RF.

well, maybe next time




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[jamaesi]

Does she like taking care of others and like animals? Perhaps a companion animal like a dog would help. They provide unconditional love and a friend and dogs love to go out on walks and hikes. She can rescue one from a local shelter (look on Petfinder.com)- even better, getting one with special needs. Of course, bring up the topic with her first, don't drop off some animal on her doorstep.

Has she thought about volunteering somewhere? It's a great way to help others and feel like you have a purpose in life.

 

[rageoftyrael]

It sounds like she doesn't have much in the way of friends. I'm not sure exactly how you could get her some friends, but..... yeah, she needs friends.

 

[Stellify]

I think all of the ideas so far have been good. Animals can be great company, if she likes them. Also, if there are local dog parks, she could take her hypothetical dog and meet people there! I love doing that. It's fun to watch all the dogs act silly with each other, and the people there are all animal lovers and usually really nice!

Although getting a hobby, a part-time job, or doing volunteer work would give her more human interaction and a chance to make new friends and have a social life.
I've known a number of women who were/are always stuck in the house due to family responsibilities and bad health. They did stuff like this to alleviate the loneliness:

working at the library
jewelry making classes (which is a hobby that can be practiced when bored at home, while you're not in class)
book clubs
cooking classes
volunteer work with animals, children, or in retirement homes
working a few hours a week at an art or candle store (smells so nice all the time!)
sewing circles

If she's religious at all, encourage her to do things with that. Volunteer work at the church, helping set up for functions, doing youth group stuff, etc.


I don't know your mom, so I have no idea the kind of things she might like. But good luck! I know how you feel...I was the same way with my mom.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help! :hug:

Has there been any progress since your first post?

 

[Phasmid]

Has there been any progress since your first post?

Unfortunately no... not really. She goes from happy to sad/angry all the time. She expressed an interest in golf... so I've suggested it to her every now and then... but she won't listen.

She has a job, but doesn't get on with many of the people there and we have a dog she walks quite often.

She just seems to become consumed with doing household chores. I mean she's taken a week off from work and she's just been doing relentless housework... she won't stop and it's just causing her stress.

I don't really know what to do. My dad's tried helping too, but he doesn't get through to her any better than I do.

It makes me feel sad for her but at the same time I get angry that she's making me feel so bad even though I've tried to help. I'm always worrying about her and I've had enough.

 

[DallasApple]

(((((Phasmid))))

You dear sweet child..I want to hug YOU ...

I dont know what personality type your mother is but you described her as "invisible"?...

Write her a "love" note from you her son and tell her how much you appreciate her ..In words.Like you have here..but dont talk about being "worried" about her just fill her up with praise and appreciating words.

She would probably love to hear it it may certainly brighten her day..It brithened my day not even knowing you that you care that much about her and her happiness.

Make it a habit to make sure she knows YOU see her ..

Love

Dallas

 

[Alceste]

It sounds like she's depressed. If this mood is a relatively new development I would guess it's a phase she is going through that has something to do with the whole "empty nest" issue (you off at school, you sister off with the boyfriend - won't be long before you have families of your own etc). She's probably struggling to reorient her energy to something other than child-rearing. Plus she is probably having a hard time redefining herself - if she's not going to be a "mother" any more, what is she going to be? All this is natural, and the only remedy for it is time. If she has no previous history of depression it is pretty likely she will pull out of it herself once she has adjusted to you and your sister being grown up. After a couple of decades spending most of your time and energy fulfilling the needs of others (kids), it must be very tough to adapt to not feeling as if you are needed by anyone any more.

So, give her time. Don't pressure her to "snap out of it" by getting a hobby or something. That's one of the worst things you could do, since if she's unhappy it could come off as criticism and a lack of support. Instead of saying "Why don't you take up golfing", take her golfing. Or talk your dad into taking her golfing. If you don't have time to do this, it's probably better not to bring it up, since doing so mainly communicates your discomfort and diapproval of her unhappiness. Her necessary, natural and probably temporary unhappiness, that is.

In the end, it's her job to make herself feel better, which she probably will. Nobody can put up with being miserable for very long without eventually doing something about it, unless there is an underlying medical problem. If you would like to do something for her, just listen to her problems and worries without trying to "fix" them, or cheer her up. Then tell her how much you care about her and appreciate everything she's done for you, and let her know (by words and deeds) you're going to be there for her no matter what.

 

[mimidotcom]

It sounds like she's depressed. If this mood is a relatively new development I would guess it's a phase she is going through that has something to do with the whole "empty nest" issue (you off at school, you sister off with the boyfriend - won't be long before you have families of your own etc). She's probably struggling to reorient her energy to something other than child-rearing. Plus she is probably having a hard time redefining herself - if she's not going to be a "mother" any more, what is she going to be? All this is natural, and the only remedy for it is time. If she has no previous history of depression it is pretty likely she will pull out of it herself once she has adjusted to you and your sister being grown up. After a couple of decades spending most of your time and energy fulfilling the needs of others (kids), it must be very tough to adapt to not feeling as if you are needed by anyone any more.

So, give her time. Don't pressure her to "snap out of it" by getting a hobby or something. That's one of the worst things you could do, since if she's unhappy it could come off as criticism and a lack of support. Instead of saying "Why don't you take up golfing", take her golfing. Or talk your dad into taking her golfing. If you don't have time to do this, it's probably better not to bring it up, since doing so mainly communicates your discomfort and diapproval of her unhappiness. Her necessary, natural and probably temporary unhappiness, that is.

In the end, it's her job to make herself feel better, which she probably will. Nobody can put up with being miserable for very long without eventually doing something about it, unless there is an underlying medical problem. If you would like to do something for her, just listen to her problems and worries without trying to "fix" them, or cheer her up. Then tell her how much you care about her and appreciate everything she's done for you, and let her know (by words and deeds) you're going to be there for her no matter what.

:bow:... great advice!!! very similar to what i would have said.

 

[DallasApple]

It sounds like she's depressed. If this mood is a relatively new development I would guess it's a phase she is going through that has something to do with the whole "empty nest" issue (you off at school, you sister off with the boyfriend - won't be long before you have families of your own etc). She's probably struggling to reorient her energy to something other than child-rearing. Plus she is probably having a hard time redefining herself - if she's not going to be a "mother" any more, what is she going to be? All this is natural, and the only remedy for it is time. If she has no previous history of depression it is pretty likely she will pull out of it herself once she has adjusted to you and your sister being grown up. After a couple of decades spending most of your time and energy fulfilling the needs of others (kids), it must be very tough to adapt to not feeling as if you are needed by anyone any more.

So, give her time. Don't pressure her to "snap out of it" by getting a hobby or something. That's one of the worst things you could do, since if she's unhappy it could come off as criticism and a lack of support. Instead of saying "Why don't you take up golfing", take her golfing. Or talk your dad into taking her golfing. If you don't have time to do this, it's probably better not to bring it up, since doing so mainly communicates your discomfort and diapproval of her unhappiness. Her necessary, natural and probably temporary unhappiness, that is.

In the end, it's her job to make herself feel better, which she probably will. Nobody can put up with being miserable for very long without eventually doing something about it, unless there is an underlying medical problem. If you would like to do something for her, just listen to her problems and worries without trying to "fix" them, or cheer her up. Then tell her how much you care about her and appreciate everything she's done for you, and let her know (by words and deeds) you're going to be there for her no matter what.

I TOTALLY agree with the not pressuring her to "get a hobby" or something.

My kids havent even flown the nest yet but once they got older and didnt need my every minute I was sort of "lost"..It was an adjustment even when my youngest went to kindergarten all day and I had no baby here!

I floundered and I made the mistake of talking about it and EVERYONE said the same thing.."get a hobby..or a 'part time job".OH my favorite.."go volunteer somewhere".I know they meant well ..But I didnt want to go take remodeling classes or get more depressed working in an animal shelter or go work at McDonalds just so they could feel better over the fact I was transitioning.

NOW If I could I would KICK my 19 year old out and have my car back(and an extra room )..I have the grandbaby to worry about from my oldest son..and my DIL who Im her surrogate mother..and my 13 year old that Im sure will do fine..because he is sweet as pie.

I dont want to get a hobby ..I dont want to go get a job..(unless I want to or have to) and I don't want to volunteer because someone else says that good for me.

I kind of like sitting around doing almost nothing and being useless..LOL!!!

Im a GREAT conversasionalist(IMHO) AND I have a hummingbird that comes to my window!

Thats about the only expectaions I want out of me.

Love

Dallas

 

[Stellify]

Unfortunately no... not really. She goes from happy to sad/angry all the time. She expressed an interest in golf... so I've suggested it to her every now and then... but she won't listen.

She has a job, but doesn't get on with many of the people there and we have a dog she walks quite often.

She just seems to become consumed with doing household chores. I mean she's taken a week off from work and she's just been doing relentless housework... she won't stop and it's just causing her stress.

I don't really know what to do. My dad's tried helping too, but he doesn't get through to her any better than I do.

It makes me feel sad for her but at the same time I get angry that she's making me feel so bad even though I've tried to help. I'm always worrying about her and I've had enough.

It sounds like she's trying very hard to distract herself from whatever is bothering her.....
And, if this is a fairly "recent" thing for her, then I very much agree with Alceste's post. I didn't even think of it in the context of "empty nest syndrome" (probably because I'm not anywhere near being a mom) .
If you think this might be why she's depressed, I'm sure the RF moms would be more than happy to give you their input on what would have helped them when their kids started leaving the house.

If it was me, and I was acting so outwardly stressed, I would probably want someone to talk to about it..."hey, you've been seeming really stressed out lately, what's going on? Anything I can do to help?". Sometimes just having someone listen in a compassionate manner can help.
If she's that kind of person, you or your dad could try. Or, if she has someone else as a confidante, they might.

It sounds like she's depressed. If this mood is a relatively new development I would guess it's a phase she is going through that has something to do with the whole "empty nest" issue (you off at school, you sister off with the boyfriend - won't be long before you have families of your own etc). She's probably struggling to reorient her energy to something other than child-rearing. Plus she is probably having a hard time redefining herself - if she's not going to be a "mother" any more, what is she going to be? All this is natural, and the only remedy for it is time. If she has no previous history of depression it is pretty likely she will pull out of it herself once she has adjusted to you and your sister being grown up. After a couple of decades spending most of your time and energy fulfilling the needs of others (kids), it must be very tough to adapt to not feeling as if you are needed by anyone any more.

So, give her time. Don't pressure her to "snap out of it" by getting a hobby or something. That's one of the worst things you could do, since if she's unhappy it could come off as criticism and a lack of support. Instead of saying "Why don't you take up golfing", take her golfing. Or talk your dad into taking her golfing. If you don't have time to do this, it's probably better not to bring it up, since doing so mainly communicates your discomfort and diapproval of her unhappiness. Her necessary, natural and probably temporary unhappiness, that is.

In the end, it's her job to make herself feel better, which she probably will. Nobody can put up with being miserable for very long without eventually doing something about it, unless there is an underlying medical problem. If you would like to do something for her, just listen to her problems and worries without trying to "fix" them, or cheer her up. Then tell her how much you care about her and appreciate everything she's done for you, and let her know (by words and deeds) you're going to be there for her no matter what.

 

[Alceste]

It sounds like she's trying very hard to distract herself from whatever is bothering her.....
And, if this is a fairly "recent" thing for her, then I very much agree with Alceste's post. I didn't even think of it in the context of "empty nest syndrome" (probably because I'm not anywhere near being a mom) .

Me neither - I just have a powerful imagination and a lot of empathy. Putting myself in other people's shoes is a hobby of mine. Plus I've observed a bit of a pattern - women seem to have two big awakenings in life: One somewhere between 25 and 30 when we realize we're the masters of our own destiny - and we would like nothing better than to rush out and make some babies - and another between 50 and 60 when we realize we're the masters of our own destiny... again. Both are usually very positive and rewarding transitions if all goes well, but very difficult emotionally.

 

[Stellify]

Me neither - I just have a powerful imagination and a lot of empathy. Putting myself in other people's shoes is a hobby of mine. Plus I've observed a bit of a pattern - women seem to have two big awakenings in life: One somewhere between 25 and 30 when we realize we're the masters of our own destiny - and we would like nothing better than to rush out and make some babies - and another between 50 and 60 when we realize we're the masters of our own destiny... again. Both are usually very positive and rewarding transitions if all goes well, but very difficult emotionally.

I'm usually pretty good at empathizing with people as well, but...Knowing how mother's react to empty nest stuff and things that happen later in their children's lives isn't something I have much experience with, I'm afraid. My mom passed away due to an illness years ago, and the world of "moms" has become a bit of a mystery to me since then (I was so freaked out when my boyfriend told me he wanted me to hang out with him and his mother haha ). I'm great with helping people figure stuff out if their mom is sick, though! But the more common things elude me, sometimes :cover:

 

[.lava]

It sounds like she's depressed. If this mood is a relatively new development I would guess it's a phase she is going through that has something to do with the whole "empty nest" issue (you off at school, you sister off with the boyfriend - won't be long before you have families of your own etc). She's probably struggling to reorient her energy to something other than child-rearing. Plus she is probably having a hard time redefining herself - if she's not going to be a "mother" any more, what is she going to be? All this is natural, and the only remedy for it is time. If she has no previous history of depression it is pretty likely she will pull out of it herself once she has adjusted to you and your sister being grown up. After a couple of decades spending most of your time and energy fulfilling the needs of others (kids), it must be very tough to adapt to not feeling as if you are needed by anyone any more.

So, give her time. Don't pressure her to "snap out of it" by getting a hobby or something. That's one of the worst things you could do, since if she's unhappy it could come off as criticism and a lack of support. Instead of saying "Why don't you take up golfing", take her golfing. Or talk your dad into taking her golfing. If you don't have time to do this, it's probably better not to bring it up, since doing so mainly communicates your discomfort and diapproval of her unhappiness. Her necessary, natural and probably temporary unhappiness, that is.

In the end, it's her job to make herself feel better, which she probably will. Nobody can put up with being miserable for very long without eventually doing something about it, unless there is an underlying medical problem. If you would like to do something for her, just listen to her problems and worries without trying to "fix" them, or cheer her up. Then tell her how much you care about her and appreciate everything she's done for you, and let her know (by words and deeds) you're going to be there for her no matter what.

good advices i might need them some day. so thanks for sharing. my father is also having difficult time. thanks





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[Katzpur]

Unless I missed it, I didn't see anybody mention that she sounds as if she's clinically depressed. Anti-depressants can change the way in which a person sees the world. I speak from experience. Many people refuse to take them, though. If you think your mother would balk at the suggestion, coming from you, you might consider talking to her doctor about it. Then, assuming she does see her doctor from time to time about other things, he or she can bring it up with her. Sometimes people will accept a suggestion like this from a professional where they won't from a family member or friend. What you don't want to do is make her feel as if you're saying, "Mum, there's this great little pill you could take. It will make everything better. How about we see if we can get you some." That would be the wrong approach, but seriously... consider the possibility that medication might help. It could make a difference you can't even begin to imagine.