I don’t really want a boyfriend

[Trailblazer]

I don’t really want a boyfriend, I want to get married, so there is no point pretending that I want a boyfriend for a long-term relationship since that is dishonest.

The man I referred to in my thread entitled I just want a normal boyfriend is also interested in marriage, not dating, so we have that in common.

Since I posted that thread, I have had some realizations about the man I was referring to in that thread, whose name is Mike. What I realized is how he is somewhat similar to my late husband, and this is probably one reason I am attracted to him. His personality is somewhat similar, unpretentious, unassuming, and not aggressive in any way. He is a loving person, probably more loving than me. Also, because of his interests, which are similar to mine, I can see myself having a similar lifestyle with him as I had with my late husband. In addition to that he shares similar beliefs about God, even though he does not have a religion. He also has the same standards of sexual behavior, believing that sex is reserved for love and marriage.

What are the statistical chances that I am going to find another man like him? The chances are slim to none, from what I have seen on dating sites thus far. The problem is that he is unwilling come to where I live so in that sense, he is unable to have a relationship with me even though he wants to. I cannot even text him or e-mail him since he cannot receive texts and there is no way for him to receive e-mails, except at the library, but he is not usually in the city where the library is located. So far, the only communication I have had with him is by phone.

Last Monday he left me a voice mail message saying that he will be out of cell phone range for the next 16 days, then yesterday he left me another message. If I think about how I feel about him taking off the way he did I get angry and this anger is associated with feeling hurt because I feel I have been abandoned, since I have abandonment issues from childhood.

Maybe he expects to pick up where we left off when he is back in cell phone range but that is not going to happen. I have come to the conclusion that he probably has emotional problems, to be living out of a vehicle the way he has been living for 20 years. He has convinced himself his MCS is so serious that it precludes him from a normal life. His MCS is probably mostly in his head, but it does not matter if it is only in his head, nobody is going to convince him of that. If it is really a serious medical condition, he should be able to produce medical documentation of his condition.

I cannot see how this can ever lead to marriage, which is what I am looking for. I am not looking for a long-term dating relationship that just goes on and on and never leads anywhere. We are either compatible for marriage or not, and if we are not, I need to end this before he gets hurt or I get hurt. I cannot afford to be hurt any more than I have already been hurt by men, so I plan to protect myself from further hurt. I guess I was caught up in the moment so I was not thinking about that before, but now that I am thinking about it so I feel the need to explain to him how I feel at the next available opportunity.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Although I'm really skeptical things would ever work out well between him and you as is, just based on what you've told us, sometimes it's hard to let go, too. For example, there are people that I myself have broken up with before, that I still had feelings for and still to some extent care for to this day, if their name is ever mentioned - however I felt that things wouldn't work out despite of that and in the long run.

 

[Exaltist Ethan]

If you are looking for a husband and not a boyfriend you shouldn't settle with someone just because his personality is similar to your late husband's personality. There's a lot of people in the world. I realize that only a fraction of a fraction of those are close enough and are compatible with you. There are dating sites that appeal to marriage rather than dating, maybe you could use those. A guy who lives in his car and has a disability might not be compatible with you, who owns multiple houses. But I suggest that you shouldn't air your dirty laundry on here, you need to tell this Mike guy how you feel directly and be firm in whatever decision you make. There are plenty of older men whose wives have died and are looking to get remarried soon. If I had to guess there's probably even dating sites dedicated to people in your situation. Good luck.

 

[exchemist]

I don’t really want a boyfriend, I want to get married, so there is no point pretending that I want a boyfriend for a long-term relationship since that is dishonest.

The man I referred to in my thread entitled I just want a normal boyfriend is also interested in marriage, not dating, so we have that in common.

Since I posted that thread, I have had some realizations about the man I was referring to in that thread, whose name is Mike. What I realized is how he is somewhat similar to my late husband, and this is probably one reason I am attracted to him. His personality is somewhat similar, unpretentious, unassuming, and not aggressive in any way. He is a loving person, probably more loving than me. Also, because of his interests, which are similar to mine, I can see myself having a similar lifestyle with him as I had with my late husband. In addition to that he shares similar beliefs about God, even though he does not have a religion. He also has the same standards of sexual behavior, believing that sex is reserved for love and marriage.

What are the statistical chances that I am going to find another man like him? The chances are slim to none, from what I have seen on dating sites thus far. The problem is that he is unwilling come to where I live so in that sense, he is unable to have a relationship with me even though he wants to. I cannot even text him or e-mail him since he cannot receive texts and there is no way for him to receive e-mails, except at the library, but he is not usually in the city where the library is located. So far, the only communication I have had with him is by phone.

Last Monday he left me a voice mail message saying that he will be out of cell phone range for the next 16 days, then yesterday he left me another message. If I think about how I feel about him taking off the way he did I get angry and this anger is associated with feeling hurt because I feel I have been abandoned, since I have abandonment issues from childhood.

Maybe he expects to pick up where we left off when he is back in cell phone range but that is not going to happen. I have come to the conclusion that he probably has emotional problems, to be living out of a vehicle the way he has been living for 20 years. He has convinced himself his MCS is so serious that it precludes him from a normal life. His MCS is probably mostly in his head, but it does not matter if it is only in his head, nobody is going to convince him of that. If it is really a serious medical condition, he should be able to produce medical documentation of his condition.

I cannot see how this can ever lead to marriage, which is what I am looking for. I am not looking for a long-term dating relationship that just goes on and on and never leads anywhere. We are either compatible for marriage or not, and if we are not, I need to end this before he gets hurt or I get hurt. I cannot afford to be hurt any more than I have already been hurt by men, so I plan to protect myself from further hurt. I guess I was caught up in the moment so I was not thinking about that before, but now that I am thinking about it so I feel the need to explain to him how I feel at the next available opportunity.

I think you should not give in to this feeling. From what you said on the other thread, the guy sounds like a nutter and you do not want to get saddled with that. As I said before, in internet dating there is no filter so you have supply it. You need to be hard as nails in not getting sucked into relationships with unsatisfactory people. There will be others. Kill it off.

 

[Audie]

Although I'm really skeptical things would ever work out well between him and you as is, just based on what you've told us, sometimes it's hard to let go, too. For example, there are people that I myself have broken up with before, that I still had feelings for and still to some extent care for to this day, if their name is ever mentioned - however I felt that things wouldn't work out despite of that and in the long run.

I don't either

 

[We Never Know]

I don’t really want a boyfriend, I want to get married, so there is no point pretending that I want a boyfriend for a long-term relationship since that is dishonest.

The man I referred to in my thread entitled I just want a normal boyfriend is also interested in marriage, not dating, so we have that in common.

Since I posted that thread, I have had some realizations about the man I was referring to in that thread, whose name is Mike. What I realized is how he is somewhat similar to my late husband, and this is probably one reason I am attracted to him. His personality is somewhat similar, unpretentious, unassuming, and not aggressive in any way. He is a loving person, probably more loving than me. Also, because of his interests, which are similar to mine, I can see myself having a similar lifestyle with him as I had with my late husband. In addition to that he shares similar beliefs about God, even though he does not have a religion. He also has the same standards of sexual behavior, believing that sex is reserved for love and marriage.

What are the statistical chances that I am going to find another man like him? The chances are slim to none, from what I have seen on dating sites thus far. The problem is that he is unwilling come to where I live so in that sense, he is unable to have a relationship with me even though he wants to. I cannot even text him or e-mail him since he cannot receive texts and there is no way for him to receive e-mails, except at the library, but he is not usually in the city where the library is located. So far, the only communication I have had with him is by phone.

Last Monday he left me a voice mail message saying that he will be out of cell phone range for the next 16 days, then yesterday he left me another message. If I think about how I feel about him taking off the way he did I get angry and this anger is associated with feeling hurt because I feel I have been abandoned, since I have abandonment issues from childhood.

Maybe he expects to pick up where we left off when he is back in cell phone range but that is not going to happen. I have come to the conclusion that he probably has emotional problems, to be living out of a vehicle the way he has been living for 20 years. He has convinced himself his MCS is so serious that it precludes him from a normal life. His MCS is probably mostly in his head, but it does not matter if it is only in his head, nobody is going to convince him of that. If it is really a serious medical condition, he should be able to produce medical documentation of his condition.

I cannot see how this can ever lead to marriage, which is what I am looking for. I am not looking for a long-term dating relationship that just goes on and on and never leads anywhere. We are either compatible for marriage or not, and if we are not, I need to end this before he gets hurt or I get hurt. I cannot afford to be hurt any more than I have already been hurt by men, so I plan to protect myself from further hurt. I guess I was caught up in the moment so I was not thinking about that before, but now that I am thinking about it so I feel the need to explain to him how I feel at the next available opportunity.

As an old saying goes "Don't drink poison just because you're thirsty".

 

[Rival]

TB, if there's one thing you do, spend the rest of your long-lived life with someone you feel totally comfortable by.

Don't waste it wondering if you did the wrong thing.

If something feels wrong or you're sceptical, it's in your power to move away from that now.

 

[Trailblazer]

If you are looking for a husband and not a boyfriend you shouldn't settle with someone just because his personality is similar to your late husband's personality. There's a lot of people in the world. I realize that only a fraction of a fraction of those are close enough and are compatible with you. There are dating sites that appeal to marriage rather than dating, maybe you could use those. A guy who lives in his car and has a disability might not be compatible with you, who owns multiple houses. But I suggest that you shouldn't air your dirty laundry on here, you need to tell this Mike guy how you feel directly and be firm in whatever decision you make. There are plenty of older men whose wives have died and are looking to get remarried soon. If I had to guess there's probably even dating sites dedicated to people in your situation. Good luck.

I have no idea if there are dating sites for people who want to get married, since the assumption of most people is that you have to date before you can get married, which is not necessarily the case. People can get to know each other by talking on the phone and sharing in e-mails and texts. They do not have to go out on formal dates but they do need to meet each other, since they need to know if they are physically attracted and emotionally connected to each other. They must also learn about each other's character.

The Baha'i standard is as follows. It is a high standard but that is what I am shooting for:

“Bahá’í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart. Each must, however, exercise the utmost care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the other, that the binding covenant between them may be a tie that will endure forever. Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity….

The true marriage of Bahá’ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá’í marriage.”
Selections From the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 118

Obviously, I would have a along way to go to know if I could have that with Mike, but if our personalities, values, and lifestyles are not compatible there is no way it could ever work. However, I do not want a man who has emotional problems, I already had that with my late husband, despite all his good qualities, and I am not up for a repeat experience. That is why I need to find out if Mike really has a serious medical condition or if it is an emotional problem. Just because I have the credentials that does not mean I want to play psychologist.

 

[Trailblazer]

I think you should not give in to this feeling. From what you said on the other thread, the guy sounds like a nutter and you do not want to get saddled with that. As I said before, in internet dating there is no filter so you have supply it. You need to be hard as nails in not getting sucked into relationships with unsatisfactory people. There will be others. Kill it off.

I do not yet know if he is a nutter and I do not like to judge people out of hand. When the time comes to talk to him again I will tell him what I am thinking, what I suspect, and give him a chance to explain. I am going to tell him that there is no reason for me to believe he is that sick, but if he is I cannot continue with the relationship, since I do not want to marry a man who has serious medical issues. That puts the ball squarely in his court. That is my version of killing it off.

 

[Trailblazer]

As an old saying goes "Don't drink poison just because you're thirsty".

I do not label people as poison, just because they 'might' have an emotional problem.
I am nobody's judge or jury.
But no, I do not want to get any more involved with him if he has a serious emotional problem.

 

[Trailblazer]

TB, if there's one thing you do, spend the rest of your long-lived life with someone you feel totally comfortable by.

I certainly do not intend to spend my life with a man I am not comfortable with. As I recall, I did not feel that comfortable on the phone with my late husband, but after I met him I felt totally comfortable with him, and that comfortable feeling continued for 37 years.

If something feels wrong or you're sceptical, it's in your power to move away from that now.

I do not have to 'move away' from a man I cannot even approach, since he is not here, or anywhere that I know of!
But I know what you mean.

 

[Revoltingest]

No boyfriend for me either.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

No boyfriend for me either.

It's always when a person isn't looking, that they find what they aren't looking for:

 

[Revoltingest]

It's always when a person isn't looking, that they find what they aren't looking for:

View attachment 69956

How did you find a photo of me!

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

How did you find a photo of me!

It was on your Instagrammy.

 

[Revoltingest]

It was on your Instagrammy.

I don't have one of those.
Must be some other handsome devil.

 

[John53]

No boyfriend for me either.

Tease

 

[JIMMY12345]

I don’t really want a boyfriend, I want to get married, so there is no point pretending that I want a boyfriend for a long-term relationship since that is dishonest.

The man I referred to in my thread entitled I just want a normal boyfriend is also interested in marriage, not dating, so we have that in common.

Since I posted that thread, I have had some realizations about the man I was referring to in that thread, whose name is Mike. What I realized is how he is somewhat similar to my late husband, and this is probably one reason I am attracted to him. His personality is somewhat similar, unpretentious, unassuming, and not aggressive in any way. He is a loving person, probably more loving than me. Also, because of his interests, which are similar to mine, I can see myself having a similar lifestyle with him as I had with my late husband. In addition to that he shares similar beliefs about God, even though he does not have a religion. He also has the same standards of sexual behavior, believing that sex is reserved for love and marriage.

What are the statistical chances that I am going to find another man like him? The chances are slim to none, from what I have seen on dating sites thus far. The problem is that he is unwilling come to where I live so in that sense, he is unable to have a relationship with me even though he wants to. I cannot even text him or e-mail him since he cannot receive texts and there is no way for him to receive e-mails, except at the library, but he is not usually in the city where the library is located. So far, the only communication I have had with him is by phone.

Last Monday he left me a voice mail message saying that he will be out of cell phone range for the next 16 days, then yesterday he left me another message. If I think about how I feel about him taking off the way he did I get angry and this anger is associated with feeling hurt because I feel I have been abandoned, since I have abandonment issues from childhood.

Maybe he expects to pick up where we left off when he is back in cell phone range but that is not going to happen. I have come to the conclusion that he probably has emotional problems, to be living out of a vehicle the way he has been living for 20 years. He has convinced himself his MCS is so serious that it precludes him from a normal life. His MCS is probably mostly in his head, but it does not matter if it is only in his head, nobody is going to convince him of that. If it is really a serious medical condition, he should be able to produce medical documentation of his condition.

I cannot see how this can ever lead to marriage, which is what I am looking for. I am not looking for a long-term dating relationship that just goes on and on and never leads anywhere. We are either compatible for marriage or not, and if we are not, I need to end this before he gets hurt or I get hurt. I cannot afford to be hurt any more than I have already been hurt by men, so I plan to protect myself from further hurt. I guess I was caught up in the moment so I was not thinking about that before, but now that I am thinking about it so I feel the need to explain to him how I feel at the next available opportunity.

 

[JIMMY12345]

Avoid this person like the plague.Remarrying is a triumph of hope over experience.

 

[Trailblazer]

Avoid this person like the plague.Remarrying is a triumph of hope over experience.

Thanks for the advice.
Can you explain what you mean by "Remarrying is a triumph of hope over experience?"