I'm living in hell.

[Kilgore Trout]

The only useful advice I could give you is to try to find a way to stop seeing life as something out of your control that happens to you, and start seeing it as something you need to make happen. I come from abject poverty, so I know how hard it is to get started and get some traction, but the habit of making excuses only ends up in having a big pile of excuses.

 

[Akivah]

I'm looking for understanding and advice.

Sweet! Then you've met your goal. Glad we were all able to help get that solved.

 

[Acim]

Does anyone have any advice? If you're going to be judgmental towards me - stuff it, because that's the last thing I need right now. I'm looking for advice.

Counseling would be my advice. It's what you are seeking from us online. It might help. I think counseling to help find a plan of action can be had locally. Heck, call the suicide prevention line as you are openly admitting to having these thoughts. Let them know your living conditions and your inability to cope has driven you to seriously entertaining suicide.

In my worldview, the answer is within you. But (good) counseling can help bring that out, and while it is being brought out, have someone present to deal with other stuff that might come out as well. Someone to bounce (not so pleasant) ideas off of, but also bounce plans of action off of in way that will present a clear path. Perhaps not crystal clear, but more clear than the depressive side of your self cares to entertain.

I think reporting landlord would be way to go, but would be good to seek counsel/advice before doing that in a fit of rage, unless you are suddenly okay with idea of being out on the street. A caring tenant (like yourself) would rather stay and be willing to be around for the solution than go through whole process of a move. A non-caring person would feign tolerance or move out.

__________________________

The above is stuff I would suggest apart from any spiritual connotations. I'd also advise turning over any perceived problems over to higher power / higher Self. That is perhaps easier said than done, but as you started off with bed bugs, I feel able to use that as example. Turning that type of problem over to higher power means, to me, not poking it further with your conceptions of "is it really fixed?" Itching / scratching, is poking at the problem in your way. Not trusting. I'm not saying this stuff is super duper easy, but am saying if you apply your mind and gentle sense of easing your awareness into actually turning the problem over to higher self, it will get easier. Heck, you can always abandon this course, but I would note that in a very real way, is also turning the problem over - to lower self. Sorry if that sounds judgmental. I turn stuff over to my lower self often enough that I feel quite able to make that type of assertion and realize I'm really just judging myself in such an assertion.

Also re-learn to have gratitude for what you do have. Again, not super duper easy when admitting you are in a living hell. But I think it helps. The 'turning stuff over' is prayer like in what it is accomplishing. Prayers need not be specific for higher Self knows even before you ask. Higher Self knows you self identify as living in hell right now. No need to clarify that for higher Self. But helps (you) to let higher Self know you are no longer relying only on lower thinking to get you through. And helps (you) to identify what, if anything (at all) you are thankful for. Today, it may be nothing. I say be VERY OKAY with the idea that it might be nothing today. But realize tomorrow is another day, and there may be things along the way to stop, smell the roses, and be thankful for them, and thankful that you had a moment to give thanks for them.

Wishing you the best.

 

[AnnaCzereda]

Except some of us, for various reasons, have a hard time finding work and/or holding a job down.

Yeah I know finding a job is not an easy task but tell you what: If you aren't looking for one, for sure you won't find one.

Getting a job can help financially, but psychologically for many it just adds to the stress.

True but living in poverty is even more stressful. It's hard not to be depressed if you live in a cold dilapidated house among dirt, bed bugs and roaches, having little or no money. Even the most thick-skinned person would break down and have suicidal thoughts in such a situation. Psychological counseling won't help because it doesn't solve a problem. Besides, you have to pay for it.

"getting a job" is very highly over rated. It's not the key to success, it won't solve all of your problems,

But it's a good way to start.

it's far from being the inherently "ennobling" experience that we like to think it is.

Who talks about ennobling? The point is to earn money and get out of the ****-hole one is living in. To that aim any job will do, even sweeping the streets or scrubbing public toilets. That will let you to move out of slums to the more decent place of living. Once you get out of poverty, your moods will improve too. Then you can start looking for some more prestigious job.

In such a situation, it would be better to assess one's skills, and use those skills to make money for yourself rather than dealing with the stress of trying to find a job. Don't be a cog, be creative.

So what do you suggest?

 

[Demonslayer]

Hey Frankie...are you athletic at all? Or have you been in the past? Or even if you never have been, I can suggest at least a temporary fix of throwing yourself full-bore into something physical like a running club or cycling or hiking or ANYTHING that gets your body moving on a daily basis.

I know it may sound stupid in the face of very serious problems like you're experiencing, but I have some very real examples of people who have pulled themselves out of addiction, depression and other bad times in no small part to a dedication to physical pursuits. I used to be part of a running club where the guy who set it up was a very serious heroin addict and got out of it when a friend challenged him to train for a 10k. He fell in love with running and now he's clean and runs a 7 minute mile.

Join something free. At the very least it's less time inside with the bed bugs and you could be surprised at the change a physical accomplishment can make it a person, as trivial as it may seem.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Hey Frankie...are you athletic at all? Or have you been in the past? Or even if you never have been, I can suggest at least a temporary fix of throwing yourself full-bore into something physical like a running club or cycling or hiking or ANYTHING that gets your body moving on a daily basis.

I know it may sound stupid in the face of very serious problems like you're experiencing, but I have some very real examples of people who have pulled themselves out of addiction, depression and other bad times in no small part to a dedication to physical pursuits. I used to be part of a running club where the guy who set it up was a very serious heroin addict and got out of it when a friend challenged him to train for a 10k. He fell in love with running and now he's clean and runs a 7 minute mile.

Join something free. At the very least it's less time inside with the bed bugs and you could be surprised at the change a physical accomplishment can make it a person, as trivial as it may seem.

Thank you for your advice. You're a very kind and caring person. Yes, I used to be active as a kid - skateboarding, bike riding, rollerblading, basketball, soccer, etc. But that stopped in my teens, when I became a depressive recluse and all my childhood friends moved away. Now I'm very out of shape. I'm very overweight. It would be hard to find a bike that could hold me. I do need to get out and walk more, and at least I have my dog for that.

Working on a cruise ship is a fun idea, but I have pets and I live in Ohio. Lol. I don't have a car and don't know how to drive, either. I want to learn. But I tend to collapse under stress, which I'm under a ton of right now. The best thing I can do is not overload myself with stuff. I guess I'll just try to clean up this place, day by day, as best as I can.

There's a ton of clutter in this place. Both my mom and I suffer/suffered from depression, and we accumulated a lot of stuff that we dragged around from place to place because we usually had to hurry up and leave and didn't have the time or the mental strength to sort through stuff. Plus, my mom worked full time. So I could start on that. It would make it easier for an exterminator, anyway. It's just a daunting task on multiple levels since I will have to go through my mom's stuff and that is very hard, emotionally. I will have to throw much of it out or donate it, somehow. Most of it is also in very old garbage bags and boxes, so it's dirty and dusty. But I have to try to keep things in perspective and take it day by day. I figure I will have to throw out pretty much all of the furniture because it's ruined and a lot of it I don't need, anyway. I just wish I had someone with me to help me with this. I could ask a neighbor of mine to help, but I don't know if he'll want to help because of the bug problem. :/

As for a job, there's an organization here that helps people with mental health issues find work. They do orientations on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm going to try them. They're the best bet I know of. I'm well-aware that I need a job, but I have psychiatric issues, so it's extremely difficult for me. I did have a job for a couple of months when I was 19 but I got injured (torn ligament) and had to quit before they fired me, as they were treating me worse and worse as time went on, making it clear to me that there was no opportunity for me to get ahead in that company. It was horrible and the company screwed me over. My injury was never treated and they just threw me aside, giving me a little bit of "shut up and go away" money. I still have residual anger and low self-esteem in terms of work because of that.

I also never finished high school because of mental health issues.

As I hope you can see, my issues are very complex and severe. :/

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Who talks about ennobling? The point is to earn money and get out of the ****-hole one is living in. To that aim any job will do, even sweeping the streets or scrubbing public toilets. That will let you to move out of slums to the more decent place of living. Once you get out of poverty, your moods will improve too. Then you can start looking for some more prestigious job.

The "ennobling" came from governor Pence. But the point was when you have a hard time the "get a job" part, you need to look for alternatives. I don't know what skills Frank has, but it's a starting point. For me, this means electronic repairs, jail breaking devices, and selling them. Not because I want to, but because I can and it's looking to be more profitable than a growing list of rejection letters and emails. "Get a job" is the usual go-to answer, but it isn't necessarily the right answer for everyone. Sometimes you have to make you own. And when you have psychiatric issues, a lot of times working for yourself can be much better than working for someone else.

I know it may sound stupid in the face of very serious problems like you're experiencing, but I have some very real examples of people who have pulled themselves out of addiction, depression and other bad times in no small part to a dedication to physical pursuits. I used to be part of a running club where the guy who set it up was a very serious heroin addict and got out of it when a friend challenged him to train for a 10k. He fell in love with running and now he's clean and runs a 7 minute mile.

It's not a stupid idea. Physical activity goes along way in helping overcome many conditions and ailments. Which, to me, seems rather obvious physical activity and moving around is what our bodies are built to be doing in the first place. We haven't evolved to be lazy like cats, and it's just not good for us, physically or mentally, to have their level of physical activity.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I don't know what skills Frank has

Writing, art stuff and things to do with mental health support. But I don't have any formal education or training. Pretty much everything I know, I've taught myself.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Writing, art stuff and things to do with mental health support. But I don't have any formal education or training. Pretty much everything I know, I've taught myself.

I'm jumping head first into a territory where I myself am entirely self-taught, and will be learning much along the way as I go. But there will be no one to tell me that I'm over-or-under qualified. My biggest obstacle is advertising and getting my name out there, but tomorrow I'll be setting up an appointment with a business mentor to help me with that. But basically because I can't find a job, it eventually hit me to do something that I normally do anyways, doing it much more frequently, and having people give me their money for doing something that triggers a hyper-focused state in me, especially with nicotine involved. I just wish the idea would have came sooner, but oh well I guess. Better late than never. However, it's very portable, and since it requires little time once I've learned it, it will be good for income once I start grad school.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I'm jumping head first into a territory where I myself am entirely self-taught, and will be learning much along the way as I go. But there will be no one to tell me that I'm over-or-under qualified. My biggest obstacle is advertising and getting my name out there, but tomorrow I'll be setting up an appointment with a business mentor to help me with that. But basically because I can't find a job, it eventually hit me to do something that I normally do anyways, doing it much more frequently, and having people give me their money for doing something that triggers a hyper-focused state in me, especially with nicotine involved. I just wish the idea would have came sooner, but oh well I guess. Better late than never. However, it's very portable, and since it requires little time once I've learned it, it will be good for income once I start grad school.

Good luck! Sounds like a great opportunity! I wish I had friends here that were involved in the arts, like the music scene. I would happily work in a record store or at a music venue. Shoot, I'd be a roadie, too.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Good luck! Sounds like a great opportunity! I wish I had friends here that were involved in the arts, like the music scene. I would happily work in a record store or at a music venue. Shoot, I'd be a roadie, too.

I'm the same situation. Though I've built up an assortment of albums and demos from local bands over the years, there is hardly a local music scene. Our "local" shows may have one or two local bands, with everybody else being an unsigned or small label band from places like Chicago, or Detroit, and one band even came all the way up here from Atlanta. But, it has built a small but fairly closely knit community, especially with the metal heads. And when we get together and party, spring break ain't got **** on us, LMAO! Fire breathers, tasers, wrestling (of various types), live music, sex, pretty much any drug you'd want, and sometimes there aren't even any neighbors around to complain about the noise. I don't think I'll ever forget the one morning I woke up to a lawn covered with squares and sheets of blotter acid, pot left all over the place, and even quite a few bottles of booze that somehow managed to not get drunk.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I'm the same situation. Though I've built up an assortment of albums and demos from local bands over the years, there is hardly a local music scene. Our "local" shows may have one or two local bands, with everybody else being an unsigned or small label band from places like Chicago, or Detroit, and one band even came all the way up here from Atlanta. But, it has built a small but fairly closely knit community, especially with the metal heads. And when we get together and party, spring break ain't got **** on us, LMAO! Fire breathers, tasers, wrestling (of various types), live music, sex, pretty much any drug you'd want, and sometimes there aren't even any neighbors around to complain about the noise. I don't think I'll ever forget the one morning I woke up to a lawn covered with squares and sheets of blotter acid, pot left all over the place, and even quite a few bottles of booze that somehow managed to not get drunk.

Wow. I've never partied like that. Sounds fun. There is a thriving arts scene here but I'm not a part of it. I have no social life, really. :/

 

[MARCELLO]

What is your goal here?

Is your goal simply to live in a better place? Then your problem can be solved with money. Either get a job (or two) or utilize your skills to generate an income on your own.

Is your goal to move back to where you do have friends and family? Then your problem could be solved by contacting those people and asking for bus fare.

Whatever your goal is, it needs to be defined so that you can come up with a plan to meet that goal.

Things are not that much easy bro!

In my late 20's, I stayed unemployed for almost 2 years and it was so horrible that I was ashamed to walk on the street,trying to run away from everyone I know ,though I was with my parents without any accommodation problem.

Sometimes,things go so bad that you cannot even send a CV to companies by email.

 

[Sand Dancer]

Does anyone have any advice? If you're going to be judgmental towards me - stuff it, because that's the last thing I need right now. I'm looking for advice.

Do you have any family or friends that would take you in?

 

[MARCELLO]

Dear Frank,

Never expect too much from this ugly life. Try to like the hell you are in. You see me ,I have a job for which I can only stand with bottles of vodka. I know that things will not improve for me and I don't care at all.I play with my dogs,get drunk and high .
Me,myself is no different than a bug. Won't change.

 

[MARCELLO]

The only help for you is to get a job. Any job. Even the hardest and the most ****ty one. Whatever you manage to find. Keep looking for a job. What else can anyone advise you? I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

Do you know how it feels when you hate your job? You drink and drink.

 

[Jake1001]

A few suggestions:

1) find a place that will take you in as soon as possible. A homeless shelter or similar. You are being eaten to death. Leave your apartment as soon as possible.

2) find 1 person who will help you, in real life. Not on-line. A Priest. A social worker. Anyone with a heart. Someone who understands mental illness.

3) We are here for you. Report back tomorrow.

 

[Demonslayer]

As I hope you can see, my issues are very complex and severe. :/

Yes, and maybe I should take a step back from my well meaning but ultimately simplistic advice and say, nothing any of us can say can replace talking to a professional if you're really having thoughts of harming yourself.

Yes, I used to be active as a kid - skateboarding, bike riding, rollerblading, basketball, soccer, etc. But that stopped in my teens, when I became a depressive recluse and all my childhood friends moved away. Now I'm very out of shape. I'm very overweight. It would be hard to find a bike that could hold me. I do need to get out and walk more, and at least I have my dog for that.

In the meantime, other than fixing your bed bug situation, I still say forcing yourself into some physical action can be surprisingly helpful. Each day take the dog a little further on their walks. You don't have to become a marathon runner, but getting the blood flowing will make you feel a little better about yourself.

I said in the other thread look for dog walker jobs. You like dogs it seems, you need a job and exercise. Perfect fit!

 

[Thief]

Holy moly Frankie, you're in a world of hurt. First things first, you can't keep sleeping in an infested bed. Nothing can improve in your life if you're literally sleeping in bugs. There are home remedies you can get on the cheap that can work. I have linked one here. You have to give it a try, strip the bed spray the living bananas out of it, get some new sheets and start from there.

That has to be step one. I mean really, no improvement of mood is going to happen until you can rest your head at night without being attacked my friggin' bugs. I can't even imagine.

Step two, a job yes, but I hate my job so I can't be as positive as others are that it will help pull you out of your considerable funk. I like the idea one of the other posters said about getting a job on a cruise ship or something. If what you say is true and you have no friends, no life, no connection to where you are, a full on, all out fresh start could be the thing. Just leave. Use the next week to research some kind of traveling job. Doesn't sound like you're making much now, so who cares if it's something minimum wage. Swabbing the deck on a cruise ship for crap money takes you out of your current situation and you can figure out the rest of life later on.

Do you have a car? A quick and easy way to turn around some cash is to become an Uber or Lyft driver. If you don't have a car you can lease one and pay for it through your earnings. You can work as much or as little as you want and it's super easy to get started. This you can do ANYWHERE, so change your latitude and do some driving for a living. I know people who have been laid off that started doing this and report making more money than they were making at their regular job. Bonus, if you lease a minivan you can live in the back in a pinch. Anything to GTFO of that bug infested depression-hole that is sucking the life out of you.

How about this...join the Peace Corps. They accept anyone and I think you get housing when you're traveling around. Breathe some air somewhere else. Help some people. It sounds like anything is better than where you're at, so really, what do you have to lose?

Just some ideas from an idiot. Hang in there Grumpy Gus.

http://ecoraiderusa.com/best-bed-bug-killer/

I like this except to report Uber may be in trouble.....they have a settlement against them
apparently not sufficient background checks on drivers.....and the law considered that......putting the public at risk
dollar signs in the millions

 

[Demonslayer]

I like this except to report Uber may be in trouble.....they have a settlement against them
apparently not sufficient background checks on drivers.....and the law considered that......putting the public at risk
dollar signs in the millions

I read about this but I don't think it's going to stick. I think it's largely an attack on Uber by the taxi cab industry.

The main thing about Uber is you don't have to go through any training or get a cab drivers license. I would think if there was something illegal about that it would have been a problem from the get-go.

Maybe not though, I admit I don't know enough about the case to say much about it either way.