I'm so angry

[Silent Screams]

I'm so angry right now. I don’t have words to explain. A few months ago I lost the one person in my life who was the world to me. The person who made me believe in good again; The person who made me want to be better on a daily basis; The person who taught me how to take a deep breath and relax; The person who was like the air that I breathe. He was my rock, my protector, my heart, my best friend. I remember that day like it was just this morning. And when he was gone, I knew I would forever be changed. It's like my heart stopped beating that day and it has never been the same sense. I try to move forward, but the pain is just too much sometimes. I'll never see his handsome face again, hold his hand, or feel his kiss upon my lips. I will never make love to him again, or feel the comfort of his arms around me. He's gone - just like that. And I can never bring him back. No matter how hard I begged, pleaded, and swore I would sell my soul for one more day. I never got it.


It's odd, I guess that would be the word to use, that my world stopped turning and it's spinning out of control simultaneously. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't think. No one knows the battle within me. No one knows the pain. When people see me, they say I look tired and ask if I have slept. They have no idea, that I did in fact sleep. I drugged myself up to sleep, but cry as soon as no one is around. I wake up at night in tears, because he's in my dreams. I guess I do see him, but he's gone. I can't smell him anymore. And the only time I hear his voice is when I play videos over and over again. Oh how I miss his laugh and his beautiful eyes.


I try to carry on but the only time I can do that is when I act as though he is still around. I reach out for him at night, because for a split moment in time, I forget that he is no longer there. And when I come to and realize he will never be there again, I succumb to the pain all over again. I miss him in ways I never thought were imaginable. I hurt in ways that could never be described. I've cried more than I ever thought was imaginable. I couldn't tell you how many times I have collapsed in a ball on our living room floor shaking and calling out his name.


I'm so angry at everyone and everything. I’m angry at the world for moving on when I'm still here. I'm angry at him for leaving me all alone. I'm angry at him for not fighting harder, although he probably did all the fighting he had within him. I'm angry at myself for never saying things that I should have said. I'm angry at myself for taking our time together for granted; thinking that we would have forever together. I'm angry that no one understands. I'm angry that people say "you'll be ok" when I truly believe I won't be. He was my "once in a lifetime".


I wish I had taken more pictures, recorded more videos, kissed more, hugged longer, and told him how much I love him until I was blue in the face; I would still continue to tell him if I could. I wish I had kept all the little things that I thought were insignificant; I never knew how much those little things would end up meaning to me. A little hand written note telling me he loved me (because he never wrote things down). Just scribbled notes on things that he would be working on. I wish I had never deleted photos that we had taken because "I don't look good in that photo; Let's take it again"; I wish I had kept the bad ones too. I wish I hadn't deleted messages on my phone, and voicemails he had left. A laugh, a hug, a kiss, his voice, him snoring in my ear at night; I wish I could tell him to roll over, but if I knew then that he wouldn't be there forever, I would have just smiled and had a sleepless night listening to him snore. I wish I could smell him and take in a deep breath like when I was wrapped up in his arms, simply, I miss just his touch. That those are the things that I miss the most.


I would give up my life to have just one more moment in time with him. To look into his eyes and tell him that I love him one more time. To give him one more hug, one last kiss, because I never got to do that. To take in one more breath of him. A part of me died that day, a large part of me. I hope he knew how important he was to me. I hope he knew how much I loved him, how much I still love him and forever will. That I hold the memories of him so close to my heart. I wish I could go back and relive that last day for ever, like the movie "Groundhog Day". I'd even take one of the worst days we ever had together. At least then I would feel whole again and I wouldn't have to miss my best friend.

 

[oldbadger]

I'm so angry right now. I don’t have words to explain. A few months ago I lost the one person in my life who was the world to me. The person who made me believe in good again; The person who made me want to be better on a daily basis; The person who taught me how to take a deep breath and relax; The person who was like the air that I breathe. He was my rock, my protector, my heart, my best friend. I remember that day like it was just this morning. And when he was gone, I knew I would forever be changed. It's like my heart stopped beating that day and it has never been the same sense. I try to move forward, but the pain is just too much sometimes. I'll never see his handsome face again, hold his hand, or feel his kiss upon my lips. I will never make love to him again, or feel the comfort of his arms around me. He's gone - just like that. And I can never bring him back. No matter how hard I begged, pleaded, and swore I would sell my soul for one more day. I never got it.


It's odd, I guess that would be the word to use, that my world stopped turning and it's spinning out of control simultaneously. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't think. No one knows the battle within me. No one knows the pain. When people see me, they say I look tired and ask if I have slept. They have no idea, that I did in fact sleep. I drugged myself up to sleep, but cry as soon as no one is around. I wake up at night in tears, because he's in my dreams. I guess I do see him, but he's gone. I can't smell him anymore. And the only time I hear his voice is when I play videos over and over again. Oh how I miss his laugh and his beautiful eyes.


I try to carry on but the only time I can do that is when I act as though he is still around. I reach out for him at night, because for a split moment in time, I forget that he is no longer there. And when I come to and realize he will never be there again, I succumb to the pain all over again. I miss him in ways I never thought were imaginable. I hurt in ways that could never be described. I've cried more than I ever thought was imaginable. I couldn't tell you how many times I have collapsed in a ball on our living room floor shaking and calling out his name.


I'm so angry at everyone and everything. I’m angry at the world for moving on when I'm still here. I'm angry at him for leaving me all alone. I'm angry at him for not fighting harder, although he probably did all the fighting he had within him. I'm angry at myself for never saying things that I should have said. I'm angry at myself for taking our time together for granted; thinking that we would have forever together. I'm angry that no one understands. I'm angry that people say "you'll be ok" when I truly believe I won't be. He was my "once in a lifetime".


I wish I had taken more pictures, recorded more videos, kissed more, hugged longer, and told him how much I love him until I was blue in the face; I would still continue to tell him if I could. I wish I had kept all the little things that I thought were insignificant; I never knew how much those little things would end up meaning to me. A little hand written note telling me he loved me (because he never wrote things down). Just scribbled notes on things that he would be working on. I wish I had never deleted photos that we had taken because "I don't look good in that photo; Let's take it again"; I wish I had kept the bad ones too. I wish I hadn't deleted messages on my phone, and voicemails he had left. A laugh, a hug, a kiss, his voice, him snoring in my ear at night; I wish I could tell him to roll over, but if I knew then that he wouldn't be there forever, I would have just smiled and had a sleepless night listening to him snore. I wish I could smell him and take in a deep breath like when I was wrapped up in his arms, simply, I miss just his touch. That those are the things that I miss the most.


I would give up my life to have just one more moment in time with him. To look into his eyes and tell him that I love him one more time. To give him one more hug, one last kiss, because I never got to do that. To take in one more breath of him. A part of me died that day, a large part of me. I hope he knew how important he was to me. I hope he knew how much I loved him, how much I still love him and forever will. That I hold the memories of him so close to my heart. I wish I could go back and relive that last day for ever, like the movie "Groundhog Day". I'd even take one of the worst days we ever had together. At least then I would feel whole again and I wouldn't have to miss my best friend.

The sadness within your post also had a beauty of expression.
I cannot help you..... can only hope that you somehow survive and somehow restart....
But you have helped me.
I am already very close to my spouse, but tonight, as we bathe, I will really tell her how special she is to me.

Thank you for your post..... Thank you...

 

[Silent Screams]

I'm sorry

Thank you.

 

[Silent Screams]

The sadness within your post also had a beauty of expression.
I cannot help you..... can only hope that you somehow survive and somehow restart....
But you have helped me.
I am already very close to my spouse, but tonight, as we bathe, I will really tell her how special she is to me.

Thank you for your post..... Thank you...

I hope I have the strength to survive. Right now, I don't. It's been months, and I haven't found the strength to survive. I am just existing. If I were a quitter, I would have quit by now. I'm not a suicidal person by any means, but I don't see a quality of life without him by my side. I wish I knew how to restart, but how do you do that without your heart? Without what gave you the drive, the ambition to move forward each and every day. I'm at a loss for words. My heart beats and I don't know how it does because every beat of my heart was for him. I sound pathetic, I'm sure. But until you lose the one thing in your life that made sense. The one safe place that you had in a world of hate, I'm not sure anyone would understand.

Bathing with her? Oh how I miss that too. I miss watching him sleep. I miss just his presence. I wish so many things. I regret so many things, and I am thankful for so many things. In a way, it was as though he was my last breath.

I hope that you, and everyone for that matter, have even a moment in time to feel the type of love that we shared. I remember when someone would ask him what he loved about me, his answer would be everything you could imagine and everything you never knew you could. I recall one night asking him why he loved me, and he just choked up and cried. Those tears said more than any words could ever do justice. And now, it's my turn to do the same.

Love your spouse, tell her she is wanted, tell her she is needed, and tell her a million times over that you love her. Love her without fault, without fear, and without holding back. Sing to her, hug her, laugh with her, hold her hand, and kiss her. When you leave for the day, hug her a little longer and give her one more kiss, Because one day, if you are no longer with her, she will cry and wish for it just one more time. I regret not loving him fearlessly. I was always so conservative and a bit shy that I would hold back out in public. I love him more than the sky loves the stars and I hope that he knew that.

Thank you for reading.

 

[sun rise]

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. You reminded me of something I forget too easily - telling the ones I love how much I love them. And remembering to appreciate every second they are with me and reminding me how precious every second is when I'm with my loved ones.

 

[David1967]

I hope I have the strength to survive. Right now, I don't. It's been months, and I haven't found the strength to survive. I am just existing. If I were a quitter, I would have quit by now. I'm not a suicidal person by any means, but I don't see a quality of life without him by my side. I wish I knew how to restart, but how do you do that without your heart? Without what gave you the drive, the ambition to move forward each and every day. I'm at a loss for words. My heart beats and I don't know how it does because every beat of my heart was for him. I sound pathetic, I'm sure. But until you lose the one thing in your life that made sense. The one safe place that you had in a world of hate, I'm not sure anyone would understand.

Bathing with her? Oh how I miss that too. I miss watching him sleep. I miss just his presence. I wish so many things. I regret so many things, and I am thankful for so many things. In a way, it was as though he was my last breath.

I hope that you, and everyone for that matter, have even a moment in time to feel the type of love that we shared. I remember when someone would ask him what he loved about me, his answer would be everything you could imagine and everything you never knew you could. I recall one night asking him why he loved me, and he just choked up and cried. Those tears said more than any words could ever do justice. And now, it's my turn to do the same.

Love your spouse, tell her she is wanted, tell her she is needed, and tell her a million times over that you love her. Love her without fault, without fear, and without holding back. Sing to her, hug her, laugh with her, hold her hand, and kiss her. When you leave for the day, hug her a little longer and give her one more kiss, Because one day, if you are no longer with her, she will cry and wish for it just one more time. I regret not loving him fearlessly. I was always so conservative and a bit shy that I would hold back out in public. I love him more than the sky loves the stars and I hope that he knew that.

Thank you for reading.

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. The losing of a loved one is the most cruel part of our existence, and if we live long enough, we will all experience this. Or our loved ones will lose us. I have lost loved ones and the pain is indescribable. Again, I am sorry for your great loss.
Secondly thank you for sharing this. I think oldbadger said it well, that there is a beauty to the way you expressed yourself. And you have reminded me in the midst of my too busy life, of how fragile and fleeting is human life. I am going to make it a point to tell my beautiful wife and wonderful children just how much I love them more often than I do. Don't give up friend.

 

[Aštra’el]

Get over it.

It sucks, and it's terrible, but things like this happen and unless you allow yourself to move forward and put the past behind you, it can consume you alive. You've got to embrace your own willpower and emerge from this abyss, as painful is it might seem. Eventually, you will again feel the sun upon your face.

 

[MD]

I lost someone I loved very much a few years ago. I truly loved her with all my heart, and her leaving broke me internally many ways. We were together for many years and her leaving left a hole. I don't know if your love passed away or left, but if you love someone so much, them leaving forever hurts tremendously in either case. My pain fueled my anger and hurt, I looked into other things for hope. Other ideologies and weightlifting. My religion helped me. My family and friends.

Over time things got better. I realized that this is life and losing those we love is part of it. Life has its joys and it's sadness, and both can happen in strong waves. Two family members of mine passed away as well, and it again left me broken. I loved them dearly and I remember crying for days after they died, alone. I had a tremendous work schedule and it was very hard to get through it, but I did. My faith in God helped me. I cried out to God many times, and I felt something there.

Best advice I can give you is that time heals all. You will probably dream of him for a long time and a part of you will always love him, or the memories of him. But you will love again and move on eventually. You may never love someone the same way you loved him, but you will love someone again and in a different way.

Take care.

 

[Silent Screams]

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. The losing of a loved one is the most cruel part of our existence, and if we live long enough, we will all experience this. Or our loved ones will lose us. I have lost loved ones and the pain is indescribable. Again, I am sorry for your great loss.
Secondly thank you for sharing this. I think oldbadger said it well, that there is a beauty to the way you expressed yourself. And you have reminded me in the midst of my too busy life, of how fragile and fleeting is human life. I am going to make it a point to tell my beautiful wife and wonderful children just how much I love them more often than I do. Don't give up friend.

I will never give up. I have things I promised to accomplish in life. And if for nothing else, I will live up to my promises.
thank you for your compassion.

 

[Silent Screams]

Get over it.

It sucks, and it's terrible, but things like this happen and unless you allow yourself to move forward and put the past behind you, it can consume you alive. You've got to embrace your own willpower and emerge from this abyss, as painful is it might seem. Eventually, you will again feel the sun upon your face.

I have had to think about the way to respond to you that is tasteful. I'm sure that you did not mean any harm or insult in your message, but it did come across as that.

Have you ever lost a significant other? Your partner in life? If you haven't then don't tell someone to "Get over it" as you so eloquently stated. You didn’t know him, you don't know me, and you have never known us. Yes, it sucks and it is terrible, but I won't, I can't just "get over it". I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of a great man. One of the sweetest and kindest men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am not only grieving the loss of someone who had such a great influence on myself as well as others, I am also grieving the loss of a life that we had envisioned together.

He wasn't someone I was supposed to love. He wasn't a family member, someone you grow with and love because you were shown to love them. He was someone I chose to love and he chose to love me. He was someone I chose to spend my time with, share my secrets with, trust my life with. He wasn't an obligation; he was a choice. Of which I believe makes it a little harder. Because I chose to love him. I chose to live life with him. I could have picked anyone else that may have crossed my path, but he spoke to my heart in a way that no other person ever has. He touched my soul.

If I could just get over it, don't you think I would? Do you think that I have not tried to do just that? When your world as you know it comes crashing down, when everything you knew has been altered, getting over it isn't just as simple as I feel you meant that statement to be.

I would like to thank you though, for your brutal honesty. I do need to embrace my own willpower and emerge. It is painful. and I am trying. Things like this do happen, but you are never prepared for it. It wasn't something I had the opportunity to prepare for, like someone with a terminal disease. I didn’t have the opportunity to start letting go ahead of time and knowingly say goodbye for the last time. My last goodbye was "I love you baby; I'll see you when I get home. Have a great day." I gave him a quick kiss not knowing that would be the last time.

 

[oldbadger]

I hope I have the strength to survive. Right now, I don't. It's been months, and I haven't found the strength to survive. I am just existing. If I were a quitter, I would have quit by now. I'm not a suicidal person by any means, but I don't see a quality of life without him by my side. I wish I knew how to restart, but how do you do that without your heart? Without what gave you the drive, the ambition to move forward each and every day. I'm at a loss for words. My heart beats and I don't know how it does because every beat of my heart was for him. I sound pathetic, I'm sure. But until you lose the one thing in your life that made sense. The one safe place that you had in a world of hate, I'm not sure anyone would understand.

Everybody has lost at some time, but your description of togetherness is rare imo, because of all the people that I have ever known, very few have seemed to be truly devoted to their partners, day by day. I have watched to see how they sit, walk, talk, laugh together...... and ....... no, not like your description. My wife and I are very close, and we do always part with a kiss and a close-comment, but nobody can completely take in or understand any other person's crushing devastational loss....... all they can do is listen and ask questions, really.

Love your spouse, tell her she is wanted, tell her she is needed, and tell her a million times over that you love her. Love her without fault, without fear, and without holding back. Sing to her, hug her, laugh with her, hold her hand, and kiss her. When you leave for the day, hug her a little longer and give her one more kiss, Because one day, if you are no longer with her, she will cry and wish for it just one more time. I regret not loving him fearlessly. I was always so conservative and a bit shy that I would hold back out in public. I love him more than the sky loves the stars and I hope that he knew that.

Good Advice. Thankyou.


I've only got one idea.
Over the years two of my close friends lost their lifetime-loves. They were different to you, but the impact seemed similar, they were not suicidal types but they lived 'on the edge' for months before they listened to their loved one's through their hearts and 'came back' by order of their lost ones.

One was at the lowest point in her life when she was asked (told!) to present herself at a soup kitchen for homeless persons to work through a Saturday evening/night. It was cold. It was hard work. Some of the homeless were very aggressive because they felt sio let down by everything. She just worked. She was so tired and drained when she got home that.......... she went to sleep. Yes, she went to sleep. Can you imagine that? Sleeping through a few hours without waking, or dreaming? Yeah. Soup kitchens. Get into the gutters of life wherever you are and do something that you never thought you could. Get so drained by other people's anger and frustration that you forget your own for a few moments at a time, then a few minutes..... and on. She still works soup kitchens, and she keeps a little dog which she loves to death.

Don't laugh (you can smile! ) but the other, in his sixties, who had lived with his mother all his life and lost her was in a similar condition. We made him get an over-60's-bus-pass and (when he got it) told him that he had to use only that to get from his home to a town forty miles away and back in a day. That's hard because most bus routes are only a few miles in distance and no bus went all-the-way. Since he is ridiculously rich by inheritance (Sea-view house and huge car etc) we told him that if he got really completely stuck he was allowed to call a taxi. Oh, and he had to go the other way the next day (on a friggin' bus, only!) , and then the next. He's 70 now, and goes out every day to travel all over the place, by every possible route, and sits at the front on the top deck to watch the world go by. And he's made so many friends, all like himself (and us) quite daft, and he can snap his fingers to help any of them financially, if they need it.

 

[Deeje]

I'm so angry right now. I don’t have words to explain. A few months ago I lost the one person in my life who was the world to me. The person who made me believe in good again; The person who made me want to be better on a daily basis; The person who taught me how to take a deep breath and relax; The person who was like the air that I breathe. He was my rock, my protector, my heart, my best friend. I remember that day like it was just this morning. And when he was gone, I knew I would forever be changed. It's like my heart stopped beating that day and it has never been the same sense. I try to move forward, but the pain is just too much sometimes. I'll never see his handsome face again, hold his hand, or feel his kiss upon my lips. I will never make love to him again, or feel the comfort of his arms around me. He's gone - just like that. And I can never bring him back. No matter how hard I begged, pleaded, and swore I would sell my soul for one more day. I never got it.


It's odd, I guess that would be the word to use, that my world stopped turning and it's spinning out of control simultaneously. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't think. No one knows the battle within me. No one knows the pain. When people see me, they say I look tired and ask if I have slept. They have no idea, that I did in fact sleep. I drugged myself up to sleep, but cry as soon as no one is around. I wake up at night in tears, because he's in my dreams. I guess I do see him, but he's gone. I can't smell him anymore. And the only time I hear his voice is when I play videos over and over again. Oh how I miss his laugh and his beautiful eyes.


I try to carry on but the only time I can do that is when I act as though he is still around. I reach out for him at night, because for a split moment in time, I forget that he is no longer there. And when I come to and realize he will never be there again, I succumb to the pain all over again. I miss him in ways I never thought were imaginable. I hurt in ways that could never be described. I've cried more than I ever thought was imaginable. I couldn't tell you how many times I have collapsed in a ball on our living room floor shaking and calling out his name.


I'm so angry at everyone and everything. I’m angry at the world for moving on when I'm still here. I'm angry at him for leaving me all alone. I'm angry at him for not fighting harder, although he probably did all the fighting he had within him. I'm angry at myself for never saying things that I should have said. I'm angry at myself for taking our time together for granted; thinking that we would have forever together. I'm angry that no one understands. I'm angry that people say "you'll be ok" when I truly believe I won't be. He was my "once in a lifetime".


I wish I had taken more pictures, recorded more videos, kissed more, hugged longer, and told him how much I love him until I was blue in the face; I would still continue to tell him if I could. I wish I had kept all the little things that I thought were insignificant; I never knew how much those little things would end up meaning to me. A little hand written note telling me he loved me (because he never wrote things down). Just scribbled notes on things that he would be working on. I wish I had never deleted photos that we had taken because "I don't look good in that photo; Let's take it again"; I wish I had kept the bad ones too. I wish I hadn't deleted messages on my phone, and voicemails he had left. A laugh, a hug, a kiss, his voice, him snoring in my ear at night; I wish I could tell him to roll over, but if I knew then that he wouldn't be there forever, I would have just smiled and had a sleepless night listening to him snore. I wish I could smell him and take in a deep breath like when I was wrapped up in his arms, simply, I miss just his touch. That those are the things that I miss the most.


I would give up my life to have just one more moment in time with him. To look into his eyes and tell him that I love him one more time. To give him one more hug, one last kiss, because I never got to do that. To take in one more breath of him. A part of me died that day, a large part of me. I hope he knew how important he was to me. I hope he knew how much I loved him, how much I still love him and forever will. That I hold the memories of him so close to my heart. I wish I could go back and relive that last day for ever, like the movie "Groundhog Day". I'd even take one of the worst days we ever had together. At least then I would feel whole again and I wouldn't have to miss my best friend.

I hear you

.......I lost the love of my life too, just two years ago. He was my life partner for almost 45 years. What you are feeling is called grief....but there is nothing more devastating. It is completely natural to go through all the stages; anger is part of the process,

but no one goes through it in any pre-determined way, or truly understands how it feels, except those who have experienced it....even then, its never quite the same. You have lost the most significant person in your life.

You have to let it run its course and do what it has to do, in its own time and way. It has a beginning...a middle...and an end, but no one knows where they are until they walk through it and out the other side. Two years later and I'm still not sure where I am.

The "shoulda", "oughta", "wish I had's" will keep circulating but nothing you could have done will make any difference to your sense of loss...it will only add salt to the wound. Instead, cherish what you DID do together....treasure what you HAD without beating yourself up.

I have photos in every room because I need to see him everywhere. I talk to his photo and say "hi, darlin' how's things today?"

Anything that brought him close, eased the pain. People would think I was nuts, but it was just a coping mechanism. I played his favorite music...anything that kept him in my thoughts. I can't believe that two whole years have passed since he was in our lives. I have videos that I play too so, I can hear his voice. The very fact that we grieve so deeply is proof to me that this isn't supposed to happen. If death was a natural part of life, it wouldn't feel so wrong.

Do you have a faith? Mine got me through with a hope that the Bible holds out for those we have lost in death. It teaches that death was never supposed to be a part of this life.
We have no "program" for losing the people we love. The Bible speaks of God's promise to completely restore life to all who have died. It was actually comforting to learn that they had not gone anywhere but were just "sleeping" waiting for the time when death will be reversed. This is my belief and it sustains me.....I hope you find something that sustains you.

You have my deepest sympathy......no, you have my sincerest empathy.

 

[Laika]

I'm so angry right now. I don’t have words to explain. A few months ago I lost the one person in my life who was the world to me. The person who made me believe in good again; The person who made me want to be better on a daily basis; The person who taught me how to take a deep breath and relax; The person who was like the air that I breathe. He was my rock, my protector, my heart, my best friend. I remember that day like it was just this morning. And when he was gone, I knew I would forever be changed. It's like my heart stopped beating that day and it has never been the same sense. I try to move forward, but the pain is just too much sometimes. I'll never see his handsome face again, hold his hand, or feel his kiss upon my lips. I will never make love to him again, or feel the comfort of his arms around me. He's gone - just like that. And I can never bring him back. No matter how hard I begged, pleaded, and swore I would sell my soul for one more day. I never got it.


It's odd, I guess that would be the word to use, that my world stopped turning and it's spinning out of control simultaneously. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't think. No one knows the battle within me. No one knows the pain. When people see me, they say I look tired and ask if I have slept. They have no idea, that I did in fact sleep. I drugged myself up to sleep, but cry as soon as no one is around. I wake up at night in tears, because he's in my dreams. I guess I do see him, but he's gone. I can't smell him anymore. And the only time I hear his voice is when I play videos over and over again. Oh how I miss his laugh and his beautiful eyes.


I try to carry on but the only time I can do that is when I act as though he is still around. I reach out for him at night, because for a split moment in time, I forget that he is no longer there. And when I come to and realize he will never be there again, I succumb to the pain all over again. I miss him in ways I never thought were imaginable. I hurt in ways that could never be described. I've cried more than I ever thought was imaginable. I couldn't tell you how many times I have collapsed in a ball on our living room floor shaking and calling out his name.


I'm so angry at everyone and everything. I’m angry at the world for moving on when I'm still here. I'm angry at him for leaving me all alone. I'm angry at him for not fighting harder, although he probably did all the fighting he had within him. I'm angry at myself for never saying things that I should have said. I'm angry at myself for taking our time together for granted; thinking that we would have forever together. I'm angry that no one understands. I'm angry that people say "you'll be ok" when I truly believe I won't be. He was my "once in a lifetime".


I wish I had taken more pictures, recorded more videos, kissed more, hugged longer, and told him how much I love him until I was blue in the face; I would still continue to tell him if I could. I wish I had kept all the little things that I thought were insignificant; I never knew how much those little things would end up meaning to me. A little hand written note telling me he loved me (because he never wrote things down). Just scribbled notes on things that he would be working on. I wish I had never deleted photos that we had taken because "I don't look good in that photo; Let's take it again"; I wish I had kept the bad ones too. I wish I hadn't deleted messages on my phone, and voicemails he had left. A laugh, a hug, a kiss, his voice, him snoring in my ear at night; I wish I could tell him to roll over, but if I knew then that he wouldn't be there forever, I would have just smiled and had a sleepless night listening to him snore. I wish I could smell him and take in a deep breath like when I was wrapped up in his arms, simply, I miss just his touch. That those are the things that I miss the most.


I would give up my life to have just one more moment in time with him. To look into his eyes and tell him that I love him one more time. To give him one more hug, one last kiss, because I never got to do that. To take in one more breath of him. A part of me died that day, a large part of me. I hope he knew how important he was to me. I hope he knew how much I loved him, how much I still love him and forever will. That I hold the memories of him so close to my heart. I wish I could go back and relive that last day for ever, like the movie "Groundhog Day". I'd even take one of the worst days we ever had together. At least then I would feel whole again and I wouldn't have to miss my best friend.

I can't help you beyond saying that somewhere inside of you, you know you deserve to be happy again. You need to find that place to want to move on. Behind the anger and the tears is the person he fell in love with. Take small steps each day and learn to be whole again and don't be afraid to say "it hurts" to the people you care about. There is no shame in hurting but don't let it consume you by punishing yourself for unloved dreams. You can't change the past but you can forgive yourself for it by promising not to relive the same mistakes. I don't have to know him to know that's probably not what he would have wanted. Love him, love life and love yourself.

Sorry you are going through this. I can't say I know loss quite like this but I know depression and quite a few people on the forum may be able to give you advice to lift your mood, if only for a morning or an afternoon. Your welcome to share on here if it helps.

Start with small steps and eventually you'll be surprised how far you have come. I'm not saying it's easy, only that it's possible.

 

[Silent Screams]

Get into the gutters of life wherever you are and do something that you never thought you could. Get so drained by other people's anger and frustration that you forget your own for a few moments at a time, then a few minutes..... and on.

I have worked in soup kitchens. We always gave/give to the less fortunate. I have spent countless hours volunteering for those that are less fortunate. I see, hear, and experience as much as possible what they are going through. the horrible thing is that sometimes, I look at them and I can see myself right where they are. The old man who lost his way when his wife died, I remember his story. He watched his wife burn alive in their vehicle following an accident. He couldn't get her out of there. The scars from the burns are all over him from trying to rescue her. He told me that he will never forget the sound of her screams as he watched in horror. He lost his way, and I feel as though I am losing mine. I have always been so passionate about so many things. I have currently lost my passion.

I try to reach out to friends/family, but I am hurried off of the phone because no one wants to hear you cry. It's amazing how people put another off when it isnt convenient for them to listen to heartache and dispair. I spoke with a sibling a short time ago, and was hurried off of the phone when he heard the tears coming. I went to the grocery store earlier today. I'm not sure what for, lol. But when I left, there was a homeless person on my way back home. I stopped and gave him money; more than I usually would. Partially for myself, to do something positive, but also because that's what he would have done as well.

I want to say thank you to everyone. I wasn't looking for sympathy when I posted this, I was just wanting to vent. I am thankful though, for each of you and your compassion.

 

[Silent Screams]

I have photos in every room because I need to see him everywhere. I talk to his photo and say "hi, darlin' how's things today?"

Anything that brought him close, eased the pain. People would think I was nuts, but it was just a coping mechanism. I played his favorite music...anything that kept him in my thoughts. I can't believe that two whole years have passed since he was in our lives. I have videos that I play too so, I can hear his voice. The very fact that we grieve so deeply is proof to me that this isn't supposed to happen. If death was a natural part of life, it wouldn't feel so wrong.

I do the exact same thing. I have pictures up everywhere. I also play the music he would listen to, talk to him, put on a shirt he would have liked, keep my hair the way he liked. Anything to make me feel as though he is still around. Some would say that it is not healthy to do that, as though I am living in the past. But I still feel him sometimes. Every once in a while, a sound, a smell, just something will make me close my eyes and forget for a second that he isn't here. Maybe I am living in the past, but I need that right now. I feel as though I do. I need that normalacy that I once knew to get through the day; through most days.

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I hate to say that I understand, but unfortunately, I do. It's a pain that no one can take away.

 

[oldbadger]

I have worked in soup kitchens. We always gave/give to the less fortunate. I have spent countless hours volunteering for those that are less fortunate. I see, hear, and experience as much as possible what they are going through. the horrible thing is that sometimes, I look at them and I can see myself right where they are. The old man who lost his way when his wife died, I remember his story. He watched his wife burn alive in their vehicle following an accident. He couldn't get her out of there. The scars from the burns are all over him from trying to rescue her. He told me that he will never forget the sound of her screams as he watched in horror. He lost his way, and I feel as though I am losing mine. I have always been so passionate about so many things. I have currently lost my passion.

I try to reach out to friends/family, but I am hurried off of the phone because no one wants to hear you cry. It's amazing how people put another off when it isnt convenient for them to listen to heartache and dispair. I spoke with a sibling a short time ago, and was hurried off of the phone when he heard the tears coming. I went to the grocery store earlier today. I'm not sure what for, lol. But when I left, there was a homeless person on my way back home. I stopped and gave him money; more than I usually would. Partially for myself, to do something positive, but also because that's what he would have done as well.

I want to say thank you to everyone. I wasn't looking for sympathy when I posted this, I was just wanting to vent. I am thankful though, for each of you and your compassion.

I think thatr you are doing the right things, thinking about and reacting to other folks who have suffered great misfortune or loss.
I really hope that you do, one day, walk out of this valley. Ask your love, right now.... just shut your eyes and ears to all else and ask your partner what they want you to do........ go on.
Now..... did you hear any answer back from withing yourself/ I'll bet that they wish you well and want you to gain back some value from life, some happiness.