Inexorable Consequences

[4consideration]

If you cause her to contract toxoplasmosis, you will wish to remedy it by putting drops of Sassafras Oil on the souls of your feet.
If you wish to remedy it by putting drops of Sassafras Oil on the souls of your feet, you will find that it is no longer something that you can legally buy.

 

[Revoltingest]

If you cannot legally buy sassafras oil, then you will settle for 5W-20.

 

[4consideration]

If you settle for 5W-20, you will do nothing for your toxomplasmosis, but things will run more smoothly. You will notice less friction in your life.

 

[BSM1]

If you find that it is no longer something that you can legally buy, you will go searching the forest for wild Sassafras.
If you go searching the forest for wild Sassafras, you will become hopelessly lost.

 

[Revoltingest]

If you become hopelessly lost and have less friction in your life, you will feel like reading Siddhartha.

 

[4consideration]

If you read Siddartha, you will read "A Journey to the Far East."
If you read "A Journey to the Far East," you will read "Beneath the Wheel."
If you read "Beneath the Wheel," you will read "Steppenwolf."

 

[Old Scratch]

If Steppenwolf you read, for more pedestrian fare you will long.

 

[4consideration]

If for more pedestrian fare you long, you will sit down on a park bench to contemplate your longing.

 

[Old Scratch]

If down on a park bench you sit your longing to contemplate, the complementary piece of gum underneath the bench you will find.

 

[4consideration]

If the complementary piece of gum underneath the bench you will find, you will begin singing the old song, "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?"

 

[BSM1]

If you begin singing the old song "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?", you will realize your are trapped in the '60's.
If you realize you are trapped in the '60's, you will burn your bell bottoms.

 

[4consideration]

If you burn your bell bottoms, you will have to start wearing skinny jeans.

 

[BSM1]

If you start wearing skinny jeans, you will realize you shouldn't.

 

[4consideration]

If you realize you shouldn't, you will re-examine many areas of your life to see what else you are doing that doesn't work well.

 

[Revoltingest]

If you re-examine many areas of your life to see what else you are doing that doesn't work well, you will give up your karaoke lessons.

 

[4consideration]

If you give up your karaoke lessons, you will replace that hobby with quilting.

 

[Revoltingest]

If you start quilting, friends will start calling you "Granny".

 

[4consideration]

If friends start calling you "Granny," you will start baking them cookies.

 

[Quagmire]

If friends start calling you "Granny," you will start baking them cookies.

If you start baking them cookies, they will forever more greet you with "Got Milk?"

 

[BSM1]

If you start baking them cookies, you will began to understand how to use your stove.
If you understand how to use your stove, you will realize those other shiny things in your kitchen have a purpose also.