EverChanging
Well-Known Member
I've been reflecting a bit lately on some of my eccentric behavior. I've been religious pretty much my whole life even without a religious upbringing and have gone through a lot of changes in my beliefs and practices. Some of that I consider normal, but I noticed there was a time in my life when I was flipping through various practices rapidly and none of them were lasting. It seemed neurotic. I did finally settle on a more or less stable set of beliefs and practices complimenting my Anglican faith practice and then went through some difficult issues and converted to Catholicism against my best judgments. I had been drawn to many aspects of that faith for a long time, especially as someone who was drawn to Anglo-Catholic practices and thought, but I knew it was IDIOTIC to convert to Catholicism where I live, especially since my Anglican parish was so much more "catholic" than anything the Catholic parishes here would ever offer anyway. Not only that, but in such a short amount of time I felt very rejected in the Catholic Church and suffered mental distress from how I was treated by clergy -- or at least perceived myself to be treated. It didn't take me long to go back to my traditional Anglican parish and I was at home immediately. No one bothered me about where I had been. Just a few smiles and waves. It was so wonderful to be back in a solemn liturgy. I was so glad to be taking communion the same way as everyone else. And even though the parish is very conservative no one would ever dream of asking prying questions about my sexuality -- that was becoming a problem in the Catholic Church. After all of this I've come to appreciate why I became an Anglican in the first place -- in my one parish we have evangelicals, Anglo-Catholics, one Anglo-Orthodox (if that's a term), a few liberals, a New Ager, a neo-pagan, and then my own practice. Those of us on the fringes of the theological spectrum tend to keep quiet but no one has any fear of being shunned or excommunicated.
Now I'm simply left wondering why I ever left this place to begin with. When I did leave my beliefs and practices didn't even change. Instead I just went through a lot of seemingly needless pain and rejection. I still think very highly of the Catholic friends I've had in my life who had a lot to do with this exploration, but I am very pained and disappointed at my experiences becoming a Catholic.
There seems to be this unstable part of my religious identity. The core beliefs and practices tend to remain the same now and have for years, but I occasionally go through these periods in which they change superficially. Then I bounce back to normal again.
I have seen quite a few other lurkers of online forums of a spiritual or religious orientation do this same thing -- often to a much more extreme degree than me. I'm just letting out some of these feelings. Thoughts?
Now I'm simply left wondering why I ever left this place to begin with. When I did leave my beliefs and practices didn't even change. Instead I just went through a lot of seemingly needless pain and rejection. I still think very highly of the Catholic friends I've had in my life who had a lot to do with this exploration, but I am very pained and disappointed at my experiences becoming a Catholic.
There seems to be this unstable part of my religious identity. The core beliefs and practices tend to remain the same now and have for years, but I occasionally go through these periods in which they change superficially. Then I bounce back to normal again.
I have seen quite a few other lurkers of online forums of a spiritual or religious orientation do this same thing -- often to a much more extreme degree than me. I'm just letting out some of these feelings. Thoughts?