Is it wrong to mourn for too long?

[Ori]

Say it's five years after someones death, but the person still mourns them like they died yesterday. They have a family they must look after, but the mourning is bringing the whole family down.
Is it wrong to mourn too long?
Do the dead have more importance over the living?

 

[James the Persian]

I'm not sure wrong is the right term to use, but it's certainly unhealthy. If someone has a hard time letting go after such a long period, and especially if it is impacting negatively on the living then they should seek out a good clinical psychologist (I wouldn't recommend psychiatry in this case) or, if they are religious, the counselling of their priest/minister/equivalent.

James

 

[Peace]

Say it's five years after someones death, but the person still mourns them like they died yesterday. They have a family they must look after, but the mourning is bringing the whole family down.
Is it wrong to mourn too long?
Do the dead have more importance over the living?

One shouldn't mourn for so long, otherwise we will neglect all our responsibilities and duties. Of course we cannot forget our dear ones, it's impossible.... but there is difference between not forgetting and being sad in grief all the time. Being sad all the time just has negative impacts on us, on our surrounding and on our life in general. In Islam, we don't forget our deads, we always remember them by praying for them, and asking forgiveness for them... because that's good for them, it decreases their sins and increases their rewards.

Peace be with you,
Peace

 

[michel]

Main Entry: mourn javascript:popWin('/cgi-bin/audio.pl?mourn001.wav=mourn')
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English murnan; akin to Old High German mornEn to mourn, Greek mermEra care -- more at [size=-1]MEMORY[/size]
intransitive senses
1 : to feel or express grief or sorrow
2 : to show the customary signs of grief for a death; especially : to wear mourning
3 : to murmur mournfully -- used especially of doves
transitive senses
1 : to feel or express grief or sorrow for
2 : to utter mournfully

Grieving:transitive senses : to cause to suffer : [size=-1]DISTRESS[/size]
intransitive senses : to feel grief : [size=-1]SORROW[/size]


I was interested to see the difference between the meanings of mourning and Grieving; the definition of one of the meanings of mourning is the same as grieving.

If you are referring to mourning as in the" 2 : to show the customary signs of grief for a death; especially : to wear mourning", then I believe that is entirely up to the individual.

In the true meaning of grieving, there is no rule whatsoever.
This is a highly personal matter - some people litterally go into a 'shell' to protect themselves from the grief of the loss of a loved one. In the end though the grieving process has to be faced; how long that lasts is impossible to say. Our next door neighbour lost his wife sixteen years ago, and he still grieves for her; that doesn't stop him from functioning though.

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

I wouldn't say it is wrong, but it can be unhealthy. There is a natural grieving process that goes through several phases, if you get stuck on any of these, it can be hazardous to your wellbeing.

 

[Melody]

Say it's five years after someones death, but the person still mourns them like they died yesterday. They have a family they must look after, but the mourning is bringing the whole family down.
Is it wrong to mourn too long?
Do the dead have more importance over the living?

Yes the dead do have more importance over the living, but sometimes the grief is so deep that the person doesn't know how to let it go without help. Five years seems like an excessively long time to grieve and sounds like they need to seek some professional help to get them to move on to the next step.

 

[Unedited]

I agree that five years sounds unhealthy.

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

I lost my wife about a year and a half ago. after fourty three years of marriage. After nine months I felt I was not making enough a progress, too much going through the motions rather than making things happen. saw a wonderful councilor. she hardly said any thing over a six week period.
But I was able to get things to come out of my system. She would just sit there in her dumpy sort of way with her tummy constantly rumbling. But she was what I call a beautiful Lady full of empathy. and the few words she did say were always just right.
If you have problems there are always people who know how to help.
Do I still miss my Wife You bet I do. Do I still think about her? much of the time.
am I still Mourning? No
Mourning is more about pitying yourself for your loss. How could you possibly be sorry that someone has returned to God.

Terry
___________________________________________________________
Blessed are those who morn, they shall be consoled.

 

[Jaymes]

I don't think it's wrong... just sad.

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

I lost my wife about a year and a half ago. after fourty three years of marriage. After nine months I felt I was not making enough a progress, too much going through the motions rather than making things happen. saw a wonderful councilor. she hardly said any thing over a six week period.
But I was able to get things to come out of my system. She would just sit there in her dumpy sort of way with her tummy constantly rumbling. But she was what I call a beautiful Lady full of empathy. and the few words she did say were always just right.
If you have problems there are always people who know how to help.
Do I still miss my Wife You bet I do. Do I still think about her? much of the time.
am I still Mourning? No
Mourning is more about pitying yourself for your loss. How could you possibly be sorry that someone has returned to God.

Terry
___________________________________________________________
Blessed are those who morn, they shall be consoled.

I'm sorry to hear that Terry. I don't think you will ever stop missing her. It's the pain that is supposed to subside, not the memory. My landlord had a very sick wife, he had taken care of her for many years. She passed away about a year ago. Mike, who was not the least bit sick or weak, died less than 6 months after his wife. I guess somethimes a broken heart cannot survive a loss.

 

[michel]

I lost my wife about a year and a half ago. after fourty three years of marriage. After nine months I felt I was not making enough a progress, too much going through the motions rather than making things happen. saw a wonderful councilor. she hardly said any thing over a six week period.
But I was able to get things to come out of my system. She would just sit there in her dumpy sort of way with her tummy constantly rumbling. But she was what I call a beautiful Lady full of empathy. and the few words she did say were always just right.
If you have problems there are always people who know how to help.
Do I still miss my Wife You bet I do. Do I still think about her? much of the time.
am I still Mourning? No
Mourning is more about pitying yourself for your loss. How could you possibly be sorry that someone has returned to God.

Terry


Blessed are those who morn, they shall be consoled.

I am sorry too, Terry, to hear about your loss; 43 years of togetherness followed by solitude must be hard to 'get over' . I admire and understand the way you feel about your wife 'returning to God'; I believe I would feel the same way - although one can never be certain of how we will react until the time comes.

I feel sorry for those who do not have faith though - it must be hard for them.
"Mourning is more about pitying yourself for your loss" - I am struggling with this one, because of the wording - somehow it sounds harsh.........

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

"Mourning is more about pitying yourself for your loss" - I am struggling with this one, because of the wording - somehow it sounds harsh.........

It is a bit harsh but I think true.
It's a bit like when you move away from your favorite team. but so so much worse.
it's the things you have lost that you mourn. the comradeship, the things you do together.Saturday comes round and it's empty.the empty chair. cooking on your own the washing, shopping. every thing reminds you of your loss.
The things you gain you don't want. Freedom to do what you want with out consideration of anothers wishes. freedom to go out on your own as long as you like. all these gains are in fact losses. in anyones language this is feeling sorry for yourself. Justified yes but self is right there.
of course you are desperately sorry for the death of a loved one.but the real sorrow is the about their dieing not their being dead.
Things are very muddled to begin with but faith helps a very great deal.
Loving helps to that does not stop.

Terry
______________________________________
Blessed are those who morn, they shall be consoled.

 

[The Black Whirlwind]

when someone dies, miss them not. mourn them not. rejoice that they are part of the living force, once more.

 

[cardero]

There really is no way to tell someone how to react to an entity who has passed through death. It is as unique and as expressive as the individual entity itself. It does not matter who it is or how one perceives death. It depends on how close the entity was to the individual before dying.
There is no right or wrong way to die, just as there is no right or wrong way to mourn death.
As a human, I should assure you it is okay to react like one. Sadness is indeed a human emotion. How long should it take to mourn someone's passing? I would recommend for as long as it takes.

 

[Dr._buzz]

in the torres strait islands just above australia, when a family member dies the mourn for a whole week and just cry whilst other islanders help them out (make food, emotional support) then after the week is over they celebrate the spirits passing on and have a non-stop party for 4 more days and after that they have no regrets of their passing on.

 

[Stormygale]

It is not wrong to mourn for too long. The problem arises when you do it to the point that you a 'major sap' and the whole world sees you as that. Problems with that effect your life. Effect the way you live. Depression is an aweful thing.
Mourn as long as need be. yea. But, remember, that know one likes a whiner after they have whined for an eternity.....pick yourself up and go on.
~hard question

 

[armageddon]

Say it's five years after someones death, but the person still mourns them like they died yesterday. They have a family they must look after, but the mourning is bringing the whole family down.
Is it wrong to mourn too long?
Do the dead have more importance over the living?

i dont think there is such a thing as mourning too long. a person can be mourning their entire lives. it would be wrong, however, if during their mourning they threw all their responsibilities aside, including family, and left them out to rot. or so i think.

 

[glasgowchick]

Say it's five years after someones death, but the person still mourns them like they died yesterday. They have a family they must look after, but the mourning is bringing the whole family down.
Is it wrong to mourn too long?
Do the dead have more importance over the living?

Hi Orichalcum, I lost my mum two years ago and I miss her dearly, I only have to think about her and I'm in tears. Grieving is all part of healing and for me personally, this process needs all the time each individual needs to heal. I would like to share a poem with you, the Author is unknown..It's called miss me but let me go.

When I come to the end of the road
and the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long
and not with your head bowed low
Remember the Love that we once shared
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must make
and each must do it alone
It's all a part of the masters plan
A step on the road to home.

So when you are lonely and sad at heart
Go to the friends we know
Bury your sorrows in doing your deeds
Miss me, But let me go..

Peace

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

I don't think one ever forgets a loved one, or stops hurting in some way. But there is a grieving process, and once someone goes through all the stages, they are no longer in 'mourning'. If someone gets stuck on any of these stages, it can affect their whole life.​

The Grief Process ​

1. Denial [Numbness]. The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.
   ​
2. Anger. May be directed at the doctor, nurses, ambulance people, anyone who could have saved the person, at innocent bystanders, God, ourselves, the person who died, the clergy person or even someone else who has not lost that particular relative or loved one.
   ​
3. Guilt. Guilt is anger turned toward ourselves. None of us is as kind, sensitive or thoughtful as we would like to be. We may feel bad about things we have said or done to hurt the person who has died. Since there is not time for apologies, we can be left with unfinished business. In the messy business of daily living, we do the best we can - and thank God for those who love us in our imperfections. Guilt can extend to our failure to see the future or to prevent the death. We can say a million times, "If only . . ." We can even feel guilty when we find ourselves having a good time or forgetting about our grief for a period of time.
   ​
4. Depression. A heavy pall hanging over everything. In our minds nothing will ever be all right again. Depression paralyzes us. The simplest and most ordinary jobs become almost impossible for us to do. Looking forward to tomorrow or anything is impossible. This is the most difficult and frightening stage. We need to strive to talk and to keep those who seem to withdraw from us involved in daily life.
   ​
5. Acceptance. The time emerges when we begin to believe we will make it through. That doesn't mean things will be the same as they were or that we won't miss the person any more, but it means things will be all right. We can talk about the loved one and remember them often, but we go on with life. We can find that our experience of loss can be very helpful to others facing similar losses. As we share their grief with them, we can find that contact healing for us as well.
   ​

 

[Ori]

Thats one for every year then.