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It's just hard ...

Jayhawker Soule

Jayhawker Soule

-- untitled --
Premium Member
I've known him for all of five years -- not deeply or actively but persistently the way one knows someone he interacts with at the synagogue on a weekly basis. Perhaps two years ago he moved to an assisted living establishment near me and I was the obvious choice to drive him to and from services.

And I did. Almost every Friday evening and then again on Saturday morning. Saturdays proved to be special. I'd pick him up an hour and a half early and take him to breakfast before going to the synagogue.

He suffered from increasing memory loss. Our conversations were shallow, each being pretty much a repeat of the conversations of the previous week.

A few months ago he started having episodes of severe weakness and dizziness. After weeks in and out of the hospital he was moved to a nursing home where he now rapidly deteriorates. My wife and I visit him and all he can say - over and over again - is: "I feel so lost."

It is a horrible and horribly undignified way to die, and it's just very, very hard to watch.

I need to get some rest ...
 
MysticSang'ha

MysticSang'ha

Big Squishy Hugger
Premium Member
Jayhawker Soule said:
I've known him for all of five years -- not deeply or actively but persistently the way one knows someone he interacts with at the synagogue on a weekly basis. Perhaps two years ago he moved to an assisted living establishment near me and I was the obvious choice to drive him to and from services.

And I did. Almost every Friday evening and then again on Saturday morning. Saturdays proved to be special. I'd pick him up an hour and a half early and take him to breakfast before going to the synagogue.

He suffered from increasing memory loss. Our conversations were shallow, each being pretty much a repeat of the conversations of the previous week.

A few months ago he started having episodes of severe weakness and dizziness. After weeks in and out of the hospital he was moved to a nursing home where he now rapidly deteriorates. My wife and I visit him and all he can say - over and over again - is: "I feel so lost."

It is a horrible and horribly undignified way to die, and it's just very, very hard to watch.

I need to get some rest ...
Click to expand...

Frick, that sucks to witness, Jay. I'm so sorry.

Peace, my dear friend. <3
 
dantech

dantech

Well-Known Member
I feel for you brother. My grandmother couldn't recognize me or my mother(her daughter) the last year of her life. She also got aggressive and attacked the "strangers" that would visit. It was heartbreaking but we tried to focus on the good memories, and it got us through it.
 
BSM1

BSM1

What? Me worry?
Jayhawker Soule said:
I've known him for all of five years -- not deeply or actively but persistently the way one knows someone he interacts with at the synagogue on a weekly basis. Perhaps two years ago he moved to an assisted living establishment near me and I was the obvious choice to drive him to and from services.

And I did. Almost every Friday evening and then again on Saturday morning. Saturdays proved to be special. I'd pick him up an hour and a half early and take him to breakfast before going to the synagogue.

He suffered from increasing memory loss. Our conversations were shallow, each being pretty much a repeat of the conversations of the previous week.

A few months ago he started having episodes of severe weakness and dizziness. After weeks in and out of the hospital he was moved to a nursing home where he now rapidly deteriorates. My wife and I visit him and all he can say - over and over again - is: "I feel so lost."

It is a horrible and horribly undignified way to die, and it's just very, very hard to watch.

I need to get some rest ...
Click to expand...


Sorry you have to go through this. I'm sure there's a feeling of overwhelming helplessness.
 
Ingledsva

Ingledsva

HEATHEN ALASKAN
Alzheimer's, and other dementias are horrible. My Grandmother had Alzheimer's and the family put my sister who lived near her in charge of her finances, paying her bills, making sure she had food, ect.

One day she found her way to the bank, demanding to know about her money. They of course called my sister. Grandma started screaming and yelling that she didn't know who my sister was, and that she was stealing her money. Everyone in the bank was looking at them. My sister said she was so embarrassed that these staring people thought she was an evil thief, and so sad and horrified at what Grandma was screaming, - that she just burst into tears. The bank handled it well. They informed their customers that she had Alzheimer's, and that my sister paid her bills and got her food, etc.

That is when we knew we had to put her in actual Alzheimer's nursing care. When they no longer know who you are, it is time. When they are that far gone, nursing care can be a real relief to everyone. I know one patient that thinks she is on a cruse ship. She wanders up and down the hall knocking on doors and talking to other passengers. :)


*
 
oldbadger

oldbadger

Skanky Old Mongrel!
Jayhawker Soule said:
It is a horrible and horribly undignified way to die, and it's just very, very hard to watch.

I need to get some rest ...
Click to expand...

You know that you need to take a break and recharge yourself. I am most sad to read about your friend...

Jayhawker, It's my perception that your threads and posts have been showing a change in demeanour over a few weeks........ almost showing one long sigh of sadness, possibly? Am I right?

If you are strong then your visits will support and lift your friend, if you are worn down then they won't. I hope the pro-counselor members respond to this (Quintessence?) because it looks as if you need to give all this out to a local counsellor and clear yourself.

All the best......
 
metis

metis

aged ecumenical anthropologist
I've gone through this twice, once with my maternal grandmother that we took care of for two years, and the other with my father who we also took care of for two very difficult years, so I can really sympathize. Both had Alzheimers, and unless one has actually had that experience with that, they'll probably never understand how difficult it is taking care of them while you watch them gradually deteriorate.

It's heart-wrenching, and my condolences go out to you, JS.
 
Levite

Levite

Higher and Higher
I'm so sorry, Jay. That's just so difficult. We went through much the same with my grandmother, although with her it was multiple-causation dementia rather than Alzheimers-- but same net effect.

Nothing makes it easy, and nothing will ever make it seem fair or just. At least this poor man has you and your wife to visit him, and is not alone-- whether he always realizes it or not.
 
RabbiO

RabbiO

הרב יונה בן זכריה
Jay,

It would be wonderful if for all of us it could be said, as the Torah speaks of Moses at the time of his passing -

ומשה בן מאה ועשרים שנה במתו לא כהתה עינו ולא נס לחה

But that is not, too often, how life works out. My mother is 95 and suffers from vascular dementia, which did not really present itself until she was about 92. It is always difficult when visiting her. Sometimes there is more of her, sometimes less. The woman who did the NY Times crossword puzzle in ink struggles with language and has difficulty in expressing herself which frustrates her. The only benefit, if one can call it that, is that we have never had to tell her that my sister is dead.

You are doing as much as anyone could do for this gentlemen and far more than many others would do.

Remember to take care of yourself and deal with yourself kindly.
 
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Rhiamom

Rhiamom

Member
When I worked as a nurse in a nursing home there was one very gracious lady I will never forget. She would approach me and explain that she was being held against her will, and she very much wanted to return home. In turn, I gently explained to her that she had become so very forgetful that it was not safe for her to be at home anymore, and she was here because her daughter wanted her to be safe and well-cared for. Every 10 minutes for my full shift. The other nurses were amazed at how I could be so patient with her. I kept reminding myself that each time she asked was the first time for her....
 
Akivah

Akivah

Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry Jayhawker. May you find solace in your memories and the time that you were granted to share with him.
 
michel

michel

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
Jayhawker Soule said:
It is a horrible and horribly undignified way to die, and it's just very, very hard to watch.

I need to get some rest ...
Click to expand...
I am so sorry to hear that Jay - I think anyone would agree with the above; unfortunately, it reminds me of my mother's last years...Life can seem frightfully cruel.
 
N

Nietzsche

The Last Prussian
Premium Member
There isn't anything on the planet worse or more cruel than Alzheimers or Dementia. Rather than just killing you, it destroys you as a person, and because of how long you can linger it tarnishes & infects the memory of those who love you. I'm sorry.
 
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