Jealousy

[Prima]

subtitle Relationship Help :banghead3

At what point is jealousy too much? The other day my boyfriend flipped out because a guy - a gay guy - gave me a massage when my neck hurt (my neck and back both have issues) I'm the kind of person who likes physical contact - hugging people, etc.

Anyone have any imput? When is jealousy just too much?

 

[Green Gaia]

Hmmm, this is a touchy subject... but I will say that I have no patience for jealousy; either you trust me, or you don't. And if there is no trust in a relationship, then what's the point?

 

[Master Vigil]

Its natural for a guy to be jealous of another guy. Even if he's gay. But I would venture to say that if he flipped out, than he's being a little possessive. Thats just my opinion.

 

[Lightkeeper]

Your boyfriend is protecting what he thinks is his territory. Your are not his territory. I think jealousy goes too far when you are restricted by the other person's jealousy. It sounds like you are being restricted.

 

[Prima]

Thanks guys it's hard to see things clearly when you're actually in the relationship... your answers helped a lot.

 

[standing_on_one_foot]

Dude needs to learn to trust you a bit more. I mean, it's OK if he lets you know he's uncomfortable with that, but flipping out sure isn't going to get him anywhere.

 

[michel]

I agree with everyone else; it almost sounds as if your guy considers you to be 'his property'.
Maize put it perfectly; 'Jealous' is like a cancer; it is unhealthy and eats away at the relationship. No trust from him, possessiveness ? it almost sounds as if he is insecure; perhaps you can ask him quietly, when everything's O.K- maybe he's been cheated on before.....

 

[kreeden]

I can't seem to ever " go with the flow " .

Some people , both men and women , seem to like some jealousy in their relationships . For whatever reasons { insecurity being the most common I think } . So I would say that it is something that two people would have to come to an agreement upon . A balance between needs , if you will .

In this case Prima , the jealousy is your bf's problem . Not yours . As others have said , he does not own you , which he has to deal with that ... or not . If not , then you may have a problem .

 

[Sunstone]

This is a delicate subject. I assume you want to keep the boyfriend, but his behavior doesn't sound too mature. You might be in for much more of the same behaviors. At some point, you'll need to ask yourself whether you really want to raise your boyfriend. Do you want a boyfriend you have to mommy?

 

[Lookingformeaning]

I agree with all of you, but you also have to keep this in mind about the subject of jealousy: If he didnt get jealous, maybe he doesnt care, but he did get jealous at least he cares enough to be jealous. Sorry if that sounded confusing.

 

[kreeden]

I agree with all of you, but you also have to keep this in mind about the subject of jealousy: If he didnt get jealous, maybe he doesnt care, but he did get jealous at least he cares enough to be jealous. Sorry if that sounded confusing.

It is not confusing at all Looking . Actually you make my point for me . However , there are other ways to show that one cares . It is all a part of this game we play called life . And it comes down to what two people want in their lifes .

It also can be a tool used to control another . Oh yes . Used by both parties . I have known women who would goes out of their way to cause their guy to be jealous . To make them prove that they did care . And of course , some guys use it to control their gals . Personally , I don't have time for either game , but each to their own eh .

 

[michel]

'Control' in any relationship is deadly; believe me. If a relationship is based on control, the chances are that neither party will be happy. The strange thing is that the 'controller' is often the one with psychological problem.

 

[Green Gaia]

I agree with all of you, but you also have to keep this in mind about the subject of jealousy: If he didnt get jealous, maybe he doesnt care, but he did get jealous at least he cares enough to be jealous.

I'm sorry, but that's a load of crap. Jealousy does not equal caring. All it proved is that he is insecure.

 

[Lookingformeaning]

Maybe your right. All I know is that me and my ex have been broken up for a little over a month and I am still jealous of him.

 

[Prima]

Well, I talked to him about it last night...made for a pretty tense dinner, but I think he understood a little.

Thanks for all the comments

 

[Quoth The Raven]

Maybe your right. All I know is that me and my ex have been broken up for a little over a month and I am still jealous of him.

Yeah, but if you'd stumbled into a relationship with someone else by now, you wouldn't care so much what he was up to.
I could go out and flirt myself stupid if I wanted to, because my other halfs attitude is that at the end of the night I'm going home with him. The only time I've ever seen him get even remotely touchy was with a guy we both used to work with...but that basically came down to the fact that the guy was reasonably full of himself, and he didn't like him.

 

[fromthe heart]

Jealousy to me is just another form of fear...He fears losing you,fears he might lose control of you...I gotta tell you if you aren't the type that likes to play games then it's best you tell him...relationships+the jealousy game = disaster!


If you deal with each other on an honest foreground and don't allow games to be a part of your relationship then if he's dealing with these situations in this way; you may want to take a better look your situation and see if this is something you really want to be the norm. Some like a controlling other half but if you aren't one of those who want to give up your idenity you better look at the situation more realistically...guys who act in jealousy are usually needy, underconfident, and have no idea of what a real loving relationship is. Most end up needing mothered...and don't expect him to care when you are most down because he will be too caught up in himself to care HOW you feel. I don't feel all the guys who have an innocent pang of jealousy every now and again are this way but the ones who walk the other side of that line are usually disasters...If he falls into the obsessive group then run for your life or be drug under along with him. Jealous people are not always guys...there are females on the same power trip.

Hope I haven't offended anyone...this is just my personal opinion.

 

[Prima]

Jealousy to me is just another form of fear...He fears losing you,fears he might lose control of you...I gotta tell you if you aren't the type that likes to play games then it's best you tell him...relationships+the jealousy game = disaster!


If you deal with each other on an honest foreground and don't allow games to be a part of your relationship then if he's dealing with these situations in this way; you may want to take a better look your situation and see if this is something you really want to be the norm. Some like a controlling other half but if you aren't one of those who want to give up your idenity you better look at the situation more realistically...guys who act in jealousy are usually needy, underconfident, and have no idea of what a real loving relationship is. Most end up needing mothered...and don't expect him to care when you are most down because he will be too caught up in himself to care HOW you feel. I don't feel all the guys who have an innocent pang of jealousy every now and again are this way but the ones who walk the other side of that line are usually disasters...If he falls into the obsessive group then run for your life or be drug under along with him. Jealous people are not always guys...there are females on the same power trip.

I'm feeling a bit guilty now because I don't think I gave an accurate grasp of the situation.

First of all, this isn't a typical teenage guy and girl relationship. First of all, I'm the one who's 'needy, underconfident' and I really DON'T know what a loving relationship is, because for many reasons I haven't had many in my life. He's been with me through a lot of tough issues - I'm the one who usually needs the mothering.

He DOES have a reason to be jealous. In all honesty, if I were him, I would be. I cheated on him once. He told me he forgave me, etc - but realistically, this whole situation is my fault.

 

[mrscardero]

I'm feeling a bit guilty now because I don't think I gave an accurate grasp of the situation.

First of all, this isn't a typical teenage guy and girl relationship. First of all, I'm the one who's 'needy, underconfident' and I really DON'T know what a loving relationship is, because for many reasons I haven't had many in my life. He's been with me through a lot of tough issues - I'm the one who usually needs the mothering.

He DOES have a reason to be jealous. In all honesty, if I were him, I would be. I cheated on him once. He told me he forgave me, etc - but realistically, this whole situation is my fault.

I haven't had a lot of relationships either. In all my 26 almost 27 years, I have probably had 3 boyfriends, 1 ex-husband and one husband. My first husband was the one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Things happen and he decided to move on. One thing I let them know is that, there is no need to lie to me. Tell me the truth. Don't hide things from me. Don't cheat behind my back. If you don't want to be with me anymore, tell me. Yes, it will hurt, but I will move on.

I am with carrdero now and we trust, love and understand each other. No need to lie to each other. No need to cheat on each other. No need to be jealous either.

Lightkeeper
Your boyfriend is protecting what he thinks is his territory. Your are not his territory. I think jealousy goes too far when you are restricted by the other person's jealousy. It sounds like you are being restricted.

LK is right about "territory". carrdero and I are not each others territory. We are individuals. One thing carrdero and I have is the understanding that if the love we have for each other is no longer that love of husband and wife, we know what to do. We can still love each other as friends. Again, no need to cheat, no need to lie, no need to give up the love of being friends. We were friends before we said "I Do."

I agree with all of you, but you also have to keep this in mind about the subject of jealousy: If he didnt get jealous, maybe he doesnt care, but he did get jealous at least he cares enough to be jealous. Sorry if that sounded confusing.

Him being jealous is not caring for her as what Maize stated as him being insecure. If he can't trust her, then there is a reason. If he can't stand the fact that she is talking or getting a massage from a man, then there is a reason. As Prima has put it, she has cheated on him and he forgave her. He forgives, but he doesn't forget.

Trust now has to be earned. He trusted her once, it seems like he is questioning whether he can trust her again or at all.

I would have to type that carrdero works with a lot of females. A lot of them young and attractive. I don't have to be jealous. Why should I? I trust him. Again, I don't own him. If he chooses to be with one of them, that's his choice. Who am I to say what he should do? Yes, I have the title of mrs. carrdero, but to me, it's a name change. What he chooses to do with his life is his choice. I know he would let me know about it instead of cheating on me behind my back.

michel 'Control' in any relationship is deadly; believe me. If a relationship is based on control, the chances are that neither party will be happy. The strange thing is that the 'controller' is often the one with psychological problem.

True....So true.

Truth, love and understanding.