My church and spiritual group journal

[Riders]

So my sisters have been on my back about several things of late and I'm trying to make changes that are positive to cooperate with my living situation. I'm mentally ill and my sisters do help me out a lot.

But they are conservative Christians 2 of them are who are always want to get me back into the church. I live in Mesquite Tx which doesn't have a dart bus and I don't have a car. I'm obese too so if I go into Dallas I have to take a taxi which is expensive.

I'm on disability though I do make a little bit from a part time job not a lot. I have one sister who helps me pay for cable tv and my cell phone I am spoiled.

They raked me over the coals with the fact that when I take a taxi to UU church or my Indian restaurant for the poetry group I have to spend my welfare money.If I were going to church in Mesquite I could get a ride from the church or maybe my sisters would be able to take me because its close.

Mesquite how do I describe it? Actually Theres been a few non Christian groups out here like a Zen group and a philosophy meetup at one time, but they closed quickly. My opinion is Christians don't want anything but Christian churches out here.

My sisters say they want me to change because theyd rather me be in Mesquite in a safer neighborhood and it keeps the costs down.

So I said ok Ill figure out something. But if I confront them and say theyre trying to get me in church they'll deny it because my parents wanted to give me the freedom to go where I wanted to.

Anyways they say its because of the conveinience.

So ok I said there is one lady who has offered me rides at my UU church, Ill get her to take me home. If I only pay for one taxi and go once a month then go somewhere in Mesquite the rest of the time they should be shockingly happy.

So I visited the United Methodist church 2 years ago and I really like them. Theyre a liberal church and I told them I practice Zen at home and go to the UU church;

And they said they are somewhat Universal too and I could join their church and still practice other religions.

So I called them yesterday and said I just cant join the church because I cant wrap my mind around Christianity. But they said its ok for me to go visit regular without being a Christian and they said theyd love to have me go visit regular.

I did this in part to be loving respectful to my sisters and also let them know I'm inclusive of Christians and I want to do the right thing, its a huge huge monumental change.

My oldest sister is happy about it.

My other Christian Jewish sister isn't saying anything to me and I know its because shes gonna tell me she hates my church and Uh Methodists aren't Christian.I made a huge changed to cooperate with them and shes gonna **** on it oh well.

YIKES I'm scared to see her when we go out to eat next week, but it proves to me that shes a big fat liar. Shes not worried about me using too much money to buy a taxi and convience she really just wants to get me into church.'

But anyways Ill write more about the United Methodists later,I actually did really like the way they did their service, it was nice.

 

[Riders]

I was too sick when I wrote that's till am sick still have strep throat and stuck at home. I'm not doing it, if I don't believe like them I'm not attending service and I'm not pretending to be a Christian to go there.Im finding other stuff in Mesquite to do plus I'm going back to Uu anyways.

 

[Riders]

Anyways now that I'm well I'm in my right mind again. Going back to UU and then I'm going to either the Unity church or maybe Cosmic Café again which should be fun I cant wait.

I'm also going to start going to Narcotics Anonymous. They allow anyone with an addiction to go regardless of what the addiction is..Mine is sex addiction. I look forward to being able to go to a face to face meeting for sex addiction.

I know theres some Christians who go there who like to witness though.

 

[Burl]

What?...Girls can be porn addicts too?

 

[Riders]

That's a sexist thing to say. Ive heard rumour that some Christianized 12 step programs don't accept women into their sex addiction programs. In my life time, Ive prostituted myself for 3 days to truck drivers 20 years ago, 6 weeks through phone sex job on the phone; spent time a few days at porn movies I know few days at BDSM private clubs;

and many many days going to meetup and groups for BDSM and POlyamoury with my Polyamourous boyfriend of 2 years,
and I use to spend days and nights stay up all night on second life virtual reality game having cyber sex through the game and practicing bdsm with others avatars who animated my avatar Buffy to be sexual : I use to stay up all ngiht with guys I get off the net to have phone sex with me and sometime sphone sex and watch porn with them looking at female porn,

I use to stay up all night cruising dating websight sights for profiles and cha tonline with men through the dating websight all night I did it so long so many hours I became exhausted eventually suggested to my sister maybe I should go into the hospital for exhaustion and eventually had some physical issues from compulsive masturbation thought I might go to the psychiatric ward.

Ive still got my physical issues but its not as bad as it was, but Ive got 5 months of sobriety. I was molested at the age of 15 in a psychiatric ward.
I lived in psycho wards as a teenager because of the 80s psychiatric profession wasnt as advanced as now, they were still primitive and made teenagers who were mentally ill go live in psych wards.

Itw as very traumatizing and I acted out with teen guys in order to survive. So that's how it started as a teen.

 

[Riders]

Well I had gone to zen suffi poetry group but sense I now have a job cant go. I'm still having issues at my own UU church. There has been leaders who have stepped down they hired someone for secretary I disagree with. They gave the wrong info told us there would be a service when there wasn't. She gave me a ride home long story short I don't see my church making good descisions right now. I also have an ex sexual acting out partner there.I have 9 weeks and 4 days of sobriety now.

I'm thinking right now about visiting another UU church in the DFW instead should be fun.

Theres some stuff I like to write about my feelings about Christianity no one can relate too so I'm putting it here.

When I was a teenager had gone to nondenominational church had gotten obsessed with the alter call and saying the sinners prayer over and over. Its magical thinking thinking things will change magically by joining a Christian church.

But to me these days especially with Baptists but with other Christians too they seem to be obsessed with the alter call and the right way to be saved. Saying the right words doing the right alter call seems to me that many are what I consider ocd with the right way to be saved the right church to get into the right ritual the alter call because they get saved over and over again.

To me the fact that there seems to be obsessions with this, to me means they are more rapped up in getting a free pass out of hell then they are Jesus or God, and more rapped up in being able to say their the ones with truth better then other churches instead of God or Jesus.

Let me put it this way, I believe anytime you enter into any religion or new spirituality, if it is truly spiritual to you then you will at some point accept the spirit of the religion or accept their God as your savior. Its natural. But I dont hover and obsess on the day I start knowing when I was earthbased and Zen Buddhist.

For some reasons Christians know the exact day they got saved and exact day when they got baptized the exact right right facts about the churches doctrine and who they say Jesus is after they get the class, having excact facts about being saved is the most important thing to them.

This is not all Christians obviously,Im just saying growing up in Zen and Paganism I can cry to the Gods and goddesses I have a relationship with my higher power.I talk to people who believe like me I crave the spiritual peace, I feel peaceful.

To me any religion who make a big mental stink over how you joint the religion and if your going to hell or not, I just don't have any interest in that,Im too busy giving money to nature based groups, trying to change and do stuff to help our causes,I have a relationship with my higher power,Im in love with God. To me that's to be religious. Everytime I get around Christians they want me to become pscyho obsessed with not going to hell and obsessed with the alter call. Its obsession for some Christians its an ocd.

But my religion isn't perfect either, theres obsessed insanos in my religion too, I don't want to look down on Christianity, I see a lot of good stuff in the bible. But if I read it I don't read from the perspective of being saved.

 

[Burl]

I fell off the wagon twice since my New Year's resolution in 2013. I found a six-pack in the woods and the other time a bottle of wine, maybe I'll get lucky, again, and find something that takes me where I really want to go (alcohol just really doesn't do it). I found a really nice clasp-knife the other day while walking the dog, it's the second one I've found in a year and the third since I tripped over a Special-Forces knife in the jungles of Panama forty years ago.

 

[Riders]

yea well anyways that's I get from the church but others get a lot out of it it comes off as ritualistic to me and magical thinking accept Jesus and it all goes away its a magic pill but then again I cant say whats right for others some have used the church to get sober so who am I to say its wrong.

But what I'm get at bottom line is this,. I could never become a Christian in many of the Christian churches because Id never respond to an alter call because Ive done it a thousand times it would be a joke against God to do it again. The churches who have them wont let you join without that plus a class to teach doctrines.

Hey you also got to verbally claim you believe like them and prove to them by taking a Christian test by claiming you understand the Trinity and Jesus is God. Well that's no where in the bible none of that is and making people take tests to prove your a Christian to me is blaphemus I don't need to prove to anyone what religion I am. So but I wouldn't enter into any religion under strict rituals like that.

ANyways I'm starting to sound like a hater I apologize I'm wrong. I'm thinking about visiting the United Methodist church again, no alter calls there theyre pretty sweet.

Christianity and being saved was just an obsession with me and maybe I'm just get rid of some of that old energy. I just don't understand why my sisters are obsessed with that.I thought Id be magically saved God would clean up my life everything bad would disappear.

 

[Riders]

Sorry for obsessive writing about Christianity. I am mentally ill and its not easy for me to understand all religions and Christian churches who use the accepting Jesus and alter calls are confusing to me, also when I was in church I was mentally ill sometimes my thoughts and wiritng about church can be psycho obsessive Im sorry. I am mentally ill.

I guess Im just amazed at how easy for like some of the Baptist churches to witness to me and just assume autimatically that I udnerstand whats going on when I understand nothing, its confusing to me.

Anyways lets get off the negatives. I dont know if Im going to the United Methodist church,Im not Christian but they said sense theyre a little bit universal and their group is allowed to go to different religions even if theyre members. So they said I could visit without joining if I wanted to even if Im not Christian. Its a nice service I like them but havnt decided if Im going to take advantage of that.

Having issues with my specific UU church. Im going to write more later.

 

[Riders]

Well I went and visited a Zen meditation group, the guy did a voice guided ,meditation. It was good. Because of my weight loss I was able to fit in the hard chairs, I was really worried about getting down there making a fool out of myself not being able to fit in the chairs.

Zen groups are different then going to church. Some require you sit on the floor so not everyone can take part in them. Its just necessary to be in a sitting position to meditate. So not everyone can go.

Ive been burned out on Christians who try to get me in the church by promising there are people there exactly like me, or the recovery programs trying to get me in their meetings for over eating with other over eaters, wishing to group me up in a group with people exactly exactly like me age and otherwise.

Yuck. Its sort of refreshing to be in a group of people who aren't exactly like me most of them were , well not all of them were fit but more fit then me put it that way.I was happy though that I fit in the chairs. I'm taking a break from the UU church. I'm gonna start going to meditation twice a month.

I relapsed from sex 3 months ago, my body is still on fire, having pain from the relapse, I need prayer and meditation and peace in my life. The last thing I need is a man I don't need anymore sex or high calorie foods. I'm still losing weight and that gives me peace too.

But hopfully the meditation group will be very helpful to my sobriety, the teacher said hes gonna put his book and some of his stuff up on the net this year sometime so we can see it.