Need advice, marrieds and committed couples please read

[Noirhaired]

I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years and I have to say that this relationship is not going anywhere anymore. I find myself becoming short with him, impatient, and other things that aren't the most positive for a relationship.

Over the last year and a half certain behaviors really started to worry me, and still do. Just to let everyone know, he is NOT abusive in anyway and has not cheated on me (in case these may be already-made conjectures). It's just that his temper has gotten bad and to me anger management is really important. I'm not saying I'm perfect, yes I get really mad but it's how I choose to handle it and express it which is important. The way he handles it is not healthy.

Also, I feel like he's always made excuses time and time again. We barely spend any time together and he always says it's because of the job he has (he works 2 jobs) but I always tell him (and I have found several for him) that there are ALWAYS other jobs that will pay better, yet he refuses to take them, insisting that he "has to stick with the job route his degree is related to". Yes that does make sense, but when you are out of work and are struggling to make ends meet-- to me you take whatever is good that you can get, and try to gain cross-applicable skills.

Another excuse, and what really bothers me, is that he is "always too tired" to actually spend time with me and he never seems enthused about it either...yet when it comes to hanging out at work and going to the conventions and meetings and so forth, he has all this energy! I've tried to embody the positiveness and energy that I think he's getting from his work but it's as if my efforts go unnoticed. I can't even begin to tell you of the many days and nights I've made plans to do something fun and interesting with him, only to have him call me at 7 at night and say he's too tired to do anything because he was at a convention all day. I'm not clingy, but when your friends start to ask you time and time again every week for the last 6 months "hey, how come you aren't with your boyfriend" you start to realize how lonely you are.

These few things aren't even the surface problems. We have issues with communication-- it usually involves me trying to talk and endure his interruptions all the time, and then I give up trying to talk. I've mentioned this to him every now and then and he insists that he has made improvements but I can't see anything. He's even accussed me of placing "due dates" on him-- but I mean, after 3 years, what else am I supposed to do? He accusses me of not being there for him and not supporting him when he has supported me through my bad times but I'm so tired of this-- nothing ever seems to get better or improve. I can't even see this relationship in a positive light anymore. In a way I can't blame him because this past year was really hard for him and work and living arrangements weren't working out, so he had to work a lot during the week and so forth...but once again, it goes back to my thoughts about getting a different job.

I've learned that I have limits and there are certain things where after a time, I just can't be there for another person. It takes so much out of me. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know. But I do know that one woman I spoke to about this said one thing that keeps coming back to me: "This will only get worse after marriage."

I know that I am not a perfect person and I don't expect him to be either. But I don't want to be in a relationship that's dead end and I don't even feel in love anymore. Considering that it was just valentine's, that is a pretty sad thing to say but I don't feel in love anymore. The first year and a half we were together I couldn't wait to be with him-- and now I feel nothing.

He asked me if I could list 5 positive things about him or improvements and I couldn't do it because I can't even see any of it.

I know that even though I have improved in some ways, I have failed in other ways as well. I find it hard to think positive sometimes and I don't have rose-colored glasses the way he does. He is VERY idealistic and I'm realistic-- even though he thinks I'm negative most of the time. I don't go around with a black cloud over my head, no but there are times when I need to take a step back and look at something realistically instead of setting myself up for disastor.

I've tried talking to some friends and family members about this and everyone tells me something different. I made the mistake of talking about this with my mom:sarcastic and she just about flipped out when I tried to talk to her about this and insisted that I needed to put more work into a relationship and marriage isn't always a bed of roses. Some of my friends said that in a long term relationship, someone should be able to make marked improvements in at least 6 months, and some said I should have broken up a long time ago. And a couple of my friends think the problem is me, and I need to think more positively and hope for the best. For the most part, everyone would like to see us engaged but they aren't us...

what should I do? is it me?

 

[Draka]

Sometimes it takes a long time for people's real temperments to show in a relationship. And sometimes they just aren't compatible. It's sounds as if you have given this a lot of time and thought so telling you to "just give it time" is something I will not do. I will, however, tell you what I had to eventually tell myself. There is only so long you can work on a relationship if you are the only one working. At some point you have to take an inside look at your own self and your own happiness. If you aren't happy then the relationship is not working, period. At some point, after all the work to make a relationship viable, if one person is not happy in it then it shouldn't be.

I had this problem with my last husband. We went through a traumatic experience together and we had two totally different ways of coping with it. We started growing apart in our life veiw. That is to say that I had tried to deal with my feelings and put the past behind me and look to improving myself and my future while he dwelt and got stuck in a rut. No matter how I tried to bring him out of his rut it didn't work. In fact he tried to make me feel guilty for not being with him in his anger, rage and depression over our loss. After a while it bred contempt. The more I tried to be happy and better myself and move on the more he resented me and accused me of all kinds of things. I could only try to help him so long before I realized that he had to help himself and it was time for me to do the same in regards to how I felt. I wanted to be happy and feel loved and I felt neither with him anymore and so I left him.

Now I'm not saying that the two situations are exactly the same, but the differences between you two could eventually breed contempt and eventual emotional or verbal abuse. Either way, I say there needs to be a break of some kind. I think you have every right to leave the relationship. If you are not happy in it then it will only bring you pain in the long run. Even if it's only a trial break...to give him space to figure out what he needs to do with his life without feeling as if he is being hovered over or whatnot, then give it a try. But if you truly don't feel loved or love him in return...then what are you waiting for?

 

[XAAX]

what should I do? is it me?

My only advice is, if there arn't children involved, don't have any until you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him. If there are, then decide if the quality of life would be better for you and your child in a healthier relationship. It sounds to me from what you have explained that you already know how you feel about him. Love isn't something that should come and go with the moment. You may have things that irritate you about the person you are with, but if you Love them, that never changes.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

With my last relationship, I loved her, and still do, but her having a two year old made it frustrating most of the time. I honestly did try to work around it, then used the mentality of "he comes as a part of her," but it was usually a case of thier was something we both wanted to do, but couldn't because she couldn't find a sitter. No problem, we'll just hang out at her place. That didn't work either, because no one would leave us alone. It was rare that we had even five minutes alone to talk to each other.

 

[joeboonda]

Sounds like you are being taken for granted. I am not you nor am I there to see exactly everything so take this with a grain of salt. If he truly loves you it will come out if you tell him, hey, I need some space and time, so for now, I am going back to just dating, you and anyone else I want. When he sees you are serious, he will either go crazy and express his undying love for you, or he will go his own way. However, do not make the mistake of jumping right back in the moment he freaks out, wait a bit to see if he actually changes the way he treats you. If you don't like what you see, say so long. I have been married 17 years so I am kinda out of the dating loop, although I know you are way past just dating. I am also a big proponent of marriage, but only if both parties are deeply in love and deeply like each other. Yes we have small things that irritate us, but my wife and I spend any time we can together, and enjoy it, too. Well, don't know if that helps any but God bless you.

 

[joeboonda]

Oh yeah, and listen to that still small voice as Oprah says. Can't believe I just said that, lol, but it works.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Oy, I don't know if I'm the best source of wisdom here with a failed marriage on my belt.............



To be truthful, there's only so much perspective I personally have on this issue since only your side of the story is being represented. I'm not sure what kind of advice you want since your man is shown to be "not abusive", yet he seems somewhat villified. You also seemed very defensive when given advice from your mother (even though I don't know how applicable marital advice is for you given that you're not married..........it IS different).



I hope I don't sound snippy here, but I'd be really tired, too, if I had two jobs. If his work is encouraging the kind of "extra" commitments from him in the form of conventions, meetings, etc. and he's passionate about it, I'd ask him how exactly he'd want support from you. I don't find that an unreasonable request.



Now, if he somehow tells you that "support" means "being there beck and call", then I'd take issue with it.



It sounds to me that you're wanting more time from him than he is willing to give. But it also sounds like one of either two things:

1) You've fallen out of love with him and are ready to move on, yet the familiarity of the relationship is difficult for you to
2) You're incredibly bitter and resentful and are taking out your feelings on him


Either scenario is rather simple to fix, hon. If it's 1), be honest with yourself and with him that the both of you have come to a crossroads and are choosing different paths. You honestly need more from him, and he honestly needs more time at work. There isn't anything "wrong" with this except any ideas that a relationship will actually work under such polarized expectations. It would be impossible to reconcile.


If it's 2), I always try to tell myself that when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Use that time away from your boyfriend as ways to involve yourself into other activities without him. He's looking to improve his own individual life. You can certainly do the same. There's nothing wrong with going out with your girlfriends, finding local meetups, taking an extra class here and there, or just doing your own thing. You'd be surprised just how much you can be happy using your own time for yourself.



But I think it all rests with how you really feel about him. I wonder if I'm in the minority of women when it comes to requiring quality time with your significant other since I think quality time should be enjoyed, not required. Now, when marriage hits, then we can talk about time spent at home. And with children, it's that much more vital. At that point, it isn't about what is best for you, or what he's doing that's best for him..........it's what is best for the family.



It truly is different when you're married. Right now, do what's best for you. Just be honest with yourself, and that takes courage to look yourself in the mirror to see what's really going on.




Peace,
Mystic

 

[michel]

I was interested by your comment

He asked me if I could list 5 positive things about him or improvements and I couldn't do it because I can't even see any of it.

; Have you thought of ansking him the same question?

The only positive here is that you don't have children. A marriage (or relatioship) goes through several stages; the first being "being in love" - with all the physical side of the relationship, and the need to be with other all the time.

Of course, that tends to wear away after a time, but during that period the companionship and love are building to replace the "youthful infatuation"........it sounds a bit like the stage after the initial infatuation hasn't materialised between the two of you..

What might be a good idea is to have "space" away from each other - and monitor how you both feel; if you aren't "bothered" about the space, then I suggest you seriously think about admitting to yourself that there is nothing left in this relationship.

 

[Noirhaired]

I'm not sure what kind of advice you want since your man is shown to be "not abusive", yet he seems somewhat villified.

Well typically whenever you say that anger is a problem, most people jump to the conclusion that the other person must be abusive, physically or emotionally. I wanted to mention that he isn't abusive.

I hope I don't sound snippy here, but I'd be really tired, too, if I had two jobs.

Well...duh.

If his work is encouraging the kind of "extra" commitments from him in the form of conventions, meetings, etc. and he's passionate about it, I'd ask him how exactly he'd want support from you. I don't find that an unreasonable request.

That's the thing-- these are NOT required committments. It's a basic requirement that he only has to attend ONE of the many meetings and conventions out of the month, but he attends every single one-- and sometimes that adds up to 8-10 events. I don't mean to play the "well if you don't do this for me, I won't for you game" but there are a few things that I have fallen out of committment from and even enthusiasm because he wasn't supportive, and didn't want to be understanding about it either. For example, I used to really like being in my university's intramural women's lacrosse (it kept me active) but he really looked down on it so I actually stopped going because of how much negativity he was giving me about it. But a lot of the time, the minute I show doubt about something he's interested in, I'm automatically "demanding and negative."

Now, if he somehow tells you that "support" means "being there beck and call", then I'd take issue with it.

That's what it's starting to feel like. I have given up a lot of activities and things of interest over the past 2 years because he felt that it was taking me away from him...and now it just feels like his work and so forth is taking him away from me, but I'm supposed to be okay about it.

It sounds to me that you're wanting more time from him than he is willing to give. But it also sounds like one of either two things:

1) You've fallen out of love with him and are ready to move on, yet the familiarity of the relationship is difficult for you to
2) You're incredibly bitter and resentful and are taking out your feelings on him

Either scenario is rather simple to fix, hon. If it's 1), be honest with yourself and with him that the both of you have come to a crossroads and are choosing different paths. You honestly need more from him, and he honestly needs more time at work. There isn't anything "wrong" with this except any ideas that a relationship will actually work under such polarized expectations. It would be impossible to reconcile.

I would have to say that it's neither. I WANT to make a choice about whether or not I should end this relationship, but I want to know that I really considered all the options and truly made a good decision which was going to be best for the both of us, and not just everything I want.

I always think that every kind of relationship is a two-way street but when you feel like you're constantly running into dead ends, it gets really frustrating. We both have had talks about how to resolve these issues time and time again-- how much more do we need to talk about these things before action occurs? To me, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

I don't think I'm demanding time from him, or demanding anything. For the most part, I just wish to be acknowledged.

If it's 2), I always try to tell myself that when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Use that time away from your boyfriend as ways to involve yourself into other activities without him. He's looking to improve his own individual life. You can certainly do the same. There's nothing wrong with going out with your girlfriends, finding local meetups, taking an extra class here and there, or just doing your own thing. You'd be surprised just how much you can be happy using your own time for yourself.

But you see, that's a problem. Whenever I take up an activity or a new one, he gets mad and insists that I'm becoming too indepedent for this relationship. For instance, I used to be really big into the outdoors and going on walking trails and birdwatching and astronomy, all things which he liked to do as well. But he insisted that I did it "too much" even though I only did it once a week and always asked him to join me! I always asked for his input and always wanted to make sure he was okay with an activity.

I do think at one point I offended him because one day he joked about being "a loner" and that he was " a boring homebody" so I joke back (at least I thought it was) about how that's why I'm around to make things more fun.

But I think it all rests with how you really feel about him. I wonder if I'm in the minority of women when it comes to requiring quality time with your significant other since I think quality time should be enjoyed, not required. Now, when marriage hits, then we can talk about time spent at home. And with children, it's that much more vital. At that point, it isn't about what is best for you, or what he's doing that's best for him..........it's what is best for the family.

I never said that quality time is required, but what is the point of a relationship when you never have the time to well...relate? When it only happens once or maybe twice a month, you start to wonder if you even have a relationship.

As far as a family, I've come across many people who say that they are happier at work or doing their own thing than they are with their partner or their family. I don't want that for myself or a family because that's definately what it feels like right now.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Ah, ok. From what you're saying, I can tell why you're in a bit of a quandry. See the above post by Michel. I think he hit the nail on the head, and I'd suggest the same thing.



When dealing with anger, the best thing I can say is don't let his stomach acid become yours. If he has a problem with your activities when it really shouldn't be a problem, let him deal with it. It's useless to try to argue with some over an irrational attitude because there's no rational solution that can ever come out of it. If he's really upset over this, then he really is out of line with his comments.



I hear duct-tape works really well.



JUST KIDDING! JUST KIDDING!




Peace,
Mystic

 

[Noirhaired]

Then I've got another quandry. I tried talking to him about this again tonight and he insists that I have no right to judge him when the past year or so was one of the worst in his life. Am I being judgemental and assuming that he/we should still be able to "go on as normal" even though he did have tough times financially, with his career, and with his living situations?

or does it just show how we clash in tough times?

But then again this makes me ask-- overall, can I expect him, or another man, to basically be perfect? How do I know that even after breaking up with him, that I won't have this problem with another guy I end up with?

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Try the Magic 8 Ball.

LOL It'll likely give better advice than me at this point. :hug:




Peace,
Mystic

 

[Draka]

Then I've got another quandry. I tried talking to him about this again tonight and he insists that I have no right to judge him when the past year or so was one of the worst in his life. Am I being judgemental and assuming that he/we should still be able to "go on as normal" even though he did have tough times financially, with his career, and with his living situations?

or does it just show how we clash in tough times?

But then again this makes me ask-- overall, can I expect him, or another man, to basically be perfect? How do I know that even after breaking up with him, that I won't have this problem with another guy I end up with?

Roughly, yes. Re-read my previous post. You're dealing with a difference in temperments.

You have already voiced your feelings about whether you love him or not. You're in denial hun. I did the same thing. I even wrote in my journal that I felt that I didn't love my ex and that I felt trapped in the relationship and so on and so forth 6 months before I came to my senses. I had to look back at my journal and realize that despite my efforts and my talks with him that nothing had changed. Holding on to something that was making me miserable inside was not healthy and it's not healthy for you either.

You're not asking any man to be perfect. You're not perfect. None of us are. You do, however, need someone on the same general wavelength of how to handle life and the trials it brings with it. Someone with the same general outlook and it doesn't appear that this man has that.

 

[Noirhaired]

Well I just wanted to update everyone: I have broken up with him. He was pretty heartbroken to be honest...but I can't live my life always thinking that someone is going to change when they don't actually DO it. That is what I told him last time we talked when he asked me to reconsider...and it really hurt to tell him that, but it was the truth. Maybe, it he is able to find someone who will be on that wavelength then I'm happy for him...but I can't do it, and I hope that I'm not seen as a selfish person or someone who gives up on others.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

I think that you should talk with a close friend who knows both you and your boyfriend.

Also, as a word of caution - if you've been living together for a few years, the state may consider the two of you married and treat the division of property as a divorce. Just something to consider...

 

[Noirhaired]

Nope, we never lived together or were together for a few years-- 3 years about, not that long.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Nope, we never lived together or were together for a few years-- 3 years about, not that long.

I live about 9 lifetimes in 3 years.

I've been with my wife for 10, and I can't imagine life without her - 6 years of marriage and 4 years dating. That's 18 1/3 of my lifetimes.

 

[Comprehend]

Oh yeah, and listen to that still small voice as Oprah says. Can't believe I just said that, lol, but it works.

I think Oprah got it from somewhere else...


1 Kgs 19:11-12
11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; [but] the LORD [was] not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; [but] the LORD [was] not in the earthquake:
12 And after the earthquake a fire; [but] the LORD [was] not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.