For some time now I have been in a state of spiritual malaise. Slothful in prayer, rankled by doubt and without real remorse for my sins; it seemed to me that I was slowly losing my faith. My sense of doubt had become severe enough that there were moments when I was not sure I even believed. I entertained doctrines contrary to the truths of the Christian faith. Doctrines that tickled my ears.
And so I languished in this state for some time. But earlier today I felt a sudden remorse for my infidelity to Christ. A deep sense of shame over my sins suddenly afflicted my soul. And so, with this context in mind, as I served at the altar for Holy Thursday Mass earlier this evening I was deeply moved by the beauty of the traditional liturgy. It is as if God used this Holy Thursday to stir me from the spiritual stupor to which I had succumbed. To awaken me to a truth of the Christian calling to which I had become forgetful; to be merely in the world rather than of it. I think this is the principal conflict within my soul. That while I desire right relationship with God I fail to desire him enough to abandon the attachments inimical to that end. I had allowed those attachments to carry me to the point of near apostasy. Thanks be to God I did not cross that line.
Faith as an intellectual proposition cannot long stand. Faith must be embraced not just in mind but in heart and soul as well. And while faith is a gift from God we on our part must be diligent and cultivate it though lived action and not merely by intellectual assent. This is where I failed to do my part. I took faith for granted and it suffered under the battering ram of doubt. Willfully entertained doubt. I entertained this doubt because a part of me wished to abandon the Cross. To abandon the uncompromising truths of the Gospel for the malleable and rationalized opinions of the world.
And so I intend to respond to the grace God has granted me. I will start with something I have long avoided taking up. The daily recitation of the rosary. As many saints attest to this prayer as a most powerful means of fortifying one's faith. My intentions will focus on asking for ever greater capacity to love God.
To my fellow Catholics, or even to my fellow Christians, have a blessed Easter. May it be an occasion of renewed faith for you as it is for me.
And so I languished in this state for some time. But earlier today I felt a sudden remorse for my infidelity to Christ. A deep sense of shame over my sins suddenly afflicted my soul. And so, with this context in mind, as I served at the altar for Holy Thursday Mass earlier this evening I was deeply moved by the beauty of the traditional liturgy. It is as if God used this Holy Thursday to stir me from the spiritual stupor to which I had succumbed. To awaken me to a truth of the Christian calling to which I had become forgetful; to be merely in the world rather than of it. I think this is the principal conflict within my soul. That while I desire right relationship with God I fail to desire him enough to abandon the attachments inimical to that end. I had allowed those attachments to carry me to the point of near apostasy. Thanks be to God I did not cross that line.
Faith as an intellectual proposition cannot long stand. Faith must be embraced not just in mind but in heart and soul as well. And while faith is a gift from God we on our part must be diligent and cultivate it though lived action and not merely by intellectual assent. This is where I failed to do my part. I took faith for granted and it suffered under the battering ram of doubt. Willfully entertained doubt. I entertained this doubt because a part of me wished to abandon the Cross. To abandon the uncompromising truths of the Gospel for the malleable and rationalized opinions of the world.
And so I intend to respond to the grace God has granted me. I will start with something I have long avoided taking up. The daily recitation of the rosary. As many saints attest to this prayer as a most powerful means of fortifying one's faith. My intentions will focus on asking for ever greater capacity to love God.
To my fellow Catholics, or even to my fellow Christians, have a blessed Easter. May it be an occasion of renewed faith for you as it is for me.
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