Parental Responsibility

[Lightkeeper]

Do you think once a parent always a parent, or is there an age the parents stop parenting? Also, if an offspring screws up their life after the age of 18, should the parents be blamed or are the child's choices their own?

 

[Mister Emu]

Do you think once a parent always a parent, or is there an age the parents stop parenting?

From my own parents and the parents of my friends, it is once a parent always a parent.

Also, if an offspring screws up their life after the age of 18, should the parents be blamed or are the child's choices their own?

It depends, I think a parent can seriously screw with a person until they are in a very bad state, but still in the end it is the choice of the offspring to decide how to live their life.

So I believe a parent can contribute substantially(sp) to their offspring's life, but not choose the actual path.

 

[Ceridwen018]

I agree with that, Emu.

 

[Circle_One]

Do you think once a parent always a parent, or is there an age the parents stop parenting?

I know with regards to myself; albeit, my son isn't grown yet, he's only 6, I still "mother" my friends when they seem they need it.

 

[Quoth The Raven]

Once a parent, always a parent, obviously.
However: as an adult you make your choices. There's been a whole school of popular psychology built around telling people that they are poor human beings because they didn't get a puppy when they were six and so it isn't their fault. That's garbage...find out what your problem is if you have one and then deal with it and move on. Parents can screw you up, certainly, but there comes a time when you as an adult make the choice as to whether you're going to let it continue or not.

 

[Circle_One]

However: as an adult you make your choices. There's been a whole school of popular psychology built around telling people that they are poor human beings because they didn't get a puppy when they were six and so it isn't their fault. That's garbage...find out what your problem is if you have one and then deal with it and move on. Parents can screw you up, certainly, but there comes a time when you as an adult make the choice as to whether you're going to let it continue or not.

Lady, methinks this post is a remnant of an earlier post of yours on another thread

 

[Simon the Cat]

Certainly once a parent, always a parent (which is sometimes a real ball and chain thought) - you must continue to love and care about a person even if they, in their maturity insist on making terrible choices or hurting themselves. However, at some point one does become an adult and is considered capable of making their own decisions - hence ideas about the age of majority (18 for voting, 25 for car rental) and all those various coming of age religious ceremonies (confirmation, bar/bas mitzpah, vision quests etc....) - this rituals are all supposed to delinate when you are allowed to be held soley responsible for your own good or bad ideas. It is understood that no one is raised in a vacuum- we all have influences but at some point, only a person can be held responsible for their own actions.

 

[jewscout]

Once a parent always a parent. I'm 23 and on my own but my mom still acts like i'm 10.

 

[Melody]

Do you think once a parent always a parent, or is there an age the parents stop parenting? Also, if an offspring screws up their life after the age of 18, should the parents be blamed or are the child's choices their own?

I'm sorry....this is really quite long but felt that this question deserved more than a yes or no response.

Certainly over the age of 18, which is the legal age for adults in most states, the parent should not be held responsible for their "child's" actions. However, I'm not sure I believe the parents are always to blame when the child is under 18. As a teacher I have seen way too many children who, despite the best efforts of their parents, have very self-destructive behavior. I'm the oldest of 5 and, with the exception of one brother, we've all turned out to be socially responsible adults. My brother was a handful from the time he was born (in retrospective) and has been in and out of trouble with the law to this day. I saw the same with some of my students. A family full of children, loving and attentive parents, and yet one is in constant trouble with authority figures. I don't believe children are born as little blank slates. I think they come with their own personality and we can only shape or bend it in one direction or another...or maybe they're going to go that way anyway. Please keep in mind I am not referring to parents who abdicate their parental responsibilities. I think I've gone off topic....

I think a parent is always a parent but our roles and responsibilities change with the age of the child. When our children are young, we kiss their skinned knees, teach them our moral and values system (most effectively through our own behavior), and gradually lessen the apron strings so that they learn self-control in the absence of an authority figure. When our children are adults, we still kiss their skinned knees (figuratively) and reinforce our moral and values system through our own behavior but now we get to learn how to give advice when it's asked for and to keep quiet and live with their decisions even when they don't take our advice.

I have a 21 (in another 2 months) year old, 19 year old and 12 year old. Through all of their growing up years we tried to give them a reasonable amount of independence so that they would learn self-control rather than dropping them into it unprepared at the age of 18. I still thank God every day that my son chose to get his ear pierced instead of his tongue and that the other one changed his mind about the purple mohawk and grew his hair halfway down his back instead.

I think it is much harder being the parent of an adult because I have to watch the mistakes they're making with their lives and I can do nothing about it except to pray that they learn the lessons of their mistakes. My two oldest have come to us for advice and sometimes they take it and sometimes they don't. A couple times they came back to us and said, "I wish I had listened to you." No, we don't say I told you so. My response is usually, "but did you learn something from it because if so then it was worth the lesson." Sometimes the decisions they make against our advice have turned out well.

I always try to keep in mind that I am the person I am (and I think I'm a good, socially responsible person) because of the mistakes I've made and the lessons I've learned from them. Who am I to deny my child that same advantage in life?

 

[fromthe heart]

Once a parent always a parent. I'm 23 and on my own but my mom still acts like i'm 10.

I'm sorry jewscout...I can relate to that from my childrens viewpoint...my baby is 26 and a mother of 3 boys...I still mother her. I adore my kids...I let them make their own mistakes while gritting my teeth but I will be there should they fall and need a helping hand up. I sometimes do as you said about your mother...I really don't mean to look down at my children but to me they are MY BABIES...I'd give my life for them...I sometimes over love my kids. When I do I soon realize it but it's hard because it seems as if they grew too fast before I was done mothering them...lol

 

[Scuba Pete]

I have said this before but it bears repeting...

The only perfect parents have no children.

You are ALWAYS their parent, no matter how much they may embarrass you or you embarrass them! Unconditional love does not mean you have to always like what they do.

Kids are mostly independent by the time they are 11. Reasoning should have replaced discipline by this time. The biggest issue for adults is actually allowing little Johnny or Susie to reap the results of their choices. We like to shelter them and in the process they do not understand cause and effect.

When you see just how God fared with his children (Adam and Eve), you can begin to understand, that regardless of the parents, children are responsible for their choices.

 

[Lintu]

It's hard. I have some cousins who are royally messed up in many ways (according to a lot of people...just judgment, keep in mind) because of their upbringing. Their misbehaving would probably not happen if it weren't for the way they were raised, and if they turn out badly after age 18, I would still attribute a lot of it to that (although at some point you have to start taking responsibility for yourself). It's a hard question, for sure. Sure, we should all respect one another, no question...but if you grew up with no punishment for disrespect, where is the blame?

 

[cardero]

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself

They come through you but not from you

They belong not to you



You may give them your Love

But not your thoughts

For they have their own thoughts

You may house their bodies

But not their souls

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow

Which you cannot visit

Not even in your dreams

You may strive to be like them

But seek not to make them like you

For life goes not backwards

Nor tarries with yesterday



You are the bows from which

Your children as living arrows

Are sent forth

The Archer sees the mark

Upon the path of the infinite

And he bends you with his might

That his arrows may go swift and far

Let your bending in the Archers hand

Be for gladness;

For even as He Loves the arrow that flies

So he also Loves the bow that is stable



Maybe once a caretaker ALL(ways) a caretaker seems more appropriate.

 

[Melody]

It's hard. I have some cousins who are royally messed up in many ways (according to a lot of people...just judgment, keep in mind) because of their upbringing. Their misbehaving would probably not happen if it weren't for the way they were raised, and if they turn out badly after age 18, I would still attribute a lot of it to that (although at some point you have to start taking responsibility for yourself). It's a hard question, for sure. Sure, we should all respect one another, no question...but if you grew up with no punishment for disrespect, where is the blame?

As you said, at some point you have to take responsibility for your actions. For the past 20 years (longer?) we've been hearing about the adult child who blames everyone else for their lack of self-control instead of taking responsibility and changing the things they do not like about their character or life.

For those people, I would direct them to the following series of books by Dave Pelzer:
A Child Called "It": One Child's Courage to Survive
The Lost Boy: A Foster Child's Search for the Love of a Family
A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness

These books are the true story of Dave Pelzer who has the dubious distinction of being the most abused child in American history. If you listen to the psychiatrists and psychologists, this man should have turned out to be the greatest serial killer in history. Not only didn't he, but he has become an exceptional human being.

No, adults who make excuses for their behavior and try to lay the blame elsewhere are looking for an easy out.