Questions for UUs With Negative Religious History

[spiritually inclined]

I have a negative religious history (I was a Oneness Pentecostal), though my religious impulses remain, and I don't know what to do with them. So, my question is how those of you with negative religious histories were able to overcome your past and become a fully participating member of a religious community.

James

 

[jamaesi]

What do you mean by a "negative" religious history? Sorry if I'm just dense, but I'd have to know exactly what you mean by that term before I can answer.

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

I was raised Southern Baptist but spent a lot of time in the Middle East while growing up. Consequently I had a lot of Muslim friends and a few Buddhists and Hindus as well. Upon my return to the US, our Baptist church informed me that all my friends were going to Hell and I would too if I didn’t believe exactly the what the preacher told me too. Mostly I ignored them and went about my business. But then my Grandmother decided I should get Baptized as I was 16 and hadn’t done it yet, (most Baptists get Baptized around age 13, when they can make a conscious choice to accept Jesus into their lives). I refused, claiming I wasn’t a Baptist, didn’t want to be a Baptist and while I could sit in the pew and not feel like a total hypocrite, I couldn’t get Baptized without feeling that way. This, of course, caused quite the stir. Well, since I was living with my grandparents at the time, my parents were back in the Middle East working, and I was going to church just to make my grandmother happy things got a little tense. In addition, the church was at a point when it was going to split into two congregations so there was a lot of political fighting and backstabbing over which group stayed in the building and which one moved to a new location. See all that made me even more stubborn about not being Baptized. So, my grandmother got really upset and I no longer had to go to church at all which was fine with me.

So for many years I drifted spiritually, studying the various religions of the world, learning a little about each one and forming my own opinions on the subject. Then one day, I stumbled upon the Unitarian Universalist website and found out I wasn’t alone, that many others had similar beliefs. It was still a fairly long time before I finally moved to a location that had a UU church close enough for me to attend but once I did I was hooked.

I don’t look at it as overcoming my negative religious experiences but rather learning and growing from them. Maybe now your drifting, looking for that spiritual community that you belong too. I can’t tell you which community is for you but I can tell it that it is out there, just waiting to be found. So don’t give up on it.

 

[spiritually inclined]

Where to start....In my old religion, it was their way or the highway. All others were going to hell, even other Christians, if they refused to accept this church's version of the truth. Rules, rules, rules....People were so judgmental, including myself, I am ashamed to say. We were told how long our sleeves had to be. Women couldn't wear pants, makeup, jewelry, or cut their hair. Some things are changing now, but when my great grandfather was in charge, even things like going to Six Flags, skating rinks, (especially dances) were frowned upon.

Many of the people are very judgmental and unkind to others. My friend, Becky, joined the Pentecostal church but wasn't raised this way. Though she follows all of the rules, she has been treated horribly, and is currently being treated for depression.

Then there is the worship: running, screaming, rolling, crying, etc. Some people who become very involved with the worship get addicted to the high, which can lead to a crash later, similar to bipolar disorder. I have a mental illness, so I experienced mood swings and many hallucinations, but it was considered a gift from God. Many Pentecostal ministers forbid medical treatment (which has led to some deaths), and even more forbid psychiatric treatment. To most Pentecostals, mental illness is either God or the devil.

One evangelist stayed 3-4 weeks too long and singled me out, staring at me and shouting things like, "I see that stoney face staring at me!" Finally he said that there would some in the congregation whose caskets he would stand over because the death angel would kill us and torture us in hell. Sadly, the church LIKED this man and he was invited back. My aunt and uncle were glad when he came to visit again.

This is just a bit of the story, and I am not alone in my experiences. I am a part of an online ex-Pentecostal community, and many there have had worse experiences than me and suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, etc. Some of them have family or church members that actually spy on them and report back to their pastors or parents. It's very sad.

I occasionally attend a Methodist church, and the first pastor there, who recently passed away, was one of the first to introduce me to a more enlightened, progressive Christianity. I happen to be gay, and he actually told me that the gay people once knew were really cool. To me, it was amazing for a minister to actually say that.

So I know there is more out there, but if you have a similar background to mine, you understand why I am very reluctant and nervous about becoming a true member of any spiritual community.

James

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Wow. Can't say my experience was similar, what a nightmare. I have a friend in the UU church who is also ex-pentecostal and while his personal experience wasn't as bad as you described, many of what he saw sounds the same. Congrats on finding the Methodists, they are such cool people! If I hadn't found UU I would have considered the Methodists just because they are so laid back. They weren't really right for me though because I was interested in studing all religions and not just Christianity so UU fit my needs perfectly. The Methodists are also the most tolerant of Gays in the traditional Christian world. UU is sometimes called the Gay Church by people because UU ministers are seen presiding of Gay weddings a lot. I went to the 2006 Pride parade here in Houston and marched with a collection of UUs from all the Houston area UU churches and I was surprised at how many other churches had floats or marched in the parade. There was even a liberal Baptist church marching which really floored me. I never in my wildest dreams expected to see the words liberal and Baptist strung together. Maybe there is hope for the world after all.

I certianly understand your reluctance and recommend you be very careful in your search for a spiritual community but don't give up looking. Then again, the right one is likely to find you when you aren't looking at all.

 

[spiritually inclined]

I find myself both attracted to Unitarian Universalism and Anglicanism. I'm sure I can gain from both. If I do become a member of either one, I could always visit the other and benefit from both.

James

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Well I hope you will share your experiences in both of them here on the forum, I'm sure everyone wants to hear what you think of them. :yes:

 

[lilithu]

I have a negative religious history (I was a Oneness Pentecostal), though my religious impulses remain, and I don't know what to do with them. So, my question is how those of you with negative religious histories were able to overcome your past and become a fully participating member of a religious community.

James

Namaste James.

The only negative history I really have comes from the 5 years I spent in Lutheran school where not only were we taught the standard stuff about heaven and hell but also that you don't really have a choice whether you believe or not because those who are saved had already had their names written in the book of life since the beginning of time. I remember always being told that I don't have enough faith (ie - "you're going to hell") when I asked questions and also being told that anyone who wasn't baptised is going to hell, which put me in mortal fear as a kid not only for myself but also for my family.

By the time I was in high school, I was so angry at this supposed God that I joined the local Satanist group. I remember saying to God defiantly, "I don't care if you send me to hell, I'm still not going to worship you because you're mean and unfair!" Part of me tensed up waiting for the lightening bolt to come, but it never did.

What got me over my negativity?

1. Seeing religious people who were kind, loving, courageous. Who did good because of their faith. Seeing the examples of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi and Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Mother Theresa, but also ordinary religious people who just tried to be the best they could be every day. Seeing the enormous good work that is done by loving people of faith.

2. Because I myself have had experiences of a beneficent God - warm, loving, gentle, guiding. Not coercive, judgmental, or anything like the God that I was taught in school. Frankly, a God who wouldn't care whether you believed or not, so long as your heart is open to mystery and open to love and compassion for your neighbors.

3. Because I enjoy being part of a community. I am a better person with them than by myself.

There are still people in our congregations that are going thru this baggage. Just because they've joined UU doesn't mean they've gotten over it. And frankly, sometimes I get impatient with them. "Yeah, I get that you've had negative experiences associated with the word God, but it means something positive to me, so let me say God when I'm speaking for myself, gawddammit!" But other times I understand that people come to us hurting, and they need time to heal, and that part of the role that we play as a religious community is to provide a safe space for them to do that.

I think that is one of the biggest things we do for people, provide a safe place where people can heal. A few people who came to my church hating the Christian tradition have now gone back to it (they went to the Episcopalians, btw). Once they were with us, they realized that there is another, more loving way to look at God, and then they missed the smells and bells, of which we have very little. Even tho we as UUs lost them to another denomination, I consider those success stories.

And there are still others who don't believe in God and never will. But they can now listen to someone else talking about it without associating all the negative stuff. They can view the word as just a symbol for, as my minister puts it, "what matters most." Our highest values.

I myself have found Unitarian Universalism to be a healing place.

Amen. Ashay. Blessed be. And namaste. :angel2:

 

[lilithu]

So I know there is more out there, but if you have a similar background to mine, you understand why I am very reluctant and nervous about becoming a true member of any spiritual community.

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

I know that you know a lot of others who have had similar experiences. The pain is real. But most spiritual communities are not like that, even the ones that believe in final judgment, and heaven and hell. Most mainline protestant churches - the Lutherans, the Presbyterians, the Methodists - would be appalled by that kind of emotionalism and carrying on, yelling, etc.

Not that emotionalism is necessarily bad. When our choir gets going, we rock the house. But it's always done in the spirit of love and joy - we're just happy to be with each other.

Anyway, thanks for sharing where you're coming from. And it's a testament to your good character that you're not just condemning all religious people wholesale after such a horrible experience. Please know that, if you want it, and it sounds like you do want it, there is a religious community out there for you - one in which you will feel accepted and affirmed. It may be with the UUs or it may be with some other group. But I know that you will find what you're looking for.

 

[spiritually inclined]

Thank you for the replies. They truly help.

I finally became aware of another problem last night. I wasn't even consciously aware of it until it popped into my mind. In Pentecostalism, religion was the center of everything. Depending on what your religious beliefs or convictions are, this isn't necessarily bad. But in Pentecostalism, it cast everything in a negative light, at least for me: joking, laughter, sex, fun, anything not specifically religious (though definately things religion should embrace). When I imagine myself in a religious community again, I see myself losing who I am again...losing my humor, the part of me that just wants to have fun and set the philosophy aside for a while. Of course, I intellectually know that this doesn't have to be the case. Religion can affirm these things. But emotionally, I can't accept it.

Maybe a little more time....

James

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Hi James,

I would like to make a suggestion but I don't want to sound pushy or like I'm trying to sell UUism. Still, I think this might help with your problem. Find a UU church near you and go check it out. You will probably have to sit through a sermon or two to get the lay of the land but what you want to do is find out what their covenant groups are. You see, UUs love to get together, drink coffee, (or beer if it is after 12:00pm), and talk about things. So they put together these discussion groups that are called convenant groups. They are usually arranged around a topic and will be different from church to church. Ours has a cooking covenant group, a big question group, a mens group and we are getting ready to start a visual arts group and a creative writing group. See what the groups are in the church near you and if any of the topics interest you, check them out. At that point you can skip the services for a while and just hang out in the group. This will let you meet some people and test the waters so to speak without it being an overdose on the religion side. We have lots of people who come to events and groups but don't show up on Sundays at all. Now if you pick a covenant group that has a religious topic your on your own , but usually at least half of the groups are not based on a religious topic. Also, if you are near a couple of churchs, pick a group from each one. Then stay with the one that has people you get along with. We have eight UU churchs here in Houston and there is a lot of cross sharing of members.

Anyway, that's my suggestion, I hope it helps. Any other UUs out there want to share info about the different covenant groups in your church to give James an idea of what I'm talking about?

 

[lilithu]

Thank you for the replies. They truly help.

I finally became aware of another problem last night. I wasn't even consciously aware of it until it popped into my mind. In Pentecostalism, religion was the center of everything. Depending on what your religious beliefs or convictions are, this isn't necessarily bad. But in Pentecostalism, it cast everything in a negative light, at least for me: joking, laughter, sex, fun, anything not specifically religious (though definately things religion should embrace). When I imagine myself in a religious community again, I see myself losing who I am again...losing my humor, the part of me that just wants to have fun and set the philosophy aside for a while. Of course, I intellectually know that this doesn't have to be the case. Religion can affirm these things. But emotionally, I can't accept it.

Maybe a little more time....

James

No James, you don't have to lose your sense of humour. In fact, you'll need it to survive dealing with a UU congregation!

Here:
http://www.wizdum.net/?q=node/88


And just to show that Christians can have a sense of humour too, here's a link to one of my favorite web sites:
http://ship-of-fools.com/

 

[applewuud]

I had a deeply disturbing experience with a religion I joined when I was in my late teens, although luckily I had been imprinted with concepts of a more accepting God when I was younger and that pulled me through. Coming out of an all-encompassing religious environment is one of the most difficult things one can do, IMHO. Be gentle with yourself. I stayed away from any church for years, and even after regularly attending a UU church for many years couldn't bring myself to be an "official" member.

The Episcopal Church was a way-station for me on the way to Unitarian-Universalism, as it turned out...liberal Christianity was a real comfort and its ideas were an important antidote to the more restricting ones I'd adopted. But ultimately, it is a creedal religion and I wasn't comfortable declaring myself to be part of that fold, although I love them...it seemed God (which is the word some of us use to personify the mystery and grace that the universe is immersed in, ultimately beyond our grasp but always calling us to reach) was calling me from somewhere else.

From my journey, I can report that looking for religious healing wasn't enough. I needed to explore the ideas of humanistic psychology (Transactional Analysis, Gestalt, Jungian, Rogerian, Cognitive) to be able to untwist theological constructs that were actually rooted in, or projections of, more fundamental emotional conflicts. A lot of the more damaging "religious" ideas are toxic not on their own, but in the way that they are used by people working through psychological issues. That fundamentalist preacher you were bummed out by probably had a heavy burden to carry himself and was processing it the best way his culture and personality would allow.

Once I got more awareness of my own personality, I could enjoy theological ideas from a whole different perspective.

Good luck to you, James, and peace be with you.