"Real Housewives" star has new book that advocates marital rape

[Me Myself]

Well that's reasonable.But that is not what they are advocating in marriage.That's called compromise and it doesn't seem that's expected of Joe.Only Melissa .She wrote how if she is really not in the mood she does it anyway.If she said its a 'hard no" (sounds like its the exception) she describes how to be 'nice" about it.But that sounds like based on her account that she will have to pay for that the next day by him being less tolerant if she talks back they get in a "huge fight".OR he rips her clothes and does it anyway."Fights her " until 'he wins."

But on the 'mood" thing if its been 2 whole days ..Why should she be held accountable for HIS behavior ?Why is it up to her to regulate his moods ?He sounds like a big fat man child.Stomping around because he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it.

Again, I am not defending a relationship I dont know. He does sound like a bravado attitude silly man child, but I cant pretend I know them.

I dont see anything wrong about having sex when you are not in the mood, my first time was like that. I wasnt in the mood and she was, and I noticed I would have really hurt her ego if I kept saying no, so we did it.

By what she said, you could call it "blackmail rape" but instead of anger feeling hurt. Its barely different. She has the right to feel however she wants, I can do however I please if I care for her emotions.

In any case, yeah, in general I believe a couple should both be willing to change to please each other and for the betterment of both learn to deal with their stuff, talk a lot, etc.

Again, what I am emphasising is that people have the right to feel however the feel, even if the feeling is not PC, because honestly, intense feelings can get very unPC. Its what you do with them where you start having limits into where the other person's rights start.

 

[Kerr]

I dont really know what Joe is talking about. By the book, the wife could say no in a way he understood as no and she did not have sex with him everyday, so he obviously didnt just took her against her will.

Its a stupid quote and a terrible advice, but we dont know how literally he spoke it.

In that case he really needs to learn how to convey a message in writing because what he wrote does not in any way show consideration for his wife. It should also be noted that he got moody when she didnt have sex with him every day, which does indicate that something is... off... even if we are to assume he didnt mean what he wrote in the rapey fashion it sounded like.

 

[DallasApple]

Well you replied to replies I made to Horrorble when she said if someone gets stressed by having less sex than what he is used to, then he is a rapist.

O.K well me clarify..I certainly don't think merely feeling stressed having less sex than you want makes you a rapist.

I do however think having a fit or acting hostile towards the person and one example was him throwing a high chair across the room because you are 'stressed" is intimidation.If its because of not having sex for 2 days?The reasonable advice IMHO for a couple like that is for HIM to go to anger management..Not for HER to be made responsible and advise her to just "give him what he wants" so she can avoid his rage.That is coersive.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

Well you replied to replies I made to Horrorble when she said if someone gets stressed by having less sex than what he is used to, then he is a rapist.

No that's not what I said, I never even used the word stressed thank you! She never even used the word stressed she said upset, he gets upset with her when she doesn't want to have sex, if they don't have sex at least once a day he is upset with her, that he always wins when he wants sex.

SO ANNOYING!!!

 

[Kerr]

Then the partner can simply break up.

Is there any specific references as to what did he do angry? For all we know. He was just stressed cause he wasnt used to no sex. That's it. Believing someone else's emotion is bullying is just absurd.

Thats a rather poor excuse .

 

[Me Myself]

O.K well me clarify..I certainly don't think merely feeling stressed having less sex than you want makes you a rapist.

I do however think having a fit or acting hostile towards the person and one example was him throwing a high chair across the room because you are 'stressed" is intimidation.If its because of not having sex for 2 days?The reasonable advice IMHO for a couple like that is for HIM to go to anger management..Not for HER to be made responsible and advise her to just "give him what he wants" so she can avoid his rage.That is coersive.

Sure, it could be intimidation but I dont know how angry he was or what he did.

Lets remember we have her version of the issue and a very ambiguous one at that.

If someone gets really angry for one day off sex, it does sound like he has issues that need be dealt with so they can change and he can be a big boy and have a greater treshold of abstinence.

Then again, if in a couple one of them wants sex everyday and the other prefers every other day but isnt bothered by giving it everyday, well, I dont find it unreasonable to give in. Not that s/he must, but I think you weight those things by how important they are to each and how possible it is to give.

 

[Me Myself]

Thats a rather poor excuse .

No one needs give excuses to be angry.

The emotion in itself is completely useless to begin with. If excuses were necessary none would be good enough.

The bare minimum right we can have is the right to feel however we feel.

 

[DallasApple]

In that case he really needs to learn how to convey a message in writing because what he wrote does not in any way show consideration for his wife. It should also be noted that he got moody when she didnt have sex with him every day, which does indicate that something is... off... even if we are to assume he didnt mean what he wrote in the rapey fashion it sounded like.

I agree.If someone is so tightly wound over two days of no sex they need to learn some coping skills.What did he do when she was recovering from child birth?Go on a killing spree?

 

[Me Myself]

No that's not what I said, I never even used the word stressed thank you! She never even used the word stressed she said upset, he gets upset with her when she doesn't want to have sex, if they don't have sex at least once a day he is upset with her, that he always wins when he wants sex.

SO ANNOYING!!!

Some synonims for upset


1.
unhappy, disappointed, or worried.
synonyms: distressed, troubled, perturbed, dismayed, disturbed, unsettled, disconcerted, worried, bothered, anxious, agitated, flustered, ruffled, unnerved, shaken, unstrung; More
antonyms: unperturbed, calm


I am sorry, feeling distressed by lack of sex in the frequency you are used to does not make you a rapist. I know it sounds crazy, but people have the right to feel however they feel.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

Some synonims for upset


1.
unhappy, disappointed, or worried.
synonyms: distressed, troubled, perturbed, dismayed, disturbed, unsettled, disconcerted, worried, bothered, anxious, agitated, flustered, ruffled, unnerved, shaken, unstrung; More
antonyms: unperturbed, calm


I am sorry, feeling distressed by lack of sex in the frequency you are used to does not make you a rapist. I know it sounds crazy, but people have the right to feel however they feel.

I know what upset means, jesus christ!

 

[DallasApple]

Sure, it could be intimidation but I dont know how angry he was or what he did.

If its anywhere near how i have seen him display his anger on that show?Yelling and cursing at the top of his lungs..throwing over tables ..punching things..???Its pretty intimidating.He also gets in physical fights with his relatives.I've seen him get up in his sisters face and threaten her..this is all in front of a camera too.

When she said it ends up in a 'huge fight' ???I imagine things got broken.

 

[Me Myself]

If its anywhere near how i have seen him display his anger on that show?Yelling and cursing at the top of his lungs..throwing over tables ..punching things..???Its pretty intimidating.He also gets in physical fights with his relatives.I've seen him get up in his sisters face and threaten her..this is all in front of a camera too.

When she said it ends up in a 'huge fight' ???I imagine things got broken.

Again, I wont pretend to know the relationship.

The behaviour you talk about is the most pathetic and sink bottom behaviour for inside a loving relationship though. I dont believe even fights should have name calling (I find it worst than throwing #^% to the floor, though definetely not worst than throwing them at partner, that part is plain psycho and needs restraining order) and shouting wont solve anything there either.

Yeah, yellings and name callings can very easily be intimidating worst if they are delilberately so. Again, I just wont pretend I know their reltionship.

The few things I ve read sound like terrible or even very dangerous couples advice, but I must say I just dont own the book (and I am deeply uninterested to do so )

 

[Me Myself]

I know what upset means, jesus christ!

And you think bothered and stressed are terribly different? Because bothered is one of the synonims and you are arguing over me replacing the word with stressed.

 

[DallasApple]

Then again, if in a couple one of them wants sex everyday and the other prefers every other day but isnt bothered by giving it everyday, well, I dont find it unreasonable to give in. Not that s/he must, but I think you weight those things by how important they are to each and how possible it is to give.

Its not unreasonable. But if its under some sort of 'threat" or "fear" of 'or else" that is not a "good " sexual dynamic in my opinion. I certainly wouldn't hold it up as a great sex life let alone recommend others follow your example.For me that's not good sex.Its not in the spirit of giving when its only to avoid negative consequences for your self.

 

[DallasApple]

And you think bothered and stressed are terribly different? Because bothered is one of the synonims and you are arguing over me replacing the word with stressed.

Her words 'HUGE fight".

That is not merely feeling "bothered or stressed".Huge fight is an action not a feeling.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

And you think bothered and stressed are terribly different? Because bothered is one of the synonims and you are arguing over me replacing the word with stressed.

If you think it purely is just about him being upset you haven't been paying attention. But yes someone making sure their partner knows they are upset every time they refuse sex is questionable and sounds like they have entitlement issues.

 

[Me Myself]

Its not unreasonable. But if its under some sort of 'threat" or "fear" of 'or else" that is not a "good " sexual dynamic in my opinion.

Oh absolutely, I am speaking of it as a thing of giving to your partner for hir sake, not for fear of your life or any other kind of fear though.

Its not unreasonable. But if its under some sort of 'threat" or "fear" of 'or else" that is not a "good " sexual dynamic in my opinion. I certainly wouldn't hold it up as a great sex life let alone recommend others follow your example.For me that's not good sex.Its not in the spirit of giving when its only to avoid negative consequences for your self.

My example ? O.0

Sometimes sex is more for him sometimes sex is more for her, I am not talking on a relationship relationship basis but a sex by sex basis. Today she wants this position tomorrow he wants that one. Today she eants to have sex he doesnt he gives her a handjob and shes happy, tomorrow they both enjoy some other position, etc.

I dont think each sexual encounter needs to be equally pleasurable for both, just consensual and not emotionally damaging.

 

[Me Myself]

If you think it purely is just about him being upset you haven't been paying attention. But yes someone making sure their partner knows they are upset every time they refuse sex is questionable and sounds like they have entitlement issues.

1-When did he told you he was making sure she knew he was upset?

2- still wrong. If it happens on a coupples conversation it can be the first step into knowing how both of them will deal with the issue. Maybe mostly him, maybe it turns out she has no problem having sex everyday if it is so important to him. It depends oncase by case. It doesnt need to be fear it can be simple love and care.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

1-When did he told you he was making sure she knew he was upset?

2- still wrong. If it happens on a coupples conversation it can be the first step into knowing how both of them will deal with the issue. Maybe mostly him, maybe it turns out she has no problem having sex everyday if it is so important to him. It depends oncase by case. It doesnt need to be fear it can be simple love and care.

she knows he is upset every time she refuses sex, so he is making it obvious clearly

 

[Me Myself]

she knows he is upset every time she refuses sex, so he is making it obvious clearly

Maybe you dont notice when your partner is upset if he doesnt tell you

Its okay, some of us are less perceptive. Him being very direct and honest about his feelings by verbal communication will be more important in your relationships.