VoidCat
Use any and all pronouns including neo and it/it's
@Dan From Smithville are you a stew now?
-
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Tell me a joke
- Thread starter VoidCat
- Start date
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Ten tickles.
I've got a ton of good jokes. I'll share several
Do you consider this to be about religion:
"My sister is dating a German man, and we went to a bagel shop. He said "Oh, Emo, I can't get a good bagel like this back home in Germany", and I said "Well, whose fault is that?" – Emo Phillips
Let's try a few more:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Or this
A woman takes her Schnauzer to its vet because it could barely hear. It’s ear hairs were tangled and matted, so the vet cleaned them out, and the dog could hear again. The vet told them that if they wanted to keep this from recurring, they should go to the drugstore and get some Nair, a hair remover, and rub it into its ears monthly.
So, she shuffles off to the pharmacy. The woman asks the pharmacist whether they carry Nair. The pharmacists tells her yes, and grabs a bottle of it for her. The pharmacist tells her, "I must warn you that if you're going to use the Nair under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms"
The pharmacist continues, "Well then, if you're going to be using it on your legs, I recommend that you not wear hose for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "In that case, lady, you should probably stay off your bicycle for a few days.”
So, she shuffles off to the pharmacy. The woman asks the pharmacist whether they carry Nair. The pharmacists tells her yes, and grabs a bottle of it for her. The pharmacist tells her, "I must warn you that if you're going to use the Nair under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms"
The pharmacist continues, "Well then, if you're going to be using it on your legs, I recommend that you not wear hose for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "In that case, lady, you should probably stay off your bicycle for a few days.”
How about a physics joke?:
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “Well, not really but I can tell you exactly where I was.” The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk. He says, “Do you guys know that there’s a dead cat in your trunk?” and Schrödinger answers, “Well, we do now!”
This one takes a little thinking:
Did you hear about the man who was so despondent about not being able to remember the bridge to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" that he jumped out of his third story Parisian apartment window. Unfortunately, the fall didn't kill him - it only paralyzed him. As he lay there motionless, listening to approaching police sirens in the distance, it suddenly came to him.
Or this
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies: "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out of the drink, a school of sharks appears and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh..." mused the pirate, "We was boardin' a trader ship, with pistols a-blastin' and swords a-swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?""
”A sea gull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost yer eye to a sea gull dropping?", the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
The pirate replies: "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out of the drink, a school of sharks appears and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh..." mused the pirate, "We was boardin' a trader ship, with pistols a-blastin' and swords a-swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?""
”A sea gull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost yer eye to a sea gull dropping?", the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To visit the idiot. (Slight pause)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
It would even be modern if the CDs were swapped for vinyl.That was soooo bad that it was good
Damn...I want on of those!!!
Jose Fly
Fisker of men
Probably showing my age here....
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper. The bartender says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel stuck in your zipper?" The pirate answers, "Yar, I know....it's drivin' me nuts."
A podiatrist is sitting in his office when a moth comes in. The doctor asks what he can do for him, and the moth starts telling him all about how stressed he is, how hard it is to be a moth, how much anxiety he has over being chased by bats, and how in general he's just not happy. The moth then says he's worried all that is harming his health. The podiatrist says, "I understand and sympathize, but you do know I'm a podiatrist, right?" The moth says yes, he does know the doctor is a podiatrist, which prompts the doctor to ask "So why did you come to me?" The moth answers, "Because your light is on."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper. The bartender says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel stuck in your zipper?" The pirate answers, "Yar, I know....it's drivin' me nuts."
A podiatrist is sitting in his office when a moth comes in. The doctor asks what he can do for him, and the moth starts telling him all about how stressed he is, how hard it is to be a moth, how much anxiety he has over being chased by bats, and how in general he's just not happy. The moth then says he's worried all that is harming his health. The podiatrist says, "I understand and sympathize, but you do know I'm a podiatrist, right?" The moth says yes, he does know the doctor is a podiatrist, which prompts the doctor to ask "So why did you come to me?" The moth answers, "Because your light is on."
Jedster
Flying through space
One of the worst jokes ever.
A man goes to we the doctor because every time he puts on his hat , he hears music.
The doctor says "give me your hat for a moment".
So, he gives the doctor his hat, which the doctor quickly returns.
Doc says, " Now try it".
He puts the hat back on and lo and behold..no music.
He says to the doc, "fantastic, no music. What did you do?"
Doc says " I just removed the band."
A man goes to we the doctor because every time he puts on his hat , he hears music.
The doctor says "give me your hat for a moment".
So, he gives the doctor his hat, which the doctor quickly returns.
Doc says, " Now try it".
He puts the hat back on and lo and behold..no music.
He says to the doc, "fantastic, no music. What did you do?"
Doc says " I just removed the band."
Ben Dhyan
Veteran Member
Jim Maxwell
Yesterday at 11:54 AM ·
Dave was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"
"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss"
"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening?"
"Great to see you!"
"Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then"
Dave says.
"President Biden!"
His boss quickly retorts.
"Yup"
Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"
"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"
"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the bus tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,
"The Pope!"
"Sure thing!"
Says Dave,
"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says,
"This will never work"
"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"
"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says,
"It was the final straw"
"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Yesterday at 11:54 AM ·
Dave was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"
"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss"
"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening?"
"Great to see you!"
"Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then"
Dave says.
"President Biden!"
His boss quickly retorts.
"Yup"
Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"
"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"
"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the bus tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,
"The Pope!"
"Sure thing!"
Says Dave,
"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says,
"This will never work"
"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"
"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says,
"It was the final straw"
"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Viker
Your beloved eccentric Auntie Cristal
I just woke up.
What did the beaver say when he fell out of his home?
Help! I'm stuck in some dam mud!
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go but, what can they do...
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire. "Damn man! How long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. The night before yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "Do whatever you want!"
"So here I am.”
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go but, what can they do...
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire. "Damn man! How long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. The night before yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "Do whatever you want!"
"So here I am.”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
============
A woman takes her Schnauzer to its vet because it could barely hear. It’s ear hairs were tangled and matted, so the vet cleaned them out, and the dog could hear again. The vet told them that if they wanted to keep this from recurring, they should go to the drugstore and get some Nair, a hair remover, and rub it into its ears monthly.
So, they shuffle off to the pharmacy. The woman asks the pharmacist whether they carry Nair. The pharmacists tells her yes, and grabs a bottle of it for her. The pharmacist tells her, "I must warn you that if you're going to use the Nair under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms"
The pharmacist continues, "Well then, if you're going to be using it on your legs, I recommend that you not wear hose for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "In that case, lady, you should probably stay off your bicycle for a few days.”
===========
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is terminally ill.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with his cat and puts it down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is terminally ill, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dying. So, the vet brings in his black labrador, who sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dying too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dying?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
===============
Did you hear about the man who was so despondent about not being able to remember the bridge to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" that he jumped out of his third story Parisian apartment window. Unfortunately, the fall didn't kill him - it only paralyzed him. As he lay there motionless, listening to approaching police sirens in the distance, it suddenly came to him.
===============
My sister is dating a German man, and we went to a bagel shop, and he said "Oh, Emo, I can't get a good bagel like this back home in Germany", and I said "Well, whose fault is that?" – Emo Phillips
================
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks: "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds: "Well, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks: "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks: "Is God gay or straight?"
The mother answers: "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
"Well then," the boy asks, "is god an adult or a child?"
The mother replies, "God is both adult and child."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
===============
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies: "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out of the drink, a school of sharks appears and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh..." mused the pirate, "We was boardin' a trader ship, with pistols a-blastin' and swords a-swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?""
”A sea gull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost yer eye to a sea gull dropping?", the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
============
A woman takes her Schnauzer to its vet because it could barely hear. It’s ear hairs were tangled and matted, so the vet cleaned them out, and the dog could hear again. The vet told them that if they wanted to keep this from recurring, they should go to the drugstore and get some Nair, a hair remover, and rub it into its ears monthly.
So, they shuffle off to the pharmacy. The woman asks the pharmacist whether they carry Nair. The pharmacists tells her yes, and grabs a bottle of it for her. The pharmacist tells her, "I must warn you that if you're going to use the Nair under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms"
The pharmacist continues, "Well then, if you're going to be using it on your legs, I recommend that you not wear hose for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "In that case, lady, you should probably stay off your bicycle for a few days.”
===========
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is terminally ill.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with his cat and puts it down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is terminally ill, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dying. So, the vet brings in his black labrador, who sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dying too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dying?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
===============
Did you hear about the man who was so despondent about not being able to remember the bridge to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" that he jumped out of his third story Parisian apartment window. Unfortunately, the fall didn't kill him - it only paralyzed him. As he lay there motionless, listening to approaching police sirens in the distance, it suddenly came to him.
===============
My sister is dating a German man, and we went to a bagel shop, and he said "Oh, Emo, I can't get a good bagel like this back home in Germany", and I said "Well, whose fault is that?" – Emo Phillips
================
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks: "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds: "Well, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks: "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks: "Is God gay or straight?"
The mother answers: "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
"Well then," the boy asks, "is god an adult or a child?"
The mother replies, "God is both adult and child."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
===============
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies: "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out of the drink, a school of sharks appears and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh..." mused the pirate, "We was boardin' a trader ship, with pistols a-blastin' and swords a-swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?""
”A sea gull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost yer eye to a sea gull dropping?", the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
Jedster
Flying through space
Some 60 years ago my dad bought me a home chemistry set.
So, I looked up the formula for gun powder(in the Encyclopædia Britannica) and was surprised that all the ingredients(with proportions) were in my chemistry set.
So, I made the mixture and put a match to it, thinking nothing would happen.
It flared up and blew a hole in the material covering the desk.
No one ever found out.
Could have been worse, youngsters without eyebrows are often the butt of many jokes
Oh and people know now.
You remind me...
My dad being a farmer had access to amonium nitrate week killer, 56lb bags of the stuff. Mom always had a few bags of sugar. So a friend and i pinched a cup full of weed killer and a cup full of sugar. Mixed it and poured it into an old paint tin. Drill a small hole in the lid and poke the fuse of a banger through before hammering the lid on. Light fuse and run. It blew a 3 ft crater in his field. We didn't do that again.
Last edited:
Jedster
Flying through space
True.
I was lucky. A friend tried something similar, only the explosion he caused left both his arms permanently scarred.